watching loved ones die.

i wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but bet there are numorous people here who have been through what i'm going through now.
i'm sitting here in a hospice room watching my father slowly pass.
too slowly if you ask me. he's not been himself, for instance he's using curse words that have never left his mouth in his 79 years.
he's blaming me for everything etc.........
yes, i understand that he means none of it, but it's a tough thing to watch.
he's on morphine, which seems to help, but this has dragged on for days, and will probably continue for qute some time.
he's still strong enough to put up a fight, even though it is a losing battle.
about 5 minutes ago i asked the nurse what the maximum dose allowable is.
not nearly enough to end it and she mentioned that it's quite normal for family members to ask for enough to just end it.
the thought of this concept not being legal is disturbing to say the least.
i'll jab him myself in order to end his suffering but tptb won't let me.
sad but true, i could most likely just walk down to central ave. here in albuquerque and find enough from some druggie.
if this continues much longer it might be worth a trip to prison.
i apologize to the board if i've crossed a line with this post.

First of all, I'm really sorry for what you are going through.

I've experienced it first hand, when I was 16 I had to witness my grandmother slowly pass away from breast cancer while in a hospice room as well. She was like a mother to me sine she raised me and I lived with her. It was devastating to me but whenever she passed I felt kind of relieved, because I knew her suffering was over.

I agree with you, we need to legalize euthanasia for humans. Sometimes it's just the best thing to do than to sit there and slowly watch them die while in agony from incurable illnesses.

Sorry to hear of your situation, must be heart wrenching and exhaustive. Isn't there a gray area in this situation, where the doctors/nurses will "unofficially" assist in ending any suffering determined by family and physicians? I am not sure how I am going to handle this when the time comes, but my understanding is that if someone really wants to "pass on," and the family is in agreement, they can and will. I hope some hospice or medical professionals can chime in on this.

Blessings and strength,
spec

reply to post by rubbertramp


been there done that RT
hang in there

I had a boss (not the loved ones I refered to above)
he had his leg cut off diamond drilling in the arctic and had his skull split open and his eyeballs knocked out when a dump truck gate fell on his head in the scrap yard

he was CLINICALLY dead seventeen times
he said:
"It isn't going that hurts...Its coming back that hurts"

he was a huge seller of bootleg booze and cigarettes and he went to church on sundays to make his wife feel good...and spoiled his grand children as best he could....

they do go to a better place,,,,

I'm really sorry you are going through this. My father died in a nursing home several years ago. They had been giving him morphine. He was not happy with me, accusing me of "sticking him in some religious joint." but at that point I had no choice. He was 87, inconmtinent, and incapable of taking care of himself. He died within a few days. It was a very unsettled time with a lot of incompetence by the nurses around him (not ALL, by any means, but a few that made life extremely difficult.) There was no one but me to be there, so no other relatives to share with.

I don't mean to burden you with my story, but to let you know that, yeah. This stuff happens. It's not pleasant. And you just have to grit your teeth and do what you can. You shouldn't feel guilty that you didn't treat him well enough in the past an all that, another natural thing to think. The fact is, he made some of his own choices. See if you can't get away for a bit. Treat yourself, go to a movie or anything that might get your mind off it for just a little while.

Good luck. Sorry.

The responsibility should not be on you....You can walk away and not hold his hand when he leaves this earth and everyone will understand....Go home take a nice bath go to bed and hope for the phone call...I'm a nurse and the death bed scene is not for eveyone...

reply to post by rubbertramp


The fact we deny those no longer wanting to live their right to death is appauling. But the simple fact is there would be too much beurocratic red tape on who can make that descision. Think of mentally disabled people far beyond the grasp of typical communication. How would we know? Who would choose? That is why legal suicide will never be readily available. However, for seniors, it really doesnt make sense. They should have everyright to have a large dose and go easily into the slumber.

I too have watched loved ones wither in their last days and then pass. Its a sad part of life, one more so recently as medical science has fascilitated us to live increasingly longer. My grandfather could not take the death of his wife, 55 years married when she died. Two days later he took his own life by hanging himself in their back garage. Me, the eleven year old I was was unfortunate enough to walk onto that unpleasant sight. Now, if he could have gone to a hospitol and was granted a large enough dose of valium or something to peacefully end his life. I might not have had to stumble apon his body. That is one upside to country run suicide.

reply to post by rubbertramp

I wish you much strength, patience and peace. At least you know his outbursts are uncharacteristic although I daresay it doesn't make it easier to see/hear. Judging from your description I imagine he is in much pain and mental torment. Morphine is generally reserved for the more serious conditions. My thoughts and best wishes are with you both.

reply to post by rubbertramp
Each situation is unique.
I've been there. My younger brother. It's never easy.

