watching loved ones die.

I understand your pain. I have been through the same with my father, and more recently, my wife. There is really nothing that can be said to make it any better, you just have to muster up the internal strength to deal with it.

As a true believer in an afterlife, it makes it somewhat easier to take, because you know that they are passing into a new realm of existence. I am convinced that we never really die, but transform. It may benefit you to pick up a few of the latest books on the subject. It does not do much for the immediate situation, but there is solace in reading the experiences of others that have gone through this, as you do not feel so alone with your feelings. Best to you and yours.

reply to post by Night Star

a hug just because.

ah, thanx, i needed that.

reply to post by charlyv


personally, i'm not quite sure, but dad is a true believer.
they've been giving him thorozine, which helps keep him lucid for a while.
he keeps mentioning he's ready to see my mom, who passed about 2 years ago.

Wish ya the best. Not easy at all. Like many others I have been there and seeing them suffer and not being able to do anything to help them is the worst part of all. I feel for you and may God give you the strength to get through this.

I am so sorry to hear of your situation.
I've always told myself that I would rather die before my father passes, the devastation would be too much to bear. I respect and love him like none other, hell, I get teary-eyed just thinking or talking about it.
But I would never wish that pain upon my father, the pain of having to bury a child.

Again, I am sorry.

I was there when my grandfather took his last breath in his hospital room. I am quite glad that I was there to comfort him when he did...

There are no words to express the feelings you feel when it happens. Just continue to be there and when it does happen, stay a while longer to make sure that he understands that you have not abandoned him...

You'll feel much better for it.

I've watched my mom passing away a month ago. Lung cancer. It was/is the person i've loved the most in this world. We took her home and stayed with her even though it was teribly hard to do. I am still not myself, still trying to cope with the fact.
There is nothing i can say to make it easier for you. It will hurt like hell and you have to go through it alone. I am told it gets better with time. I hope so. For what is worth, I understand what you're going through and i hope you will come out ok.

i appreciate everyones comments, well wishes and stories.
i knew i was far from being alone in this, especially with cancer effecting people we all know.
my mom passed a couple of years ago and luckily went quite peacefully.
i wish everyone left us this way but it just doesn't work that way.
the first person i watched die was my grandfather, when i was about 13 years old.
we were in the living room watching a funny movie, he was laughing so hard he had a heart attack and was gone in a matter of minutes.
it was his 8th serious one.

reply to post by rubbertramp

dear op i too am sorry for your pain, but there is a word that i have difficulty dealing with and it's not your fault, some how the consciousness has adopted this form of description of physical death as quote "passing on", "pass away", "crossed over" ect. The problem with this anaogy presumes there is a like a bridge to cross over or a place distant from right here. The truth is (and this has been proven) is that when someone physicaly dies, they don't cross anything, they leave their physical body float above it and are no longer bound by the laws of physical reality, if they think of someone, bam, they are looking at them. It is a liberating experience where there realy is no pain or suffering and the blind can see and the lame can fly, that is heaven and it awaits us all NOW via OOBEs and at the end of our physical aventure here on earth.

I sympathize with your situation.
been through it with my father in 1990, aged 67 and prostate cancer.
The only advice I can give you is be strong for your loved one.
They will take their strength from you,
lie if you have to,
you will be the rock to take them through this to its inevitable conclusion,
and badger the medical staff if necessary
to ensure he is kept comfortable.
One thing that can be controlled is pain.
Make sure they do their job.
Don't take anything personal that is said at this time.
Morphine based drugs are brilliant at what they do as regards pain,
but cloud the mind.
You will feel anger at many things
but that is only a luxury you can afford yourself after the fact.
Your father is what is important now, not you.
So be strong, you won't regret it.
And don't forget to tell him you love him,
many times,
while he is still conscious.
Once the hospice staff put him on motorized syringes,
time will be short.

reply to post by rubbertramp

I sympathize for your loss.

with all due respect I dont think its fair to try and put a value on human life. we all are humans and have a right to live.

reply to post by rubbertramp


Remember who he is.Death is a gate I would hope to pass quickly. I wouldn't want my family bawling over my broken body as I passed but to celebrate my departure from it.And again this is not all,I'll bet my life on it.... again.
I lost Dad at 14,instantly to a massive coronary, I never really got to know him.

reply to post by rubbertramp


No in my mind you have crossed no line.

I was in nursing and saw this many times......too many.

