Severe Parental Alienation

Severe parental alienation, usually due to divorce, can destroy a family, and leave a child mentally disturbed due to the adult's selfish and mentally sick behavior.

The Parental Alienation Syndrome, so named by Dr. Richard Gardner, is a distinctive family response to divorce in which the child becomes aligned with one parent and preoccupied with unjustified and/or exaggerated denigration of the other target parent. In severe cases, the child's once love-bonded relationship with relected/target parent is destroyed.

www.deltabravo.net...

Video by Jayne Major, Phd. (sorry I cannot embed this video)
www.videojug.com...

I am worried about a child who is the middle of a nightmare such as this.
Looking for people's experiences pertaining to this subject.

i believe is not so much the experience of parents breaking up but how poorly parents portray the situation to children who are experiencing these situations. Having been through this i can say from experience that what makes or breaks how the child develops afterwards is all about how well the parent is able to cope with the situation and adjust for the child to not be traumatized. My mother did a tremendous job at making sure that i was barely even aware of the situation and when it came to it she simply told the truth, without exaggeration or drama. I was raised by a single mother and i turned out to be pretty well by society standards although they might change their opinion if they saw me here.

I am 27. My parents never divorced, but my mother constantly spoke horrible things about my father while I was growing up. Constantly accusing him of cheating, etc.
For 15 years, I thought my dad was this selfish, narcissistic, cheating, lying, awful, horrible human being.

It wasn't until last year when I unfortunately had to move in with them that I saw how they really are. My MOM is the insane one. My dad pretty much works 2 jobs so my mom can have her fancy house and new cars. His 2nd job is his own business which requires him to run short errands. At least once a week, my mom was certain she "busted" him while he was running errands. If he happened to be within a 5 mile radius of some single woman's house (I have NO idea how she knows where everyone lives) she would freak out. Call me saying she busted him and so on. My dad would come home, in coveralls, clearly working. He would come home in the truck he uses for work and be dirty! He smelled like he was working! Greasy and covered in work related grime!
He started confiding in me a little and would say how she has been like this since they were in high school and he feels bad for her. He wanted her to have a good life because of the childhood she had.

It started to all make sense to me. I for a long time couldn't understand why my mom never left my dad if she "caught" him cheating. That's because she never actually caught him. This is only a small sampling of how nuts it can get around here. I feel bad for my mom too, but she refuses to get help. She is really delusional and paranoid. About EVERYTHING. She has accused me of stealing money out of her purse. After she figured out I didn't do it, she blamed the neighbor kids. And now she won't let them in to play with my son. And so on and so on.

I don't even know how to have a relationship with either one of them. My entire life, I was super close to my mom because of how my dad "treated" her. Now, I resent her for lying. But I'm also so distant from my dad that it's pretty much too late.

Thank you for your reponses. I don't think people realize how real it is, and the damage it can cause in the long run.

The child is both a weapon to be used against the other parent and a tool to make them feel emotionally complete. They are so consumed with themselves, their hatred, and the need to control, that they are only interested in their own needs. They refuse to see the pain and destruction they are causing in the life of their child. Even after the alienation is complete, a severe alienator will often continue to use the child and the courts to further their revenge on the targeted parent with excessive litigation, unnecessary bills and continued accusations of both physical and sexual abuse. Often they are not satisfied until they see the complete destruction of the other parent both emotionally and financially. They need the rejected parent branded as an "abuser" in order to feel good about themselves and their actions.

These people are damaged and in desperate need of professional psychological help and extensive therapy.

They often have clinically diagnosable issues such as BPD (borderline personality disorder) . Most will never get the help they need unless it is court ordered, which is rare indeed.

In many cases, there is a history of severe psychological problems and agitations before the alienation tactics are ever employed. Many times these individuals suffer from some type of mental illness. The alienator perceives and portrays themselves as the victim. They are obsessed, consumed and driven, by the goal of destroying the "target" (rejected) parent in the eyes of the child (or children).

www.keepingfamiliesconnected.org...

I can relate to this to some extent, although my situation seems to be different from that described in the link.

