Ladies...Talk to me...about what just happened. I'm hurt and confused!

Good morning Ats friends.

This morning I am writing to you in hopes some of you can help me out.

I'm confused with my emotions and not sure how to feel about what just happened to me.

Here is what happened.

I guess (my memory is shot) it was the end of January beginning of February that I was asking my boyfriend "when am I supposed to start again" (menstrual cycle). The kids and him were sick off and on those months and I came down with a fever (low grade but chilling) off and on and I thought I wasn't getting sick like them because the virus was hitting me different. Ya know being the mom I will stay healthier as always so I can take care of them.

So looking back I cannot remember if my cycle came in February... I thought it did but I can't be sure. My tubes are tied so the worry of pregnancy was out of the question. I am too busy taking care of kids, working and on ATS to worry about cycles. lol

So.... I'm feverish off and on.... BUT.. I continue to work (clean houses) and go on about my life taking care of the kids. About a month ago I began to have pains in my vagina/rectum area. I started my cycle and it was short lived. I thought that was odd but didn't think much about it because after all I am a busy mama.

The pains began to get worse and I started researching on the internet my symptoms. I found the closest diagnosis I could find with my symptoms and made a Dr. appointment. Went to the gyno and got a pap then began telling her my symptoms. I told her I believe I have Pelvic inflammatory disease. My symptoms matched it to a T or so I thought. The rectum pains was the most obvious, I thought.

When I told my Gyno my symptoms I told her the following:

Shooting pains in my rectum/vagina area
Low grade fever
Lots of pressure "down there"
Hurts to walk
Lots of gas getting stuck
Contraction feeling or spasms
Cramping in stomach and lower back
Nausea
Feeling like I could faint....dizziness

After she did my pelvic exam she said my pelvic area did look inflamed but she did not suspect PID. She did send me to have an ultra sound because my symptoms she thought sounded like either or both Ovarian Cyst and or Adenomyosis. After having the ultrasound it was confirmed I did indeed have an ovarian (left) cyst and Adenomyosis. My pap came back normal and I was scheduled two weeks later to come back in and talk about having a Hysterectomy because that is the only cure for Adenomyosis.

Those two weeks were more painful than the previous weeks. My pain just kept progressing to the point where I could not walk at all. It was too painful to even stand. This past Tuesday was the day that changed my life. I called the Dr. and she said she couldn't do anything. COuldn't prescribe me anything and my ppointment was the next morning. I told her... not sure I can wait but I will try. The day went on and like I said... couldn't even stand.

I am very active and sitting around was driving me insane. Kids got homw from school and my son told me just go to the Er. I called the Dr. and told them... I can't take it anymore.

I went to the Er at 6pm. Told the Er Dr. everything that had been going on and he took blood, felt my stomach, listened to my stomach and rushed me to have an ultrasound again.

Guess what it was? I am still in shock.... but ....

I was pregnant in my left Fallopian tube.

How could this be? My tubes were tied and burnt 12 years ago. I did this so I would not get pregnant anymore. I had a boy and girl and didn't "want" anymore.

Whats just as crazy is I had been telling everyone including the Dr's. that it felt as though I was either pregnant or about to give birth. Saturday night into Sunday morning I awoke to go urinate and that's how I felt. It was so surreal. Its like I knew but was in denial. My pants were getting tighter, I was gaining weight and my flat stomach was bulging. My breasts were tender and so on.... just like I was pregnant. I was pregnant.

I'm still in shock and I guess I am reaching out to you on here.

Once they told me what was going on they also told me It was a good thing I came on in because I was bleeding internally and my body was going into shock. I could have died had I waited until the next morning to go to my Gyno....

An Ectopic Pregnancy www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov... is the leading cause of Maternal death. They rushed me to the Or and after they were done I got to see pictures of what the fetus looked like. It was the size of an orange... they estimated about 12 weeks!!!! I was 3 months pregnant and didn't even know it!!!!!!

