Is it "Love" or "In Love" that makes it work?

reply to post by CosmicEgg

The topic here is love or in love.

Agreed. Let's take it from there. I am trying to be unbiased, interjecting my own thoughts, but in actuality, what you guys think is what I am trying to explore. If nothing else, it may help someone who reads this thread, and even though nobody is right, a person may glean enough from this to help their own relationship.

If you could help someone in their relationship, wouldn't you? I know I would. If I did it inadvertently, through a post on ATS, all the better. The input so far has been sound, and reliable, and from solid sources. There's not much wrong with what works, and experience is a good key to understanding.

reply to post by CosmicEgg


I am responding to what the OP said here

From my perspective, and PLEASE correct me if I'm wrong, being "in love" means a meaningful sexual relationship, and "love" pertains to a feeling of friendship, and trust.

So yes, it does have to do with the topic at hand.

I am not saying anything that contradicts what you said or the article you linked. In fact your article supports what I am trying to say.

People become infatuated, they think they are "in love." They refer to it as being "in love." When it fades they feel like they have fallen out of being "in love" but they still feel love for their partner but they think the relationship is over because the high is gone. Genuine love sees past that. The article you posted is what I consider to be real "in love". The OP asked for clarification of what the term "in love meant" his description is something similar to infatuation. I see a lot of people on ATS use the term "in love" in place infatuation because they can't tell the difference.

Anyways I hope what I said made more sense, I can't see straight so I am off to bed.

Sorry I didn't mean to derail your thread OP so I'll just add this.

If a person means enough to you to stay with them past the sexual attraction, to work past all the many problems a relations ship will have, then to me, that is truley being "in love"

reply to post by Druid42


This guy says love is all just chemical reactions.


Joe Rogan says it's all on what you call it.


Pat Benatar says love is a battlefield.


And this raunchy clip says that love is like Big Foot or Santa Claus, everybody has heard of them. But nobody ever seen them, or can offer proof that they exist....ie, therefore it does not exist, or if it does it's all in there heads.



What do I think?

I dont think about it much, but it seems to me that everybody who has ever had an opinion on love be it good or bad was right. And that there is no difference between "love" or "In love" but that which you make it. All a personal journey.

I am afraid when it comes to this subject everybody is right, love just awesomely sucks.

It's both and all things given time and it will go through every up and down you can imagine, and if at the end your still on the ride and aren't puking your guts out, and are willing to stick it all out...Then you just might be in love.

Or if your still on the ride, it could also be that the seat belt has broken and trapped you, and no matter how hard you try it just wont budge, therefore you just cant get off this ride.

What is love? Love is a word that people like to throw around, and it is a loaded world. And in this love game that people so feverishly play and throw there dice in, everybody has loaded dice. All bets are off, the cards are stacked against you, the odds are not on your side, the house is cheating, and the dice all loaded.

Love is a self delusion. "Love is seeing someone imperfect perfectly" Love is complete madness, and like some dude once said. “There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.”

It's like the greatest awesomely sucky thing ever.

Had a roomate in college who said "the hours of bull# aren't worth the minutes of pleasure" & ive pretty much stuck to that mantra ever since & I'm pretty happy not being with 1 girl for the rest of your life.

Peace

reply to post by BABYBULL24

The hours of bull# are all well worth all the hours of pleasure.
Keep you minutes two girls is one to many, it's bound to be a giant headache.

Pieces

reply to post by Druid42


Women also want physical intimacy. I think the disconnect comes when men pretty much ignore their partner until they feel like they need sex. Women get angry and withhold it as a form of "protest".

It isn't that we don't like to have physical intimacy, it is just that we are more likely to put out when we feel appreciated for our other qualities. Do you know how many men would get some if they actually picked up after themselves, or one day said, "Hey Sweetie, put your feet up for a while, I'll do the dishes"? If a guy actually dusted and vacuumed....I'm getting worked up just thinking about it. I have told my husband this. He looks at me and says, "But that's women's work". Of course, he is older and a native Texan, so he is a more extreme example than many of the younger men out there now.

