My story

p.s sorry for bad grammar. just deal with it

I post this because I have wanted to get it off my chest I guess for a while now.. I can't really say anything to friend or anyone else about it because I guess I feel like I don't get feedback.. Or understanding, or maybe even a simple try to understand. So I am posting it on here whether anyone reads it or not.. But just for the simple fact of explaining. Now some of my story actually has questions for anyone who wants to answer.

Well to start it off lets go back to the 5th grade area. At this time I got my very own computer (I was pretty spoiled, we will get to more of that later). I was very excited for this computer, it was a hot wheels computer ^^. Well when I was in 5th grade the twin towers fell.. I can remember to this day going to the library during school and watching the television and wondering how they actually fell.. Something told me what was going on wasn't right so I did my own research.. And around the 6th grade I was up to par with the whole 9/11 conspiracy.

Since I had my own computer it was also in my room. Most of my younger years I grew up a misfit.. I never knew why people never liked me.. I dressed the best in the school, had the nicest shoes, was a very calm kid (a bit add but w/e). So I kinda grew up alone, except for my friends on video games (Tibia if anyone even knows about it ^^). The only friends I had was either on this game or I swam with them. I had been a competition swimmer since 3rd grade. Well this whole no friends but video games stage went on until about the 11th grade. I changed high-schools, and I actually made a lot of friends.. Close friends that is who are still with me today.. Now ever since the 6th grade I have wanted to be a computer engineer.. Let me throw that out there very early on..

After that year of schooling and making friends I became a much different person. This school was much larger than the one I had been attending. So my social skills and my confidence level had grew considering I was always picked on because how small I am and how I was very complacent and just dealt with it. The reason I changed schools was because at my other school I pretty much made the swim team.. Meaning I was the only one on it and the very first.. The creator to be exact.. When I changed schools I was the MVP on a team of about 30 people.


After my sophomore year I changed back over to my original high-school to graduate with the kids who I didn't care about but grew up with. I was INSTANTLY popular. To the girls I was highly attractive and to the other "cool kids" I was obviously the one to hang with because the girls wanted me. But truthfully I didn't care about them, I never gave these guys or women the time of day because these were the same people making fun of me two years ago.

I actually had scholarships for full rides to two colleges for swimming but didn't take them due to being burnt out (major mistake number one)

So around the time of graduation on until after 1 1/2 years of college I was dating this girl who actually broke my heart. In this time though I made a friend that I would kill anyone for. I was going to college to become a computer engineer just like I had always wanted to be, but I was lazy. I had always had everything handed to me by my mom (we weren't rich, just my mom liked buying everything). I partied too much and was flunking out of school (major mistake number two). To be quite honest I had no respect for anything. I was the type person in high-school that wouldn't do anything.. But when things got serious and my teachers sat down with me and told me I needed a 95 on the exam to pass the class I would make a 102.. I knew my intelligence and was over confident.

My first year of college I went to a university and after that I went to a community college for a little while. By the time I got to community college was about the time I was destroyed by my gf. After that long of dating I found out she had cheated on me with several guys, and this being my first love.. It was my first person to destroy me.

So I started hating where I grew up because of so many memories I had built up there with her.. So I quit my schooling and moved to another state just to free myself from what state I was in. I moved into a national park and worked in a resort. (mistake/not number three) Now I would never take the move to this place back but I wish I would have continued schooling. See, on my 1/2 year of schooling in a community college that I went to was paid for by my grandfather with cash. But here is the crazy part, my grandmother conned me out of the $1600 and wrote the school a bad check. So now I owe the school $1600 out of my pocket before I can pay them $1600 to go back again. My grandmother blames it on me when I had no clue this happened. (She has a majoorrr gambling problem). Well fast forward about two years of "finding myself" I guess at this national park and learning a lot I quit my job for a job with a lot more money. I sold out. This job didn't last too long because the economy and a few other things which got me laid off. In the process I was busting my ass to save up for school because how bad I wanted to go back now..

Well I finally got the money saved up for school and lost it all.. My wisdom teeth (2 to be exact) got infected and I had to pay out of pocket, which was about 1000 with no insurance. So no more school for then ..

After I lost my job I met this girl, she seemed wonderful. I finally got over my ex with her.. I finally got over my greed with her.. I finally became free from things I let weigh in on me that I havent explained to you guys because we would be here all week.

So about a month and a half ago I got a job at a plant, when I broke the news to my gf she told me she was moving back to her home town ( an hour away) she asked me if I was going to immediately move with her. I told her I would have to see how this job was going to work out before I fully moved. She agreed it was fine and whatever. In the first week of work she told me I had to either quit my job, give up my dream of going back to school, and basically have no job and live off her grandmother or I could keep my job and my dream and lose her.

