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LAME jokes...the THREAD!!

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posted on Feb, 25 2012 @ 07:29 PM
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Since we're doing jokes, I thought I'd throw in a few from the late, great Rodney Dangerfield.





posted on Feb, 25 2012 @ 07:36 PM
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reply to post by N3k9Ni
 


Yes, thank you!!



posted on Feb, 26 2012 @ 04:20 AM
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First an apology to all the blondes, second this is all over the net, so I'm sure everyone has heard it, still it is my favorite blonde joke


This blonde is driving down an old country road when she spots another blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat.

She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief, she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while.

When she can't stand it any more, she calls out to the blonde in the field,
'Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?'

The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, 'Because it is an ocean of wheat.'

The blonde standing at the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field,

'It is dumb blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name.'

The blonde in the field just shrugs her shoulders and begins rowing again.

The blonde on the side of the road is beside herself and shakes her fist at the blonde in the field yelling,
'If I could swim, I would come out there and kick your a%@#



posted on Feb, 26 2012 @ 08:45 AM
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reply to post by ProudBird
 



Why did the Klingon cross the road?
To conquer the other side.

What do you call it when that Strategic Operations Officer on DS9 runs as fast as he can?
Worf Speed.

What happened when Yeoman Rand complained that someone had cut a peephole in her cabin door?
Captain Kirk promised to look into it.

What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage?
A croaking device.

Why did Worf change his hair color?
It was a good day to dye.

How many Borg does it take to change a light-bulb?
All of them!



posted on Feb, 26 2012 @ 10:15 AM
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I remember when safe sex was a padded headboard

I still have sex at 81. I live at 86 so it's not too far to go.
edit on 26-2-2012 by wigit because: (no reason given)



posted on Feb, 26 2012 @ 10:53 AM
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I was fortunate enough to get to go to the "Big Game" at Texas Stadium. I decided to walk around and see the sights before heading up to the nose-bleed section where my seat was located. I walked by a man already seated and next to him there was an empty seat where he had stored his jacket and souvenirs.

His seats were at about the fifty-yard-line ten rows from the field. I asked him how such a great seat could be going unused. He said he and his wife had purchased these seats but she had died. I told him how sorry I was to hear of his loss but still had to ask one more question. "Sir," I asked, "Don't you have any friend or relative you could offered the seat to?"

He replied, "No, they are all at the funeral."



posted on Feb, 26 2012 @ 10:54 AM
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This thread is so fun! Love the Star Trek jokes
The sex at 81 was funny too!


What did the triangle say to the circle? You're so pointless.



posted on Feb, 26 2012 @ 10:58 AM
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After opening the first restaurant on the moon, Bob was disappointed to receive only 2 stars in the newspaper's restaurant review section.

"Great food, no atmosphere."



posted on Feb, 26 2012 @ 11:10 AM
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Bad jokes, heard quite a few in my time


Mary Rose sat on a pin, Mary Rose.

She was only a Whiskey maker, but I loved her still.

What happened to the blonde who tried to commit suicide by shooting herself?
The mirror broke

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the bathroom cabinet?
She did not want to wake the sleeping-pills

A blonde, brunette and a redhead work in the same office. Everyday at exactly 4pm the boss leaves the office but the rest of the staff work until 6pm.
One day whilst on their lunch break the three women agree that there is no way the boss could find out if they slipped out early just after the boss does and they will still get paid for two hours work.
4pm comes and like clockwork the boss is off out of the office, the group of women wait for a few minutes and off they go.
The brunette decides to go for a meal with her husband before going home.
The redhead decides to go for a haircut before going home.
The blonde goes straight home to find her husband in bed with her boss, she sneaks quietly back out.

The next day the group meets up, the brunette enthuses about the meal she had with her husband, the redhead shows off her haircut but the blonde speaks up and says "I am not doing that again, I nearly got caught!"




posted on Feb, 26 2012 @ 11:39 AM
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The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spendada money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary??"

Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go picka her up."



posted on Feb, 26 2012 @ 11:43 AM
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What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?
The Presidential Seal
edit on 26-2-2012 by Iamschist because: (no reason given)



posted on Feb, 26 2012 @ 11:48 AM
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station... and then the fight started...


***************************************************************************************


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...
edit on Sun 26 February 2012 by ProudBird because: (no reason given)



posted on Feb, 26 2012 @ 12:14 PM
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Captain’s Orders

A long time ago lived a Royal Army Officer named Captain Bravado.
He was a man, a real man, a man that never showed fear facing the enemy.
One day, while navigating on the seven seas, he saw a pirate vessel approaching.
His crew was very nervous. Captain Bravado ordered :
- Go get me my red shirt!
The first officer went to get his red shirt and the captain quickly put it on.
He then led his crew into battle and killed all the pirates.

That night, while men were celebrating their victory, one of them asked the captain:
- Captain, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?
The captain responded:
- If I was to be hurt during battle, my blood wouldn’t have shown on my shirt. And my crew would then battle to the end, without fear.
All the men looked at him with admiration…what a brave man!

As the sun was rising the next morning, the crew saw not one but TEN pirate ships approaching.
All the men looked terrified while waiting for the captain’s orders.

Captain Bravado quietly looked at the 10 vessels approaching, turned to his first officer and very calmly said:
- Go get me my brown pants!



posted on Feb, 26 2012 @ 12:24 PM
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Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

He sold his soul to Santa





posted on Feb, 26 2012 @ 12:45 PM
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Category = Poor English translations

A sign in a cocktail lounge in Norway:

"Ladies Are Requested Not To Have Children In The Bar"




posted on Feb, 26 2012 @ 12:48 PM
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Category = Poor English Translations

At a hotel in Acapulco:


"The manager has personally passed all the water being served here"


It gets better....please add as you will.....



posted on Feb, 26 2012 @ 01:07 PM
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You asked.................

Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."



posted on Feb, 26 2012 @ 04:59 PM
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Hungarian = English


In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.



posted on Feb, 26 2012 @ 08:14 PM
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her
and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . . . . . .. .

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."



posted on Feb, 26 2012 @ 08:40 PM
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Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.




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