Divorce and Grown Children

Originally posted by IndigoAquarius
reply to post by AQuestion

 

well that makes you a far better man than my father. Might not mean much but your children are very lucky to have you as a father, cheers to you for being a decent human being mate! and i mean that in a non sarcastic way.

Dear IndigoAquarius,

I don't think I am good, I am as flawed as anyone else which is why I forgive my ex-wife. I just want to figure out how to help my kids and I am pretty sure they ex feels the same way. Peace.

reply to post by Druid42


Dear Druid42,

Your child is begging for YOUR attention, and wants CLOSURE. What you DON'T have is the ability to give it to her. Why not?

Thank you for your thoughts and words. My middle one wasn't in the house, she didn't see what happened. She told me that if she thought my ex had cheated on me that she wouldn't be able to deal with her, this is a few years ago. She would not discuss what happened and didn't witness it. I believe she is looking for a way to justify what her mother did so that she can still accept her. I also know that she has gone out of her way to help her mother cope and has said she did so because she knew I could take care of myself, I think that was an accurate choice and I have. My middle child refuses to talk to me at all. I caught her stalking me under false names online. I believe she wanted my attention; but, was afraid to deal with what happened in person. When I confronted her, she ran away and refuses to talk to me. How do I let her know that the only closure is acceptance that even our parents are imperfect?

As someone who has been there...

Don't ever abandon her, don't let her mother abandon her, be there as a united front for anything that she needs. Keep communication open, don't push. No matter how much she may protest, do what the above poster said and make sure she KNOWS she is special to you. With maturity, hopefully she will realize there are things out of our control and we must learn to plow forward regardless and soothe ourselves. This is a -hard- lesson and we all know that.

LOVE her. Endlessly. I don't have to tell you to do that, I'm sure, but just covering all bases here

It will get better. Don't say anything negative about your ex-wife and make sure your ex-wife says nothing negative about you. If you have a good relationship with the other siblings, perhaps inquire privately about how the daughter is doing, they are guaranteed to know more than you do. Good luck dear, I'm really sorry this is happening to your family

reply to post by ValentineWiggin


Dear ValentineWiggin,

It will get better. Don't say anything negative about your ex-wife and make sure your ex-wife says nothing negative about you. If you have a good relationship with the other siblings, perhaps inquire privately about how the daughter is doing, they are guaranteed to know more than you do. Good luck dear, I'm really sorry this is happening to your family

My ex and I do not say negative things about each other, other than things that are obvious. She cannot add for instance, we all knew that, not a negative an obvious. Shortcomings that we had before the divorce don't cease to exist, though I understand that she is improving in that area. Thank you for your sympathy,

reply to post by ValentineWiggin


Dear ValentineWiggin,

It will get better. Don't say anything negative about your ex-wife and make sure your ex-wife says nothing negative about you. If you have a good relationship with the other siblings, perhaps inquire privately about how the daughter is doing, they are guaranteed to know more than you do. Good luck dear, I'm really sorry this is happening to your family

My ex and I do not say negative things about each other, other than things that are obvious. She cannot add for instance, we all knew that, not a negative an obvious. Shortcomings that we had before the divorce don't cease to exist, though I understand that she is improving in that area. Thank you for your sympathy,

My oldest daughter was was about 5 when me and the first ex split. Got lucky with that one because her grandmother ended up raising her. With minimal input from me, she turned out OK. Has a steady job in a real estate office. That girl saw things about her parents growing up that no child should see. She didn't see the fights when dad didn't bring the powder home for mom, she didn't see the sex with strange women, I kept that on the streets where it belonged, but she did see the effects that those sorts of things had on what passed for a personal life. Looking back on it all, I'm really amazed at how well adjusted she turned out.

She never was the type of kid to ask a lot of deep questions though. She just skimmed the surface and that was good enough for her. I guess she learned at an early age that dad doesn't lie to her so we had that level of trust all along. But because of my own personal issues at the time and the few years after, I couldn't spend a lot of time with her. But when I did I always told her Dad loves her. I think that might be the key for a lot kids. Sometimes there's some pretty hard truths associated with a divorce that kids just don't need to know. The age doesn't matter. Sometimes there's a thing called "too much information."

