Election 2012: Things We Can Count On, page 1

Apparently, there are still a few people in the US who haven't decided already who they're going to vote for this year. Odd, because I've never met one of these mythical "undecided voters," but CNN, FOX and the rest of them swear they're out there, somewhere. So this thread is for you, if you really exist.

I'm not going to try to persuade you one way or another. No, my intention is to be far less helpful than that. This is just a short list of things you can be sure of, regardless of who wins in November. Just a few things that we can really count on, whether it's Obama or Romney (or if the Impossible Outcome Fairy pays us a visit, Ron Paul).

There's a lot of talk and name-calling going around about how one guy's a "Socialist" and the other guy's a "Corporatist;" how one of them is going to steal your guns and the other one's going to make you pray to Moroni. If you're one of the people who make claims like this, you're an idiot frankly, so stop reading and go listen to Rush Limbaugh or read up on the latest news the Huffington Post stole from somewhere else.

Anyway, here's what we can absolutely depend on coming out of Washington in the next 4 years:

* Growing income disparity. Whether it's because the rich are taxed too much or too little (or realistically, because of neither of those smokescreen reasons), the fact is the average wage will continue to flatline or drop, while the top income "earners" ("earn" is used in quotations because the guys at the top don't actually do anything except get paid for being rich) will earn multiples more than they do now. Just a fact of life, and you can't vote your way out of it.

* More war. Whether it's a hawk or a dove in the White House, you can bet we're going to get involved in yet more international "military actions," at an incredible cost to life on all sides. Obama pretends to be anti-war sometimes, but come on - we all know he's faking it. I'm not sure what Romney's position is, other than "do whatever they tell me to do."

* Less freedom of speech and assembly. Expect to apply for waivers and permits, and confine yourself to "free speech zones" miles from whatever you're protesting. Expect to be arrested, harassed, and abused for practicing something the First Amendment "quaintly" thinks is so important it was the first guaranteed right. Expect people to bad-mouth you for doing it. But don't expect courts or the police to come to your defense. They're here to enforce laws, and God knows that's a tall order, given how many thousands of laws there are.

* Less privacy online. Your search records and browsing habits, your friends and coworkers, your opinions and and pet pictures will all be subject to scrutiny by anyone with a warrant (or without one, for that matter). These are perilous times, and we can't have you all just floating around freely expressing yourselves.

* A few token (but completely toothless and empty) gestures toward your social goals. Liberals: think "healthcare reform" that actually just forces you to buy insurance from a corrupt industry that exists solely to make you sick and then refuse to help when you need it. Conservatives: think lame Congressional "resolutions" that talk about the sanctity of life but do nothing to protect it.

That's right, folks. It doesn't matter who you vote for. All the candidates are on somebody else's payroll, and a little election isn't going to change that.

If you vote because you think your candidate will fight for what you believe in, you're a fool. They fight for themselves and they fight for each other - they don't fight for you. If you vote because you're afraid of "the other guy," you're deluded. Do you think these guys hate each other behind closed doors? They're all playing for the same team, and you should know it by now. Everything you're afraid of is a fear that's been intentionally put into your head just to keep you voting for one team or another.

The fact is, "LIBERALS" and "CONSERVATIVES" are mostly just honest people trying to get along and make it through life with as little hassle from the government as possible, and who want to know there's somebody looking out for them when times get hard. Democrats and Republicans, on the other hand, are great at playing us against one another and getting us all riled up over these stupid "social issues" like gay marriage and abortion that they never intend to resolve, even if they could. If those issues were ever solved, what would there be to divide us over?

So, this year, when or if you head into the polls to cast your vote, regardless of who you're voting for and why, try to keep that in mind. You're presented with a tidy little choice between two practically identical ideologies on that ballot. They don't even have to rig the vote to steal the election. So cast your vote for the only candidate who can and will make a difference: ROBOT M. NIXON.