If you are sitting next to him now, get up and give him a hug, put your cheek next to his and say softly, "I love you and wish you a safe and peaceful journey."

Try to make sure his passing is as calm as possible, that he is not upset.

Drugs do strange things to us.

I don't know if drugs are a good thing or a bad thing.

Good because, well quite frankly and being honest, morphine makes one feel very good - under a doctor's prescribed orders and in accordance with legal protocol. I would never advocate anything illegal. If one is dying of disease and in pain, morphine than stops that pain but it does cloud the mind and block the chakras

When I go, I don't want to be in pain. In my book pain is really bad.

May I ask what your father is dying of?

Now, I have read that people that are pumped full of drugs and not totally aware of their passing may have problems passing on but I myself, when I have been with people that had to be pumped full of drugs, (morphine for breast cancer) they passed very quietly and their soul felt to me to lift off quite nicely, smooth, easy and just slipped away like a gentle breeze - I've had several patients I was with that died of cancer that were heavily drugged.

Now, if you possibly can, and I know it's asking a lot but this man if he treated you half way nice and upping your karma - every time he screams out a profanity, say softly to him, I know this must be difficult for you, we love you, soon your journey will begin, give in to it, you will not die but go on, we are eternal, you are eternal and we, I love you." Also, if you can get yourself to, touch, gently rub his arm. I don't know why but when I saw other family members do this to a dying family member while they were ranting, it seemed to calm them.

This I realize is just a suggestion, maybe a silly one - but he is in the process of slowly slipping from our third dimension into another dimension and any support or reassurance, even if you think he is not aware will help him transfer over more smoothly.

He is holding on, resisting, his physical body is fighting and not wanting to let go. Tell him, he can leave, you will take care of things.

You are a part of his soul group for some reason???

I don't know the full situation and really feel for you. You are going through some pretty heavy stuff right now.

Once this is over and he has passed, if you possibly helped him along on his journey, you will find that you, yourself will be more at peace.

Again, you have my sympathy. If you are sitting with him, you indeed are a most caring and sweet person. Dying alone is sad, I've had many patients hold onto my hand and ask me to stay, to be with them, that they are scared.

This is but a dream, our real reality comes after we take that final 3d breath.

I hope this reply has comforted you or helped you in some way.

Donegal_TDI's response was very wise.

Magnum007's reply was very perceptive and kind. (there are a lot of good, kind and wise replies) but Magnum007's saying stay with "the body" for a bit is a good idea - the soul does not necessarily lift off and depart totally right away, it may hover around abit.

After my Mother In Law died in her bed at home (breast cancer). Before the undertaker came, we all gathered around her bed and each singly kissed this magnificent, kind and wonderful woman on the cheek and told her (even after she was dead)............we love you and wish you a smooth journey.

Originally posted by rubbertramp
i wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but bet there are numorous people here who have been through what i'm going through now.
i'm sitting here in a hospice room watching my father slowly pass.
too slowly if you ask me. he's not been himself, for instance he's using curse words that have never left his mouth in his 79 years.
he's blaming me for everything etc.........
yes, i understand that he means none of it, but it's a tough thing to watch.
he's on morphine, which seems to help, but this has dragged on for days, and will probably continue for qute some time.
he's still strong enough to put up a fight, even though it is a losing battle.
about 5 minutes ago i asked the nurse what the maximum dose allowable is.
not nearly enough to end it and she mentioned that it's quite normal for family members to ask for enough to just end it.
the thought of this concept not being legal is disturbing to say the least.
i'll jab him myself in order to end his suffering but tptb won't let me.
sad but true, i could most likely just walk down to central ave. here in albuquerque and find enough from some druggie.
if this continues much longer it might be worth a trip to prison.
i apologize to the board if i've crossed a line with this post.

I don't think about my mother as much as I should. Something which sounds shameful to admit, even in my own head as I'm typing this, but the words in your op brought up some tough memories of my mother's final days in 2001. She died from a malignant tumor in her brain. She was diagnosed with this cancer in November of 2000 after getting a head scan as a result of a car crash (terrible way to find out, I know), and by July of 2001 she was gone.

My girlfriend at the time and I decided early on, upon learning the cancer was terminal, to get married so that she could see at least one of her kids wed. My sister's the career academic type and will never take the vows, so we went through with it in March '01 on St. Patrick's day. My wife was 19 at the time. I was 22. My mother died exactly 4 months later. She never got to know her first and only grandchild (my son who is now 4), but I make damn sure that he knows who she is.