I chose the job and the dream.

The job and the dream isn't even about money, actually I want to create something free and for everyone. I'm not sure what exactly.. I just want it to be beneficial to society..

My ex told me I would never become anything and no one but her or my family gave a #t about me so why care about them. I told her my goal wasn't to become a unique snowflake or w/e she was trying to get at and fight for something.

Now here I am fighting for my life to get the schooling to become a computer engineer.. I'm busting my ASS and I should be going back to school in the fall..

I've basically put every ounce of energy and thought towards it, after the girl that first broke my heart I have been kinda dull on the relationship side.. I don't really care anymore about that.. I just don't feel it anymore..

All of my life I have wanted to fight for something, and now that's exactly what I'm doing.

Am I wrong? What could I do differently?

God do we have some parallels.

I think you are doing the right thing fighting for your dream.

And

"Yes, the past can hurt, but the way I see it, you either run from it, or learn from it"- Rafiki:

Sounds like you have lived and learned and still have plenty of living in front of you.

Double post

As you get older you will see that all of your actions, although they appear as mistakes, are actually catalysts which drove you towards certain people and experiences.

As far as the question "are you wrong?" I would say no. Following your dream is never wrong, and if your ex girlfriend gave you an ultimatum between your lifetime dream and her, that says volumes about her. Somebody who truly cared about you would encourage you to follow your dream.

I do have to ask, though....after reading your narrative, I'm inclined to feel that you may have Asperger's. It's not a big deal...I have it, my husband has it, lots of very famous people have it. Have you been diagnosed, or has anybody ever brought it up? It is your statement that you said you did all the "right" things, yet you had no friends, that is very telling. You were intelligent, you were bullied, you often had the ability to accomplish things but not the motivation. You were able to be bamboozled by your gambling addict grandma even though you are highly intelligent. Little clues in your post tell me that it is a possibility.

www.rdos.net...
This online quiz will give you an indication if you are an Aspie or not.

Anyway, I did similar things. I had to go back to college and work hard, after I blew off my initial opportunity after high school. It's not a terrible thing. In fact, I was 29 when I finally got my degree, and I appreciated it all the more because I was older and understood the value of it better.

In fact, when you finally realize the value of your dream and how badly you want it, it makes the reward all the sweeter when you finally achieve it.

Anyway, that's my take on it.

reply to post by FissionSurplus


I actually have a few friends but I'm the kind that keeps a very few close and many acquaintances.

Actually I have not but that might be because just until 2 months ago I never had insurance to go to the doctor to find out ^^.

I do lack a major drive of motivation until I was left with nothing but what I wanted out of life..

I'll do your quiz to figure out

reply to post by Germanicus


I most definitely have learned many things in my journey so far..

I feel 20 years older from the past 3 years.. From the time I was 18 until now (21) I feel like I have aged endlessly.

When I moved to the national parks I became more in touch with nature I guess. I mean imagine being able to walk up on deer, turkeys, squirrels, and tarantulas and them not become alarmed ^^. Imagine climbing up waterfalls and sitting on the rocks in the middle of them with every star glaring and not shut out by any city lights.

I was able to hike at night by just pure moonlight reflecting off the canyon..

I went from hollister, polo button ups, ect to wearing pumas and blue jeans and a white t from walmart.

My whole sense of consuming name brands died.

reply to post by FissionSurplus


Wrong test (that one is messed up and doesn't give you the score).

Correct one: rdos.net...

Just saw this quote the other day

“You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don't try to forget the mistakes, but you don't dwell on it. You don't let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space.” ― Johnny Cash

reply to post by FissionSurplus



Your Aspie score: 154 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 61 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

reply to post by tinker9917


Lol I was actually listening to the song Hurt by johnny cash today so this quote is kinda valuable for the moment.

reply to post by Pelvi


To be honest you sound like you have things figured way better than I did at 21. You will be fine no question.

reply to post by Pelvi


I knew it! It takes one to know one. Plus I was on the diagnosis side in a clinic for years, I saw and spoke to many Aspies, and we're all kind of the same in certain areas of life.

Now that you have an idea, you can read up on it. It will explain a lot.

I wasn't diagnosed until I was 47 years old. I was actually so relieved, because it explained so much, and I could stop beating myself up for things I did wrong, or feeling bad about things that people said I should have known that I didn't know.

Most Aspies take a round-about way to reach their goals, but reach them we do! And when we get there, we kick ass! Best of luck to you!

reply to post by Pelvi


Great song...

reply to post by FissionSurplus


Thanks for that link. My 15 years old son has recently been diagnosed as possible aspie, and I've suspected it for several years.