reply to post by cloudyday
I don't exactly know how to explain it properly but I will let you know what its like. As most people are taught you have a small voice inside that
explains what is right and what is wrong and there are emotions that are tied to that voice.
When I was younger between the ages of 3-7 I would do bad things while I was asleep, I would have night terrors, I would leave my house and go into
other peoples homes luckily my parents were friends with our nieghbors and they understood my problems.
My step father would beat me to try and fix the problems however all it did was make me hate him. By the time I was 7 my stepfather and I were no
longer on good terms and I was not sleeping very much. I would have extremely vivid dreams of dying in many different ways and I would have dreams
that I was just having a normal day and then wake up in a panic attack... which made me question even when I was awake if I really was.
Right before my 8th birthday I stuck my hand on a moving wheel of a tractortrailer my step father drove... I knew it was wrong to do but I couldnt
stop myself.. I cut off three fingers at my middle knuckles and didn't feel a thing yet I remember it all. I with drew from the world after that.
Retreating into comics and novels.. I found Steven King and somehow reading his books made me feel better.
I went to therapy because I was freaking my mother out by talking to myself and I had gotten kicked out of church and started failing school even
though I knew the work.
That was about the time I realized I could hear my demon... not just in words.. pictures.. colors.. feelings.. dreams.. I started to hunt animals and
I was good at it.. I built traps and would use slingshots and fishing poles and hooks to catch and kill lots of things. I would get sexually excited
seeing the power I had catching things and kiling them... sometimes even torturing them. Sick.. I know. However I never felt bad.. in fact I really
didnt feel anything and for a long time I didn't feel anything at all.. except for arousal.
So you see I knew there was something in me that needed to be fed, and I was not able to understand why and what and I had very little control... I
caused alot of damage and pain from the age 8-14. I hated life, in my eyes everything should've burned. At 14 i became an alcoholic which helped
because I would drink myself stupid and wouldn't dream about anything when I slept. I also started having sex which occupied my time as well as my
I'm rambiling and I don't know if this is making sense.... I think for you to get it you would have to see the world from my eyes.
At 18 after graduating I went 2yrs doing more drugs then anyone I've ever met. In short I was trying to kill myself and couldn't, I've eaten over
50 hits of really good acid in one nite and over 80 in a 3 day period.. I would do 20 pills of extasy a night, I would eat unisoms which are a
sleeping pill in mass doses to get messed up. Many of those that tried to hang with me died.
Then my daughter was born and I felt my first emotion in over 10 years... I cried and I don't know if it was the 2years of hard drugs or that new
experience my demon went to sleep and was completely silent and I saw the world through my own eyes and it was completely different.
I stopped doing all the drugs just like that. I went to the military and got fit.. I came home and took custody of my girl and have been working hard
Thing is after a few years I started feeling that demon stiring again. I was able to think clearly and thoughtfully at that point and reconized what
was happening. I accepted myself and the things I had done in my past and I didn't hate myself anymore. I had become a good father a hard worker and
a decent person..
But yet my demon is there.. when I stand at a train platform and a train is coming I think about pushing the person in front of me onto the track.. or
i think about me jumping.. I think about driving my car into head on traffic and many other destructive things..
So now I hunt for food, legally and respectfully.. all I kill I eat.
When I feel the wings opening and the claws squeeze I will get a bottle of rum.. or some drugs and go away from people.. normally camping with a big
fire and fresh meat and vegtables.
Its very hard sometimes to control and their may come a day that I can't I cannot say anything is certain. I just feed its needs... which this site
does alot... end of the world senerios is like cake to it. It believes most of us will burn... yet I will drown. Sucks.
Ok well the doctor says its time for my medication, I hope you found the summary of my life interesting