Started taking medication... now I feel even more suicidal than before...

Oh, what a wonderful week. Firstly, I was in the kitchen making tofu hamburgers, and then suddenly, and for no reason whatsoever, I felt like someone shoved a katana through my kidney. A muscle spasm, maybe, that had me unable to stand, sit, or lay down without experiencing the most intense pain I've felt in many years. This lasted for several days, and I'm still not 100% recovered. It had me screaming in agony, that's how bad it was.

Then about 3 or 4 days later, and for no particular reason, my hard drive melted. I woke up, turned on my computer, and so many files were corrupted that Windows freaked out and re-booted several times to run chkdsk on its own. There was absolutely no reason for this to happen, either. I built this computer myself not even 2 years ago, all brand new parts. Never had a single problem with it, ever.

It's almost as if some unseen force is having a jolly good time ****ing with me. If so, I have two middle fingers for you, whoever or whatever you are.

Now onto another serious matter, or not so serious if you don't care (I am not so sure that I care about it anymore)... I started taking my carbamazepine, which is supposed to help with my psychosis. Instead, I am now more depressed than I ever have been, and I have very long and vivid dreams which make me remember stuff that I have long since buried deep within my brain. This has led me to feeling quite suicidal, as of late... almost to the breaking point. Seriously, one more thing, and I would probably just put a stop to myself. And it seems that fate keeps spitting in my face and causing everything to go wrong. I am literally falling apart, piece by piece. And I finally realized something... I don't belong here. I should have been dead at birth. Hell, I was born with cancer. Obviously something wanted me dead from the very beginning. So... wtf? I don't even know anymore. I've tried praying. God doesn't live here. He doesn't care about me at all. Maybe one of you spiritual guru types can help? Maybe... I'm in no condition, mentally or physically, to do anything anymore. Seriously...wtf... I think I am in hell.

reply to post by MrUncreated

Firstly, I was in the kitchen making tofu hamburgers

Good God, no wonder you were suicidal!

OK, couldn't resist, I'll go back and finish reading now.

reply to post by MrUncreated


Hi, I'm here... hang in there ok... I've been to the edge of the abyss and made it back .... how long have you been on the Carbamazepine ?

Have you contacted your doctor about the kidney pain ??

Very sorry to hear your feeling that way.

My suggestion is you tell this to your doc and they can help with your medication!

People here are not qualified to answer your questions about this here.

Dude, I'm going to be real with you and not bs.

Some people get the poo end of the stick.

You were born with cancer? Wow, I haven't heard of that before. I wonder how often it was.

As for the hard drive bugging out. Nothing weird about it. It doesn't matter if you had all new components, and did everything right. About 3-5% of drives will fail within a year just because of the physical limitations of the components and the insane process that must be done to produce them.

Tons of data, on a small drive, spinning and creating a lot of heat...if there's a minute imperfection in the way it was manufactured...it won't last long.

I wont give you any mystical answers but a very simple suggestion.

I've always been a depressed and very nervous person. Recently I came across a book called "Your Bodies many cries for water"

I started upping my water intake to maybe over a gallon a day. Like magic my depression is gone. My anxiety is gone... I've been biting my nails since I was in third grade all the way down.. for the first time in my life I have nails (with dirt under them too).

Read the reviews of this book on Amazon.. lots of people have totally gotten off their medication for anxiety and depression (among other things) just by doing something as simple as upping their water intake.

I'm amazed that something so simple has changed me..

Anyways just a suggestion. Don't kill yourself without trying it though.

Cut your intake of alcohol and coffee if you attempt this.

reply to post by MrUncreated


I was diagnosed with PTSD. Anxiety, depression, paranoia. My doc put me on Wellbutrin XL. I swear I've never felt so weird in my life. I was so much more depressed when I was on the meds. Mood swings like crazy. Going from a panic attack to fine back to panic attack. It was horrible. Same as you I was way more suicidal after taking the meds than before. Tried it for 6 months and it just got worse and worse. Finally stopped taking them and I feel back to normal levels of psychosis. Psychotropic meds are no joke. Most times the side effects on the bottle are worse than the actual condition they treat.

All I can offer is that it's not weird for you to be feeling worse than before after taking meds. If it isn't working for you you have to try something else. Your Dr doesn't really know how you feel inside. That's up to you to figure out.

Just be careful with any meds they give you. Stay connected to yourself and if you fell like you're slipping away talk to your doc about it.

All the best...

Originally posted by getreadyalready
reply to post by MrUncreated

 

Firstly, I was in the kitchen making tofu hamburgers

Good God, no wonder you were suicidal!

OK, couldn't resist, I'll go back and finish reading now.