If you can't spend a lot of time with your kids after a divorce at least let them know that you love them and the reason the family fell apart wasn't their fault. Keep that kind of message consistent and it will become ingrained in them. And above all else........don't lie. Remember though, that once that kind of hands-off yet loving relationship is established, there's really no turning back from that. In other words, don't suddenly pop up out of nowhere 15 years after the fact and want a totally different kind of relationship with your kid. They'll be adults so their level of understanding will be different because of the time lapse. They already had one major adjustment to get used to in terms of how they view a family, they don't need another.

But if the divorce happened when they were adults I imagine you could form any type of relationship you wanted with them.

reply to post by AQuestion


hi there, im sorry to hear about your situation, and i dont know if i can help or shed any light for you...

first can i ask how old your daughter is ? i find it strange that she has now changed her mind... depending on her age or what has happened in her private life that you may not know about, that might have something to do with it.

my mum and dad split when i was 14.. but they were having problems well before then... i first started noticing the problems when i was 10, so i kinda knew it was coming. it was a messy split. one day when my brother (who is 3 years younger) and I came home from school, mum was acting strange (dad was out) and she said we're leaving. she left a note by the remote on the tv stand lol
confused, me and my brother did as we were told, packed some things and then we headed to my mum's friends house. we stayed there for 3 months, only seeing dad once a week, which killed my brother and i we were and still are close to him - but he was a b*****d at times... and i dont blame her for leaving him.

but whilst we were there mum's friend (who had been divorced once before) was hell bent on making my dad pay. she even had the police come round and ask me if he'd ever 'touched me inappropriately'... i was shocked and appalled at that question, and i will never forgive her for that. my dad would never do such a hideous thing...

but anyway, as i knew that one day they would split, it never really bothered me. i just wanted them both to be happy - i didnt care what it was that made them happy. my brother on the other hand took it a lot harder...
he seemed to think it was his fault, but after talking to him myself, he understood. i was just happy all the shouting, verbal abuse and treading on eggshells around dad had stopped..
but there was one thing that i think put both mine and my brothers minds at rest... they kept us constantly informed about what was going on. they were very open with us as to why. and if we asked questions they would always answer to best of their abilities.... this is what helped most i think.

i am now 21... and my brother 18.. a year ago my dad was made homeless, as his landlord's house was burnt down and he needed the house dad was staying in. so dad left. as my mum is such a damn softy, she said she couldnt see my dad on the streets, and seeing as dad never really had any close friends he moved back in with mum... they stil have their quarrels, but oddly enough they both seem to enjoy being 'together' again, i think its because they have each other for company as both my brother and i dont live there anymore...

they never got a divorce as neither could afford it, nor could they be bothered with it. and they both know they will not get married again... but, should the time come, neither would have a problem with filing for divorce.

all i would say to you is make sure you talk to her, ask her is she has any questions. push her a little bit and ask why she has changed her mind. most of all reassure her that it wasnt her fault and that sometimes things just dont work out...

communication is key.

hope this helps, and good luck

peace, fluff

reply to post by fluff007


Dear fluff007,

first can i ask how old your daughter is ? i find it strange that she has now changed her mind... depending on her age or what has happened in her private life that you may not know about, that might have something to do with it.

Sorry for the delay in the response. My daughter is in her mid-twenties. I believe she changed her mind because my ex-wife has had second thoughts. I saw one of my children this weekend and they told me how my ex-wife had said that she wished she could go back. The truth is, my ex-wife regrets how it turned out for her, she wants the life she had back; but, while I forgive her, it has been five years and there is nothing to go back to. As for talking to my daughter, she has refused all attempts to talk.

I recently reached out to my ex-wife. I indicated that I thought we needed to get together as a family to let the kids see that we are still a family and she has agreed. I do not expect that my daughter will be at the "reunion"; but, she will be welcome if she decides to. Thank you for letting me know your story, peace.

I haven't read all the replies yet, so if I'm being repetitive, sorry.

I think she's going through an identity crisis. Her foundations and outlook on reality has been shaken. What she took for granted, idealized to recreate for herself, was not real. The fairy tale of true love and "happily ever after" came crashing down. Her mother was a role model and betrayed her, you, the family unit and was betrayed herself. How can she trust her mothers wisdom to carry her through her life now, as a wife and a mother?

