How Do You Mend A Broken Heart?

reply to post by ofhumandescent


Write down and file every effort you make to get her away from her mother. It may be court or police evidence. Write down everything your granddaughter says that pertains to any kind of emotional abuse or physical abuse and write these out and give them to DFCS (KEEP A COPY FOR YOURSELF).

If DCFS won't help ask to speak to the field office supervisor, he's too busy, get his bosses phone number and name. Call the Director of the Illinois DCFS if you have to. I would get the government involved. Contact the governor, your state representative. your state senator, hire a private investigator to get all the dirt you can you prove she is unfit. Talk to a domestic violence counselor at the courthouse or go to the courthouse and see if you have any grounds for a restraining order.

Get a lawyer that will fight for you to have custody.

If necessary make child abuse hotline calls on her. These must be investigated and these allegations will remain on her record whether or not they are substantiated.

The more pressure you bring to bear on her, the more likely she is to move away. Like I said, hire a private detective. It wouldn't hurt to contact her neighbors and ask them to let you know what she is doing.

Last, but not least. Pray.

Best wishes.

reply to post by sad_eyed_lady


Good advice. Her father has given her a diary with a key and she keeps it in her room at his house under her pillow and nobody is to touch it, but she says when she is twelve and gets to talk to the judge she is going to hand it to him.

I have asked her what she has written and she has said, "Just wait and see."

I told her, "Be sure and only tell the truth, no fantasy trips".

She replied, "No fantasy trips needed, only the truth, I promise."

My son is also documenting stuff - lawyers don't care, system doesn't care and I've been told to keep my nose out of it, to just be there for her, be cheerful, offer advice if asked for and show her love.

I wish I could make the hurt in her heart go away but I can't.

Thank you for the advice.

We have already spent $28,000 on lawyers - if my ex daughter in law had not wanted to draw this battle out, I would have given her the town house (We have a house and town house).

Grandparents in Illinois have next to no rights.

We have seen some of the best lawyers in the state, to no avail.

The child is considered the property of the mother. Again, the system doesn't care because kids growing up not having a good home life make for good little worker drones.

You dismantle the family unit (divide and conquer) and it's easier for the few elite to control the many.

What a sad situation, of human, I'm sure you're in a lot of pain...
it sounds to me like Lexie knows she is loved, and who the people are that she can trust (you and her father's side of the family).

She is also comfortable talking to you, and that is the the most critical thing. It only takes one loving, caring, available adult to help a kid get through this kind of bs...and she has that...in you, her dad, and your husband.

I would recommend that you encourage Lexie to talk to her teachers, to let them know what is going on at home. They can intervene (and are mandated reporters)...
also, she sounds like a bright and self-possessed (in a good way) little gal, and in one more year she can speak for herself. With support (which she is getting, from you and her dad), even if it's only via telephone, facebook, etc., she can make it through this. Have faith in her.

In fact, ask her what she would like you to do on her behalf. Eleven isn't a baby anymore....she has her own thoughts and concerns on the matter, and they must be validated. ... listen to her with empathy, reassure her that she is beautiful, and don't be afraid to talk to her about why her mom is that way. Lexie is capable of realizing that not all families are that way, and that it is NOT HER FAULT that her mom treats her so horribly.

You could try teaching her some "emotional armor" imagery...that when her mom becomes monstrous it is a sign that her mom has problems, not that she (Lexie) is a bad kid; she can practice tuning her mom out, and learn to "objectify" mom's awful behavior as a function of her (the mom's) misery. She's very fortunate to have you and her dad, even if it's only occasionally, to buoy up her self-esteem.

Tell her that you are always there for her, and that she can call you anytime she feels the need to talk. Remind her of the "safe places" (like, as someone said, the police station; fire stations, QuikTrips (do you have those there), and let her know that she is valued, loved, and worthy.

As long as she has that lifeline, she's got a very good chance of getting through this...and I suspect one day will make a GOOD MOM herself, for having suffered through this abuse and torment.

I'm so sorry for you having to go through this....I have a feeling it's your heart that is breaking every bit as much as hers. Let her know that her mom is not parenting her well; allow her to continue to talk about it, and let her know you understand how she must be feeling.

Sounds like a heavy and really unfortunate set of circumstances...only one more year, and she can get out. It will go by quickly. Do you know where she goes to school? Can you go there to have lunch with her from time to time?

Whatever you do, make sure she knows how much you care, and how much she means to you.... that she is not the problem, but for now she must remain the target of her mother's self-loathing.

oh, and btw, the woman is an adult....she must be held accountable for her actions, regardless of what her own upbringing was. Frankly, is sounds like she is quite damaged herself. That does NOT mean Lexie will be damaged, too....
hug to you both.

reply to post by tothetenthpower


No, in Illinois it is twelve and April 25th she turns eleven. She is keeping a journal at her fathers house and marking off the days when the court will talk with her as a entity.

