Started taking medication... now I feel even more suicidal than before...

If this world is making you really sick to your stomach, did you ever stop and think maybe its not you?

Take a look around.

It makes me wanna puke. For instance, I worked the last stat holiday and I am entitled to my days pay plus time and a half, so what does my employer do, he substitutes my regular day off as the stat and so instead of time and a half I get straight time. Totally illegal, but he does it anyways, and if you complain, you will get fired.

And he is as typical as anyone else I have ever seen, who will do it to you in a heartbeat although he comes on as a nice guy.

And the law itself, encourages that, because it states that he can substitute if you both agree in writing.

SO you see they made a law that says he can rip you off for half a days pay if you both agree to that in writing prior.
SO then he just omits the written agreement part.

SO you see, he is corrupt, AND the law is corrupt, and the people who make the laws, all a bunch of scum bags.

And you wonder why you are sick. Its a sick evil disgusting world. Pray for asteroids. Your problem is the same as most people, you are lied to from birth, that this is not a stinking cesspool of degenerate scum bags. When in fact that is pretty much what it is. And why most people here want to see TSHTF.

We want to watch it burn because it should burn.

You are here for a reason. Let the pain be even more reason to fight. We never grow when things are easy. It takes pain, hell and heartache to shape us into who we need to be. God is here. He never left. In my opinion, we are like children to him. We kick and scream at our perceived injustices and he holds our hand walking us through them to show us the beauty he had planned for us all along. I've learned to find the beauty in everything even in what seems like hopeless circumstances. It also helps to watch a few videos on Youtube of people who are truly suffering. Nothing makes me appreciate the little I have more than that. It takes me out of my misery and makes me want to help the others with all my soul.

I've been on antidepressants before and some of them made me feel like you are feeling. I had to make the doctor switch me asap before I did something stupid. Make sure you don't drink with the meds too, not even one sip, that can increase the suicidal tendencies. Please get back to the doc asap. Don't stop the meds on your own until he gives you instructions. Good luck and my heart is with you.

One more thing, try to turn every thought into a positive instead of a negative. Sounds weird but it works. Instead of "This is hell" say "this is freaking paradise!" Yes, you will be being sarcastic but it will give you a little giggle and you will feel better. The more you change the negative into positive the better you will feel.

reply to post by OwenGP185


I used to take offense at the "in your head" type comment, but I guess it's true.

Neurotransmitters when they go out of whack, usually due to over exposure to stress hormones, but also due to dietary deficiencies, cause all sorts of issues. That's where the meds can help to try to re-set the balance so that meditation and cognitive therapy can make sense for future use to control the bodies stress response.

sometimes people need to stay on meds for life, other times maybe for much shorter time, it just depends on how much needs to be biologically "repaired" .

Just call your doctor man. Do that as soon as possible. He can't help you when he doesn't know there is something wrong with you. When you talk to him you will find out if he is a good fit for you, if he helps you or not, but you have to at least give him a chance. Look up if the drug you are taking can cause kidney pains as well. Research and collaborate with your doctor. Don't go into this blind. Exercise is THE MOST IMPORTANT PART. Are you depressed or schizophrenic? Why are you taking this medication? It just sounds like you have a combo of physical problems, lack of exercise, and a lack of love. Life is a journey and not one single person goes through life smiling every day, sometimes even the ones who smile the most get the saddest.

Seriously though, DO NOT WAIT TO CALL YOUR DOCTOR. If you are legit feeling suicidal from this medicine, its up to you to call your doctor and tell him. Like I said, he can't help you when he doesn't know something is wrong. He doesn't want you to feel like shat. That's the opposite of a doctor. lol Exercise is also the most important thing you can do to get better. The more you lift and do cardio, the faster your body will heal, the better your mood will get, the less physical pain you will have, the quicker you will think, and basically the stronger you get physically means you get stronger mentally. Please don't wait to tell your doctor you are feeling suicidal, whether from the medicine or not. Anti-psychotics and anti-depressants are well known for causing suicidal thoughts and even causing people to commit suicide. I have somewhat of an idea of what you are going through and can't stress exercise enough along with calling your doctor! Doctors are not evil demon monsters despite what some may say. It will get better as long as you try and give it enough time. Nothing is more resilient and programmable than the human brain! You are strong you just need to realize it.

