God

reply to post by Rishiana

I may actually tell them the truth and that at this very moment I think we are doomed to toil and live in pain and agony when the wars of ages come because we can not heal and love ourselves to fix our own problems and actually trust God even when he abandons us.

"Wars of Ages"?
Like in Armageddon?
I think all this apocalyptic stuff is a sort of plague in itself, this depressing idea that the world is going up in flames.
I realize this seems to be popular, the end-of-the-world theory, but I think it is a conspiracy to promote it by TPTB so people will not resist evil (which is what I think we should be doing).

Oops, this is supposed to be about God. I think God is like the best thing ever.
I think the universe would be really bad if God was not here, in it.
I think that the universe exists so we can live in it.
God needs to be here too, otherwise we would have an even tougher time of it.
God is really special and can bring us back to life, that is important because the universe is getting better and it would be sad to have only existed in the bad part.

reply to post by swan001


No. I simply use reason where others do not.

Sherlock Holmes is an object of great admiration on my part, if that tells you anything.

reply to post by Rishiana


You might try praying. Sometimes when I feel down I will just close my eyes and ask God "why me?" Usually after a while it makes me feel better and my problems seem more manageable. That probably won't help you, but who knows.

Originally posted by Rishiana
reply to post by Akragon

 

Sure why not Akragon. My bump is this.... my spiritual mentor whom also helped me feel closer to God and understanding better truths about the world around us just recently blocked me on Facebook for me being scared of him telling me to leave because he's been avoiding me as of late and I pushed him for an answer out of concern and worry and the fact I had kind of fallen in love but respected we couldn't be together. He helped me understand God to a better degree and once he left all his teachings and everything I had learned from him started to make no sense at all.

As such I'm not only powerless but drained and I am emotionally confused and scarred as to if he even really cared about me in the first place. No one seems to like me either in real life or Online when I show them the real me so it doesn't help I'm stuck inside my house twenty four seven without the graces of a male or even a female who would be interested in me or to spend time with me.

I don't trust human nature or the stuff we ourselves changed and wrote over millenniums and now I don't even trust humans themselves because they all seem to be fickle. I only trust a few in fact and even those I don't really trust. I feel alone, abused, abandoned, and most of all left to rot and die. So yeah... hope that explanation helps you Akragon.

edit on 30-4-2012 by Rishiana because: More Info Needed

edit on 30-4-2012 by Rishiana because: More info needed and separated the paragraph

ya that works

lets see.... What did he tell you about God?

Spirituality is a tool for many, including people who look to decieve others... It sounds like he told you what you needed/wanted to hear for him to get whatever he wanted from you... likely sex, but of course i don't know...

I don't see how true knowledge of the spirit can suddenly fall apart with the realization that one person doesn't want a relationship with another... So i can only assume that he was teaching you about God in order to gain from you in some way...

IF you respected the fact that you two couldn't be together... why is this affecting you to the point where your beliefs fall apart? IF you know this relationship is not meant to be, you must accept it and move on...

Perhaps you could explain exactly what he told you about God...

From what you wrote im feeling this person was using you for whatever end he had in mind...

You're clearly lonely... i understand that, but only you can change that... and in order to change that you must trust others to an extent... and only you can know what that extent should be...

I'll help you if i can... but you need to help me understand this situation as well...

reply to post by Rishiana


Isaiah 55:8 " For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD."

Perfect for the OP!

reply to post by jmdewey60


I do not know what TBTP is and nor do I care that much even if it is bad because it just sounds like ignorance. I know that may seem arrogant and self centered for me to say but you can't all go fighting something when you don't see the evil in yourselves and your own actions.

reply to post by cloudyday


Surprisingly I did that.... and if I told you God was dying and gave me peace... and we may doomed... but if he lives I get my second chance would that make any sense at all? I'm starting to understand something about humans. We are all so concerned with ourselves we never take the time to truly listen to Gods answers. Not everything is about us and... well.. perhaps thats another way we can help each other cope with the pains in life and move forward....

reply to post by Akragon


Its way more complicated Akragon... I still am in love.... and the man is dying because I never listened. I never asked and then listened to him. I was so self centered on me I never did right and listened to his words and just did them. See... he was my God.... if I told you I saw my fate while taking a shower yesterday and I was to commit suicide and die and have my wish done would you believe me? If I told you I saw many a thing.... and almost all of it came true.... his death, my own betrayal in a manner of speaking... the fact that everything fell apart in my life when he said it would... the troubles with my body on Earth that he warned in subtle hints.... yeah... some of it makes me wonder if he did use me.... but other things make me wonder if he wasn't toughening me up... and some times I think he was just being an ###.