I love my grand daughter and would give my life for her in a second if I could have spared her this junk.

Her mother just loves to fight..................it's like in her nature. I pleaded with her to not drag Lexie through this, I would have given her anything (and we have some money, not alot but enough) if Alexis was not made a pawn in this "game of war".

My son is no saint, but he did raise his daughter, and they did form a close bond while mom was out partying.......much like Caylee Anthony's mother.

My son made a bad choice, he has, like my grand daugher ADHD - and the system simply doesn't care.

Short of the mother being a noted crack addict or a long arrest record (the mother's brother does) the system doesn't care.

Thank you however for your input. I appreciate your reply.

Please anyone reading this pray or meditate for my grand daughter to be able to survive.

She is such a sweet, nice and gentle soul.

reply to post by wildtimes

Do you know where she goes to school? Can you go there to have lunch with her from time to time?

No, every time we find out where Lexie is her mother moves.

She is hiding something, always, like her mother, hiding, even her father doesn't know where she lives or goes to school.

So much for Illinois State caring.

Each time we see her we make a point of telling her we love her and she can, when she is of legal age, come live with us, we have her bedroom waiting for her.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind reply.

reply to post by Gwampo


Child Services could give a flying f8&%$.

Get real, they are over loaded and plain don't care.

reply to post by Gwampo


And we have seeked out "family services and lawyers" to the tune of &$28,000 USD,

Cruel, heartless reply

i've gone through hell and back on this one. WTFU.

reply to post by ChaoticOrder


Child and family services here in Chicago are over loaded and next to hanging a kid in a closet, which I have seen, they don't care.

And yes I handled a claim where a ten year old boy was found dead hanged in his closet.

Dream on.

reply to post by Gwampo


Thank you for starred and raising attention.................for all children in this situation. I appreciate this.

reply to post by Gwampo


Child Services doesn't care.

Mom moves as soon as DCFS is called.

Another school, another hidden PO Box.............The court doesn't give a 8&it.

We have forked over $28,000 to just allow our son to see his daughter every two weeks for 48 hours. And another $1,500 to stop "mom" from harrassing my son's place of business and his fiance.

She is stalking him...................not vice versa.

She has smacked him in the parking lot not vice versa.

But the law in Illinois is clearly backwards and in favor of the woman.

Thank you however and starred for bumping this up.

Besides finding a lump in my left breast I am besides myself with worry about my grand daughter being mentally abused by being called "Stupid" vs her name by her mother because she brought home a bad report card.

She BTW: Like her father (and probably mother) is ADHD.

Thank you again.

reply to post by ofhumandescent




I'm so sorry she, and you are going through all of this. It sounds like the mother has a mental illness. Please, whatever you do, and I'm sure you're doing it already, continue to love this child as much as you can in the short amount of time you have her. I don't know how the laws are regarding visitation, but I thought you couldn't withhold visitation based on child support? I'm newly separated, so I don't know. When my husband left, I told him that he was my daughter's father and always would be and unless he mentally, physically, or sexually abused her, I would NEVER cut him off. When my daughter was with me, I didn't consider it full custody. I considered it shared custody since he could have her whenever he wanted (within reason of school demands of course.) Parents like this woman, I can't stand. They need to realize, it's not about them, it's about the child. I hope to God you finally get a judge who sees this. I know some will listen to the child depending on the age. Have you called CPS about the mental abuse? Maybe that would help your case? If you haven't already that is.


Never mind. I see CPS has been done. Continue to do the journal when you have her. Love her to bits and let her know she has a safe place with you.

Originally posted by ofhumandescent
Update: Mother has decided to not comply with court ruling that we get to see and celebrate Lexie's birthday this weekend, Sunday April 22, 2012.

It's a conspiracy, a scam my ex daughter in law has bought into.

If she had just let this divorce be a civil, nice, no hate divorce, I would have given her the town house we own.

Anything for my grand daughter.

But her mother wants to fight, to give all her money and ours to lawyers.

Because of her excess baggage, her being abandon by her mother, and raised by a alcoholic, mean father she would rather fight, enjoys fighting, using her own baby as a pawn rather then just doing what's best for my grand daughter.

