Originally posted by andypb
reply to post by BO XIAN
The strange thing i find is,(and the kids told me this), that sometimes she breaks down crying, and saying things like,"oh you love your dad more than me" or " your dad has turned you against me".
It's like she can't see how she treats the kids.
I've told the kids that when that happens, then it's the perfect time to let her know the problems they see,
and talk about how their treated.
OK, let me see if I'm too tired or can be a little creative . . .
"Mom, We don't want to hear such words ever again. Dad simply is too much of a gentleman to do that. And, EVEN IF he did that, we wouldn't comply. Actually, it sounds like you are projecting your own habits onto him. And we don't appreciate that."
"We respect the respectable. When you act like a mature loving healthy Mom, that's great. When you act like a spoiled, petulant, selfish 2 year old, it's hard to tolerate being around you, much less to respect you."
"When you treat us like your 3rd rate pets--to be near and carressed WHEN IT SUITS your whims--and to be ignored or harrassed or rejected or whined to or whined about interminably when you are out of sorts--that's crazy. We don't appreciate it. We'd rather be anywhere else but around you when you act like that. Why would you expect anything different?"
" Mom, like the rest of us, you will reap what you sow. If you want quality relationships, you must act like it. Acting like a cactus and expecting a warm fuzzy rabbit in return is crazy and immature. Knock it off."
"We expect you to treat us with respect and caring. That's your duty as a mother. When you don't, we will pull away just to protect ourselves. Expecting anything else is crazy."
"We would like to caution you. If you play enough sick games with us . . . if you push us away too often or too crazily--then it will be virtually impossible to establish a truly loving and mature mutual relationship again. You don't have an infinite number of chances with us. We are not indestructable. Our relationship with you is not indestructable. If you need to learn how to have a healthy relationship--get counseling. If your counselor isn't doing a good job, find a better one."
"We understand from your tears that you are disappointed and hurting. Frankly, a big part of us just no longer cares about your crockadile tears. You have only yourself to blame for your pain. When you fail to invest sacrificial self-less loving relationship stuff into our lives--what do you expect? You seem to think that the world has to revolve around you for you to be even civil or decent to the rest of us. Guess what--it doesn't. The world is not going to revolve around you--ever. Get over it. Grow up."
"Treat us as you want to be treated. Not just when you feel extra rested and generous--ALL THE TIME, DAY IN AND DAY OUT. It's called maturity and healthy adulthood. If you don't know how to manage it--find out. We are not your parents We shouldn't be having to be trying to help you grow up. That's an upside down crazy kind of family system. We hate it."
"In the future, if you start blaming and ragging on Dad, we'll just walk out of the room. If you keep it up, we'll walk out of the house. Frankly, often, we'd rather sleep on Dad's floor than put up with your whining blaming self-centered poison."
"If you want us to treat you like a healthy wonderful affirming adult Mum, act like one."
I don't know that any of the above sentences would fit for your kids or their situation or their Mum.
Maybe they will trigger some alternative ones that might fit better.
I am curious what your response might be to the above . . . and, actually, to what your kids might think of the above if you feel it fitting to share it with them--at my request so you need not feel responsible. LOL. But I can understand how that might be too convoluted and complicated to do for a number of reasons. So no sweat if it's not wise in your judgment.
Bless you and them.