What confuses me is the fact I knew what was going on.... and I denied it. I didn't expect this.... and I cannot believe this has happened! I am in so much shock. Ahhhhh.... why did I get my tubes tied? I have so many questions too like was the Dr. able to tell the sex yet? Could I have seen it before they disposed of it? What did it look like at 12 weeks? I saw pics on the net but what did it look like? I saw pictures of the surgery and could see the "fetus" before and after and if I'm not mistaken it was intact in one pic and not in the other. I am just so confused. So hurt.... I feel as though I did something wrong by either tying my tubes or not doing something that could have saved us both.

The symptoms for Ectopic Pregnancy are as follows...

Symptoms Abnormal vaginal bleeding Amenorrhea Breast tenderness Low back pain Mild cramping on one side of the pelvis Nausea Pain in the lower abdomen or pelvic area If the area of the abnormal pregnancy ruptures and bleeds, symptoms may get worse. They may include: Feeling faint or actually fainting Intense pressure in the rectum Pain that is felt in the shoulder area Severe, sharp, and sudden pain in the lower abdomen Internal bleeding due to a rupture may lead to low blood pressure and fainting in around 1 out of 10 women.

reply to post by MamaJ


Best wishes to you. I hope you are feeling better soon.

Not an area i have any expertise in, for offering any opinions.

Wow, what an ordeal. I'm glad you decided to go to the ER. It's not what you would really think, given your previous tubal. I'm glad you're okay and not a candidate for "I didn't know I was pregnant" (tv show).

P.S.
Glad the Republican party doesn't have it's way, or you'd still be suffering.

reply to post by MamaJ


I am so sorry. You should not blame yourself, you didn't do anything wrong. Millions of women get their tubes tied when they feel that their families are complete. You have been through a lot these past couple of weeks and you need to remember that just like with a normal pregnancy, your hormones are all out of whack. I think in a couple of weeks you will be feeling better, both mentally and physically and you will see that this was not under your control. Please don't blame yourself MamaJ.

I think you may want to speak to your doctor about why the ultrasound tech missed the ectopic though, at that stage of pregnancy, the tech should have seen it. And you are right, it could have killed you. Thank God that you are alive to take care of your family.

Much love.

Mama, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I actually looked you up the other day because I was wondering where you had been. (You hadn't logged on to talk about the big quakes.)

I had an emergency DNC done about 10 years ago and it was awful. I questioned myself for years afterwards. I didn't know I was 10 weeks pregnant. I had been taking birth control and thought nothing of it until I started having horrible cramps only to find out I was having a miscarriage. The docs rushed me into the O.R. and knocked me out. It was hard in a span of 5 hours going from your pregnant to never mind you lost the baby. And the docs were so nonchalant about the whole thing!

I got to see the ultrasound as they were doing it and I swear it was the most awesome feeling to see that little baby. Then I woke up in recovery and there was no baby. I lied to myself for a few days and thought maybe they had made a mistake and left the baby there. Then I crashed and came to realize that wasn't the case.

It is so hard to cope with the pain of miscarriage, and it is seldom spoke of. Luckily, I went on to have two beautiful girls but I will never forget the pain of that year. The questions of asking myself what if's?

As far as getting your tubes tied, don't second guess yourself, you did what you thought was best at the time. Do you really want more children? You made a choice at the time that you did not. And honestly, did you think of having more before this happened?

I hope your boyfriend can be your emotional support for the next few weeks because you will need it. And remember that you are not alone in the feelings you are having. If more women would speak up of these experiences, perhaps we wouldn't be so caught off guard when they happen.

Prayers for you Mamaj

First, I am so sorry for your loss. Don't blame yourself, there is nothing you could have done.

Unfortunately, even having your tubes cut and tied, is not 100%. It is amazing what the body can do, with or without your consent
I had mine cut, tied and the ends burned. The doctor told me at the time that even all that is not 100%.