You are her father role model. She will, WILL, find her "duplicate" of you for a mate. However, her perception of you, as a husband, is challenged. She may feel that you have been betrayed, but were too naive. She probably has a lot of questions about how you could be so deceived, and can she be deceived as well. How can she trust. Can she find a mate that won't bore her, misunderstand her and make her unhappy later in life. Will she have the skill to work marital issue out and will her mate be willing to, or will she be abandoned her too (again)?

She probably has a lot of anger and hope that things will go back to normal.

My 2 cents.

reply to post by windword


Dear windword,

Thank you for your comments. She is getting married soon and is with someone she knew prior to the divorce. He is quiet and generally calm, he is well behaved and very talented. He is not unlike my oldest daughter's husband in many ways. Now my youngest likes them strong and a little crazy. I recently discovered that my ex-wife has been expressing sorrow over her choice and that she wished things could go back; but, that is not in the cards. I do not have any regrets, I did not cheat on my wife and life is actually much better now even if I have lost everything I spent a life acquiring for us all. I have peace and decided not to date a couple of years ago. I am enjoying a simpler life.

reply to post by AQuestion


I wish you and your family all goodness in the future. I too have been through major change in my life, location and family unit. Not dating either.

reply to post by AQuestion


no worries dude.. you dont have to get back to me straight away ...! just when ye have the time

hm well it is important to still get together as a family unit to enjoy being a family - so long as your not raging at each other. it can be really nice to sit down and have a meal together and just chat about life or whatever the topic may be...

regarding your daughter... i still find it strange how even in her mid-twenties she still doesn't seem to grasp why you are no longer together... its not her fault and she should know this herself... she's old enough now to understand these things... maybe she has fairytale dreams about getting married and having kids etc but has been scared out of that by what has happened between you and your wife...

was she the youngest, middle or eldest child ? i know that sometimes the youngest child will never understand and never want to understand - because the two people that they love the most have 'hurt' each other and them... whilst the middle child usually gets the most attention from either side... and the eldest is usually the one who questions and gets told off more...

i wouldn't worry too much though... she will eventually come to you and want to talk... give her time and space - but reassure her that whatever time day or night you will always be there for her no matter what...

i think wanting to get back together again is normal... after spending so long with someone and being so intimate with another person it can be incredibly difficult to 'let go'... you start reminiscing about all the good times and how happy you had been... i think this is what my own parents are going through at the moment...

yes, it may have been a good few years since they separated - but that doesn't mean that they can't or shouldn't have another go... it really depends on how YOU feel... if you feel that the spark is back and you yourself would like to get back together - then try! the worst case scenario is that it doesn't work....

but don't feel pressured into doing it - don't let anyone guilt trip you into doing something you feel isn't right for you... talk with your ex, maybe you could just start 'hanging out' together... or doing something that you both enjoy doing, or doing something fun... then if you both had a good time, after a while go on a date - see how things pan out....

but like i said if you truly feel there's no point in going back, then you don't have to... its up to you after all.

hope you can work it all out - good luck friend

reply to post by AQuestion

how do I let my kids know that what we had was real and that we are still a family, a broken one to be sure; but it is and will always be the family that my children grew up in.

Take an evening and take a stroll down memory lane, whether home movies, or looking at photo albums with the disenfranchised child. That should show them just how REAL it all was. There's a big difference between memory and actually seeing those memories in the flesh....(i.e. on film). And of course, keep reinforcing that today's situation is what it is, but it in no way diminishes what WAS, and that no matter what, family is still family. Of course, some of this is on the ex too, but you can only control what YOU do...

Good luck.

regarding your daughter... i still find it strange how even in her mid-twenties she still doesn't seem to grasp why you are no longer together.

Does the daughter have relationship issues of her own perhaps? If so, then seeing her long-held "ideal" relationship go up in smoke likely did a number on her, and that's why she feels as she does. She feels, "What chance have I got if that didn't work?" She has to know that sometimes people grow apart, and it's nobody's fault (or even if it is), it's just the way of things sometimes. But, it should have no bearing on her own happiness.

reply to post by Gazrok


Once again, good advice from Gazrok.

Time is a great healer of wounds.

The fact that something went bad later on doesn't invalidate the happy memories associated with the time when things were better.