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LAME jokes...the THREAD!!

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posted on Feb, 26 2012 @ 10:03 PM
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Two hunters are out on the woods when one of the collapses.He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency servise.

He gasps at the operator:"my friend is dead. What can i do?"
The operator in a calm soothing voice replies:"Take it easy.I can help.First let's make sure he's dead".There is a silence,then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone the hunter says:"OK now what?"




posted on Feb, 27 2012 @ 09:43 AM
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Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."



posted on Feb, 27 2012 @ 11:48 AM
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how do you get pikachu on a bus.....

poke him on



posted on Feb, 27 2012 @ 12:55 PM
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This is another kick the slats out of the cradle internet jokes, but it is my all time favorite.

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with air borne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshield of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made to borrow the gun. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatter proof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified, the British sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just one sentence: "Thaw the frozen chicken first!!"



posted on Feb, 27 2012 @ 01:04 PM
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Conjunctivitis dot com..

That's a site for sore eyes.



posted on Feb, 27 2012 @ 02:51 PM
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Q: What do a warm toilet seat and a prostitute have in common?

A: They both feel good but you wonder whose been there before.


_______________________________


Did you hear about the latest serial killer?

All of the victims were found floating in a pool of milk.

(sorry about the spelling typo)



posted on Feb, 27 2012 @ 04:38 PM
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what do you call a fly with no wings?


a walk

edit on 27-2-2012 by spaceg0at because: (no reason given)



posted on Feb, 27 2012 @ 06:13 PM
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What's round and bad-tempered?
A vicious circle.



posted on Feb, 27 2012 @ 09:30 PM
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reply to post by Phantom traveller
 


What did Spoke find in the toilet?

Captains log.



posted on Feb, 27 2012 @ 11:22 PM
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Originally posted by Mister_Bit
Conjunctivitis dot com..

That's a site for sore eyes.


+1 for the Tim Vine gag

Been using that one myself the last month.



posted on Feb, 28 2012 @ 03:46 AM
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reply to post by NuminousCosmos
 


so @#$% funny...



posted on Feb, 28 2012 @ 09:38 AM
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what do you call a naked blonde doing a hand stand?


a brunette with bad breath



posted on Feb, 28 2012 @ 10:45 AM
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Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.

The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said,

"I think they could be bird tracks."

The second blonde went to look and said,

"No, I think these are deer tracks."

They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!

===================================================
A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,

"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
=======================================================
A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,

"I can't take this, you're my friend."

But the blonde insisted saying,

"No. A bet's a bet."

Then the redhead said

"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied

"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"



posted on Feb, 28 2012 @ 11:35 AM
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Two parrots on a perch. One turns to the other and says, "Can you smell fish?"



posted on Feb, 28 2012 @ 11:36 AM
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Originally posted by curious7

Originally posted by Mister_Bit
Conjunctivitis dot com..

That's a site for sore eyes.


+1 for the Tim Vine gag

Been using that one myself the last month.
So simple and yet so funny!



posted on Feb, 29 2012 @ 01:59 PM
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Drinking habits can be dangerous. You can choke on the cloth and the nuns will wonder where their clothes are.


No offense to the Catholics among us



posted on Feb, 29 2012 @ 02:44 PM
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A plane is plummeting to a certain, unavoidable, crash into a mountain side, a virgin steps forward and cries out 'Is there a man here who came make me feel like a woman before I die?'

A guy steps forward taking off his shirt and passing it to her. 'Here, iron this.'



posted on Mar, 1 2012 @ 02:34 AM
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What do you do with a dead chemist??


Barium



posted on Mar, 1 2012 @ 04:39 AM
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Q: Why does Snoop Dog need an umbrella?



A: Fo' drizzle



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