I had a very black-and-white relationship with my parents growing up. My dad was Satan incarnate in my mind, while I thought of my mother as a stainless angel. Life is never so simple, of course, but that's how it felt, and how it played out. My sister and I were beaten rather harshly and frequently by the terrifying alcoholic father and and comforted by the wise, soft-spoken, saintly mother. I ran away from home at age 16 and never spoke to or saw my father again. He's dead now, so even if I wanted reconciliation its too late. The whole thing still makes me shake with rage even though I'm in my early 40s and should have been able to put this behind me. I try to reconcile myself to the realities and get over it. Some days are better than others.

I notice that my rage at my father always emerges when I'm angry at something else totally unrelated. It's like a string tuned to a harmonic octave that vibrates with any anger within me, no matter how unrelated. A dark jack-in-the-box, always ready to pop out, even almost thirty years later.Sorry, there are no easy answers. It just sucks, that's all there is to it, at least in my case.

I don't think my mother "used us against our father," however, and there was no divorce, and no false allegations. I just think my dad was a beast. Maybe this is a little different than what you are talking about. I am not sure.

reply to post by silent thunder


I'm sorry to hear you had such a rough time growing up. I hope some day you find peace with it all.
Thank you for your reponse.

While yours is a story of alienation with cause, what I am looking for is reference to purposeful, brainwashing type of alienation without a real cause.

reply to post by tinker9917


Yes, thanks. I saw after writing that the situation is a bit different.

Although, to play the devil's advocate for a moment, I could easily see somebody like my father latching onto this theory and running with it. "I am not guilty, their mother brainwashed them and turned them against me." No, dad. You are guilty as sin and that's all there is to it. Deal.

People are such animals. The innocent are falsely accused, meanwhile the guilty can hide behind "false accusations of false accusations." Real crime seems to go mostly unpunished, however you look at it. Makes my head spin. Stop the world, I want to get off.

OP,

You know a child who is currently dealing with this?

Report it to Child Social Services. Now.

Growing up in such a household can cause lasting emotional harm. If CSS won't deal with it, then try to get her in counseling. If that isn't an option, encourage her to keep a journal about her thoughts and feelings. This is very therapeutic for many people.

Above all else, continue to be the stable and loving support that she needs.

Sending hugs your way...

smylee

Originally posted by tinker9917
Severe parental alienation, usually due to divorce, can destroy a family, and leave a child mentally disturbed due to the adult's selfish and mentally sick behavior.

The Parental Alienation Syndrome, so named by Dr. Richard Gardner, is a distinctive family response to divorce in which the child becomes aligned with one parent and preoccupied with unjustified and/or exaggerated denigration of the other target parent. In severe cases, the child's once love-bonded relationship with relected/target parent is destroyed.

www.deltabravo.net...

Video by Jayne Major, Phd. (sorry I cannot embed this video)
www.videojug.com...

I am worried about a child who is the middle of a nightmare such as this.
Looking for people's experiences pertaining to this subject.

edit on 27-4-2012 by tinker9917 because: (no reason given)

Some divorces can be particularly tough on kids. I know when my dad left my mom, I was very, very angry with her for not wanting to be with us. So angry I ripped pictures of her (which I shouldn't have done, I just reacted out of anger). When she called I'd go for a walk so I wouldn't have to talk to her. But my dad, he did his best to help me through it. Every time I said I hate her, he would always tell me, that's your mother and no matter how mad you are ow, you will always love her. I'm going through divorce now, and I try to emulate him. My daughter would be mad her father didn't call, so I'd tell her he was probably very busy but he loves you very much. My husband on the other hand, when she was with him, told her I dropped her off because I didn't want her anymore. I told him that was unfair and I always told her he loved her, he should give me the same consideration and do the same, so she wouldn't be hurt by the separation.

reply to post by PassedKarma


Thank you for sharing that. That really hit home. Yours is one of the best cases in point there is to why some people shouldn't be together. The situation I was in that I had to leave..........I feel for your father. Let's say that. Accusations, lack of respect, control issues and misunderstandings every time you turned around were par for the course living with that woman. The long and short of it all is that some people aren't meant to be together. It's just that simple.

We have a daughter and, along with the reasons stated above as to why I had to leave, I didn't want my daughter growing up to get to the point where i would confide in her the way your father did to you. Again, thank you for sharing what you did. There are worse things a child can go through other than their parents divorcing and that's being raised by 2 people who have no business sharing their lives together. The latter of those options will scar a child more than the former. The lesser of 2 evils if you will

OP. There are no easy answers to this. You're right though in saying that alot of parents don't put a lot of thought into how leaving each other is going to affect their child. But some parents do. Some people don't have the guts to do what needs to be done and that effects the child in a more negative way because they grow up with a false impression of what a positive relationship should be. I want better than that for my daughter.