My doctor is on vacation. That also means I don't get refills, but if they cause these sorts of feelings, why should I care? I probably should not have started taking them. I personally think these FDA drugs are a tool of TPTB. I used to take them by the fistful, years ago, but got myself off of them. But I was not fine, either way. I think about suicide almost every day, regardless. But back in those days, I was an emotionless zombie. Even when I knew I should be crying, my body and mind would not permit me to shed a tear. So it's bad, no matter what.

And yes, I was born with neuroblastoma. It's a cancer of the nervous system, usually in small children. At the age of 1, a tumor was found near my heart. When they cut my sternum, they damaged the sympathetic nerve, causing Horner's Syndrome, so I also have been walking around with an uneven face, one eye smaller than the other, with a different color, one side of my mouth and nose not quite the same as the other. No one could ever quite put their finger on it, but they knew something about me wasn't right. So... I was a social outcast for reasons no one could put into words, but I knew why. I also have 6 years of chemotherapy. Yay, good times. No, really. Nothing like sleeping on my stomach every night due to nausea and throwing up everywhere, and not being able to eat...

Hm, anyway... the past is the past, right?

So life is spiritual evolution... what, exactly, is going through all this, going to evolve me into? A bitter, cynical, jealous psychopath who hates the world, and seeks only the relief of death? I spit on my life and the state of this world.

Meditation... well, if that requires a healthy spine, forget it. I herniated a disc almost a year ago after losing over 100 pounds. I'm no longer fat, I'm just crippled. I've had sciatica pain down my legs ever since, and that pain has come back completely since the cortisone shots in December. My chakras are probably broken. If there's a chakra in my ass, that's probably broken, too.

Get off the soy for starters. 90% of all soy is Monsanto GMO soy and linked to organ damage (your pain maybe?) and it is in everything. Even organic soy is not good for humans its cattle feed at best but historically farm fodder to plow under. Next start trying to eat organic as much as possible cut out all white flour sugar and processed foods sodas etc as much as possible and drink purified water. The conventional food supply is a toxic waste dump. Local farmers markets or rural small markets often have clean food and Fred Myers carries organics for reasonable.

Also try and get off the meds but do that slowly and try some St Johns Wart and vitamin D for the depression and get some sun every day if you can. Exercise will speed the cleansing even if it is just walking for starters and help you feel better.

As for the stuff happening. I have been out of work for over two years so I am doing handyman work now but it was almost non-existent till last month now I have a bunch of work but my car broke down and to top it off I got sick for the first time in years so I am unmotivated to fix the car right now just want to lay around go figure.

My experience is these things go in cycles usually when you are about to progress you will get hit with a bunch of crap right before then to test you. Also some past life karma maybe. The lesson to learn is this too shall pass and just look forward to moving on and accept it as part of the cycle. The more you get upset over the stronger it seems to hold on... Anyway my 3 cents.

reply to post by MrUncreated

So life is spiritual evolution... what, exactly, is going through all this, going to evolve me into? A bitter, cynical, jealous psychopath who hates the world, and seeks only the relief of death? I spit on my life and the state of this world.

Meditation... well, if that requires a healthy spine, forget it. I herniated a disc almost a year ago after losing over 100 pounds.

I'm no guru, not overly religious, not skilled in meditation, and I don't believe in taking any anti-depressants, but I'm neutral on the thought of anti-psychotics, maybe they are necessary, maybe not, I don't know. Anyhow, I'll try to toss out some more answers from my perspective...

The easy part first. Meditation is just extreme concentration. It doesn't require any yoga moves, in fact it is better if you are just comfortable and quiet. I enjoy it most at sunrise or sunset, but I rarely do it, and I don't have any formal exposure or training, just what I've read on ATS. Just sit comfortably, breath deeply and slowly, in the nose out the mouth, and start to absorb all the sounds and smells and feelings outside and inside of you. Maybe start concentrating on one toe, and discover how it actually feels and then work your way up through your whole body.

