Pretend to stay married because she dont want her parents upset?

I'm 2 months away from my 5th wedding anniversary. I have 2 young children with her and a 7 year old stepson. His dad is a deadbeat. Today my wife tells me she wants to be friends only. She says we have to keep it together as a front because stepson has been through a lot. Also her parents are very fond of me and she don't want them mad if we divorce. So she wants us to pretend to be a couple and live together but nt be together.

I feel like somebody is stepping on my throat and kicking me in the nuts at the same time. I'm not sure if I handle put myself through such an arrangement. Meanwhile she is already carrying on as if nothing happened. Talking and joking like everything is as it should be.

I know if we split we can maintain a pretty good friendship but the deceit she is proposing is tearing me apart inside.

Get out now.

If it hurts this bad now, wait until she's asking you to babysit while she goes out with other men.

reply to post by leemachino

I believe what she is proposing is in direct contravention to the marriage vows. In any case, the only thing that counts in a marriage really are the 2 people who entered into it. All the rest is...icing on the cake. If it was me, I'd be filing for divorce after having talked it through with her to see if she is willing to reconsider her proposal. Staying together for the kids does not work imho.

It sounds to me like someone wants to have her cake and is eat it too.

There has to be an underlying problem here, so get to the bottom of that first.
And no need to air the dirty laundry here on ATS, if its personal, keep it that way.

But find out what the underlying problem is, address that and then see where it goes.

I cant promise you it will get easier, but I can tell you that it will, but it will probably get harder before that.

Communicate with her, and then go from there.

reply to post by leemachino


Give it a little bit of time, day(s) or so and reassess. Talk about it more with her. If you really care about this person, and obviously care for your children, then present your case, and show her with whatever it is you feel is right, how much you care for her and the relationship.

That sounds pretty whacky of her to just go out and say "oh lets just be friends" when you're married and have three children together. Maybe just a bad hair day?

Sorry you're having to feel this

Yup get out, if the love is gone its time to move on.

Plenty of good life left to enjoy for you both without apeasing a third party too!

you already know you should leave. lol.
2nd

You might not believe it, but the kids will pick up on your plan. You'll see it when they get older and develop a funky logic to how a relationship between a man and a woman works

She is cheating, does not want to destroy th mirage she is showing her parents and thinks she can control you, you peon(not really a peon) EXACT same thing my brother went through almost verbatim. She wants your financial security net, just not you. Using you unfortunately, if this is exactly what my brother went through.

reply to post by leemachino


Honestly, I don't think that's such a good idea. For one thing, it is completely unfair to you. Not only will it make it difficult for you to emotionally heal, but it will make it next to impossible for you to move on. Have you thought about going to counseling to see what's going on in your wife's head? Maybe she is going through something. Whatever the case is, don't let yourself get walked on. You deserve to have love and happiness and to be treated right by the person that you are with. It's hard to deal with the breakup of your family, and to know that your kids will no longer have their mom and dad in the same home. I have been through this myself. But, things do get better, and the kids are okay. If you and your wife handle things well and in the best interest of the kids, they can still have a happy family and enjoy time with both their mom and their dad, just in separate homes. You deserve the right to recover from the hurt and emotions that you are going through right now, and to rebuild your life and to find someone else when the time comes that you are ready to move on. It will be almost impossible for you to do that if you are living in the same house. I hope it all works out okay for you (even though I realize right now that it seems like it never will). My thoughts and prayers are with you.

reply to post by leemachino


Im sure that your break up would hurt all those invovled but it's not you who is causing the hurt, it sounds to me like your wife doesn't want to look like the bad one. She is drowning you with guilt trips, if I where you I would tell her of course we can remain friends, and I will continue my realtionship with both my step son and in laws if they wish. But I'd be dammed if I would pretend all is cool just so she doesn't get to look bad, sod that!

I'm so sorry you are being put into this pain. I'm a woman about to offer some advice.

Don't stay for the children, they are much smarter than we give them credit for. Also, this arrangement she is asking you to live...is a lie. You can't be happy living a lie, no matter what the reason.

It's a win-win for only her. She is using you, her excuses of why you should agree, are playing on your emotions. She is attempting to manipulate you to get what she wants.

The last thing I'll say...I've know 2 other women who said pretty much the same thing to their husbands. What their husbands didn't know is...they were cheating on them.