There is more to this that would seem crazy. I've done Wiccan spells that should have killed a normal person.... I've seen spirits and # full on apparitions in real life through these spells and a freaken cat I own that found me made it vanish. I've seen shadows since I was a child... I've healed a persons shoulder blade..... I've freaken brought people to the astral... another world and I've woken up with scratches on me and I've survived attacks by unholy creatures and banished them...... I've gone to church and had visions of my lord.... demons want me for my power and they wish to sacrifice me for it..... he has told me this and it is true. I'm just a vessel and a messenger.... this world is destined to crumble and vanish in Armageddon... I know forbidden spells and secrets that should not be known.... I have been hurt... I've had things try to crush the light inside me all my life and never once could I give in to it. Even now... if things do not fix themselves I wont give up my life just so the fates can deem some unholy calamity to happen here.... I've done my part.... I tried... I admit I may have failed but this was much much more complex and sometimes it was hard to believe.

I'd leave and you know what? He'd have come back.... and said I told you so. Yes some things never happened but.... humans are complex stupid creatures... I myself am a complex stupid creature. I had a Wiccan say I was split in two as a child... by a family friend of mine when I was a baby. I'm both human and something very ancient... I've made a friend who I was talking to one night neck bleed.... a bite wound was on his neck and this happened because he had made me extremely angry. I've done #.... but I never was evil.... I am too kind hearted.... and I'm soft and ignorant and selfish..... but I tried not to and I never understood or took the time to listen..... now ya'll have that opportunity but who wants to look at what brings pain? Who wants to do right and have the possibility for no self gain? Lifes just not fair or easy. Just like humans aren't honest and true to their word....

reply to post by Iason321

Yeah... I know.... it is very true but it does hurt. ~Sigh~ Sometimes we can look at things and try to find deeper meanings in them but this one saying should have no deeper meaning.

reply to post by Rishiana

I still am in love.... and the man is dying because I never listened. I never asked and then listened to him. I was so self centered on me I never did right and listened to his words and just did them. See... he was my God.... if I told you I saw my fate while taking a shower yesterday and I was to commit suicide and die and have my wish done would you believe me?

I don't see why i wouldn't believe you... why would you lie?

He was your God? Thats issue #1... why should this man be worthy of your worship?

Make no man/woman your God... you give them power no one should have....

And suicide is NEVER an answer my friend.... Please know this is truth from my heart...

www.abovetopsecret.com...

If I told you I saw many a thing.... and almost all of it came true.... his death, my own betrayal in a manner of speaking... the fact that everything fell apart in my life when he said it would... the troubles with my body on Earth that he warned in subtle hints.... yeah... some of it makes me wonder if he did use me.... but other things make me wonder if he wasn't toughening me up... and some times I think he was just being an ass. There is more to this that would seem crazy. I've done Wiccan spells that should have killed a normal person.... I've seen spirits and # full on apparitions in real life through these spells and a freaken cat I own that found me made it vanish. I've seen shadows since I was a child...

Im not here to judge you my dear...

IF you say these things happened i will believe you... IF you're lying it matters not to me... you're only lying to yourself...

But know when you cause harm to another living being... it WILL come back to you...

I've healed a persons shoulder blade.....

Then you have a gift from God... Do not waste it...

I've gone to church and had visions of my lord.... demons want me for my power and they wish to sacrifice me for it..... he has told me this and it is true. I'm just a vessel and a messenger....

Church does nothing for anyone save the people who do not know God at all....

Why are you listening to this person? Is it possible he is playing on your fragile state of mind?

this world is destined to crumble and vanish in Armageddon...

Im sorry but you're wrong... the world is waking up slowly from the nightmare... quite the opposite really...

the world has only begun...