As for what can you learn or evolve from all of this chaos, depression, and pain? Maybe that is the evolution. Maybe you just need to experience pain? Maybe you just need to endure the depression, or learn to elevate above the depression. It isn't fair, and I don't believe in a heaven or a hell, but if they exist, they both exist simultaneously right here with us. I won't promise you it will get better, it might even get worse, but I can guarantee you this was meant for you, and there is something to be gained from it if you endure it and take whatever lessons are there for the taking. Your spirit will evolve from it. The body is meaningless, it is just a means to experience what you are experiencing.

DON'T GIVE UP! You might have to start all over if you do! Don't expect any miracles either. Just take control of what you can, discard the rest, and seek to understand it.

reply to post by MrUncreated


What meds have you tried before ? Depakote (3 years) & celexia (2 years) worked well for me.. now I'm good without it now .. 7 years and counting .. and I was all over the place (up/down ... suicidal ..delusional etc ..mood could change many times a day..wouldn't wish the torture on my worst enemy)

Good lord .. you sound like my Mom ... she's had so much wrong with her, ... she's a total miracle.. there's no way she should have made it either .. she used to get a recurring dream that she came from Saturn (war refugee) and this body was "vacant" of soul so to speak so she felt ok about inhabiting it.

"So life is spiritual evolution... what, exactly, is going through all this, going to evolve me into? A bitter, cynical, jealous psychopath who hates the world, and seeks only the relief of death? I spit on my life and the state of this world. "

The choice of what you evolve into is yours .. perception is everything, may I suggest the daily meditations of the Dalai Lama, I found his stuff helped.

Meditation..requires no special positions .. the breathing exercises are helpful..google some and have a go

"I herniated a disc almost a year ago after losing over 100 pounds. I'm no longer fat, I'm just crippled." ..

Have you been to a chiropractor or physiotherapist, do you swim ?
sometimes just a little massage in the buttocks region or gentle leg tugging can get the nerves out of the way to stop the pain .. tiger balm can also help a little rubbed into the butt.

My chakras are probably broken. If there's a chakra in my ass, that's probably broken, too.... visualize a lazer opening up the chakra's ... blast the c**p away

If things get totally unbearable and you do not think you can push the suicidal impulses away, call 911 and get to the emergency room... and at least they should be able to give you pain meds for the sciatica !

The thing is (for everyone who thinks I am a lazy bum who doesn't exercise), I spent over 2 years at the gym. I walked in there as a huge fat slob at 326 lbs. Imagine that... going through the door the first time, was harder than losing the weight. But I went 5 days a week for all that time. Got down to 224 lbs. Next thing I know, my back goes all to pieces. Herniated disc. I'm pretty sure I made a post about this here when it happened. At least, when I could get out of the bed to type here.

Sorry, but ever since this happened, I have tried to go back to the gym. It's just too painful. I do physical therapy here at home, from what I learned at the hospital, and I try to do a routine with bench press/flies/military press/side raise/curls, and I use a rubber resistance band for a lot of things. That's about the best I can do anymore. I was doing 50 minutes of cardio every day. Now it hurts to stand up, so I have to sit down. I ride a stationary bike, when I can. But even after all this time, the pain and discomfort is too much to handle. I guess I will never be the same again.

So now you know why I was eating tofu hamburgers. I have pretty much cut all carbs and fat from my diet. I eat nothing but lean. I don't even eat bread, unless it's the 35 calorie bread. No potatoes, no noodles, no starch, no sugar, period. I'm still losing weight despite not being able to exercise as much, but I will never be happy with the way I look, ever again... and I doubt I'll ever live without pain again, unless someone here would like to chop my head off. Ya wanna?

reply to post by MrUncreated


the exercises you are doing sound all wrong for your back .... yikes !!!!!! please find a second opinion .... I'll U2U on some much gentler on spine exercises this weekend.... (I'm missing a piece of my spine and they help me loads)

I have to run now..but will log back in later

hang in there x0x0x0x

Originally posted by AliceBlackman
reply to post by MrUncreated

 

the exercises you are doing sound all wrong for your back .... yikes !!!!!! please find a second opinion ....

