Pretend to stay married because she dont want her parents upset?

reply to post by leemachino


Explanation: Hmmmm?

Call and and tell her parents what she proposed and then ask them if that was how they raised her to be!

Personal Disclosure: Then let them take care of it because she is clearly too immature to have even been married or to have kids in the 1st place!

I just want to say how very sorry I am that you have to deal with this. It is heart breaking and will hurt for some time I'm sure, but that living arrangement won't work. You deserve better than that. My heart goes out to you and I wish you strength and courage in this difficult time. HUGS!!!

Im going to play a bit of devils advocate here, you say you work nights and your wife works days, it's apparent she obviously has been feeling somewhat alone in the relationship, you can still probably fix this, sit down and talk to her, suggest you quit your night job, or her leave the day job, compromise.

My partner found it difficult when we first got together as I was working nights for over 7 months, and it strained things, so I changed my routine, fortunately I feel my relationship with my partner is more important than a job, or working a particular shift, why sacrifice your family for a job?.

Lastly, she may be seeing if you will come around to leaving your job, but she genuinely despise you for making her feel alone.

Just work on it and I hope for the best for you.

I think you should call her parents and tell them straight up what's going on.
That is exactly what I would do. I'd tell them to get control of their daughter for you to move on and live your life stress free.

reply to post by leemachino


You say wedding vows to eachother; the guests were witnesses to that commitment NOT an audience to a stage play. I can't blame you for being upset it devalues the whole ceremony.

She is asking you to be her puppet.. it sounds like she already has a plan to promote someone else to being "more than friends" while demoting you to being "just friends". She would not make such a proposal if she planned to never have sex again.

Ditch her.

(but get evidence of her request first- she sounds like she plans ahead so best you do the same)

One thing to keep in mind is child support. You will have to pay for your own, but the step-child is another mans responsibility.

Originally posted by LightSpeedDriver
reply to post by leemachino

 

never lose contact with your kids, never stop telling them how much you love them and when possible, surprise them. You will etch yourself into their memory. Otherwise they are gone.

That's the best advice I've seen yet. That should be priority number 1.

Second, get your finances in order.

Thrid....get your own place. If you both work different shifts that part shouldn't be so hard to do if you feel making a "clean break" is the best way to go.

Between the 2nd and 3rd, find a girlfriend. Even if she is a one or two night stand. Then....invite her over for dinner with the wife......see how THAT works.

n9sEBBCIZ54

reply to post by leemachino


Sorry to hear about how messed up things are. Yes, it will be difficult, but you've got to get your ducks in a row now so things work in your favor.

Before you do anything, get a tape recorder and have it going while you have her discuss this little "arrangement" she wants.
Then, take this tape to a divorce attorney and don't be shy about telling him that you want the house and full custody.

Good luck and best wishes.

Originally posted by DaTroof
Get out now.

If it hurts this bad now, wait until she's asking you to babysit while she goes out with other men.

Ditto the above...You know were this is headed op. If she wants to make a break. Then make a clean break and move on. Lingering because she don't want anybody to be upset is a slow path to a sort of living hell.

I feel like somebody is stepping on my throat and kicking me in the nuts at the same time. I'm not sure if I handle put myself through such an arrangement. Meanwhile she is already carrying on as if nothing happened. Talking and joking like everything is as it should be.

You know for somebody who does not want her parents to be upset, she sure don't mind if your more then upset...Obviously she is crazy, and does not really like you at all. And possibly playing some sort of game, if she is not clear, then cut trough the crap make what plans need be made for the kids and all, then move on.

I know if we split we can maintain a pretty good friendship but the deceit she is proposing is tearing me apart inside.

That just might be the answer. The two dread words most dudes will ever hear. Try and see how she likes hearing them coming back at her. Since she already decided, it's kind of clear what you must do...So oblige her...Just friends.

Well she has admitted that she is doing it for selfish reasons. I told her to seek counseling if she's willing to derail our family for personal reasons.

I've talked with her parents and they were none to happy. Being her parents they have seen the signs and told me she has done this in past relationships. (The father of the stepson is another story, he is a deadbeat). They have seen her ruin good relationships over selfish reasons.

She insists that it has nothing to do with wanting to see others. I do believe that. She wants a single lifestyle. To be able to travel and do what she wants when she wants. She mentioned wanting to travel with the children. I won't let that happen. They need stability and I have her parents backing on that. I don't have much of a family of my own to rely on and no matter what happens I think I will always have her's. My inlaws are really great people.

Today I have started seperating our finances and I will be looking for a place close enough that I can see my children everyday. I love my stepson as one of my own. I have been raising him since he was a baby. I won't split my children away from him.

She says she just needs some time to figure out herself. I gave her until Easter. In the meantime I have spoken with an attorney to have everything ready should things not work out.

I still love her with all my heart. She has taken off her wedding ring and that makes me think I'm going to have an answer much sooner and it won't be good.

My neice recently split with boyfriend of many years. It's been two months and now they are getting married. Go figure. Maybe after your girlfriend has time alone she will reconsider. Who knows?

reply to post by leemachino


Try to save the marriage first. Your children at least deserve that.
If you have to, do what it takes, if it means finding a day job.

And no, you can't pass like ships in the night and expect the marriage to survive. That is the fault of both of you.

go to counseling, get a good counselor. Only when you are sure you can leave with a second thought, do you do it.