I know forbidden spells and secrets that should not be known

Forbidden to who? The church?

I have been hurt... I've had things try to crush the light inside me all my life and never once could give in. Even now... if things do not fix themselves I wont give up my life just so the fates can deem some unholy calamity to happen here.... I've done my part.... I tried... I admit I may have failed but this was much much more complex and sometimes it was hard to believe. I'd leave and you know what? He'd have come back.... and said I told you so.

Nothing can crush the light within except yourself.... Everyone has been hurt... life is a painful journey... but again i believe you're listening to someone with his own agenda... don't believe in him...

believe in YOU!!

I've made a friend who I was talking to one night neck bleed.... a bite wound was on his neck and this happened because he had made me extremely angry. I've done #.... but I never was evil.... I am too kind hearted.... and I'm soft and ignorant and selfish.....

issue #2 / 3... Don't cause others pain... it will always come back to you as i've said previously....

And, Selfishness is the way of the world... not the way of the spirit... you have a choice to be selfish or not...

Make the right choice...

now ya'll have that opportunity but who wants to look at what brings pain? Who wants to do right and have the possibility for no self gain? Lifes just not fair or easy. Just like humans aren't honest and true to their word....

What am i gaining by attempting to help you?

We are not all the same... theres many different colours in the rainbow of man kind...

You didn't really tell me anything about what this guy told you about God though...

i can't correct what i don't know hun...

Take a look at this... just for fun...
Who are you?

reply to post by Rishiana

I never asked and then listened to him. I was so self centered on me I never did right and listened to his words and just did them. See... he was my God.... if I told you I saw my fate while taking a shower yesterday and I was to commit suicide and die and have my wish done would you believe me? If I told you I saw many a thing.... and almost all of it came true.... his death, my own betrayal in a manner of speaking... the fact that everything fell apart in my life when he said it would... the troubles with my body on Earth that he warned in subtle hints.... yeah... some of it makes me wonder if he did use me.... but other things make me wonder if he wasn't toughening me up... and some times I think he was just being an ###.

Sweetie,
this sounds like a desperate cry for help....and considering your "mood" as shown in your profile, I'm worried about you.
I have no idea how old you are, or who this jerk is that made you feel this way....or what childhood issues/lessons you are buying into.....but try to step back a foot or two.

Imagine you are a jewel... A precious jewel. Doesn't matter if it's a diamond, emerald, ruby, pearl, whatever....imagine your inner hurt part as that jewel. Normally you keep it in a velvet-lined box, safely tucked away in your most private place.

Then imagine you are going to give it to someone else. You have to trust that person, right? And if they break your trust, will you just let that jewel go? Or will you fight for it?

I suggest you do some very serious thinking about the "little girl" that is still within you. She is there to help you. Hold her hand. Say her name. She is counting on you, but she can't 'make' you do anything. Will you destroy her, too??

Please, Rishiana, take some deep breaths. Sit and relax...look into a fire, or at the stars, or pet your cat....you are a divine child. The child within you that is hurt, that feels bad, needs your help, your companionship. She won't let you down. When you feel weak, imagine you are grasping her hand.

She knows you. She IS you. You can make it. You can do this.

We all go through pain, loss, grief, guilt, remorse, fear.....ALL of us.

Reach out to that little girl. She will remind you how precious you are. Picture her. Take in a long breath...count to four while you do so. Hold it in for a count of four. Let it out over a count of four. Then relax for a count of four. Continue to do this (it's called "square breathing"....and concentrating on your breathing helps ground you, helps put your emotions at bay) until you feel calmer.

Know that people care about you. You're not done yet, dear. You're not ready to check out.
Keep going. The forest seems thick, and dark, but your inner child needs to get through it. No one else can show you your path.

Keep the faith. And live.
Hug to you, and to her. Hug one another. It will all be okay, I promise.