I know it is heartbreaking, but it really is not your fault and there wasn't anything you could have done.

reply to post by MamaJ


Hi MamaJ,

I'm so glad you went in and they found the ectopic pregnancy before it was too late! I'm sorry you had to go through that. I had a miscarriage in my twenties, and it is such a shock when you find out you are pregnant and then lose the baby so close together. I found out I was pregnant because I started bleeding when I picked up a large dog and lifted it into the tub (I was dog grooming at the time). It wasn't my time, and the bleeding stopped right away but I did the pregnancy test and it was positive. I knew something must be wrong, but told myself it was ok because the bleeding stopped. I made an appointment with the OB/Gyn but it was several weeks before they could get me in. Before the appointment arrived, I miscarried. It happened the day after Thanksgiving, at a friends house where we had gathered to have leftovers and visit. I started pouring blood, went in to the bathroom and realized what was happening, came back out and said "I need to go to the hospital right now." I don't remember much else except they took an ultrasound to be sure everything was all cleared out, and I was off work and on pain pills for about a week.

I am glad they caught it and I hope you feel better soon! It's hard to think about the baby that's lost. I always wonder if mine would have been a girl (I have two boys).

Take care,
Gwynnhwyfar

reply to post by MamaJ





You got your tubes tied for the reason that was best for you and the family you already

have

Many things happen in life which have no logical explanation, and this is one of those times.

I can fully understand your subconsious 'knowing' what was wrong, after all your body had

done it all before and was therefor 'imprinted' with a 'memory'

Don't waste any time in feeling guilty an ectopic fetus cannot survive, and you could have

died, your living children need you

If you are a typical mother 'caring and nurturing' it will be normal to feel what might have been,

but rejoice in the life you have and good luck

Hi, I'm sorry that you had to endure that. I can't imagine what it must be like. Shock is the perfect word. I'm glad that you went to the hospital and I'm also thankful that you are telling your story. I had a tubal 2 years ago and I think about how I would know if this was happening to me.
I hope you take it easy, surround yourself only with people that love you, and feel better.

Thanks for the replies.

Honestly... I just am in shock.

I didn't "want" any more kids.... and I feel guilty for feeling this way now.

My son (15) told me it is not "natural" to get your tunes tied and he would now that this has happened not want his wife to do it. He told me he was depressed as he knows he lost a brother or sister. My other kids are not talking much about it as they are younger. But my son asked, "If you had to guess the sex what do you think it was" and I told him I think it was a girl. I was pretty nauseous like I was when I was pregnant with my daughter.

I do blame myself in a way.... I know the emotions will balance out eventually and I will "get over it" but I guess its just so surreal. I lost a baby.

My boyfriend of two years has not been that supportive. That hurts as well. He is a committed hockey player (mens league) and the championships just began so he has been more concerned in my opinion about hockey than me. Maybe its me though.... Im just so emotional now that I am off so much meds and reality has set in. I drove myself to the Er.... he had a hockey game to go to. He text right after I got there and asked what he should do with the other two kids (one being his and my son was with me so he had his son and my daughter) as he was still planning on playing his game. I text him back they needed to be with him and he was effin pissing me off. He came with the kids.... thank God. I asked him what he would have done or thought had he got done with his game and I was in surgery..... he said he would have been devastated. We haven't really had time to talk about it much.... we did last night though and he seems to care and want us to get through this. I just don't know though.... I hope we can.

reply to post by Doodle19815


Oh how sweet. You looked me up??? Awwwww..... that makes me feel so loved. Thank you!!!!

You had a DNC huh? I guess..... is that what they did to me? I feel beat up and look it. I am not sure what to expect now that its over.... how long do I bleed? Was it like I had an "abortion"? I just have so many questions and its as if the Dr's are not much help.