Well... my neurosurgeon, the one who gave me the cortisone shots, was a very frustrating man. First of all, he gave me two options: shots, or surgery. He WOULD NOT tell me what the hell the surgery involved, unless I agreed to do it first. This annoyed me greatly. How can I make a decision, if it is not an informed decision? And secondly, he told me to just go back to the gym and do my normal routine. When I got to the gym, I started getting pain right away. I asked one of the people working there what I should do, and they told me that this man should have prescribed physical therapy. So I went back to him again and got a prescription. They didn't really help me, much. I sit on a rubber ball and bounce up and down and do silly gyrations, etc. It actually helps WHILE I am doing it... after I am finished, the pain comes back within an hour. It's all stupid.

reply to post by MrUncreated


I just bought an Inversion Table at Sports Authority for $129. 5 minutes on that and my lower back was already feeling better. After 3 or 4 uses I was waking up in the morning with no back pain. My lower vertebrae like to get twisted and locked into place, and it causes me sleeplessness, pain, hip pain, and sometimes it puts my upper back out of place. The inversion table allows gravity to separate my vertabrae, fluid fills the discs, and they naturally realign. I get motion sickness if I hang there upside down too long, but I can do 3-5 minutes with no problem, and it helps a bunch!

One simple addition to your diet may also help immensely with depression . Start taking in water or applying to your skin a couple of drops of Lugols solution. Huge numbers of people in our society are deficient in iodine & it is so important to the function of this organic machine our souls inhabit. If you cant find it, make it. I wish you well.

Oh man! I hate to hear all this. It sounds like you are managing fairly well, but could use a little more help. There are a few people on here offering some good suggestions.

One question. Have things been this bad before? I suspect they have. And they got better, yes?
They will get better this time too. Never stop trying. Never. And you're not! You're still dieting, and trying to exercise as much as your physical condition allows. I admire you for that.

Originally posted by lightmere
Very sorry to hear your feeling that way.

My suggestion is you tell this to your doc and they can help with your medication!

People here are not qualified to answer your questions about this here.

This is true, we're not qualified, but obviously your doc has not done much better. So many meds out there cause suicidal thoughts, that I'd call the doc today and get this straightened out!!

Now, for my worthless two cents..... life is a struggle! We all struggle, but you've got to stop obsessing about everything, and just pick up your two feet and go forward. I've always felt that there just might not be some grand meaning to life, just lots of little accomplishments to keep you going. In other words, the struggle in life IS what life is about.

And you need to practice fantasizing about better things you could do or be.....and TURN on some Good music! Seriously! Music is one of the best medicines I know of. Go listen to some music at a bar! And Eat a Real Burger!

Take care and don't give in to those ugly thoughts, create new nice ones. PS: My laptop blew up on me last week, I was paranoid it might have been somehow related to ATS, but turns out it was a delayed reaction to the red wine I spilled on it a few weeks earlier!

Edit, just read your other posts, you could try an accupuncturist, I've heard great things from this area.

You have to sit down and empty your mind of every thought for as long as you can.It helps.
I'll pray too as well. These crisis crashes do pass,but they sure do kick ass when you are feeling them.

Originally posted by MrUncreated
... I started taking my carbamazepine, which is supposed to help with my psychosis. Instead, I am now more depressed than I ever have been, and I have very long and vivid dreams which make me remember stuff that I have long since buried deep within my brain. This has led me to feeling ... ...I am in hell.

Ouch. I've always been a "dreamer" and via a few relationship learned a bit of the "other-side" from people "waking up" to dreaming. My spiritual awakening was initiated via a dream too... so here's the POV/scoop I can offer in an attempt to help.