Originally posted by RevelationGeneration
reply to post by Starchild23

 

That book is the key to unlocking the mysteries of life. Maybe you should try taking a look some time.

edit on 25-4-2012 by RevelationGeneration because: (no reason given)

And you think by studying the scripture or listening to those who you believe have found the answers that you have found the truth. You should stop reading and start listening to the living God. The one who speaks to man today. You are doing the same thing that the Pharasees did. They believed that they had obtained rightousness by the law, scripture. Rightousness is not found in scripture but rather believing in the spirit that inspired scripture. You believe that Jesus was born a man, died on the cross, and rose three days later. How do you think this saves you?

The words you speak contradict the words of the Christ, therfore it is apparent you have not searched the spirit for the true meaning of scripture. One can not find the path to rightousness through studying scripture. The path to rightousness is found in the spirit. If the spirit is indeed in you like you claim than you should spend more time listening and less time judging. Until you can see the error in your judgement than you prove that you have not believed in Christ. Christ is the spirit in you and you have yet to listen to him.

reply to post by Akragon


Okay... I know all of what you say does ring true. But its hard to explain. See.... even the Wiccans I talk to and are in contact with know this war is coming. They know nothing can stop it. My mentor.... he didn't tell me about God... he earned that respect by providing small miracles in my life. Not through some spell.... he abandoned me.... broke me in two.... rebuilt me... and not to be bad. He admitted little things that I did not like. But through it all I never listened to what needed to be listened to. Okay.... lets start from this story.

There once was a seven year old girl, who loved her grandpa whom she fondly called Pops very dearly. This man was a righteous man who believed in the lord, and was extremely strict to the lords teachings. The girl every day looked up to this man.... and was sometimes very selfish towards him because she was spoiled rotten by him. The man gave her treats..... every time he came home from work. At Easter she was spoiled rotten with candy and he hugged and kissed on her and joked with her. He would take her to work with him and show her things about the way of the Oilfield business and she loved hanging out in his shop area where the pool table was upstairs. He was a hard working man who tired endlessly for his family.

One fateful day, when it was foggy.... and the mist was high in the air, she would wave good bye to this man as he drove his truck down the drive way to drive her nanny Jan to the Airport and then go to work.... but before that she had asked him for some Chocolate Covered Raisins even though she had a whole basket of Easter Candy already. The man had smiled and kissed her cheek laughing..... well... let me start again even before I continue with this part of the tale.

One day after Easter Mass the young girl was reading books about God and Jesus. She was very devout to him and believed in the magick and miracle he could perform so much so that every day after Church she would be praised for reading the Childrens Bible Books about God and learning good manners and behavior from the books. One day while she was reading from the book she had a weird vision.... and it was of a beautiful White Wolf... with piercing blue eyes..... and it said to her, before the appointed time of the next part of my story which will be my grandpas death..... "Child be strong... you have tough times ahead of you." The child smiled to herself and replied... "Of course I'm always strong!!!" The wolf just shook its beautiful head and vanished and so the child thought she had gone a bit crazy. Life continued on as normal up until after Easter when her grandfather left the house early to bring her nannie to the Airport and then he himself head up to his shop for work.

So.... later that evening while the girl was talking to her mom and playing with a puzzle her mom spoke up. My dad ((The girls Pops or grandfather)) sure is taking a long time to get home. The girl.. innocent and always optimistic and trusting in the Lord her God said.... I'm sure he is just working late and is fine. So a little while later the young girl was called by her mother to go and get ready for bed and that she, ((Her mom)) would help her brush her teeth. Sooooo the young girl begrudgingly left what she was playing with and went to do what she had been asked. A little while into her mom brushing her teeth the young girls grandmother came over and whispered something into her moms ear. Her mom exclaimed in a saddened and horrified voice "OMG NO!!!" and the young girl was confused. She asked her mom and grandmother what was wrong and her grandmother smiled sadly... but tried not to smile and broke the girls perfect world and heart in two. Your grandfather... your Pops is dead.... he's at the hospital.... the young girls world was shattered. She was heart broken.... she felt alone.... for the first time she felt as if God was not there and he had purposely forsaken her. She had not remembered the White Wolfs warning..... she had forgotten it and thought it as of nothing... remember that... she had completely forgotten it.