People on ats always complain about the 50% divorce rate but yet the first problem someone has they all jump up and scream for you to leave.

Just because she says this, doesn't mean the relationship is over.

If you do the same thing you always did, you get the same thing you always got.

so go do something different, and try to reset the marriage.

Children come first. Period. None of this, you have to be happy crap. You both made the decision to have children, they come first.

Because splitting bills, holidays and households suck for them, and suck for you.

Originally posted by nixie_nox
reply to post by leemachino

 

Try to save the marriage first. Your children at least deserve that.
If you have to, do what it takes, if it means finding a day job.

And no, you can't pass like ships in the night and expect the marriage to survive. That is the fault of both of you.

go to counseling, get a good counselor. Only when you are sure you can leave with a second thought, do you do it.

People on ats always complain about the 50% divorce rate but yet the first problem someone has they all jump up and scream for you to leave.

Just because she says this, doesn't mean the relationship is over.

If you do the same thing you always did, you get the same thing you always got.

so go do something different, and try to reset the marriage.

Children come first. Period. None of this, you have to be happy crap. You both made the decision to have children, they come first.

Because splitting bills, holidays and households suck for them, and suck for you.

My parents stayed together because they were catholic, and for the children. They fought like cats and dogs. They ended up hating each other, tried marriage counseling...it didn't work. They did more damage to us kids by staying together. All 6 of us kids ended up in adult counseling dealing with the aftermath of living in a dysfunctional, tense environment.

People who say , stay for the kids, it doesn't matter if you are happy....don't know what they are talking about.

Children deserve 2 parents, who are both happy. Miserable parents raise miserable children.

Plus, from what I've read of what the OP posted...it doesn't sound like his wife is too into being a good mom right now. Probably, most of the burden of raising happy children will fall on him. jmoho....

reply to post by Destinyone


If the situation is extreme, I agree with you. And I have heard people say this before with dysfunctional parents. But in this case, cat and dog fights don't seem to be the problem. They can probably fake it if they have to.
But I am not saying to just pretend, but to actually start the marriage over again, do counseling, start dating again, make any arrangements you have to, to reconnect with your spouse.

It seems the only problem in this marriage is communication and distance.

reply to post by leemachino


To tell the truth your situation does not sound all that bad....Who knows what is going on in her mind, but I bet that she does, in fact it just sounds like she is bored and is looking for some adventure or something. Traveling the world might be cool and all but it aint all its cracked up to be, and traveling with children is not really all that good of an idea, mostly because they will never really get used to one place and friends, all that stuff that kids need, like you said stability.

she says she just needs some time to figure out herself. I gave her until Easter. In the meantime I have spoken with an attorney to have everything ready should things not work out.

I still love her with all my heart. She has taken off her wedding ring and that makes me think I'm going to have an answer much sooner and it won't be good.

Oh what the hell, it sounds like she wants you to guess what her problem is. So bro, I suppose its time to start the guessing game.

I think she is just looking for fun, attention, lovey dovey stuff and all that other stuff the fairer gender seem to like so much....Who knows maybe she even wants you to be all dramatic and stuff for her to stay or something...Or more likely since she did this before and it did not work, she might want somebody to give her the cold shoulder, Wow your problem is like a total headache.

I would say give up, giving up is always an option, and it does free up time to do other stuff...Or you can continue guessing, sooner or latter you will probably hit the spot that's bugging her...Anyways since you say you still love her, leave the door open, and see what happens. You know you cant figure somebody out, if they cant figure themselves out.

reply to post by nixie_nox


I'm hoping that I can do everything you said. I really am trying to work it out and it will take time. I am going to prepare for the worst though.

Miserable parents raise miserable children.

That's really it in a nutshell. You both seem to realize it's over.
Detangling the life you built together into separate pieces isn't going to be easy, but it is necessary, simple as that.

Eventually, you'll both be happier people and the children will benefit from it.
If you can liquidate anything and get in a trusted friend's name...might be a good idea...

dont just walk - RUN !!!!

not worth the stress , heartache and aggravation to stay in a situation like that. learned the hard way then wised up and walked.
plenty of better women out there ....

Originally posted by leemachino
I'm 2 months away from my 5th wedding anniversary. I have 2 young children with her and a 7 year old stepson. His dad is a deadbeat. Today my wife tells me she wants to be friends only. She says we have to keep it together as a front because stepson has been through a lot. Also her parents are very fond of me and she don't want them mad if we divorce. So she wants us to pretend to be a couple and live together but nt be together.

I feel like somebody is stepping on my throat and kicking me in the nuts at the same time. I'm not sure if I handle put myself through such an arrangement. Meanwhile she is already carrying on as if nothing happened. Talking and joking like everything is as it should be.

I know if we split we can maintain a pretty good friendship but the deceit she is proposing is tearing me apart inside.

Excuse my wording here, but you're in an excellent situation to gain the upper hand.

If you felt you wanted to, you could gain the upper hand in filing for divorce with an attorney. You'll be setting the pace and you already see that this woman is no longer interested in a serious experience with you. The mere idea that she wants to continue the charade may actually become an advantage to you in divorce court.

Get to it before she does, though it doesn't appear she will. It's her anxiety that bothers her. She doesn't want her parents mad because she dislikes dealing with it. Her worries have become reality and she wants you to keep up the farce. You'd be encouraging her anxious behavior and decision by continuing to keep up.

Either way, I don't have a gain in which way you choose to go and leave with it your choice on how to proceed.