Just looking for some answers

Hello friends, acquaintances, and strangers. I have been wondering exactly what my problem is. For some reason there exists a strange conflict within my head. On one side stands the desire for a special bond with another in an intimate way and on the other is the one that stands for being alone, wanting to no one to be close to me, and fights using ruthless emotional warfare to win.

Take for example. I am just thinking, which I do way too much of, and it is about how lonely it feels sometimes. How it would be fantastic to have someone to share my thoughts, feelings, and daily events with. One with whom a mutual reciprocity of intimate feelings exists.

Then after pondering such a thought for some time, the opposing force interferes. It proclaims the unnecessary interference into my personal time such a relationship would cause. This would require time, effort, and energy which I cannot be entirely sure I want to invest in another person at this time.

Do I really want to go out on some date? Is it really worth spending the money to engage in such an endeavor? And more importantly, am I sure this is even something I actually want to commit myself to? If my life seems appropriate, although often lonely, at this time, should I really reach out into the unknown? All of these are challenging questions which haunt me, resulting in indecision. In the end, the side arguing in favor of independence wins; probably out of my own complacency.

So then it has me thinking, am I feeling lonely simply because of some perceived societal pressure to attach oneself to another? No one has directly told me that I need to be involved a relationship. Then is it my own perception of what I should be doing or is it actually a sincere feeling of longing? Perhaps, I often consider my best bet is actually to forget about any feeling of loneliness; my future is solitude.

The problem is that, I sometimes feel as though I am forcing myself into wanting this rather than it coming naturally. That instead of worrying about some relationship with another person, I should nurture my own life through travel, study, and understanding. What typically compels humans into desiring an intimate relationship does not really exist for me. In many aspects, I find a sense of closeness to the character Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory; although we do differ quite a bit in many areas.

What do you ladies and gentlemen of ATS think? Am I inflicting this sense of loneliness upon myself due to a perception of societal expectations, is it a genuine loneliness which calls out for intimacy with another, or something else entirely (give some possible helpful answers)? I am not sure if this is important but I suffer from a mild form of General Anxiety Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder. Also, I am not uncertain of my sexuality – which is heterosexual.

Toss a coin

Life is full of variables and unknowns. You keep looking back and say "What if this, what if that"...

The only way to find out is DO IT.

I use to be just like you, I had a great career, money, toys and all the other fun stuff but what I was lacking was compassion of any sort. I had friends but didn't want to be around them too much and the occasional girl friend for a night or two till I felt she was getting close then off in the wind she went. I began to try a serious relationship and after 8 years and being treated like a door mat and the fact she was untrue to me simply just to do it, I was back to the recluse from before just much more bitter. After quite some time a chance encounter when I was truly not looking for it I met my now wife of over ten years, and I can truly say she was what was missing in MY life.

The thing is some people thrive as a couple and others do just as good alone never missing that connection with another, but the only one who can make that decision is you. Oh and keep in mind just because you want to be alone for now doesn't mean u won't have a chance encounter later in life if its right for you, just don't let anyone tell you what's right for you its your life live it as you see fit.

EDIT: if ever you need someone to talk to just holler, I don't mind lending you an ear if it helps.

reply to post by Misoir


thank you for sharing OP... they are very personal thoughts....
first thing i would like to do is send you a hug.... [hug]

you may not feel you need or want those, but sometimes having one once in a while doesnt do any harm....

as for answers.... i think only you have those. you can be in relationship or single... it depends on whats right for you at the right time... if you're feeling lonely maybe go out and have some fun... and you shouldnt feel pressured by society at all... maybe this conflict in your head has come about because maybe you are longing for some sort of intimacy or relationship, but you're too scared to try... dont live life on what if's, if we all did that no one would ever do anything... i have been in a relationship now for just over a year.... im female and my partner male, he is somewhat older than me but that bothers neither of us.... before i met him i had given up. i was sick of being treated like crap, taken advantage of and being hurt. so i thought well maybe im meant to be on my own....

surprisingly that thought didnt scare me at all... i do very well living on my own and im generally a happy person... but then it all changed i met my partner when i least expected it... out of the blue. and i truly love him.. i have never loved before and i have to say it is an euphoric feeling! but at the same time love is truly difficult and trying.... it hurts but its fantastic at the same time.... its the yin and the yang - you need that balance with everything.... sometimes i think why do i bother, sometimes this love causes me more pain and hurt than ive ever felt... so why do i do it?

because its awesome, because its elating, its indescribable... you have to have felt it for you to know...

if you feel you want to be alone and you can cope, then thats fine and there ain't nowt wrong with that... but i think everyone at some stage in their life needs or longs for a companion... someone they're close to, someone to share their deepest darkest secrets with, someone to love....
but if it happens it happens... if it doesnt it doesnt.... there is a reason for everything... and you'd be surprised but love comes knocking out of the blue and when you least expect it....

i hope i have given you some food for thought... ive just drawn on my own experiences... but ultimately you have all the answers, we all do... its just whether we want to know them or not.

best wishes to you OP, take care
fluff x

Given what you have said about yourself, on your blog and here, I suspect you fancy yourself an intellectual, a conservative, and a Christian, a rather rare commodity on ATS! I wonder if your best approach might be to continue your interests in that vein in the hope of encountering someone with similar interests, perhaps via the church. It seems to me that a relationship that does not include those elements that you hold near and dear is not one worth pursuing and would result in disappointment. If someone comes into your life with similar interests, it may very well be worth pursuing.