So... they rushed themselves off to the hospital to see her grandfather whom the young girl had loved dearly. He was lying in a hospital bed filled to the brim with IVs. That was the last time the young girl would be able to kiss her Pops forehead.... the last time she'd ever smile genuinely... that night.... that day they found a bag of melted chocolate raisins in his back truck. The girl weeped... the girl mourned and cried out to God to bring her beloved grandfather back..... she wanted the man resurrected.... yes.... a forbidden thing I understand and know now.... but back then as a child I knew nothing. I weeped for years..... and for eight years... I couldn't even talk about him without bursting into tears. But this isn't the end of my sad tale. Yes.... there is more...

So as a young girl.... she weeped... and helped her grandmother cope with her loss by sleeping in the bed with her.

Originally posted by Rishiana
reply to post by Starchild23

 

Okay so I recently hit a road bump with that which I have written in my own thread. Things aren't making sense to me but you know what? Your video actually made me sick... how the hell can you just do that to people? I may have barely any hope in my body atm that God is real and going to save us. "EXCUSE" me to the people here that believe. I may actually tell them the truth and that at this very moment I think we are doomed to toil and live in pain and agony when the wars of ages come because we can not heal and love ourselves to fix our own problems and actually trust God even when he abandons us.

But you know whats the one thing I refuse to do? Tell someone your smart and logic and science is right when I know damn well its the reason we are so materialistic. Honestly.... if one person genuinely believes in the lord and takes my advice to heart they would learn to love thyself and heal thyself to love and heal another and not cast them into the pits of Hell with them. I could do it and take someone to the pits of hell with me as well as so many other people, but right now I wont.... because no matter which way I look at things, what was shown to me before this bump in my path happened was true. But it hurts to know I've been forsaken now after all the struggles I tried to overcome.

So Starchild23 you truly do have issues. I do not mean to be offensive when I say this but you have no right to do that to another living being. I don't care what kind of pain and misery I am in atm.... I refuse to allow myself to falter and drag another down a tough path. ~Sigh~ Its at times like these when I wish my God would have killed me... and made me a stillborn.... I knew I'd fail in this life. Just saying.... no one is going to listen and no matter which way I turn I know the truth... but I must rely on my hope in people and try to be a good example and show them its okay.... all you need to do is love thyself... to help another person in trouble.

edit on 30-4-2012 by Rishiana because: Separated the paragraphs and added parathenses

edit on 30-4-2012 by Rishiana because: More info needed

edit on 30-4-2012 by Rishiana because: More info

edit on 30-4-2012 by Rishiana because: Rewrote a paragraph

Who convinced you that God has forsaken you? God has not forsaken you but this feeling is often times the first step to healing. You must forget what you learned about the bible through Catholics and Christians, they don't know what they are reading and they close the door to God on many who want to believe. The Holy Spirit is with you, when you realize this than you can know that you are forgiven and not forsaken. The truth is simple the spirit of Christ is in you, all you need to do is listen. You will know the spirit you listen to by the message that it speaks.

The bible explains that God punishes those he loves. It sounds like you feel punished so you can know that you are indeed loved. The self rightous and the souless will never know the pain you feel. They refuse to listen to God and accept judgement. You have accepted God's judgement but you have failed to realize that you are being taught and instead you have believed you are forsaken. If you were forsaken you would no longer be punished. The only way to escape judgement is to listen to the Spirit and do what it says.

You must be ready to turn away from sin and accept that God has created a way for man to live like Christ. If you can accept that Christ is in you and you are willing to listen than you can be set free from the chains of this world that bind you to your current state of mind. Freedom is not found in scripture but it is found in the Holy Spirit.

