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Recently, I have come to understand that the one that didn't want me to date feels that her whole life has been a lie. I believe it is because she thought we were a family and now feels that we are not. I don't feel the same way. Whatever my ex-wife did in secret, what we did together was still real.
You said it yourself: secret and public relationship. You guys were lying to yourselves, each other and the kids. Thats why she said what she did. Instead of denying her feelings on the issue, try asking for her opinion about it. Sorry for the direct abruptness and opening cans of worms, just you asked for it. Difficult subject for me.
Recently, I have come to understand that the one that didn't want me to date feels that her whole life has been a lie.
If not, maybe you can try to have a heart-to-heart talk if she is receptive. Really sounds like she wants to share. Hope you can help her.
but yeah to answer your question, not saying you did or did not do anything of a negative nature but i feel that if parents split up they should wait a at least a year or two to let the dust settle instead of jumping right back in, also i really feel the dramatic shift in priorities of my parents was greatly at fault....very personal stuff but hope its helps some even if just a bit. best of luck to ya but in my opinion once the damage is done theres no going back, either learn to bare the pain more effectively or keep spiraling like me.
Wow. So no matter how old they are the kids are obviously deeply affected by their parents decision to separate.
Originally posted by Druid42
Honestly, the kids are grown, you both have re-adjusted, life goes on. For the one child with issues, (there will always be a black sheep in the herd, you know), get them into therapy or counseling to help with the separation anxiety. Nothing's perfect, but it seems like you guys worked through everything reasonably well. Kudos.
I'll also guess the one with issues is a female, and she was the middle child. A few hours of counseling will help her immensely.
The situation my parents had was different. Funny thing is they decided to divorce as a result of counseling. The consensus was that there was no love in the relationship and why stay together?? But then the resentment began with both of them using the kids as conduits for their communication. With unresolved issues that has been trying as well. Kids don't get it.
and the middle daughter
Originally posted by TheXoor
I think anyone saying "it wasn't real love" about the OP's relationship and years of family life together would be wrong. People can fall in love and out of love. Love is not something you *HAVE*, its something you *DO*. My parents divorced after almost 30 years of marriage. It was because my father had an affair with a much younger woman, who later dumped him. The divorce happened when I was an adult, not a child.
But I can say that nothing was "easy" for me about the divorce, even though I was an adult who had grown up and moved out, no longer dependent on my parents for support. Still, the anger that I felt towards my father was immense, for what he did to my mother. Essentially, he destroyed our family. Moreover, he dumped the responsibility for caring for my mother (emotionally and financially) onto me and my sister, which created an unfair burden for us as twentysomethings starting out in the world.
I haven't spoken to my father in over a decade and I doubt I will ever again.
Divorce is horrible, if it can be avoided in most cases it should. There are cases where divorce is better than staying together, I believe that. But simply tossing your partner of many years over your shoulder like a disposbal can is wrong. THe media perpetrates the lie that this is OK - it is not. It destroys families, whenever it happens.
I'm sorry for the OP because it sounds like its the wife's fault, not his. I wish I could offer more reassurance but I can't. The wounds that have been inflicted in my case were too deep and there is no putting humpty-dumpty back together now. Like I said above, the sense of family was REAL at the time, but its gone now and its not coming back. The only lesson I can draw from this is that if couples want to continue to have a family they better think twice about divorcing because yes, it does wreck families, whenver it happens in a family's time together.
Sorry I can't be more upbeat or encouraging about this.
edit on 4/5/2012 by TheXoor because: (no reason given)