Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
Originally posted by speculativeoptimist
reply to post by guohua
If your an ATS member, no need to call, we already know where you are, and sorry, there is no help available.
Please call Boncho, he is in a band and has a wagon with some room on it.edit on 27-2-2012 by speculativeoptimist because: (no reason given)
Originally posted by N3k9Ni
I was depressed last night, so I called Lifeline.
Got a freaking call center that turned out to be in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.