I'm so sorry. Children should never have to deal with all of this. I imagine your granddaughter is as upset as you are. It's sounds like your home is a safe place for her, and she will not get that this weekend.

reply to post by ofhumandescent


It's lousy how the courts favour the woman. Happened to me years ago with wife number one. Called her bluff one time when she was threatening and it ended up with my then 12 month old daughter getting a broken arm. Too many stories to go into here. All I can say is that further down the track it will turn out OK. I sincerely believe that with all of my being. Now, years later, BOTH of my daughters to that disaster of a marriage refuse to even be in contact with their "mother" and I use that term loosly. They call and visit me and my new beautiful, caring wife heaps of times a year. Just hang in there (both you and your boy) trust that eventually, the daughter will make the right decision as soon as it's possible for her to do so. Sh!t I feel for you. So very much. Hope this helps.
Warmest wishes
Steve

Firstly can I just tell you how very sorry I am that you and your Granddaughter are in this terrible situation!

As far as the legal side of it goes, I'm wary on giving you any advice as I don't know much about how the law works in these situations in America - but one thing's for sure, evidence of her Mothers disgraceful behaviour is needed if that poor child is going to be listened to by the authorities!

As someone suggested is there anyway your Granddaughter could record the abusive way in which her Mother speaks to her? Does she have a mobile phone with record function on? Perhaps that would be a bit less suspicious than another recording device?

A friend of ours was in a similar situation, and his ex wife was mentally abusing their Son - she wouldn't allow her Son to have a mobile phone, however luckily our friend recorded some of the abuse himself during telephone conversations with his ex wife - it all turned out well and the boy is living with his Dad now.

Also, would your Granddaughter be able to confide in a teacher at her school perhaps? Teachers can have a lot of influence with child services.

Other than this all I can do is wish you the best, this is the first time I've even looked in the rant forum, and just felt I had to post here - good luck.

I can't add anything here. But I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm just putting a thumbs up on the suggestion of presenting another way everytime you get a chance. Just knowing that there are people who care can be enough to make a difference.

It is the person with physical custody that is favour by the systems - in most cases this is the woman. This is why in several places people don't return children from visitation or custody week. Physical custody trumps in "child as property" states. Don't know if this is the case in your state. Essentially if Dad gets her, and just doesn't give her back he can sometimes make a case. Again, I don't know the laws in your state and can't say if your state is one of the ones where this works (and is usually not talked about.)

Originally posted by SibylofErythrae
I can't add anything here. But I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm just putting a thumbs up on the suggestion of presenting another way everytime you get a chance. Just knowing that there are people who care can be enough to make a difference.

It is the person with physical custody that is favour by the systems - in most cases this is the woman. This is why in several places people don't return children from visitation or custody week. Physical custody trumps in "child as property" states. Don't know if this is the case in your state. Essentially if Dad gets her, and just doesn't give her back he can sometimes make a case. Again, I don't know the laws in your state and can't say if your state is one of the ones where this works (and is usually not talked about)

I suppose the worry would be that if through such a course of action, and the child eventually being returned to the mother, that access would then be denied. That said, if I was the parent in such a situation, and knew that my child was suffering such emotional abuse, I wouldn't have wasted $28,000 going to court of niggles, I would have taken that money, and my child and got as far away as possible. But that's me, some things, in my opinion are worth risking a prison sentence.

If as you say, there is a caveat in some state laws giving preference to the parent in 'possession', I would seriously think about looking into exploiting that, and have the mother put her hand in her pocket to take you (OP) and your son to court to regain custody. If she is anything at all how you describe, I very much doubt that she will even bother once she realises just how difficult that could be, and how much scrutiny she will be put under. Either way, if it was my child, I'd move heaven and earth.

You know I'f half of what you say is true op, I probably would of taken all that money spent on the court's and appeasing her and put out a hit on your granddaughter mother. And I am only half joking, really I would of been thinking of how many accidents could of befallen her and oh so mysteriously ended up breaking her neck long ago...What can I say sometimes I am just not that nice.

I'f she keeps moving around, and has full custody I don't see what can you really do, since she can just move ship every-time something happens, and set up shop somewhere else. She can be making up all kinds of stuff even if you do bring evidence against her, and that is if you actually do that since from all you said she seems to be in control and just leading you all on a merry chase while the courts just seem to be sucking up your dollars and she sucks up your energy, they love long drawn out cases, for reasons I am sure you can surmise.

I suppose when your granddaughter is old enough she can speak for herself and then they will be forced to action, that is if the mother does not move some were beyond your means by then, or if your granddaughter isn't already lost. Till then its like a stupid game of cat and mouse, back and forth, and i do not think playing up to her mercy and motherly instinct will make her anything more then more power hungry and know that she can control you all that much easier. So really I suggest you make her an offer that she cant refuse.

I think someway somehow it would be best to at least convince the courts that she your granddaughter at least should be spending more time if not equal time with her other family members, other family members being dad, or you yourself. Really if she is as bad as you say then something, somewhere, sometime, has to give and I am sure you can find some way to find some dirt on her, or at least hire somebody to do that for you, since the courts don't seem to be helping much.