Men tend to compartmentalize their lives, and sex is a compartment unto itself. Women have everything jumbled together in one big container. Men want to have their needs satisfied and then go back to whatever it is they were doing (at least this has been my experience over many years). Women want to be loved and appreciated as a whole person, and the sex will flow naturally from that.

To meet in the middle is the most fair way to deal with it: Men must try to put a little more romance into it, maybe pitch in a little more around the house, and treat the woman as their friend. Women must try to understand that a man ignoring her doesn't mean he doesn't love her, and must respect the fact that men are driven to copulate without much thought behind it, so if she expects her man to be faithful, she must make an honest effort to accommodate that.

And both sexes like to be appreciated as people and loved for who they are.

Sometimes, a little romance, or nurturing the relationship, in which sex isn't the end goal. goes a long way. More often than not, sex will be the end result, but only because it is a natural expression of feeling close.

reply to post by FissionSurplus


So true that it hurts, but that's the ideal that men are forced to bend to.

Excellent reply.

reply to post by Druid42


Oh, honey!!! I have had to do some bending too, in ways I can't say on this site.....Bottom line, give a little, get a little.

Yah. FS, I know. However, I would think that you would agree that women are not 24 hour sex machines after the age of 30. Men still are.

Us men are seeing it as too much work for the 3 minutes of fame.

We are in love with you if we can remember having sex with you within the past 15 minutes. Beyond that, our bodies want another round. The little brain speaks much louder than the big one.

Here's the thing clincher that most older women don't realize: It's on your shoulders. Older men will do what they are told, and will devote themselves to a woman, but we need to feel like we are "loved", and in return, the "in love" feeling remains.

Older men don't chase. We hunt. We have had our share of conquests, and we know exactly what we want, and we know exactly when we have something we don't want.

Of course, even the best of hunters get caught in a trap. We don't see it at first, and then one day, unhappy, we test our freedom, and it is not there. All men, after a period of time, know whether they are happy or caught in a trap. There's only two outcomes, and everyone in a relationship can state, honestly and quickly, whether they are happy or not.

The happy people reading this needn't reply, but the nots should. With the not happies replying, the females could see the specific things that men are unhappy about.

Of course, the female nots should pitch their words as well. Methinks we could create an awesome marriage guide.

Post away.

reply to post by FissionSurplus

I think the disconnect comes when men pretty much ignore their partner until they feel like they need sex.

That is the story of my life .

After 16 years still struggling with it.
Keeping the physical connection,a hug,a kiss to let her know you are still attracted to her.
You get busy with the details of life and forget,as a man until you want some real physical activity.

Thanks for that reminder,I must reaffirm that attraction.

reply to post by Druid42


You are only ever responsible for yourself. You may have parents and children to look after, pets too...a job. Whatever. But your responsibility begins and ends with you.

You may read that as selfishness. It is anything but. You can only determine your own fate - to the extent that Fate allows. We all think we do so much good by helping others to see the folly of their ways but is this not arrogance? We are all entitled to make our own mistakes but to be loved just as much even so. When my kids make mistakes, they don't get shouted at. I just smile and let them get on with things. Mistakes are the best teachers. But they teach only when people learn from them. Now again, that doesn't mean you're allowed one mistake per issue. When I was in culinary school, our chefs said that you don't know a recipe until you've made it 200 times. Then and only then can you start to modify it. Well, I'm not so much a fan of that mentality either. I like mistakes and errors and failure in general. You experience many more facets of whatever given issue or thing when you poke around at it from all angles. That is the beauty of freedom, of growth, of experience.

So, who is responsible? You are. But only for yourself. Loving yourself means that you give yourself permission to be you in all your glory. Revel in your own failures, mistakes, shortcomings, and let others have the same. Your tolerance levels increase remarkably. You learn from the mistakes of others. Imagine not being uptight about little stuff. Even big stuff doesn't matter half as much anymore. Just let it go. Things aren't as grave as we think they are. When we look at others and judge them, a deep gaze into the nearest mirror is a matter of priority. Those who judge the quickest are, to my experience, those who could do with a good dose of self-examination. They may *think* they're all that, but what you normally find is a creepy, sniveling, malevolent whiner; not someone functioning from a place of love.

Neither.

