Lets Just Have A Few Laughs!

So, I know this is a conspiracy website, but everynow and then it's good to take a break and just laugh a little bit. So what I am proposing is for anyonw who wishes to share a funny story, or a joke, or even a funny picture. I will start with a good joke that the ladies will love.


WHEN GIRLS DON'T PUT OUT"
(girls don't read this if u don't have a sense of humor)

This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart. and funny so just go with it

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like
it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.


The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets
get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that woman knows I'm smarter than her.

Lose the last line and it's a pretty funny joke.

s&f

Classic.

Cue feminist trolls in....

...3..2...1...

ROFLMAO

That was just Toooooo Funny,,,,, and my English is not that Great,,, I read it twice

I'm getting my husband over here Right Now To Read This,,,,, He'll Die Laughing

Thank You, S & F

Here's one for you, I hope you like it.
The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in
the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:



Help yourself to any prize
from the middle shelf !!

reply to post by spaceg0at


That's hillarious.

Thank You,

My wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those tablets that "helps" get It UP!!

You should have seen the look on her face when I came back and tossed
her some diet pills!


I am still looking for a place to live.

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the
caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is
dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird... What did he
die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod..."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Si, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a
candle?!"

"Si, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she
was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf with
the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE...........LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in so much trouble!"

reply to post by guohua


HaHa, that's pretty funny.

Thank You.

reply to post by guohua


Now that's a good one. For some reason every ernesto line i heard cheech marins voice for.

Thanks.

Here's a few recent youtube videos that made my day





(gotta love a little pirates every now and then)

This one never gets old




ETA - One more, why not

reply to post by buni11687


Those russian ones are hillatious. I almost lost it with the enginneering student. That imperial march was pretty cool as well.

Thanks

S+F Yes we all need to laugh especially when we talk about these kinds of topics.

I paid a homeless guy $2 for this joke (well for this joke and one non-repeatable bad taste joke):

This State Trooper pulls over a guy going 90. As he's walking up to the car he notices there's 12 penguins in the back seat. As the man rolls down his window the trooper states,
"Sir do you realize you have an endangered, wild species in you vehicle? I pulled you over for speeding, but seeing your situation I must insist you take those animals back to the zoo immediately, so I will leave you with just a warning." The man merely replies, "Thank you sir!" then rolls up his window and leaves.
The next day the State Trooper pulls over the same car, going 90. As he's walking up to the car he notices the same 12 penguins in the back seat, this time they're wearing sunglasses! As he rolls his window down the tooper says, "Hey! I thought I told you to take those animals to the zoo!" The man replies "I did, they had so much fun that today I'm taking them to the beach, that's why they got the sunglasses!"

Here is another funny one I've got.

Don't know if you've heard this one before...
Tom Mabe pranks a telemarketer.

I Also Like This Humor.

Taken from www.exchangedlife.com...

US Navy vs Canada This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a U.S. naval ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN,THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse, your call.

Ok saw this one in a thread by ANNED. www.abovetopsecret.com...&flagit=811546

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange.

He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence. The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.--

Thanks ANNED, nice addition.

The Hooker and the illegal immigrant.
An Illegal Immigrant picks up a hooker and asks, "Hey, how much
you charge for an hour, sister?"
"$100" she replies.

In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?
"No," she says.

"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."
"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you $300."
"No," she says.

"I pay you $400.
"No," she says again.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now, I've
had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world,
so how bad could immigrant style be? So she agrees and has sex
with him.

Finally, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I
was expecting something perverted and disgusting, but that was ok. So,
what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."