Best Rant Ever!!!

Found this on a friends post and wow if i knew the person that wrote it they would get high fived from me

ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER-----HILARIOUS!

This, apparently is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.

Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be abso-#ing-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bull#! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my #ing address!!!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for # sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a # whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last #ing people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another #ing copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the #in' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic #in' morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since records began ..........
I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN #ING PAKISTAN!

Sincerely,

already been posted

www.abovetopsecret.com...

gah oh well lol

I knew I've seen this posted earlier : here

Awesome rant though.

reply to post by ronishia


Man, I wish I could slap people over the internet, especially those that always immediately reply with "Already posted here" type stuff.

Even if it was posted, chances are I never would have seen it until this person posted it just a few moments ago, and I can honestly say, it made my morning.

So even if it was posted, thank you for that, it brought a big smile to my face.

reply to post by ronishia

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a # whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last #ing people I'd want to tell!

They want to know if you're going to visit a farm because you can get fertilizer/manuer and diesel on farms and make I.E.D.'s out of it like Timothy McVaugh did in the Oklahoma City bombing.

Cracking, I can confirm the frustration with the disjointed Bollox we call our Government and it's various departments.

I had to drive to Liverpool from Manchester (not too far as I have a car) but it was the reason I had too that made me despair, after queing behind an exclusively African and Asian line of immigrants for at least 45 mins in the Manchester passport office I was told they had no interview slots left! AND would have no spaces for over 5 or 6 weeks! Whaaaaat?

Not enough Staff Apparently! WTF? Meanwhile a cursory glance over the shoulder of this retarded excuse for a human being I counted at least 10 people doing Sweet Fanny Adams. No Staff Yeah Right..........

My Oh my this guy was lucky he didn't attend the office himself he would probably have gone postal.

So after finding my way to Liverpool Parking a mile away from the office in an unrelated car park (£9.50 Thanks) ... I was then interviewed in some sort of bizarre interview where they try and catch you out lying etc.... which even when your not trying to hide anything still makes you nervous for some reason which inevitably makes things much worse.
P.S the fee for the passport £45 or so is peanuts in comparison to the charges I spotted on a piece of paper haphazardly sellotaped to the wall in the Manchester office

You see to check an immigrants details the costs ranged from around £300 - £700 for a full family etc...I think it was even higher for other services ! So with those kind of fees being charged I see why us natives get told to wait a long time or have to go to another city altogether we are small beer now it seems LOL.
There was more to this whole scenario but I've dribbled on long enough.

This is absolutely my most favourite complaint letter ever.
Mainly due to the fact I also had the unfortunate pleasure of being another disgruntled NTL customer.

Dear Cretins:

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties -- or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity with which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such as a drill-bit and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it - and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35% - the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through Friday and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection.

I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore and also another one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me therefore if I continue.

I thought British Telecom was crap; that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum, incompetents of the highest order. BT - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.

May you rot in Hell,

Robert Stokes

Originally posted by Suspiria
This is absolutely my most favourite complaint letter ever.
Mainly due to the fact I also had the unfortunate pleasure of being another disgruntled NTL customer.

Dear Cretins:

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties -- or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity with which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such as a drill-bit and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it - and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35% - the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through Friday and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection.

I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore and also another one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me therefore if I continue.

I thought British Telecom was crap; that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum, incompetents of the highest order. BT - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.

May you rot in Hell,

Robert Stokes

This letter is amazing.

I don't have a copy anymore, but back awhile ago somebody sent me an american version of that letter.
Seems that buearocracies are the same every where.

reply to post by Suspiria


iv saw this one before it always makes me laugh

I can't stop laughing at this one.

Dear Customer Relations.

Earlier this week I had a wisdom tooth removed and very unpleasant it was too. I spent the rest of the day at home feeling terribly sorry for myself and leaving trails of dribble everywhere from my the lop-sided and comprehensively anaesthetised face. That evening, my wife considerately prepared a spaghetti bolognese so that I would not have to indulge in excessive chewing. Unfortunately, the humungous crater in my lower jaw, where my wisdom tooth had lived very happily for the last forty years, turned out to be the perfect place to start my own private minced meat bits collection. Now everyone who has ever had a wisdom tooth removed will tell you that you are simply not allowed to rinse out your mouth until the next day so as not to dislodge the little blood clot that will eventually allow your gums to heal. My little crater full of minced meat had to go to bed with me. It wasn't very nice.

So at lunchtime the next day, my freshly rinsed mouth and I wandered into the nice little Tesco Express store near my workplace determined to find myself something for lunch that didn't involve a lot of chewing and most especially, didn't have any 'bits' in. It proved to be a lot harder than it sounds. Sandwiches were out of the question and so was my usual packet of salted peanuts. The moussaka, the lasagne and the chilli con carne were all made almost entirely of bits. There were lots and lots of pasta salads - made with pasta layered attractively with mayonnaise - and bits. Even the soups had bits in - Chicken with bits, mushroom with bits and country vegetable with all manner of bits.