I think that given your attraction and avoidance issues that it would be very easy for you to "try too hard" in the beginning of a relationship. People can sense that rather easily, so the key here is to cultivate an attitude of, "If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, that's okay, too." I don't mean to imply that you fake an attitude; I mean for you to get into that space. Also, given your religious propensities I would guess you have moral issues vis-s-vis physical relationships that may be at odds with the rest of society's rather lax ideas about those sorts of things--all the more reason to look to the church as a kind of starting point.

I say this to you as a person who prefers being alone and is not at all socially inclined, but who has a very good long-term relationship. It can happen.

reply to post by schuyler


You are right in that I am a Christian conservative and would like to think of myself as an intellectual. While I have considered finding a match via meeting in Church, often those one meet there are uptight in personality but more relaxed on belief; I happen to be the opposite. I enjoy classic rock (60s, 70s, 80s), very crude comedies, and do not mind being around people who are partying or acting stupid, because I have a relaxed attitude but a very strong belief system. You probably understand what I mean.

As for the trying too hard at the beginning, that seems quite possible. But that type of personality has been something I have mostly gained control over because anxiety disorders do not control themselves. The way I try to handle things is basically saying – if it is God’s will then it shall happen.

Also, yes my moral beliefs on physical relationships are very conservative. But as stated earlier, I get along in society generally; just do not actually engage in its immoral acts.

Take all of this as constructive critism. It takes a lot to post something personal like that, so I'll star you simply for that reason.

You seem to think too much. You said it yourself. You also said that you have a couple of mild anxiety disorders. Maybe all that thinking leads to the anxiety of doing? Just a thought. ( But don't get too deep into it )

You also question if realtionships are "worth it" and your own sexuality. I don't know how old you are, but it sounds like you have a bit of experimenting to do. You also sound like an intellectual. Both the way you worded your post and the topics of your blog. My advice, especially if you talk like you write, find someone on your own intellectual level, man or woman, and go from there. If you hit it off, then go for the intimacy. Then, simply to satisfy your own self doubt, do the same with a member of the same sex you are. I can't personally relate to the issue of questioning my own sexuality, but it seems that if you do, you should try both "teams" if you will to see which one suits you best.

You bring up the money issue of going out on a date. That's a small price to pay, especially if both of you split the bill, to find out if you're the dating type. Remember, the person you're on a date with will probably be just as nervous as you are, and the bottom line is you know full well that you're not going to spend your entire life alone. The fact that you're even questioning all the things you are tells me that you're ready to at least try. It tells me that you want someone in your life. You're just nervous because maybe you never have. The first time someone does ANYthing, they're going to be nervous and probably not be too good at it. Whether it's going on a date, having sex, or shooting pool. That's just the way it is and everyone knows it. I haven't met a man yet who wasn't nervous as boy who first started talking to girls. I was the same way. Hell, after all these years and scars to show to for it, I still get nervous around a certain type of woman. ( Wipe that smile off honey, you know who you are )

I know a man, I won't say who is he or how I know him, who waited 49 years to have a relationship with a woman. 49 years. That's a long time to wait. Along the way he lived a relatively good life. Got an excellent education, traveled a bit with his job (technical support for the Air Force) and made an overall success out of himself. He was a bookworm. He should've. He was seemingly content with doing all that alone. Then one day over a family get together about 9 years ago, he finally broke down. I won't say exactly what happened, but the bottom line was that he finally got tired of fighting himself. He got tired of wondering what it would be like, and whether it would be "worth it", to have a relationship with a woman. Now, here he is at 58 with 3 kids with the oldest being 6 years old. You do the math.

Don't get me wrong, he's happy. He has a family and he's sharing his life with someone he loves. He doesn't have nearly as much money as he did, but I think that was mainly due to poor planning on his part. It wouldn't be how I would want my life to turn out, but if he's happy, I'm happy for him.

Bottom line.......quit thinking so much. You seem to have done a pretty good job at analyzing everything, so take that as a hint to yourself that you'll also be good at doing what you're thinking about doing. Give yourself a boost, and a phone number while you're at it. It helps more than you may know. Hope this helps friend. I'll leave you with this:

reply to post by Taupin Desciple

You seem to think too much. You said it yourself. You also said that you have a couple of mild anxiety disorders. Maybe all that thinking leads to the anxiety of doing? Just a thought. ( But don't get too deep into it )

That is of course a good theory, and one I have considered as well. It is quite likely due to my consistent over analysis and overthinking of rather mundane topics that cause multiple hypothetical scenarios to occur to me. All of which lead to further discouragement.