I didn't have a 2 parent household growing up and for the longest time I resented my mother because I felt she was the reason for that. And she partially was. But in time I came to find out that her biased opinion of my father may have been just that, biased, but it was also right. It turns out that I really was better off with no influence rather than a bad one. Had I grown up with him as my influence there is no doubt in my mind I would've grown up worse off than what I did.

So maybe my leaving was a little bit biased on what I learned from my past. Sue me, but I want my daughter to have better than what I had. She may not have the atypical family unit to grow up with, but at least she doesn't have a dysfunctional one and she WILL know her father. I WILL be a part of her life. That's more than what I had. It's just that the part of my life with her won't include her mother in the traditional mother/father sense.

We may not be a good couple together, but at least we can be good parents apart. And I do tell her I love her everyday. And that's the key right there. Communicate with your child, be loving and be honest.

Otherwise...........

Relationships are very complicated things. I doubt that a blanket answer will ever be found and I certainly wouldn't trust the "science" of psychology at this stage. Things frequently look like one thing but are in fact something else altogether.

As for calling Child Services in such a case: OMFG WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!? Never involve those folks. Talk about lasting damage. That's probably the best way to achieve it.

Families need to take care of each other. Until we make that our primary aim in life, we will never have peaceful civilization. Mothers need to stay at home and take care of the children. Fathers need to bring home the resources for the family to survive. We all need to start living within our means and being damned grateful for what we have. We need to look at each other with love and respect - old and young alike. Our problem is and has been for some time now a distinct lack of appreciation and gratitude. We need our homes to be a haven in this world. We need that to be the place where we can always go for love and safety. It takes dedication to task and firm commitment from the entire extended family for optimal results there.

One person never carries blame alone.

reply to post by Taupin Desciple


It's good to know that you can talk to your daughter every day. Is that because your ex allows it or because you and she have figured out how to make it happen? The answer relates to the OP's observations.

Other parts of your post really brought back some memories. My situation was similar, but I took the "it takes a villiage" route. See, I was always hanging out with nieghbor kids, with their families. I think I figured out at a younger age that I was better off without a dad. Their dads always reminded me of my oldest brother, an irritable, distant guy. It was always better if he didn't notice you.

On the other hand, I had a brother who was just a little older than me. I kinda thought he was bulletproof. It's not that he never got hurt, he never acted hurt. For example, his appendix burst from the pressure of the sugeon placing it in the pan just after he removed it. It was that close. Grown men react much more to the pain of organ failure than he did. (I had a kidney stone last year. I did my level best to rip the rail off the hospital bed before they finally gave me a strong enough painkiller.) I could give you a bunch of examples, the kind of stories manly men tell to show you, to illustrate what manly men they are, but it doesn't matter.

What matters is that he did feel pain and I didn't see it. What's the worst thing they can do to you?

Isolation. That is what my brother suffered that I never saw. He was the most familiar thing, the safest person in my life until I was 15 or so, and bright, clever me never saw it.

I don't have any conclusion or deep observation to wrap this up. I'm just sorry about that.

reply to post by tinker9917


From my experience, parents can play a huge role in this. My mom and dad were very amicable after the divorce (I was only 2), but I witnessed my mother and my step-father rip apart step sister's mother weekly, sometimes daily. I always thought it was disgusting. If the other parent is truly harmful (abusive, drug addict, etc) there are legal ways of limiting contact. There's NO REASON to destroy the IDEA of that other parent in your child's mind.

Originally posted by smyleegrl
OP,

You know a child who is currently dealing with this?

Report it to Child Social Services. Now.

Growing up in such a household can cause lasting emotional harm. If CSS won't deal with it, then try to get her in counseling. If that isn't an option, encourage her to keep a journal about her thoughts and feelings. This is very therapeutic for many people.

Above all else, continue to be the stable and loving support that she needs.

Sending hugs your way...

smylee

You want to alienate the child from both parents, by being traumatically ripped away from everyone they know, and placed in a foster home where they are

11 times more likely to be abused in state care than they are in their own homes, and 7 times more likely to die as a result of abuse in the foster care system.