Finally, I spotted the perfect dish. Tesco Italian Macaroni Cheese. "Italian macaroni pasta in a deeply cheesy, thick and creamy sauce, scattered with gratings of tangy mature Cheddar". Nothing but easy-to-swallow-without-even-chewing pieces of macaroni in a completely bit-free sauce. Whoopee!

I danced across the store to the self-service check-out, paid my two pounds and skipped joyfully back to the office to pop it in the microwave. Once I had removed the cardboard sleeve however, I could see immediately that there was a problem. Well' actually, there were two problems.

The second problem was the "gratings of tangy mature cheddar scattered" on top of the dish. "Scattered" was a well chosen word. Had I had the patience to lay all the little bits of cheese side by side with the aid of tweezers and a magnifying glass, they would have failed to cover my thumbnail. Quite how I was supposed to get that golden brown toasted cheesy topping in the photograph on the sleeve I'll never know (ignoring for a moment that I was using a microwave). Cheese apparently made up 19% of the dish. I can only assume that the other 18.9% was in the sauce.

The first problem - the really big problem - was that this Macaroni Cheese didn't in fact contain any macaroni.

Now perhaps I am being unreasonable but I'm pretty sure that usually, Spaghetti Bolognese has some spaghetti in it. Mushroom Risotto usually contains some pieces of mushroom. Potato Lyonnaise more often than not contains some potato. Onion Bhajee isn't made out of turnips. There are exceptions of course - Shepherds Pie and Toad in the Hole spring to mind - but for the most part, the name of these prepared foods is generally a very good guide as to the principal ingredient.

So why in God's name is your Tesco Italian Macaroni Cheese actually Tesco Italian Penne in Cheese sauce? Do you not realise - there is a reason that Italians make Macaroni Cheese with macaroni and not with penne pasta? It is the sauce, you blithering idiots. The little hole in a piece of macaroni retains the sauce whereas the great big hole through the middle of a piece of penne pasta pours the cheese sauce straight down the front of whatever you happen to be wearing in much the same way that a gargoyle ejects water from a cathedral roof.

Have you ever tried to eat this stuff? By the time you have finished, you look like a three year old child after its first ice cream cornet!

So for the sake of accuracy, and to eliminate the blatant breach of the Trade Descriptions Act 1968 for which you could be prosecuted, can I suggest that you rename this product correctly. 'Tesco Italian Squirts Hot Cheese Sauce Down Your Front Penne Pasta with Bugger All Grated Cheese On Top' would seem to be about right.


Yours Faithfully,

Anthony.



Dear Dean

Thank you for your letter dated 27th July and the Tesco Moneycard to the value of £10.00 which I shall give to a local charity. I shall recommend that they use it to buy several boxes of your Tesco Italian Macaroni Cheese so they can hold a sponsored cheese sauce squirting competition. I think it would prove very popular and raise lots of money. With the practice I have already had, I also stand a good chance of winning!

I was delighted to hear that you have contacted your supplier and have asked them to look into my complaint. I hope you will keep me informed of developments.

In the meantime, I was also intrigued to learn that you invite consumer panels to review product samples in your kitchens. That sounds like an opportunity too good to miss. Would I have to travel to Dundee or do you have kitchens elsewhere in the UK where such events take place? A customer panel event in the North of England would be ideal. Perhaps you could let me know when the next one is taking place.

Yours sincerely,

Anthony

PS. My gums are healing nicely and I am once again able to eat food with bits in.

Originally posted by Suspiria
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL and its worthless employees.

My favorite part, pure gold.


I remember reading this letter a while ago. So funny. Thanks for re-posting it.

Originally posted by Necrobile
reply to post by ronishia

 

Man, I wish I could slap people over the internet, especially those that always immediately reply with "Already posted here" type stuff.

Even if it was posted, chances are I never would have seen it until this person posted it just a few moments ago, and I can honestly say, it made my morning.

So even if it was posted, thank you for that, it brought a big smile to my face.

listen here brave man over the internet. first of all i didnt immediately reply, it was 14 minutes later. hardly a swift response.
secondly, if you check my post history you will see i have never made a post like that before. so i dont always reply with that post.
thirdly, i linked to the other thread to let the op and everyone else know theres another thread about this topic. they may well want to go check that out too.
and as for wanting to give me a slap...
sure how you gonna do that with a broken arm???

reply to post by Necrobile


They do that because its not fair that the op is taking credit for this "rant" that about two days ago was posted on ats

reply to post by lonewolf19792000


Thats not true at all! lol. It's to prevent the spread of diseases which animals carry. Why would you need to go to a farm to get it when it's sold all over the place?!?!

This is funny. It should be in jokes forum. See second last line. I don't think this even qualifies as a gripe as it is more a joke.

Originally posted by gecrazy
reply to post by Necrobile

 

They do that because its not fair that the op is taking credit for this "rant" that about two days ago was posted on ats

Lol, i know dude i was just tossing crap out there because everyone is so scared of terrorism.