Just like some itches are worth scratching to remove a bug others are aready raw and no-fleas... scratching the open wound only makes it worse. So 2 basic concepts.

1. Steer your dreams away from negative past experiences - let the wounds heal
2. Quit believing everything your Dr tells you to do or take - the profit motive is to get your money and drugs require you to return even after you realize he's only interested in your money. QUIT the drugs, they're as bad or worse than the stuff your parents would get upset about.
3. Minimize your dream time - since in your case it sounds like its more than you want/desire. That's especially the times when you're 1/2 asleep. If you're lingering then get up and do something. Especially READ A BOOK. Books and reading somehow seem like counting sheep are for children - if you're only a little bit sleepy and start reading you'll tend to fall asleep.
4. Keep your faith - Satan knows the bible as well as anyone... and we're soon approaching the time when faith won't mean anything any more. God knows what you've been challenged to deal with and if you can perserveere you'll be a great hero to many,... eternally.

May god bless you, your dreams, your struggles, and especially your state of mind.

Quit being so dramatic

Yo, the modern-day medicine for original thoughts and perceptions is a pill or many pills. Granted back in the day, a lot of people would have been kicked down a #ing hill at birth or granted God-Hood if the kid was somewhat different. But, speaking from experience with the diagnosis of depression and suicidality, i was placed on a hefty #ing dose of good old fashioned American Pharmaceuticals 3 years ago. I never had thoughts of really cutting my wrists for the pleasure of death until taking the #ing anti-depressants. After 3 years of taking all of them and hating every #ing of them and being in the mindframe of " why the # am I here? I didn't ask to be here? # you ALL" I told everyone to # off.

Family and the Doctor and all.
I stopped about 4 months ago and now, am fully functional and capable of doing things that involve getting out of bed and working/supporting self. I did take up smoking herb a # ton and Marijuana keeps me on my toes and live a far more happier Life than i could on Pharmaceuticals. Having a Benzo prescritpion as well if living is really #ed. But here it is in a nutshell: Life will suck. Choose Wisely the Medicines You take to cure that Suck. And Most Importantly, Take Mushrooms at least once a Year. Shows you who you are.

reply to post by MrUncreated


Found a link for a sensible herniated disc exercise program:

www.spine-health.com...
www.spine-health.com...

I seriously think that bike riding is a total no no and lifting anything heavier than a bag of flour is out too. Gentle walking is good and Swimmimg exercises are a much better option if you have access to a pool.

I would seriously look into finding yourself another Doctor... sounds like he was p***d that you didn't agree to surgery !

Did the physio place give you exercises to do at home, did they show you how to do ham string and the top of the legs stretchs (lay flat on your back on your bed, gently bring knees up and then lift one leg straight to a 90degree angle till you feel the stretch at the top of the leg, hold for 20 seconds, repeat for other leg, repeat 3 times) , these need to be done at least once per day otherwise we seize up. If you experience any bad pain..stop. Try to get back to the physio

Nutrition : Do you take a multi-vitamin, lack of B12 can cause depression as well as nerve damage (eggs & cheese or brewers yeast are a good source). Lack of B3 can cause delusions...best non meat source is mushrooms. Lack of C all sorts of problems. (our bodies do not store these, so daily supplements are a very good idea).
l (try to find supplements that don't have soy in the ingredient list)..I would look at cutting down soy/tofu intake, it's not really that good for us, fermented soy is ok (Asian's eat about 9 grams a day)..such as miso, natto, and tempeh.
Flax seed oil is also a good oil to take, we need the fats to make our bodies own anti-inflamitary substances.
www.utne.com...

I would be very careful about take St. John's wort as someone else mentioned if your actual diagnosis was bipolar then taking any anti-depressant without a mood stabilizer can cause rapid cycling or mixed episodes (to be avoided at all costs !). Not sure if you know but the Carbamazipine is actually an anti-seizure med, also used to control mania and nerve pain..it's not an anti-depressant.
Does your vacationing Doctor have someone else covering for them that you can see to see about getting you some relief sooner ?