reply to post by hhcore
Resources aren't an issue, I could be there tomorrow if I wanted, but I need to be self sufficient. I'm well aware of the medical situation there, my
mother lived in the US for a few years, and this woman actually works in the healthcare field.
I know the job situation is tight there, lucky for me the sectors I'm trained in are actually growing.
Anyways, I think I need to clear something up. This marriage failed before it started, and I think the only thing keeping me there these past years
was the fact that I don't want to hurt my wife, obviously I already am, but I don't want you people to think everything was fine and I met someone and
all this happened.
I have spent the last years trying to make this work, talking about the problems, explaining what was going wrong and how I thought we should fix it.
That's all it amounts to, talk. There hasn't been a romantic aspect for quite sometime, she wasn't interested, I stopped trying because it hurts too
My wife and I were right for each other when we met, I'll never regret our relationship, I only regret dragging it on when we should have just parted
ways. I stopped being able to make her happy a long time ago, and she stopped making me happy around the same time.
I think you would be much happier if you spent your energy on trying to make your marriage work. Act like you did when your relationship was new, be
Maybe I am trying to sabotage it. Maybe I do want my cake and want to eat it to. But don't assume I didn't try. I spent some of the best years of
my life trying. I spent my twenties trying, going the distance. you can only beat yourself up so much before you beat yourself down. She lost
interest in me long before I lost interest in her. I never confronted her about it, but I know she had a fling with a guy, dunno how far it went, but
that was the beginning of the end.
It really came in spurts, bouts of depression, then days where I just tried to go all out. It's hard to be with someone that doesn't really want to
be with you, she says she does, but she sure doesn't show it well. So yes, I can empathize with what she is feeling right now, I've been there for
several years. i'm not faking anything with her, we haven't been romantic or physical in sometime and she knows why, I told her.
In fact, the last time we discussed that part was valentines day. The day where I spent my whole work day planning a big night, spent 2 hours drawing
her the cutest freaking valentine ever, she came home to roses, a candle lit dinner and soft music and presents. What did she do for me you ask?
Nothing, didn't even say thank you, no valentine, passed out at 8pm. So when we had our customary argument I said to her mid discussion.
"you know how I can tell the difference between you wanted to get physical and not?"
"you fall alseep if you don't want to"
How can I possibly spend anymore time with someone who is quite obviously not sexually attracted to me anymore? I shouldn't have to convince my wife
of 12 years to show me a little attention and affection.
My wife knows about this other woman, but not the extent of the relationship. We've already discussed separation, she doesn't know there is a
possibility of me leaving the country for awhile.
I was going to leave either way, but meeting someone else kinda gave me that final push, it put air back into my lungs. I really can't put it into
words but anyone who's gone through something similar might understand me, the past few years, I'm just an empty husk, a shell.
i'm not leaving my wife for this other woman, i'm leaving my wife for myself. the fact that I found someone I've connected with just gives me a goal.
Maybe it won't work out, but I refuse to spend the rest of my life regretting not trying. Nothing is set in stone, but we are determined to try.
there is also the possibility of, after her treatment, her moving here. She's well off, to say the least, and has nothing pegging her down where she
is. Her meds would be insanely cheaper here, my medical plan would cover 80% of dental and optical. She'd get way more bang for her buck in
cannuckistan, and she's already planning on moving to Maine at some point, which is only another few hours from where I'm at.
Maybe the cancer will be too much to treat this time, maybe she won't make it.
If I've learned anything from my screwed up life and everything I've watched slip away, I've learned that I'd rather spend the few months I could with
someone I was meant to find, than walk away.
Someone asked how I'd feel if my wife had a similar post somewhere. I pondered that for awhile. I'm sure on some level, I'd be hurt, just like her,
because of the deception. But I wouldn't be surprised, and in fact, it would make this situation easier if I knew she already found someone.
This isn't some rash decision, this is something that has been festering for some time.
I do feel for my wife, I hate causing her the pain. But what's worse, me leaving, or staying but only being half there? I've stayed this long,
through all this crap, because it was easier and I'm fairly weak willed. A good friend, one of the few I still have that I can talk to, related how
her marriage failed in a similar manner. She called it the long goodbye.
We both know it has to end, neither of us are strong enough to swallow that. She has a great group of friends and a strong close knit family, she has
a support network.
I think what is going to happen now is a separation, I'll move out and start making a life for myself, if things pan out with the other woman great,
if not, I've still got a friend for life that shares my heart and brain. I'm not going to pull that up and disappear or leave a note crap, we've
already talked and cried it out.
thanks again for all the input, including the honesty, much appreciated from you all.
edit on 29-3-2012 by phishyblankwaters because: (no reason given)