reply to post by Akragon


So one night as the young girl was sleeping in the bed with her grandmother she had another vision.... except this one was a dream. It was placed in a beautiful kingdom and there was a man holding her close... he was giving off a warm feeling... a loving feeling.... he reminded her so much of her Pops it hurt her poor already weakened and broken heart. So as she lay in this mans arms.... thinking she was back with her pops.... the man looking like an angel to her with long silver hair and blue eyes in a white robe..... he said to her... you are mine child and you are my messenger. The young girl was shocked and confused.... and so she asked.... wait... your not my Pops? The young man shook his head and replied no but told her in a comforting voice to trust him and be strong that everything would be alright and be made clear to her soon. The young girl was angered at this... how could a complete stranger dare tell her everything was going to be all right in her life when she had lost the most important thing to her in the world?!?!?!!? So she yelled at him and told him this.... and the young man frowned and grew angry with her. He told her.... How dare you say such things and not trust in your Lord. After that he transformed into a black robed figure with a Scythe.... and his beautiful face became scary and she was thrust off of the clouds and told "She would learn the hard way" and the young girl awoke in her body, her heart racing at a feverish pitch as she remembered falling and slamming back into her body hard. At the time the young girl thought it was a nightmare.... but now I know it was God. But before even this happened.... one day after my grandpa was buried.

The young girl had just come home from school and was very depressed and sick of the human population. At this time the young girl had had enough of the constant bullying and taunting at school. At this time her grandmother had begun to shelter the young girl from the harsh realities of the real world because she felt sorry for the loss she had to endure at a young age. Her grandma though had called her into the Office area of their house and in her hand was a picture of her grandfather surrounded by angels. The young girl smiled a fake smile and said it was beautiful and then headed towards the window where she screamed a delighted scream. "OMG POPS IS ALIVE!!!" Her grandma frowned and said no he isn't as the young girl ran outside to greet the man who was turning a small corner near a thin street sign in the corner of their yard. As he got to it and started to turn around the corner of the sign he vanished just as the girl got to her her door step and opened the door. Frowning and staring where the man once had walked off to she would turn and run back into the house calling for her Mom and Grandma. Once again she thought she had gone crazy and mad with grief and asked her mom and grandmother if they had seen what she had seen. Hoping that they had and that it was a sign God was answering her prayers. They smiled sadly and shook their heads replying no it must have been her imagination. Once more the girl was heart broken and thought to herself God must not be real... and she went off to play a video game like her usual schedule was when she had no home work. Now on to an instance in my life where I shocked my family to death a few days after my weird vision / dream.

One day the young girl was taking a bath. Now you must know.... this girl grew up in a Catholic Religious family so Satan or Lucifer was never once mentioned to the girl. As she was taking a bath and being bathed by her mom the young girl had giggled out loud.... "LUCIFER IS MY BEST FRIEND!!!!" Now her mom was shocked.... because no one had dared mention this mans name..... whatsoever to the young girl. Her mother looked at her seriously and asked "Who told you this?" The young girl would giggle and reply.... Lucifer told me... he said he's Jesuses best friend too!!!! Now her mother was appalled..... and tried to explain to the young girl, who was still only seven years old that Lucifer was a bad angel. For a long time the young girl didn't believe her mother until she was eight years old and her mom explained to her that perhaps Lucifer wanted to help Jesus and repent for what he had done..... and after that the young girl never mentioned Lucifer was her best friend again.

During the rest of the young girls years she grew up with a young boy named Chance.... and this boy was her best friend and only friend at the time. They would hang out at his house for hours on end.... and play video games and eat snacks and play in his pool which was huge. Eventually she grew away from this boy and started to not want to hang out with anyone. She became a hardcore gamer and began to indulge her free time in playing games endlessly to escape the harsh realities of life....

Eventually at the age of thirteen she was completely and utterly alone.... and she tried to go outside and play sports. The young girl had been bullied endlessly at school about her looks and the way she did things like read books all the time and never talk to any of the other kids at the school.

reply to post by Akragon


Yes.... this girl was the type of girl to not trust anyone but the two girls whom she had made good friends with and whom she thought would be her friends forever. Now remember.... the girl had been sheltered all her life so she figured everyone and everything was or tried to be honest. She didn't understand the world was unfair.... harsh.... and very cruel.... and she at the time hated her family and took them for granted. Something that one child should never do but yes.... she did it. It also didn't help that these so called friends agreed with her and never tried to teach her about the real realities of life or help her at all. But yet she did what she could for them. She gave them sound advice.... supported them to make new friends... and yet all the while she was alone in school because she was always one grade higher then they were. She was loyal to her friends and would protect them in school from the bad crowd, that or she would try to. As she grew older, around the age of fifteen the young girl would begin to talk with her so called friends less and less because they seemed to not be interested in her anymore. Saddened by this but still loyal to them she began to hang out on a Role Playing site called Gaia Online and it was there she met what she thought would be her first and only true love. Though to her grandparents horror and to her not understanding their stupid reasoning.... this was a far, far older man. One whom would change and scarr her in the ways of learning what real love really was. It would also be the turning point in her life where her unnatural and should we say supernatural abilities started to awaken, as was her first hatred of her real family.... where she truly began to despise them. But before this, the girl sinned and felt awful for what she did to two cousins of hers... one when she was around the age of eight or nine and the other when she was thirteen years old.

