*Off Topic* Need help with petition writing please!

I need some help. I would appreciate any feed back that you could give.. I am trying to petition a bill to pass that effects a family member but I want to make sure everything is on point before publicizing it. I am horrible with grammar and punctuation so any mistakes you see please point out! Thanks in advance for your time!

On New Years Day 2012, John ******* was the designated driver for his wife and friends so they could enjoy a safe evening out. Around 2:00 A.M., John was helping a friend out of the car, when a car struck him. The driver fled the scene, and John rushed to University of Pennsylvania Hospital and listed in Critical Condition while the driver was no where to be found. John suffered numerous broken bones, torn ligaments, and brain damage. A neighbor of the hit and run driver called police when they realized the damaged car in the parking lot, which had a concealed bumper, windshield, and missing license plate, matched the description given by the new of the car that struck. Upon police inspection of the car, the suspect then confessing and turned himself in. Since the accident, John has been placed back into Intensive Care with severe brain damage. He is currently unresponsive while the driver is home, enjoying life, having yet to see a day in jail or be prosecuted for his actions. While the sentencing date has yet to come, what he may be charged with under the current law is a slap on the wrist compared to what John and his family are experiencing. We NEED Justice for John! According to the Standard Speaker, Pennsylvania State Rep. Phyllis Mundy claims there is a loophole that exists providing drunken drivers with a reason to leave the scene of a crash if they killed or injured another person. Under the current law, a person can face a minimum of three years in jail if he or she is intoxicated and stays at the scene of the crash and is then taken into custody, but the penalty is only one year in prison for drivers who take off after an accident and are arrested when the alcohol is gone from their system. THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE!

In writing a petition their is no set way with many variations due to different authors and issues. Most important is to be short, clear and concise in what you are asking for. The first sentence is the most important to get the readers attention, so could start with something like:

"The penal system is currently encouraging drink drivers involved in an accident to leave the scene of the accident by reduced sentencing. A drunk driver who stays at the scene of an accident does get 3 years sentencing while a drunk who flees only gets one year. This petition calls on (who?) to change (what law?) for a more fair implementation of justice."

The practicability of such a change is tough as the questions of evidence are raised. How drunk was the driver, what supporting evidence is their? Without having a breath test or blood sample at the time it is difficult to peruse. There have been similar cases going on for years here in Australia. Good luck with your endeavours and challenges.

Originally posted by kwakakev
In writing a petition their is no set way with many variations due to different authors and issues. Most important is to be short, clear and concise in what you are asking for. The first sentence is the most important to get the readers attention, so could start with something like:

"The penal system is currently encouraging drink drivers involved in an accident to leave the scene of the accident by reduced sentencing. A drunk driver who stays at the scene of an accident does get 3 years sentencing while a drunk who flees only gets one year. This petition calls on (who?) to change (what law?) for a more fair implementation of justice."

The practicability of such a change is tough as the questions of evidence are raised. How drunk was the driver, what supporting evidence is their? Without having a breath test or blood sample at the time it is difficult to peruse. There have been similar cases going on for years here in Australia. Good luck with your endeavours and challenges.

Exactly. If change is what you're after, then describe exactly what it is you want changed and reflect how it should look when change has come (equality of outcomes for offenders, etc.) to what it should look like when changed.

Sending heartfelt wishes of strength and love to John, his family and friends.

reply to post by Britx


I'm not too sure how you are going about this petition, but as another / additional avenue for you, you may want to visit the whitehouse.gov petition page where you can create a petition for people to sign and post it on there

Whitehouse.gov Petition Page

Sorry to hear about John. I agree with what your saying the perpetraors don't get what they deserve.We just had a young guy come out of a coma after so many months in one and his mother was considering pulling the plug, So here's hoping a something similar happens with John. As for the petition you coulld also check out petition.org, this is where the young lady went to that got Bank of America to drop its plans for charging a $5.00 debit card fee.Wish I could help you further your grammar and spelling seems o.k. to me. Good luck!