Also, again..... I was bleeding internally when I got to the Er.... it makes me mad at my Gyno and I will definitely be finding another one. How can a cyst on my ovary be mistaken like that? I wonder.... is it common to misdiagnose something as serious as this? Should I get an attorney? I am not a vindictive person at all and feel bad for even asking but I guess I want to blame someone....

reply to post by MamaJ


I had a hard time with my husband afterwards also. I was blaming him for everything and letting every little thing he did annoy me. Finally my Mom had had enough, (she came to stay while I was healing) she looked at me and said "if you need someone to just be mad at, be mad at me". She said I was running the poor man ragged. (He deserved it )

Just understand that part of the healing process is anger. If he loves you he will weather the storm, but you have to work hard to heal also. You won't be able to fully heal until you can sit down and cry on his shoulder and tell him your feelings. Help him to understand what is going on with you.

Looking back on the past few months and recalling things I said like....

Joking and saying ya know if my tubes weren't tied I could be having a baby Jesus.

Telling my boyfriend every time we were intimate it was like the feeling of conception there was so much love between us.

Last time we were intimate my boyfriend said it felt like a baby arm reached out and touched him... pinched him rather. He didn't want to have sex because of that...he said it was too weird. This was a week before I went to ER.

I looked pregnant. I was eating ice cream every night... I swear I even told him it felt like I could feel something in me move and chalked it up to "gas".

Just..... crazy....

Originally posted by Doodle19815
reply to post by MamaJ

 

I had a hard time with my husband afterwards also. I was blaming him for everything and letting every little thing he did annoy me. Finally my Mom had had enough, (she came to stay while I was healing) she looked at me and said "if you need someone to just be mad at, be mad at me". She said I was running the poor man ragged. (He deserved it

)

Just understand that part of the healing process is anger. If he loves you he will weather the storm, but you have to work hard to heal also. You won't be able to fully heal until you can sit down and cry on his shoulder and tell him your feelings. Help him to understand what is going on with you.

edit on 13-4-2012 by Doodle19815 because: (no reason given)

He hung up on me yesterday when we were arguing because I said do you realize what has happened to me? I just lost a baby. He said who lost a baby? I said.... I did. He said thats the problem and hung up on me. Later he said it was not just me... it was us who had lost a baby and he was sad too.

I understand this and I guess since I was the one who was in the pain while he was busy thinking about himself and not taking me to the ER that he didn't feel emotions as I did......but maybe he does. I don't know how to feel really.

I'm sorry you went through hell as well. (((HUGS)))

As far as healing.... what would you say (from your experience) I can expect? How long will I bleed and how long will it take for me to heal?

reply to post by MamaJ


Hi there MamaJ, I am so sorry to hear of your recent health issues. I have not been through this particular type of ordeal but have been through quite a lot of female reproductive issues in my lifetime. First let me say please do not blame yourself. There is nothing you did to bring this on nor do I think that there is anything you could have done in order to prevent it. Having said this, I know from personal experience that this is easier said than done.

Like many who have read your story, I wondered just how this could have happened? So with that I took to the internet to read up a little on this. Astonishingly, I found that there are several ways this could happen. The most interesting and almost unbelievable being this:

the tube may form a fistula (new opening), and recanalization (rejoining of the tubal lumens) can occur.

Source: Chapel Hill Tubal Reversal Center

The sourced link also goes on to say that tubal ligation failure can be as high as 3%. So while rare it appears that this can and does happen more frequently than one would think.

Anyway, there seems to be quite a bit of information on this topic out there on the net. Perhaps talking to your Dr. to see if there is a support group would be beneficial? Sometimes it helps to know you are not the only one out there this has happened to and assists with emotional healing. I know it helped me when at a very very early age I had a complete hysterectomy and the feelings of "why me? what did I do wrong?" knocked me completely off course.

At any rate, I'm sending all the good thoughts I can and hope that your emotional recovery can keep pace with your physical recovery.

reply to post by MyMindIsMyOwn


Thank you so much. It all happened so quick... I even went home the same night. I was so messed up on meds the last few days I was unable to comprehend fully what had taken place. I realized yesterday I had a baby growing in me. UGH! Poor thing. It has me messed up for sure and I do feel like I need a support group. That is why I posted on ATS because it seems as though this is the place where I feel comfy.... and was hoping women who have either went through it, something similar, or just talk tome about it.....