You also question if realtionships are "worth it" and your own sexuality. I don't know how old you are, but it sounds like you have a bit of experimenting to do. You also sound like an intellectual. Both the way you worded your post and the topics of your blog. My advice, especially if you talk like you write, find someone on your own intellectual level, man or woman, and go from there. If you hit it off, then go for the intimacy. Then, simply to satisfy your own self doubt, do the same with a member of the same sex you are. I can't personally relate to the issue of questioning my own sexuality, but it seems that if you do, you should try both "teams" if you will to see which one suits you best.

Actually I did not question my sexuality – I stated that there is no doubt about my heterosexuality. As for finding someone on my intellectual level, it is quite hard finding a person with such thought whilst holding the views I do… there are not exactly millions of “intellectual” Christian reactionaries around as you can surely tell.

You bring up the money issue of going out on a date. That's a small price to pay, especially if both of you split the bill, to find out if you're the dating type. Remember, the person you're on a date with will probably be just as nervous as you are, and the bottom line is you know full well that you're not going to spend your entire life alone. […]

Generally I would say it is something I am ‘ready’ for, depending upon the meaning attached to the word in this context. Trying something new has not always been my strong point, especially with my anxiety disorders, unorthodox beliefs, and strong self-criticism. And considering that I have never actually been in any relationship before, it is definitely not an easy transition for a 19 year old guy who spends most of his time with a book in front of him.

reply to post by Misoir


Misoir, there is nothing to be scared of... Everyone goes through it. Losing your virginity is as natural as breathing.

All kidding aside, you shouldn't force yourself one way or another - Just carry on with life, and if someone comes along and clicks with you, go for it. You always find it when you aren't looking. Just go with the flow. Worrying about emotional blackmail or other such things is counter productive.


Good luck : )

reply to post by Misoir


You are definately overthinking it and I understand the anxiety this causes but in the meantime life happens.

Sometimes one has to kiss a lot of frogs to find that one person, sometimes not, but agonising over it only increases the pressure on you which I'm sure you don't need.

The right person will be there for you but also appreciate that you need some alone time too. The right person will cherish those quirks in your personality because they are you.
Don't settle for someone who wants to change who you are but do allow yourself to be open to experience - it will be fun finding out. Never underestimate fun.
You don't need to have the exact same interests and outlook as a potential partner but you do have to like them and more importantly, allow them to like you.
Good luck

I think you are young, like under 25, right? I gather that from something you wrote.

You need to go out and be meeting women now, bro. This is prime time. You don't need to tie the knot and settle down, but these are the years when its easiest and best to get women for most men. On the other hand, there are dangers to that because men make decisions based on hormones that we often regret later. I'm talking marriage, son. So my advice is go out and have a string of cheap, tawdry relationships or one-night stands because when you get to be an old broken-down middle aged dude like me there is no hope for you anymore and all you will have is your memories. So might as well make them good memories of lots of beautiful women than angsty memories of sitting around agozining about a lack of affection in your life, which is what you'll be doing as a middle-aged man anyway, no matter who you are.

One man's opinion.

You're 19?

You might also want to try re-defining your standards. Not so much lower them but change them a bit to where you can be a bit more flexible. If you can't find someone on your level, at least find someone you feel has the potential to be so both of you can work on it.

#

Another thing. You are very, very smart for your age. You are an excellent writer, look at your output here. You are ten zillion times as mature intellectually as I was at your age.

Given that it makes it hard to relate to most people around you I bet. So your future seems clearly bright to me and you will come into your own someday, it might be tough for you for awhile.

Fortunately we have facebook, plenty of fish, dating sites, etc. If I were you I'd use that to try to find somebody in the area with similar interests.

reply to post by Misoir


You're way overthinking this.....

Just because you go out on a date doesn't mean you're making any kind of life-altering commitment. It's just a date, or two, or five, etc.

Get a girl, take her out, have a good time, and THEN see what happens. Having an agenda or end-goal in mind is NOT what this is about. Just have fun and see where it goes man...

you might consider getting a dog. besides being loyal and affectionate, they are great icebreakers for meeting people.

i have always believed you meet the nice girls in church, not in a club.

Don't be afraid to be who you are...

Why not go for a woman not as intellectual as you? Why can't you be her teacher in life?
You see relationships are NOT a mirror image of each other. You share experiences and thoughts and intellect of various degrees. My other half is far more intellect than me and has been my teacher and has shown me completely different views on life. I give him love, security, fun and I have comedic qualities that he finds endearing.
I can talk to him on a intellectual wave but at my intellect and he sees that I can come up with thought provoking ideas, just not as powerful as his. He may stand taller than me but I'm his backbone.
I hope you seen where I'm coming from.
You also don't have to have a relationship where you are constantly in each other lives. Some women like their own independence too but still want a man to share some times with.
Be friends with women, go experience the wide emotional encounter that you get from the opposite sex. It will add to your knowledge of life and take loniness out of your life for whatever time you want to spend on it.