The transformation, not just physically, but mentally was staggering. I remember sitting by her bedside, and she looked directly at me, and then asked me if I would fetch her son (who is me). She didn't even recognize me in the end.

It's a terrible thing to see someone you know going through such pain. You wish to end their suffering, yet know you hate to see them go. It's the worst form of torure this world puts on a person. The most important thing you can do is be there to see them transition from this world to the next, and then carry their memory once their gone. My thoughts are with you and your family during this time. May your father pass swiftly and easily.

I'm sorry, I hope these true stories help you to deal with your loss.
allnurses.com...

this thread hurts to read because it's an inevitability I too will have to face in very similiar circumstances.
i've watched the progression occur in both my grandparents, my grandmother now lives in a home and has breast cancer & diabetes, my grandfather has alzheimers, dementia and parkinsons.
I remember a time when he could outrun me and she was cooking grand dinners, then it drastically shifted as I grew,
i'll never be able to forget the pain of time.

I drive them everyday if possible to see each other, she likes to walk around the mall endlessly and he will join her briefly and enjoy a coffee. we try to all enjoy each other because we know that the time is short, we're all suffering in a way but they won't admit it, they are the strongest, happiest people I could have ever hoped to mold my morals and personality off of.

they raised me and are my closest family, when they go I will be alone.

but my grandfather told me something that i'll never forget,
he placed his hand on my shoulder and looked right into my eyes and said,
"no matter what happens, it's no matter of distance or time, i'll always be there for you, no matter what"
and he is, and always will be. he taught me what it is to be a man.

reply to post by rubbertramp


I've been there. I had a sister-in-law which was as close as my own sisters. We really got along and enjoyed each others company. Sadly she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She preferred to have all means necessary to keep her alive. It was an agonizing 3 months watching her suffer. She couldn't eat nor drink and had five or six tubes connected to her. She wanted to die at home, but she couldn't leave the hospital or she would have died after being disconnected from all the life lines she had. When I would go to visit her, I didn't want her husband to wake her up because I felt as long as she was asleep she wasn't in any pain.

It's a shame we treat animals with mercy and let them die in peace, but we allow humans to die in pain. It upsets me when political and religious groups try to justify keeping people alive when there is no hope.

After seeing my sister in-law suffer like that, I know when my time is coming to an end I don't want any medical procedures done to pro-long my life. I always had a tough time deciding on filling out a living will, but after that experience I didn't think twice about doing so.

reply to post by Danbones


Really that depends on the type of death, I have suffocated both lungs gave up one me for no reason, its a long story, And i can say from work to hospital was a long way. Was the most painful thing i have experienced. And afterwards was just as bad, half a dozen chest tubes later 6months hospital. another 6 recovery and another 6 for nerve regrowth, was weird with no feeling in my chest what so ever.

Now I'm not afraid of death,

Ps was the most humbling period of my life.

Pss no light there, cant really describe the feeling as there was none, nothingness, kinda a darkness/nothingness.

Originally posted by rubbertramp
i'm sitting here in a hospice room watching my father slowly pass.
too slowly if you ask me. he's not been himself, for instance he's using curse words that have never left his mouth in his 79 years.
he's still strong enough to put up a fight, even though it is a losing battle.
about 5 minutes ago i asked the nurse what the maximum dose allowable is.
not nearly enough to end it and she mentioned that it's quite normal for family members to ask for enough to just end it.
if this continues much longer it might be worth a trip to prison.
i apologize to the board if i've crossed a line with this post.

My heart goes out to you. My best friend and a girlfriend both died like that. We treat our animals better than that. Like when my dog got sick and couldn't walk we had him "put down" (fast). It doesn't feel very good being right about it but it is better than seeing someone you love suffer. Like when Triston had to shoot his horse in Legends of the Fall.

Your father sounds like a great man. I don't believe he'd ever want you to suffer the legal consequences of ending his situation, and seems to trust you in sharing his emotional agony.

Hang in there and keep giving it to God. When its over write on the blogs what should be fixed, especially as we're heading toward Obama'care...

im sorry to hear your situation. I too had to witness a loved one passing (actually 2 loved ones literally pass in front of me and within few days apart): i dont know if this will help you, but it may so i am going to link my experience. if you want, look it up. maybe you'll find some comfort:

www.abovetopsecret.com...