My Gyno told me out of his 27 years he had only had one of his patients go through this and it was early in his career and was not 12 years later after a tubal. He said it was like 1 in 10,000. But when he told me 1 in 10,000 it sounds as if those numbers mean it its actually more common. I understand Dr's are practicing... they are human and mistakes happen but right before I left to go to the Er I spoke with my cousin who is a nurse and I told her i was scared. The pain had progressed and I hate to put my life in their hands and wait for the appointment the following morning. She urged me to go to the Er and thank God I did.

My daughters 12th birthday was yesterday and my nephew who is 15 came into town and it was the first time I got to meet him as well as my mom(her grandson). Looking back I am so thankful.... my daughter and nephew could be attending my funeral had I not went to the ER. WOW!

Thanks for listening to me and letting me get this stuff "out"..... I already feel better just being able to talk about it and get feedback.

reply to post by MamaJ


Sent ya a U2U. As far as healing, expect a month before you are back to "normal". A year before the what if's stop. And if you make it with Boyfriend, when you have sex again, you are "healed" with him again. (yeah it doesn't fix everything in a relationship, but it helps).

Originally posted by Doodle19815
reply to post by MamaJ

 

Sent ya a U2U. As far as healing, expect a month before you are back to "normal". A year before the what if's stop. And if you make it with Boyfriend, when you have sex again, you are "healed" with him again. (yeah it doesn't fix everything in a relationship, but it helps).

I think they told me I could have sex in two weeks. So.... thats ten more days. That is something to smile about I guess. My love for him is so strong.... I hope we do make it through all of this and I know I am trying my best to make it happen.

Don't be hard on yourself or your boyfriend, there's nothing that could be done.
You both need time to heal from this massive shock.
Bless you both.

I am so glad you went to the hospital when you did! And even more so using ATS as one of your support systems. We are family here because of the bonds we have created through sharing our thoughts and opinions, and have an understanding of one another that you don't always create in other settings. So thank you for posting.

What you are going through will indeed heal. You will always remember it though. So no self loathing! You were not meant to have this to term and medical issues arose that threatened your life. By no fault of your own did you cause this to fail or to happen. Maybe just one of God's wake up calls.

Your boyfriend needs your understanding and support as much as you need his. He realized at least before starting his game, that what he needed to do and came to the hospital after all and didn't go on to play. That speaks volumes! Plus he was considering care for the children in his stead. Should he expose them to something so personal to you and him if they are too young to understand? But his greater senses won out, he needed you and you needed him. Cut him some slack, the guys are helpless when it comes to doing much to ease women's ills. He suffered the loss too. And will have grief about the what ifs as well.

Your body will recover but it will take caring and understanding from both of you to weather this loss. Give your body time for the hormones to even back out. Then the two of you need to set aside some time alone, without the kids to strengthen your bonds that tie you together. To grieve, but even more important to list and discuss what all you have to be grateful and thankful for in your lives. CREATE HOPE! Create common goals. Write them down or on the bathroom mirror in waterbase markers. Find BALANCE for your each personal endeavors so the other does not feel slighted. Ahh the give and take....

I have an awful history of endometriosis and was told at 16 I would be barren by 20. And in fact was. That is my fate. But I lived through the endless pain process as it wrecked my abdomen, until in my thirties and had the hysterectomy. It had been my choice early on, but insurance companies just wouldn't comply. I am now more healthy now than I ever have been. I have lived through all kinds of hell and the previous paragraph says so much. Reread it. Copy paste and print that out! In the largest type you can use. You asked for support, you also have my prayers and hugs across the universe as well. Godspeed your healing and tell your boyfriend he doesn't have to be macho and stoic, but can express his emotions as well. Draw him into you, comfort him, comfort each other, lay the negative bits at God's feet, he'll take care of the rest.