It depends on the people, it is just all a trap. If you have a person in love and one that loves the person in love is vulernable because of the changes in brain chemistry which has an effect on body language and actions. I have never been in the situation where I am in love and someone else is been in love. Love seems to have an opposite effect on itself. A person can love you all they want, but they are just flaunting a carrot on a string in front of your face if they do not let you be in love. The world likes to do that to, I really don't know why. We would all be in love if it was my way.

reply to post by greyer


LOL Rather too pessimistic and generalized, your that philosophy there. Might want to wipe the tears from your eyes and realize that you get as good as you give. You cannot across-the-board state that relationships are like this or that because that's all you've ever experienced. You haven't experienced the kind you want. That doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It means you aren't the person to create that sort of relationship with. What are you looking for? Why are you not attracting it? You are the reason, not the rest of the world.

I'm running a little short on time right now, so let me just say this.

You know you're in love when: ( For all you women out there, just change the needed words to fit you.)

…..She's always on your mind

…..She opens doors you never knew were there

…..She makes the connection at your level

…..She makes you want to change to get to her level

…..She makes you want to rise above it all

…..She makes you feel like a man and a boy at the same time

…..She makes you feel like spring after a long cold winter

…..You don't see her faults and makes you see past yours

…..She puts your head in the clouds and keeps your feet on the ground

…..She makes you want her

…..She makes you need her

…..She can read your mind

…..You don't have to talk to her to get through to her

…..She feels what you feel

…..She makes you want to feel

…..You're nervous and secure at the same time

…..She makes time stand still

…..She doesn't see your faults by bringing out the best in you

…..She's always on your mind

…..She makes the impossible possible

…..You look her in the eyes and she see's right through you

…..She inspires you

…..You lead her like a man and follow her like a boy

…..She has a calming effect on you

…..She's always on your mind

…..When the missing pieces come into view

…..When the pieces finally fit

…..When she completes you

…..You're with another woman yet......

…..She's always on your mind

…...................You don't know who the other woman is anymore

.....She's the only song you need.

I've only been with my partner for 2 years, so the infatuation hasn't even worn off, let alone the 'in love' part, so I'm probably not the best one to discuss it.
I agree, to love is to feel anguish over the thought of losing. I love my cats, my family, my friends, and I love my partner.
I am also in love with him. In love is almost obsessive. Crazy highs and f**ked up lows. A really weird one, the concept of being 'in love' baffles me. I know I have never felt for anyone this intensely, no other being has ever brought me so much joy, or so much pain, and almost every aspect of my life revolves around him, as does his around me.

The infatuation is the best bit about falling in love though, the missing of the other, the butterflies in the stomach, the shower of smiles, and I am terrified that that will go away soon. It seems to fade in every long term relationship I have seen.
I don't thing you nessecarily fall out of love though, just stop being infatuated. When that infatuation dies, you suddenly become aware of all the flaws in the other being you didn't even notice before. By then, it's too late, you're deeply in love and can't run away. >.<

I think, however, and this is being completely honest... As much as I love my partner, I think our relationship would be so much smoother and with less pain if we weren't 'in love'. No, hang on a second, 'cause that might sound weird.
But honestly, when you are 'in love', you care about EVERYTHING the other person says or does. This invokes jealousy, unintentionally trying to control the other, taking things personally when they weren't meant that way, having to sacrifice personal goals to appease the other...
I know this. I have a CRAZY relationship. We hurt each other so much, and we are always telling each other what to do, as if we own each other. Which, even though we'd said such things to each other, is not true. We do not OWN each other, and our actions should not cause such upheaval.
It is actually not up to me if he has sex with that other girl, or smokes crack,
and it is not up to him if I become an alcoholic or refuse to get a job. >.<
But we have prevented each other from doing these things. Which is SO controlling.

However, if I simply LOVED my romantic partner but was not 'in love', it would be, well, I suppose technically it would be safe to say 'f**k buddies'. No strings attached. How much SMOOTHER things would be if all these unessecary emotions weren't involved!

Some might say all that pain is worth those lovely romantic moments.... :/ Call me a cynic, but really, I honestly think to LOVE is just good enough, and to be 'in love' is never as good as it sounds. Over rated.