Divorce is messy...she'll have to roll in the mess she created, and not expect you to keep the sh*t off her.

Good Luck.....

Des

reply to post by leemachino


I would say go ahead and get the divorce. You don't want to stay in a marriage just because of the children. You have to be HAPPY and if you are not happy with whoever you should not be with them. I have a friend that is not happy being with his wife and I've been telling him for years to get away that it will just cause you more pain.

Well you might still of been happy but I agree with the guy couple posts above me...she may be cheating and just wants your financial support.

reply to post by leemachino


Sounds like she wants a security net.
I'm sure as soon as this "phase" is over, boredom, new boyfriend, Etc. she will proclaim her undying love for you.
I say get out before alimony is possible, the child support and spousal support will be bad enough.

(Edit)
Or if you are the dirty sort, say sure we can do this!
Then bring home all of her friends and co-workers.
Have her babysit while you get your freaky little thing on!

Originally posted by leemachino
I'm 2 months away from my 5th wedding anniversary. I have 2 young children with her and a 7 year old stepson. His dad is a deadbeat. Today my wife tells me she wants to be friends only. She says we have to keep it together as a front because stepson has been through a lot. Also her parents are very fond of me and she don't want them mad if we divorce. So she wants us to pretend to be a couple and live together but nt be together.

I feel like somebody is stepping on my throat and kicking me in the nuts at the same time. I'm not sure if I handle put myself through such an arrangement. Meanwhile she is already carrying on as if nothing happened. Talking and joking like everything is as it should be.

I know if we split we can maintain a pretty good friendship but the deceit she is proposing is tearing me apart inside.

What in the name of #?

I've heard of the "I just want to be friends" line, but to pull that crap after 5 years of marriage and 2 kids is CLEAR evidence of some kind of mental health problem. I'd be on a 3 way call with a custody lawyer and looney bin warden.

reply to post by britelite1971


I agree with britelite1971 (good advise), you deserve happiness. A marriage should be about love and caring for one another through thick and thin. All relationships hit rough spots and there is often pain and hardships. Work with your spouse and see if you can figure this out together. But set ground rules, you can't be expected to suffer pain alone. It can't be all give and no take. Your family deserves happiness and everyone would suffer if this ruse she has requested was played out. You can't hide pain and misery and not expect your children to pick up on it. Children are smart little fella's. I hope you can work it out my friend, if that is what you desire. You tell her you are not a doormat to be stepped on. Stay positive and good luck!

Deep down I know what I have to do. The hard part is getting through the initial shock and coming to terms of it all. Then not being able to be with my kids all the time.

To be honest with myself I probably should've seen it coming. I have been working nights and she has been on dayshift. Its been that way for 3 years now. We've kind of been single parents living in the same home. I just want believe our bond was stronger than that.

I only took the night job because the money is great. It abled me to send my children to private schools and take my family on several trips a year and a home in a good safe neighborhood. She didn't need to work but she loves teaching and I could never ask someone to give up something they like.

I think when I start the process of seperating our finances it will become as real for her as it is for me right now. That's going to be hard because she generally took care of the paperwork(making sure the bills got paid etc)I can't fathom the thought of a custody arrangement. I just don't know up from down right now.

reply to post by leemachino


Suggestion, before she knows you have decided to toss her idea...please make sure you have a separate non-joint bank account with some funds in it that she can't wipe out. Some women, no matter how well you think you know them, will wipe out a joint account at the first sign of an impending divorce. Fairness should prevail on both sides in these matters.

Good Luck, you sound as if you know what you are doing.

Des

reply to post by leemachino


I'm very sorry that your wife is so selfish... Funny how someone can rip your heart out while smiling at you.

reply to post by leemachino

Speaking as the child of a "broken home"...never lose contact with your kids, never stop telling them how much you love them and when possible, surprise them. You will etch yourself into their memory. Otherwise they are gone.

Your second post does also hint at financial issues if you don't mind me noticing. Obviously I don't know your situation or the environment there but...it sounds like you are away a lot and miss much of home life. Perhaps the conflict is more closer to home? Just a thought. Be well and think it through my friend and you'll be fine and so will your children. Not as fine as if Mom and Dad had stayed together but sometimes things are just what they are. I feel for you although I've never been married I was with someone for 10 years although the last 2 were awful. I'd walk in, she'd walk out. Separate lives.

Peace