((Okay before I go on know that I hold no regrets in my life.... there is no reason to because this is my past.... and I have totally and royally sent it to the toilet in my future.... and I understand this.... and the only way to try and make things right is to try and fix my future and that of others. So if you judge me for my darkest and most hated secret then you have no right what so ever to talk to me about God and how he can only forgive you. You are by no means better then a murderer who killed and raped a child. For petes sake even he, who could forgive himself and learn to change his ways even if he were to be on Death Row could do better then you for judging anothers past. I've learned this the hard way.... I don't hate a single soul but I hate the actions of humans.... and I hate how we treat others including the rapists and murders like they don't deserve crap. I have two of the most horrid secrets on my plate and I am about to reveal them both to complete and total strangers so that they know me completely and understand where I am coming from. I know most would lie about the their darkest secrets and not tell a single soul except a few but I'm tired of being judged for being evil. So I'm going to lay them out in the open and show you how I have changed and fought my own struggles and battles to become a better person and understand God even though I am a Wiccan and a Spiritualist. If you think me evil and horrid and hate me after these next few paragraphs go ahead. I'll completely understand and turn the other cheek to be slapped and beaten and called a rotten ......... ~Insert cuss words here~ ............ for what I feel I truly am. So here I go people.))

To make a long story short I ended up making sexual relations at the age of nine with one of my closest cousins who does not remember a thing about them. Btw we are older now and no longer as close. ~Sigh~ We never had full on but we did some things. I was around the age of nine and I forget how old he was but he wasn't too far behind me in age. The next thing I did sickens me to my soul.... all I will say is I touched a young child who was my cousin... because I didn't know the feelings of true love the counselor I went to afterwards concluded. I was young at the time as well and after that my family never treated me the same way again. But then again can you blame them? ~Sigh~ I hate what I did and made the conscious effort to change myself and make myself a better person. Is that evil? Is it wrong to have never known real love? Either from family who you felt had forsaken you because of your grandfathers death and left you alone to carry their burdens and your own? Is it wrong.... to want love? Moving on..... the next part of my story isn't easy to swallow either. After that incident I became an old fashioned romantic... and began to not care about the age of my lover because love was love.

reply to post by Akragon


So at around this time... I was still searching for love, and I was thirteen years old. But the next part of my story takes place when I was fifteen years old. I was young and believed that age should never matter when you are in love with another person. As I grew up, trying to fix my wicked ways and find my path to God.... weird things began to happen to me. I met many people online who became in my eyes my true friends. One of them was a Pothead and at one time was my bf and was Atheist but his story comes later on in my life.... so lets continue down my horrid memory lane. I was fifteen years old on a Role Playing site and I had recently made two new friends that to this day are still my closest and most precious of friends. But that is unimportant.... not to mention my only two close true friends but moving on. See these friends had introduced me to this site. So as I was Role Playing I eventually met a man who lied to me repeatedly about his age to make a long horrid story short. He was forty three years old and I did not care... I loved him. We did unmentionable things on the phone.... for you see I wasn't the most angelic of teens at the time.... but yet all the while.... I was still hoping God was real... and in event of a horrid twist of fate my grandparents became concerned for me and my chat logs and privacy was broken by the police. I hated my family for being so close minded and doing this to me. I became a extremely rebellious child at this time and eventually this man just up and disappeared from my life... leaving me hurt, confused.... and sad. After that I began to question if love was real as well as God. Moving on....

