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The Hell I See

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posted on Apr, 9 2012 @ 12:05 AM
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This is a poem I just finished constructing and editing. Please tell me what you think.


A raven sat atop a dead birch tree
Staring into my eyes evoking dread
Ahead I walked beyond the beast
Followed me he must for I heard a noise
Upon turning around the road dissolved
At my feet stood he about one-foot three.

Panicked I turned to run far, far away
Yet my body was struck by paralysis
The raven had suddenly transformed
All I could see was the silhouette,
Of the ghostly bird which beset me.

“Demonic bird, possessed is thee,
What is it that you desire from me?”
In silence I waited for a response
Then appeared daunting eyes of red
A voice had spoken words to me unknown
With a horrible voice from the world below

The objects which remained outside the abyss
Began to twist and turn before my eyes
Spinning was my head, I thought.
The bird had spoken once again
To me it said, with wretched voice
“Follow the path into hell’s gate,
There you will be met by those who are late.”

The raven had turned and flew away
Into the abyss it quickly fled.
All had now become dark as night
Lacking any brightness of moonlight
With no options but to hell I must go
Forward I went, awfully slow.

It was not long along the way
A light in the form of fire lit the path
Until reaching the end where a sign laid
Written in blood, decorated with limbs
Speaking the words, “Forever condemned”.
The raven returned in full form
To welcome me to hell; or Satan’s home

Around me were frightening demons
Appearing only upon the floor and walls
For bodies they lacked, in shadows they dwell
Their appearance dependent upon fiery flame
Forever illuminating Satan’s domain
Then appeared a mysterious pain
I struck my shoulder; to no aid
Only to realize a frightening reality:
Demons were attacking my shadow
Which danced upon the rocky wall

Fleeing from the walls to refuge in the middle
I ran into an unseen blood red river
Quickly I fell into the rushing water
Looking up revealed my reflection
Looking down revealed deception
Pushing through the surface’ mirror
I escaped to discover the water obscure

Stumbling ahead I met greater dread
Down a hall to the left screams echoed distress
In the darkness lay bound a woman about twenty
With every scream deep wounds were inflicted
Even my footsteps added to her affliction
For the sounds cut like a sharp knife;
Louder the cries, slower the slice

At this point consumed I fall to my knees
Sobbing aloud with great mental unease
Truth finally struck as an unwanted disease
I am to never escape nor find any peace
My life is to continue here for eternity.



edit on 4/9/2012 by Misoir because: (no reason given)




posted on Apr, 9 2012 @ 12:11 AM
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reply to post by Misoir
 

It's well thought out and written.
why not use your talent in a more positive poem?



posted on Apr, 9 2012 @ 12:15 AM
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reply to post by GmoS719
 


I am not very good with "positive" poems. My talents lie in the area of Dark Romanticism and other more melancholic areas.



posted on Apr, 9 2012 @ 12:38 AM
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Poor Raven, it's a tough job dealing with evil narrators, but someone has to do it.



posted on Apr, 9 2012 @ 01:34 AM
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Sounds familiar



posted on Apr, 9 2012 @ 09:59 PM
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reply to post by Misoir
 


If Poe were still alive I'm sure he'd nod his head in agreement.

I know I do.

Well crafted, I can feel the pain and imagery at the same time.



posted on Apr, 10 2012 @ 07:55 PM
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reply to post by Druid42
 


Thank you very much druid. That you raised the name of Poe in regards to my poem has more than excited me. He is by far my favorite poet followed by Charles Baudelaire, T. S. Eliot, and Dante Alighieri.



posted on Apr, 10 2012 @ 08:09 PM
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That poem was epic and thought grabbing, I saw the size and was about to turn away, but once i started reading, i was drawn to its intricacy and well written versus... well done Misoir



posted on Apr, 11 2012 @ 08:49 PM
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reply to post by Misoir
 


I LOVED it!

Now, constructive criticism:

The rhythm really drew me in in certain places, but kind of lost me in a couple of others. There seemed to be a couple of abrupt transitions. The parts that were good, were really, really good and enthralling. The couple of hiccups let me come back to reality though.

First 4 lines didn't grab me, and with the length of the poem, they almost lost my commitment to read the rest. Last 2 lines in that paragraph reeled me back in though. Second paragraph also didn't draw me in. 3rd was wonderful, 5th might have been my favorite, 6th awesome, 7th was interesting but I couldn't grasp the rhythm of it, might just be my reading though, from there to the end was awesome again!

edit on 11-4-2012 by getreadyalready because: (no reason given)



posted on Apr, 11 2012 @ 09:30 PM
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reply to post by getreadyalready
 


I really appreciate the constructive criticism. Here is the edited version, following from your critique.

I
A raven black with shades of grey
Stalked me from not so far away
Perhaps he’s lost, not knowing the way
Then a noise I heard made me disturbed
Upon turning around the road dissolved
At my feet stood he about one-foot three.
II
“Demonic bird, possessed is thee,
What is it that you desire from me?”
In silence I waited for a response
Then appeared daunting eyes of red
A voice had spoken words to me unknown
With a horrible voice from the world below
III
The objects which remained outside the abyss
Began to twist and turn before my eyes
Spinning was my head, I thought.
The bird had spoken once again
To me it said, with wretched voice
“Follow the path into hell’s gate,
There you will be met by those who are late.”
IV
The raven had turned and flew away
Into the abyss it quickly fled.
All had now become dark as night
Lacking any brightness of moonlight
With no options but to hell I must go
Forward I went, awfully slow.
V
It was not long along the way
A light in the form of fire lit the path
Until reaching the end where a sign laid
Written in blood, decorated with limbs
Speaking the words, “Forever condemned”.
The raven returned in full form
To welcome me to hell; or Satan’s home
VI
Around me were frightening demons
Appearing only upon the floor and walls
For bodies they lacked, in shadows they dwell
Their appearance welcomed me into hell
Forever illuminating Satan’s domain
VII
Fleeing from the walls to refuge in the middle
I ran into an unseen blood red river
Quickly I fell into the rushing water
Looking up revealed my reflection
Looking down revealed deception
Pushing through the surface’ mirror
I escaped to discover the water obscure
VIII
Stumbling ahead I met greater dread
Down a hall to the left screams echoed distress
In the darkness lay bound a woman about twenty
With every scream deep wounds were inflicted
Even my footsteps added to her affliction
For the sounds cut like a sharp knife;
Louder the cries, slower the slice
IX
At this point consumed I fall to my knees
Sobbing aloud with great mental unease
Truth finally struck as an unwanted disease
I am to never escape nor find any peace
My life is to continue here for eternity.




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