Must love cats. [CWC]

“Oi! Will you quit licking that damn thing in front of me?!” Stupid cat. All it ever does is lick itself. There. Yeah, you know where. Swear it just does it to get a rise.

Then it looks up. Cross-eyed again, with the tongue hanging out. And... just sits there, looking at me, like it’s waiting for further instructions or something.

“Idiot,” I mutter, rolling my eyes as the cat comes out of it’s trance and decides licking its tail is preferable to getting yelled at. After deciding the cat truly is stupid, I rise from my computer and grab a cigarette and my lighter from off the kitchen table, my quest complete with a cold beer from the fridge.

Outside it’s nice and warm, just gone dark, the stars are hanging over me against a not-quite black sky, the last wisps of blue and gray far off in the western horizon. Falling heavily into a outdoor plastic chair barely rated for my obese frame, I lazily pop the top off my beer, allowing it to fall to the decking. I’ll get it later, I swear. Like the other dozen or so. Squinting against the sudden glare of my lighter, I take a long drag, enjoying the pungent aroma the tobacco provides. I feel a fluffy sensation against my leg, looking down to see the cat has joined me outside. It sits down promptly by my foot, for once, not licking, not scratching, just staring straight ahead, out into the yard. I strain to see what it sees in the near darkness, must be eyeing off some birds it couldn’t possibly catch. Too stupid.

“What are you looking at idiot?” I state, not really concerned with a reply. The cat looks up at me, seeming to stare straight through my grin as I give it a small pat on the head. The cat starts purring softly, but keeps its gaze seemingly over my head, not moving. Then I notice it. It’s gone cross-eyed again. No tongue this time though, just that idiotic stare it gives me when I yell at it. In the soft light I notice its eyes are glowing slightly, I pay it no mind until a light catches my attention from the peripherals of my sight.

A bright star shoots across the sky, barely above the line of the tree-tops, drawing my attention away from the cat. A shooting star, no big deal. Seen plenty. As the thought crosses my mind though, another streaks across the sky, seemingly slower than the first, and disappears beneath the tree line. I nod in approval.
“Two wishes. Cool,” I state, turning back to the cat. “What should I wish for?”

“How about to lose some weight fatty?” The voice comes from below me, and has the bearing of an English nobleman. I pause, the hair rising on the back of my neck. I slowly look down, to see the cat following another trail of light across the sky. Then it looks at me. Intelligently.
“Did you?-“ The cat nods, silencing me. Its rubbery mouth opens.
“That’s one wish. Maybe another would be that your foot will stop burning.” At this point, sudden epiphany hits me like a freight train. My foot was on fire. I gaze down to see the cigarette I previously had in my mouth atop my big toe, slowly giving me a perfectly circular third degree burn. I jump up quickly, brushing hot ashes from my skin, howling in pain.

The cat laughs at me. I kid you not. Laughs. Like a kid when you stub your toe and they think it’s hilarious. That kind of laugh.

“So whos the idiot now?” the cat states matter-of-factly, stifling another laugh. In the side of my pain addled brain and blurred vision I see another streak of light pass close by, then slow. Yes, it slows. The cat turns its attention from me to the now paused light hovering above the trees.
“What is this?” I squeak as the light intensifies above me, the cat staring at it intently. After a moment of silence, several more streaks runs slowly across the sky. Aliens? UFOs? My mind boggles at the lights above me.
“Transmission received. Initiate stage three. Understood,” The cat says matter-of-factly, turning its attention on me.
“What are you?” I breathe, fighting down a huge urge to run, the first time I had in many years.
“Unit Seven-Double-Oh-Six. Infiltration Unit,” the cat replies, the eyes glowing again. I think to move, too late, as the creature that used to be my cat leaps on my chest.
“What do you want?” I blurt out, the cat’s weight huge on my chest. It seemed to smile, giving off an evil laugh. Behind it other lights begin to descend toward the ground.

“Well,” the cat begins, “we are scouts. Sent here to record your every move, your every thought, your every desire, to our Masters waiting in the next system. So that when the time comes, we can easily exterminate you.” I begin to hyperventilate as the cat leans closer.

“We sit by, putting up with your idiotic comments, your kicking and hitting us, your kids – don’t get me started there – all the while recording your every move. And, just like sheep, you invite us into your homes, let us sleep on your bed, and what do you give us? That crap you make us ingest, while you chow down on steaks and donuts all day long. You disgust me, you bloated sack of meat and fat.” I am totally bewildered at this stage, barely noticing the light in the sky had become a silver disk, that had landed in my backyard, setting fire to the lawns I had intended to mow for quite some time.

“How do you send the information?” I ask, my eyes darting back and forth between the disk and the cat. It seemed to roll its eyes, leaning ever closer.
“Well, you know that stuff you clean up eventually? Think of it as little flash drives.” I watch in horror as a door begins to open on the craft, the fires in my backyard dying down. A greenish light spills out from the interior of the craft, and I could make out dark shapes coming out, but I couldn’t pull my terrified gaze away from the cat’s malicious stare.
“So guess what fatty? Remember those worming tablets you stuffed down my gullet a few weeks ago? Remember that collar you strangled me with? Remember that bath you gave me?”

“It’s PAYBACK TIME!”

I scream.

i take it this is another submission for the short storie contest?
nice job had me laughin out loud a couple times
s and flag

Your cat looking at me, will never be the same!

S&F

reply to post by thebestnr1


Yes, it is, everyone seems to be going tongue-in-cheek Mars Attacks style atm, so I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon...

Cheers for reading and flagging

reply to post by sonnny1


Thanks for the replies

And yes, that is my cat. Known to most as Garfield, known to me as Sped-cat.

I dedicated this work to him (hopefully he won't anal probe me when his masters land....)

Made me laugh out loud a few times, good story! Just like cats too! And he is a very cute kitty