After my first true heartbreak I eventually met Brandon online who was the same age as me. He was a Pothead and one day told me while I was suicidal at the time to get high and take three small dosage Tylenol Pills... and that I would feel better and would not feel like killing myself but you see... at the time my problems were this for me to get to this kind of state. My family disrespected me and I felt unloved compared to the rest of my family members. My old friends were abandoning me and telling me to quit whining about my problems to them and yet they whined about theirs to me all the time and I was always there listening and counseling them with open arms and ears so to speak. I was helping people online who had the same troubles as me to help them avoid making my mistakes. I was just so stressed and tired of humanities constant fighting and unable to fight their own battles which I had fought long and hard to do myself and alone to boot or so it had felt that way to me. So weighing in at one hundred and two pounds at the time and sick of the world I decided to take four Tylenol Pills that were two hundred milligrams, hoping that I would die and be done with the world.

So I took them and then went back to my bedroom and I layed down on my bed. Well I felt a warm and comforting presence start to take my soul out of my body.... and days before this I had been seeing all kinds of shadows in and around my house.... and at this point in time I woke up in another body and in another room. This was my first visit to what I would call the Spirit Realm... because I didn't understand about Wicca or any other thing of the sort at this point in time..... this man wore an eighteenth century Tuxedo suit and had red eyes and long silver hair and he also had abs. He was..... hot..... thats all I will say.... I wanted me to stay where I was at X.X But what I was on was a long silver table... I was in a room with Gold embroidering around the top of the walls and the wall paper was of a maroon color. The floor was a beautiful color of black if I am remembering correctly.... because all of a sudden my memory just got extremely foggy..... it was either black or purple that is all I know for sure.... and all this man said to me when I asked him if I was in Heaven was "Its not your time" and he said this with a big smile before I could utter another word or question to him.

I was then flung back into my human body much to my dismay and I was convulsing and shaking rapidly.... it was so weird though because I had felt no pain... and above my bed there was a beautiful dark shadow and a beautiful white shadow that appeared to be angels fighting each other. Only later on when I was older would I come to understand that it was a white wolf I had seen and a black raven with a woman who was its owner who carried a scythe who were battling it out above my bed. The white shadow though flung itself at me and I was protected and returned to normal. During this time I could not scream or utter a single word. The next day at school through email I talked to my friend Brandon about it. He said I must have had a trippy hallucination.... and again I thought I was crazy and deranged.

reply to post by Akragon


So listen... I could go on and on about my past but the point I am trying to make here is this. We all have our dark horrid past that leads up to our future and where we are now. I'm twenty three years old.... a Wiccan and Spiritualist searching for that God and this man, my mentor has said things about my past that allowed me to believe that maybe the pages of the Bible are coming true and he is who he says he is. Nothing is easy.... but we should not regret a single thing in our past because it may or may not have led us to becoming a better and greater person in the end. ~Sigh~ I've done horrid things but... at heart I am now me.... a strong woman with a conviction to do right.... but now I'm sure many people would think differently and that is fine. Not everyone can overlook their own wrong doings as well as others mistakes and focus on the future and what is best for them and the future of the ones who they come into contact with. This is what I've learned from my God that I have talked to ya'll about. We need to focus on our future to fix the past and prevent it at the same time.

reply to post by Rishiana


actually you haven't said much about what this guy told you about God... or any of your beliefs in God...

Interesting story though... as i've said im not here to judge you.

Though you should know the past does not exist... the past is only memories some good, some not so good, and regrets... The future doesn't exist either, until we get there... the future is only hopes, dreams and aspirations....

All we have is now my dear... thats all that exists... its all that has ever existed...

So now that you're story is over with... perhaps you'd like to get to the question i asked several hours ago lol

reply to post by wildtimes


Wildtimes this is a cry for help.... but... the cry is no longer for me. I wont be hard on myself any longer but I've made some very foolish mistakes lately. I believe they may have even upset lives and that this balance is disrupted and possibly can not be restored. But even through that I am not faltering on the path I feel the lord set me upon. There are always reasons.... and there are always things such as fate and destiny.... and even if bad... I am sure I can save a few by teaching them my mistakes. I don't know if I can tell myself everything will be fine and alright... but I do know I can try and smile and enjoy life for now and be a better person from now on as I move through it. Also... I'm twenty three hun.