The trick with medication is to get the right one at the right dose. If this one makes you feel worse, it is not the right med for you. Call your doctor right away and explain to him how it's making you feel. Once you find what works best, you'll feel better. HUGS!

reply to post by MrUncreated


I don't know if it will help or not, but awesome username, awesome avatar, and very descriptive prose. You have a lot going for you already. In the one paragraph you give fate the 2 middle fingers, but later you say you don't feel like you were supposed to be here at all. Well, to that, I say keep giving em the finger, and keep on keeping on!

Whatever you are experiencing is for you alone to experience, and it is for your spirit. Christians say God doesn't give anyone more than they can handle, but that is just stupid, of course he does! That is why some people don't make it. They give up hope. God gives you as much as you need to develop your spirit in the ways it needs developed, but there is no guarantee you can endure the struggle or reach the evolution you need. Still, don't give up. Never give up! If you are hurting, then you are still alive, still in the hunt, still experiencing whatever this existence has to offer. No matter how bad it gets, if you are still feeling it, then you are still evolving, and you are still here, and you need to just embrace it. It's not easy, it might never be. Expect the worst, and anything less will be a relief!

By the way, the original pain sounds like a kidney stone. You probably need a real hamburger!

*I AM NOT A DOCTOR, AND THIS IS NOT PROFESSIONAL ADVICE**
Sometimes the depression can get worse before it gets better. Give it a few weeks for your body to get used too it. If you still feel suicidal in 3 or 4 weeks talk to your DR. about switching meds. Depression is a real problem, and as much as I hate meds, they do seem to help.

reply to post by MrUncreated

It's almost as if some unseen force is having a jolly good time ****ing with me. If so, I have two middle fingers for you, whoever or whatever you are.

you are right on. never surrender to these non-human liers and murder. fight till your last breath, they are evil and there is no way to forgive them. (no joke, i am serious)

The best I can offer you is hope.

Bad things happen in life. To all of us. Just remember that there is always a bright light casting a shadow and shadows do move. Just don't dwell on the bad. Try to find ways to perk yourself up. Laugh. do anything you can to stop that negative - and remember; the bad DOES pass. If you were to off yourself, what golden amazing thing was coming up in an hour or a day from then?

Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary issues and ALL issues are temporary. Look at it like this: all things happen for reasons, right? And at some point you'll find the reason. Sometimes bad things happen to make you find room for better things coming or to look at things differently.

Positivity is gold. Do what it takes to create it and think of it. No matter how little it is, it WILL add up.

reply to post by MrUncreated


Seriously...wtf... I think I am in hell.


No, you're not...


Hell would be getting sodomized by every inmate in Cell block 4, despite you being innocent of that trumped up child molestation charge...


Hell would be suffering from Stage 4 Pancreatic cancer...for the last year and a half, with no insurance.


Hell would be being the hottest looking woman in a Bosnian rape camp.


So, being able to complain from your home on the internet via the computer you had the resources to put together, isn't really hell.


You're going through bad times...that's it. Hope it gets better...

reply to post by MrUncreated


Obviously there is a reason you are still here dealing with all this life otherwise you would jot have made it this far. And you are right--you are in hell. I have been there too. The bottom of our mind serves to teach us a lot. I'm sorry it is so incredibly painful
I wish I could tell you I got myself out of that hole alone. I resisted a long time but eventually my leg-up was anti-depressents. If you are having these kinds of sideaffects though you seriously need to get to a dr asap. I am on my tablet right now so typing is a pain but I will check this thread again on my computer if you would like to talk to me more.

Everything you are feeling is in your head, even those pains you felt. It is time you start doing some meditation, not the type of new age meditation that the media like to portray, real natural meditation.

reply to post by facelift


Emotional pain can be far worse than the physical torture you are describing ...

but can be overcome, we just have to hang in there

(while we work with the Doctor's to get the right mix of meds.)

time to see the doc and tell them that it aint working, they can then do more referals to a psychologist and also perhaps some different meds as quite often docs are told to do x before y as best practice so you may just need to move one step onwards

reply to post by MrUncreated


Hi, I would like to inform you that now is the time for unfolment! What ever in your life has caused you fear or any other lower dimensional experience is being brought to your attention for you to over come it and unbury old emotions/situations that are built up, so new love/light can be your new foundation instead of what you have now! Hope this makes sense ! Lol

Please go back to your Doctor.

Depression is not a game. There are much better meds.

None of us can get you on the proper amount of meds.

Only you can do that. There is some great advice on here.

Mine would be......Get a real burger on your way to the Doctor.

I send my love and my prayers your way....Now, pick up that phone.