My best poetic work...

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posted on Apr, 18 2012 @ 12:13 PM
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It is published so it is copyrighted so no one get any ideas. I love suing people.

Drained of life
Cannot go on
Soul is hurting
Almost gone
Breathing slowly
Pulse is dying
Life cut short
Tired of trying
Breathing stopped
Pulse is dead
Eyes are bulging
Carpets Red
Knife is lying
On the floor
Mom is knocking
On the door
Flings it open
Screams and shouts
All I hear
Are sobs and pouts
Death is hear
All I see
Are people Crying
Over me
Life was bad
Death was good
Im undergrgound
Encased in wood
From what you've read
You'd probably guess
Suicide
Like all the rest
But it was murder...


I wrote that in 3 minutes sitting on my front porch while I was smoking my first newport in 2 years at the time

I am no longer that person, I have money. Money might not give you complete happiness but it gives you enough not to want to kill yourself.
I am beyond happy though So no one need to worry. I just never put it out there like that.




posted on Apr, 18 2012 @ 12:53 PM
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That's really good. I wish I could write like that. Nice!



posted on Apr, 18 2012 @ 05:22 PM
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reply to post by wwe9112
 


My tired ass forgot 4 lines the green section will be the one I forgot.

Death is hear
All I see
Are people crying
Over me
One by one
They come and go
Half these people
I do not know

edit on 18-4-2012 by ringlejames because: (no reason given)



posted on Apr, 18 2012 @ 10:39 PM
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That was awesome...



posted on Apr, 19 2012 @ 02:43 AM
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Just curious..who published this? I am a very modernist poet and don't care for rhyming much, but that's just the way I learned poetry. Too much space is wasted in rhyming and your word choice has to fit the rhyme instead of using a word that might speak more to you as the writer.

Poetry should be descriptive. Show it, don't tell it. Appeal to the physical senses and that will usually trigger the emotional response you're trying for.

Sorry for all the criticisms; it is meant to be constructive, not derisive. From a poet to another poet, keep writing! Your best work comes each time you pick up a pen. And don't be afraid to go back to old poems and add to them. Poems are never finished, just abandoned.

At least you have the guts to post your poems on ATS. Nice job for that! That's something I won't be doing anytime soon haha

Edit: By the way...where's the title? Every poem needs a title. It says what you the writer could not say in the poem.
edit on 19-4-2012 by NarcolepticBuddha because: more to say



posted on Apr, 19 2012 @ 03:05 AM
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reply to post by NarcolepticBuddha
 


Well I published It. And I did not write it to criticize either. I think it was damned good. You said you wish you could write like that. Well then why do you criticize someones work who is better than yours just be happy reading it or sad which ever one.



posted on Apr, 19 2012 @ 03:08 AM
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reply to post by NarcolepticBuddha
 


Institutionalized in the Free world is the Title.

And it is finished. It needs nothing else. I said what I wanted to say.



posted on Apr, 19 2012 @ 03:21 AM
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reply to post by ringlejames
 


It was not meant as an insult in any way and I'm sorry if my post came off that way. Thanks for posting your work. keep em coming!

edit on 19-4-2012 by NarcolepticBuddha because: (no reason given)
edit on 19-4-2012 by NarcolepticBuddha because: (no reason given)



posted on Apr, 19 2012 @ 04:41 AM
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I guess if I've nothing nice to say, I'll say nothing




edit on 19/4/12 by blupblup because: There's no point really



posted on Apr, 19 2012 @ 03:38 PM
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Originally posted by ringlejames
It is published so it is copyrighted so no one get any ideas. I love suing people.

Drained of life
Cannot go on
Soul is hurting
Almost gone
Breathing slowly
Pulse is dying
Life cut short
Tired of trying
Breathing stopped
Pulse is dead
Eyes are bulging
Carpets Red
Knife is lying
On the floor
Mom is knocking
On the door
Flings it open
Screams and shouts
All I hear
Are sobs and pouts
Death is hear
All I see
Are people Crying
Over me
Life was bad
Death was good
Im undergrgound
Encased in wood
From what you've read
You'd probably guess
Suicide
Like all the rest
But it was murder...


I wrote that in 3 minutes sitting on my front porch while I was smoking my first newport in 2 years at the time

I am no longer that person, I have money. Money might not give you complete happiness but it gives you enough not to want to kill yourself.
I am beyond happy though So no one need to worry. I just never put it out there like that.


I see you discovered that killing people can pay - but watch out for the military, they are the walmart of mercenaries;.






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