John Walsh
Please learn more about CPS and how they really work before suggesting any child that is not being physically or sexually abused have cps involved in their life.

Time helps.

My father was constantly working overseas for months at a time, so it was likely inevitable that eventually, my parents would split. He found a new wife, divorced my mom, and we went from a nice lifestyle, to one of getting by, while I was a teen.

So yeah, it kind of sucked, and I certainly had some resentment and issues. Especially since before that split, he went through an alcoholic phase, and I had to haul him out of bars some night, and drive him home (again, as a teen).

Anyhow, with age, I got over it, and while not close, I have no real resentment or hatred for him. Sure, I'm not thrilled when seeing him at a family funeral, while he goes on and on describing his new BMW, while I think of my college loans, but eh...you can't choose your family right?

As for scarring a kid...jeez... So much media crap about all of this. Builds character, grow a backbone, etc., etc. is more my attitude on it. So much bleeding heart crap...we all have difficulties in life. Most of us simply overcome them and move on. All therapists are simply nuts anyhow. That's why they got into that line of work, of course, fascination with their own nuttiness, and a need to understand it.

Seriously though, I know they can help some people, but a little quiet time, or blowing off some steam blowing things up in a video game works best for me for some reason (and a lot cheaper than therapy).

Please learn more about CPS and how they really work before suggesting any child that is not being physically or sexually abused have cps involved in their life.

Good God, yes...this should be the absolute LAST resort, to be taken only if you think a kid's life is in danger. Involving CPS in one's life is like tossing sticks of dynamite into a fire, it blows up spectacularly, and doesn't end well for ANYONE involved.

I'm in a situation now where I left because that was what was best for my children. Their father did not work ever and the odd times he did were few and far between which left it up to me to support my children and him I used to call him my third child. He abused me in every way imaginable be it financially, physically, emotionally, sexually, psychologically you name it and I left because I'd rather let my children have a healthy happy whole me then have a battered, broken and abused me. Their father still sees them often but has tried to use the situation in his favour saying he didn't see them for months... when in truth he could see them whenever he wanted to he just didn't to punish me by punishing them. I thank God every day of my life that he is no longer under the same roof as me and the kids. No matter what he does or says I am free of him and my children can grow up in a happy abuse free home.

He does manipulate them and try and create a situation where he is in control. He still does not work but tells his kids that he will do anything and everything for them when in truth they are just there to make him look good while he sponges of his newest victim. My heart goes out to that poor woman.

I will never bad mouth him in front of the children but I will also not lie to my children about anything if they ask me something I will answer them truthfully and honestly but in a way that is not demeaning towards their father. They are happy and well adjusted and have even told me to never ever go back to daddy. Children are not stupid and pick up on a whole lot more. I've taken him to Court for child support recently and when the kids were with him he threw the papers on the table and proceeded to tell them how mommy is taking him to court and how horrible it is for him. They were in a state and very angry at me for doing it but I told them plainly and calmly that I will not stop and that I am doing it for their best interest I also told them that what their father did was wrong and that he should never involve or speak to them about these things but he does as he pleases never considering what his actions do to them.

It's a fine line to walk and I always have to bite my tongue and be the better person. I just wish he would be a man of his word and his faith which he so freely throws around. All a person can do is love and be there for your children no matter what. It is a reality though that people are selfish and in these cases for some people its better to get back at your ex than to actually be there for your children.

reply to post by tinker9917


PAS/ NARCISSISTIC MOTHER/ DIVORCE: you could write a thesis on my experiance. My husbands ex- wife is a narcsissic personality. PAS was extreame. The divorce took 7 years. there were no marterial possesions to fight over. It was 7 years to get visitation. 22 years later only 1out of 4 of the kids talks to his Dad. But has to keep him a dirty secert. When I pointed out that we never made him choose the replay was " But mom does". This ugly mess is continuing and seems to have no end in sight. with 4 boys- 7 grandchildren. I see this women continuing the pattern she has set with the grandchildren. 22 years and counting there is too much to write that this space will cover. Im open to questions

Originally posted by KIKI44
reply to post by tinker9917

 

PAS/ NARCISSISTIC MOTHER/ DIVORCE: you could write a thesis on my experiance.

Me too, as this child is my son. I feel the pain and frustration, I was actually looking for someone who had success in fighting this personally or through the court, as nobody seems to realize this exists!

Thank you so much for your response.