posted on Apr, 20 2012 @ 03:02 PM
Oh, what a wonderful week. Firstly, I was in the kitchen making tofu hamburgers, and then suddenly, and for no reason whatsoever, I felt like someone
shoved a katana through my kidney. A muscle spasm, maybe, that had me unable to stand, sit, or lay down without experiencing the most intense pain
I've felt in many years. This lasted for several days, and I'm still not 100% recovered. It had me screaming in agony, that's how bad it was.
Then about 3 or 4 days later, and for no particular reason, my hard drive melted. I woke up, turned on my computer, and so many files were corrupted
that Windows freaked out and re-booted several times to run chkdsk on its own. There was absolutely no reason for this to happen, either. I built this
computer myself not even 2 years ago, all brand new parts. Never had a single problem with it, ever.
It's almost as if some unseen force is having a jolly good time ****ing with me. If so, I have two middle fingers for you, whoever or whatever you
Now onto another serious matter, or not so serious if you don't care (I am not so sure that I care about it anymore)... I started taking my
carbamazepine, which is supposed to help with my psychosis. Instead, I am now more depressed than I ever have been, and I have very long and vivid
dreams which make me remember stuff that I have long since buried deep within my brain. This has led me to feeling quite suicidal, as of late...
almost to the breaking point. Seriously, one more thing, and I would probably just put a stop to myself. And it seems that fate keeps spitting in my
face and causing everything to go wrong. I am literally falling apart, piece by piece. And I finally realized something... I don't belong here. I
should have been dead at birth. Hell, I was born with cancer. Obviously something wanted me dead from the very beginning. So... wtf? I don't even
know anymore. I've tried praying. God doesn't live here. He doesn't care about me at all. Maybe one of you spiritual guru types can help? Maybe...
I'm in no condition, mentally or physically, to do anything anymore. Seriously...wtf... I think I am in hell.