Oh, what a wonderful week. Firstly, I was in the kitchen making tofu hamburgers, and then suddenly, and for no reason whatsoever, I felt like someone shoved a katana through my kidney. A muscle spasm, maybe, that had me unable to stand, sit, or lay down without experiencing the most intense pain I've felt in many years. This lasted for several days, and I'm still not 100% recovered. It had me screaming in agony, that's how bad it was.

Then about 3 or 4 days later, and for no particular reason, my hard drive melted. I woke up, turned on my computer, and so many files were corrupted that Windows freaked out and re-booted several times to run chkdsk on its own. There was absolutely no reason for this to happen, either. I built this computer myself not even 2 years ago, all brand new parts. Never had a single problem with it, ever.

It's almost as if some unseen force is having a jolly good time ****ing with me. If so, I have two middle fingers for you, whoever or whatever you are.

Now onto another serious matter, or not so serious if you don't care (I am not so sure that I care about it anymore)... I started taking my carbamazepine, which is supposed to help with my psychosis. Instead, I am now more depressed than I ever have been, and I have very long and vivid dreams which make me remember stuff that I have long since buried deep within my brain. This has led me to feeling quite suicidal, as of late... almost to the breaking point. Seriously, one more thing, and I would probably just put a stop to myself. And it seems that fate keeps spitting in my face and causing everything to go wrong. I am literally falling apart, piece by piece. And I finally realized something... I don't belong here. I should have been dead at birth. Hell, I was born with cancer. Obviously something wanted me dead from the very beginning. So... wtf? I don't even know anymore. I've tried praying. God doesn't live here. He doesn't care about me at all. Maybe one of you spiritual guru types can help? Maybe... I'm in no condition, mentally or physically, to do anything anymore. Seriously...wtf... I think I am in hell.

Very sorry to hear your feeling that way.

My suggestion is you tell this to your doc and they can help with your medication!

People here are not qualified to answer your questions about this here.

Dude, I'm going to be real with you and not bs.

Some people get the poo end of the stick.

You were born with cancer? Wow, I haven't heard of that before. I wonder how often it was.

As for the hard drive bugging out. Nothing weird about it. It doesn't matter if you had all new components, and did everything right. About 3-5% of drives will fail within a year just because of the physical limitations of the components and the insane process that must be done to produce them.

Tons of data, on a small drive, spinning and creating a lot of heat...if there's a minute imperfection in the way it was manufactured...it won't last long.

I wont give you any mystical answers but a very simple suggestion.

I've always been a depressed and very nervous person. Recently I came across a book called "Your Bodies many cries for water"

I started upping my water intake to maybe over a gallon a day. Like magic my depression is gone. My anxiety is gone... I've been biting my nails since I was in third grade all the way down.. for the first time in my life I have nails (with dirt under them too).

Read the reviews of this book on Amazon.. lots of people have totally gotten off their medication for anxiety and depression (among other things) just by doing something as simple as upping their water intake.

I'm amazed that something so simple has changed me..

Anyways just a suggestion. Don't kill yourself without trying it though.

Cut your intake of alcohol and coffee if you attempt this.

The trick with medication is to get the right one at the right dose. If this one makes you feel worse, it is not the right med for you. Call your doctor right away and explain to him how it's making you feel. Once you find what works best, you'll feel better. HUGS!

*I AM NOT A DOCTOR, AND THIS IS NOT PROFESSIONAL ADVICE**
Sometimes the depression can get worse before it gets better. Give it a few weeks for your body to get used too it. If you still feel suicidal in 3 or 4 weeks talk to your DR. about switching meds. Depression is a real problem, and as much as I hate meds, they do seem to help.

The best I can offer you is hope.

Bad things happen in life. To all of us. Just remember that there is always a bright light casting a shadow and shadows do move. Just don't dwell on the bad. Try to find ways to perk yourself up. Laugh. do anything you can to stop that negative - and remember; the bad DOES pass. If you were to off yourself, what golden amazing thing was coming up in an hour or a day from then?

Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary issues and ALL issues are temporary. Look at it like this: all things happen for reasons, right? And at some point you'll find the reason. Sometimes bad things happen to make you find room for better things coming or to look at things differently.

Positivity is gold. Do what it takes to create it and think of it. No matter how little it is, it WILL add up.

Everything you are feeling is in your head, even those pains you felt. It is time you start doing some meditation, not the type of new age meditation that the media like to portray, real natural meditation.

time to see the doc and tell them that it aint working, they can then do more referals to a psychologist and also perhaps some different meds as quite often docs are told to do x before y as best practice so you may just need to move one step onwards

Please go back to your Doctor.

Depression is not a game. There are much better meds.

None of us can get you on the proper amount of meds.

Only you can do that. There is some great advice on here.

Mine would be......Get a real burger on your way to the Doctor.

I send my love and my prayers your way....Now, pick up that phone.