All I can do is say a prayer for you and yours.

Peace.

beez

I give my condolences.

It's a tough thing to watch a loved one pass away. Especially when they are in pain.
My uncle had cancer and was in pain for some time. It spread through his body and there was nothing to do but watch him slowly get worse. His liver was failing and he eventually started to look yellow/orange. My family all went up to Michigan to visit him because we knew he didn't have much longer. I sat with him until he fell into a deep sleep on the couch in his house, and then finally stopped breathing.

Death is a natural part of life. Just as natural as birth. It hurts knowing you will not be able to share memories with that person any longer, but it's an inevitable part of life, and something we all go through.

The best thing you can do for your father is be there with him whenever you can. Talk to him, reminisce with him, even if he's not himself. Remind him of things, let him know you love him. Do everything you can so that when the day comes where he finally passes, you don't have any regrets. Regrets are what end up hurting.

Make peace with your situation.
Let life run its course.

Take care.

I truly feel for you. I have been through this twice and it is soul destroying to all involved.
Those who make these decisions based on life being precious, i can only assume have never had to endure this terrible situation themselves. If they had, i feel certain they would quickly reverse this hateful law.
If you look at it from another angle it truly puts it into perspective. Imagine for a moment, that your family member, be it mother, husband, wife or whoever, has been given a lethal injection that will kill them slowly, and you are FORCED to watch them die in front of you by criminals wanting information. They will only give the cure if you give up that information. It then can be seen as it REALLY is. A 'TORTURE' !!
All of us who have been through this have been tortured mentally by these bastards who believe they have the right to play GOD. And believe me, for anyone who has not been through this, it truly does feel like a torture and it stays with you for the rest of your life.
To watch the life of a loved one end right before your eyes, to see, hear and feel their last breath of life, whilst they have suffered right up to last with chronic pain and fear is heart breaking, soul destroying but above all, so totally unnecessary.
The law should be changed without delay.
Peace be with you OP.

Sorry you have to go through that. When my ex girlfriend's father was in his last days, he was the same way - really mean to everyone around him - and they had him on high doses of morphine. Sounds like it might be a common thing so I wouldn't take it to heart. He definitely isn't himself.

I went through this. It is exhausting and feels like it will never end. I am so sorry, I feel for you. Do what you need to do to live with yourself, it that means doing the vigil, then do it, if not, by all means go home and wait for the phone, as zbeliever said. Blessings

man thats tough ! i pray for you friend. i dont know what to say and i wont pretend to. be strong and remember him as you would like best! damn i wish i could tell you what to do,i've dealt with enough misery lately.
all i can say is be there for him and try your hardest to let him know your love
all the best friend peace

reply to post by Danbones


Clinically dead 17 times? wow, did he ever talk about seeing anything while dead?

OP I hope his and your pain will soon be over, let's hope we all go to a better place after all this.

You have my sincere and heartfelt sympathy-i cannot even imagine how heartbreaking this must be.I think its absolutely obscene that euthanasia is illegal,in a civilised society.A society that allows abortions on demand..but wont allow a suffering,terminal patient a more merciful way out.This is hypocrisy of such a high level the mind boggles.Once again,my sympathy.

Originally posted by _Phoenix_
reply to post by Danbones

 

Clinically dead 17 times? wow, did he ever talk about seeing anything while dead?

OP I hope his and your pain will soon be over, let's hope we all go to a better place after all this.

edit on 18-3-2012 by _Phoenix_ because: (no reason given)

he kept on bootlegging and selling smokes and doing his thing
kept a lot of people employed, never missed a pay
he was a very "lust for life" type man
we called him a dry land pirate because he was real east coaster
a scaliwag...
and he loved every minute of it

because I never delved into his privacy other then the statements he volenteered I am going to guess from his behavior....
and from being there for my loved ones...who had a touch of the (lovable) pirate about them too, and some of whom were veterans who did what soldiers do

we go to a better place and not to worry
the pain gets left behind

only read the first few replies, will get to the rest shortly.
seems the question of ending this type of situation is the fine line between removing a breathing tube or similar vs; injecting enough drugs to accomplish this.
i almost wish he was incubated, but he is not.
personally i really don't understand the difference but maybe someone thinking straight can explain.

Originally posted by zbeliever
The responsibility should not be on you....You can walk away and not hold his hand when he leaves this earth and everyone will understand....Go home take a nice bath go to bed and hope for the phone call...I'm a nurse and the death bed scene is not for eveyone...

interesting concept, but it just ain't gunna' happen.
he was always there for me and this is the absolute least that i can do.
sorry if you took this post as a complaint more than just the rant that i meant it to be.

I am so sorry to hear this. I will pray for you to have the courage and strength you need at this difficult time. And if you don't mind...a hug just because.