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LAME jokes...the THREAD!!

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posted on Feb, 25 2012 @ 03:02 PM
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Maybe this part of ATS needs an injection of humor....the "Lighter Side"?

SO.....to start it off (and as a counter-point to the wonderful thread titled Post A Funny Pic, I'm Bored.......here goes:



Why Italians Can't be Paramedics

Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly, Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "I think Sal is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence ? and then a shot is heard.

Vinny's voice comes back on the line,

"Okay... now what ?


source


There are MANY more....just wait until the "third half of the show".....you will see!!


'Car Talk'


They leave me ROFLMAO most of the time...hope they will for you, too.....




posted on Feb, 25 2012 @ 03:05 PM
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Confucius say:

"Man who farts in church, sit in own pew"



posted on Feb, 25 2012 @ 03:18 PM
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What did the old pirate say on his birthday?

"Aye, matey"



posted on Feb, 25 2012 @ 03:23 PM
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what has four wheels and flies?






a garbage truck

edit on 25-2-2012 by spaceg0at because: (no reason given)



posted on Feb, 25 2012 @ 03:25 PM
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Two peanuts were walking down the street, one was assaulted.

A woman runs up to a pastor outside of a church, and asks: "Is mass out!? Is mass out?!"
The pastor replies: "No, but your slip is showing."



posted on Feb, 25 2012 @ 03:32 PM
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Why do rats have small balls?

Only 10% dance...



Hint- Cinderella went to the (four letter word that starts with b and rhymes with call)
edit on 25-2-2012 by THEDUDE86 because: (no reason given)



posted on Feb, 25 2012 @ 03:35 PM
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Q...Whats brown and sticky ...
A...A stick
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q .. What do you call a Deer with no eyes
A... No idea

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q .. What do you call a Deer with no eyes and no legs
A... Still no idea

You did say lame
I'll get my coat



edit on 25-2-2012 by gortex because: (no reason given)



posted on Feb, 25 2012 @ 03:36 PM
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I can never remember but about 2 jokes...

Two cannibals were eating a clown one day. one cannibal turns to his friend and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"



posted on Feb, 25 2012 @ 04:36 PM
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i was hounded with this joke for ages from my children.

what do you call a donkey with 3 legs? ...... a wonkey



posted on Feb, 25 2012 @ 04:38 PM
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels!



posted on Feb, 25 2012 @ 04:49 PM
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reply to post by ProudBird
 


whats brown and rhymes with dr dre,




snoop doggy dog

edit on 25-2-2012 by R3velutionR3quired because: (no reason given)

edit on 25-2-2012 by R3velutionR3quired because: (no reason given)



posted on Feb, 25 2012 @ 05:37 PM
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reply to post by THEDUDE86
 


I truly Laughed Out Loud at this one.....truly:


Why do rats have small balls?

Only 10% dance...


Bowing down to greatness....it is epic!



edit on Sat 25 February 2012 by ProudBird because: (no reason given)



posted on Feb, 25 2012 @ 05:55 PM
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A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Give me some chapstick and put it on my bill."



posted on Feb, 25 2012 @ 06:05 PM
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Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother under a tree?




posted on Feb, 25 2012 @ 06:07 PM
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reply to post by baddmove
 


ok that one made me spew!



posted on Feb, 25 2012 @ 06:10 PM
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reply to post by baddmove
 



After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired.

He told the circus owner he was going to retire.

"But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"





posted on Feb, 25 2012 @ 06:12 PM
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Tommy needs a day off from work, but has used up his usual arsenal of excuses. So, he decides to try something different.

He calls work, and says he won't be in as he has a bad case of 'anal glaucoma'.

There is silence on the other end as (His Boss) asks him just what 'anal glaucoma' is... to which Tommy replies, "I can't see my butt coming into work today."



posted on Feb, 25 2012 @ 06:14 PM
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A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and tells the loan officer that she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The loan officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls-Royce, which is parked in front of the bank. She has the title and everything checks out, so the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

As the blonde leaves with the money, the bank's president and officers enjoy a good laugh at someone using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee moves the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it.

Two weeks later the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

As he hands the keys back to the blonde, the loan officersays, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and the transaction has worked out very nicely. But we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked your records and found that you are a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"



posted on Feb, 25 2012 @ 06:17 PM
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A guy goes into a restaurant and lounge, with his shirt open at the collar, and is stopped by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to get in.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn't have a one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation, he ties these around his neck, and manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant. The bouncer suspiciously looks him over for a few moments and then says, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in. Just don't start anything."



posted on Feb, 25 2012 @ 06:28 PM
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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.



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