Any advice on how to be less socially awkward?

reply to post by mossme89


Okay I agree with ANOK and I think you should listen to what he is saying!

The post you have made here is really off the topic of this forum and shows you like to elicit feedback from others and that you don't mind doing socially awkward things to get it. So I wonder if your problem really isn't attention seeking?

Knowing when to join in the activity at hand without attracting attention to yourself is rule one in being socially adept. If your body language is attracting attention and annoying people, the simplest thing to do would be modify it in the way people are asking you to (and it is better if you can take non verbal hints with this long before a person has to say something to you) and get yourself focused on the teacher, class and conversation and not yourself and other people's reactions to you.

The other thing I wonder is if you tilt you head back slightly? Because if you do this will make people very uncomfortable, especially when you are a part of the group but not contributing. Whether you are guilty of putting your chin in the air or not - not contributing can be a way of drawing attention to yourself (as you mention it has already) and can make people feel you are judging them. It's usually pretty easy to know when the group feels it's your turn to say something as they will simply give you a questioning look. Not answering at this point stops the whole flow and again brings attention to yourself and not the conversation.

You also mention that you often stare when your mind drifts off. Personally I dislike people using my face as a screen for their inner day dreaming projections. If you are not listening to someone, don't pretend you are by looking at them -- if you really can't concentrate, have the courtesy to make your daydreaming less obvious.

If people give you feedback that you are making them uncomfortable I think it is very important you learn to modify your behavior in the moment and not use this as an excuse to overanalyze people. We are wired to watch people and pick up cues as to whether we are boring them or maybe they find us intimidating etc. Adjusting to the feedback we get happens at many levels and is what respectful communication is all about.

It is also important that you know when you are being tested - a person may make a slightly intimidating remark to see if you are emotionally balanced or over reactive. If you over react they will judge you as someone they probably do not want to be friends with - if you are cool however and say yeah whatever??? and laugh or something confident like that - they will more likely think - 'He's okay'.

If you are making people uncomfortable however, the faster you adjust to the feedback and the less fuss you make about it the better. By the time someone has to come out and say you are bothering them - you can bet you have already crossed their boundaries by a long mile.

ANOK gave you a good straight and honest response to your question and coped a lot of flack for it too - but your answer seems slightly argumentative and like you didn't really want an answer to your initial question but really want all the focus on you. That is not sensitive on your part. ANOK was courageous in saying what he did and took the time to answer your question (even when your question itself was socially awkward). You would have done much better to say "Thank you" and consider it and let the conversation move on.

You might also want to check out the subject of circles of communication with babies. You can practice these circles with people of any age - if you are intimate with them - learning the natural flow of these may help you become more natural and less focused on yourself and able to allow a conversation to flow.

I hope this helps and all good to you!

reply to post by mossme89


These two books should be required reading in School. They will significantly impact your personal interactions with anyone. Our society is in so much need for the teachings in these books.

"How to make friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie
"Skill with People" by Les Giblin

Best wishes...

Hey brotha loved your post man! Im 30 now but i had ADHD to the tenth power when i was young. J,ust be yourself, love yourself, and dont take no # from anyone. Would you apologize if you had cancer? Also don't let people's opinion of you matter so much. Everyone's got flaws, believe me no one is perfect!

Booze dude, drink enough to not get drunk, but to losen up your tongue. After a while u will get used to people's reactiona and wont be afraid to say what u want to say or talk to whoever u want to talk and won't need th ebooze anymore!

reply to post by mossme89


Wow dude sounds like my life all through primary school and highschool (i'm australian and have ADD well diagnosed as a child anyway) Every little detail was something wrong to them in truth its really comes down to two thing 1. They feel you are smaller than them and therefore pick on you as a sort of conduit for there own problems, 2. they are jealous and thats true dude they dont like the way you do things because they dont get the option (or take the option) to do what you do your self and when you figure it out just boost your confidence up somehow and then shrug it off when they tell you off for doing something that you do because its your life,
tell them if they dont like what you do then thats fine thats their choice just asure them that you wont judge them the same way.

now if you do that you will get either complaints and back talk back but your standing up for yourself they dont like it then there not very good friends or aquintances

reply to post by mossme89


Don't change who you are, or how you behave socially for anyone ELSE'S comfort, or approval. You don't have to go through life searching for other's approval. Once you start down that path, you will find it not only impossible, but a never ending task. Just be yourself. This is a #ed up world, with #ed up people. And the majority of them are #ed up because they're trying to be something, or someone they are not. Don't walk down that path, it's the bumpiest of paths to walk.

Originally posted by NoClue206
1 - pick up your favorite beer
2 - drink said beer*
3 - go into any public place
4 - talk to random people, you never have to see them again anyway

* - repeat this step when needed

Then find a good rehab.

Really? How can this be good advice in your mind? Advising a student to drink? Are you serious?

reply to post by mossme89


Sounds like you have a bunch of excuses for your actions. Don't worry about what other people think of you.

I think getreadyalready covered the most important parts of what I wanted to say on the first page, but ill add my two cents here anyways.

Who cares what they think of you or what anyone thinks of you for that matter, unless you're in this thread trying to improve your social networking skills.

Also if that b%$#* tries to tell you what to do, tell her in no uncertain terms that she's harassing you and if she doesn't buzz off you're going to report her and every single thing she has ever said to you. Don't let yourself fall to the bottom of the pecking order.

Something I heard as a teen that stuck with me;

Be a dic# or an a hole, but never be a pus#y, because puss#3s are meant to be f'd. (Though I'm sure some gender confused will beg to differ)

reply to post by mossme89


Yeah stay home! Believe it or not most outgrow it. Dont let it run your life as best you can and keep in mind that all that really matters if family. Raise some kids and find a way to make a living that keeps you in your comfort zone before you know it life will be done.

reply to post by mossme89


First and foremost you need to get the thought of being socially awkward out of your head. If you believe it others will too. People tend to pick up on the way you carry yourself. Especially in a group setting. It's almost comparable to how a dog can determine whether your a threat or not. The best advice I can give you, being someone who was shy in H.S. and no longer has a problem interacting with people, is BE CONFIDENT! Your confidence will be recognized and make people feel more comfortable around you.

reply to post by AwakeinNM


Actually I agree, and I said something similar way back in the thread.

This is a college student, not a Jr. High student. Yes, if he has social problems, drinking will help! It loosens up your inhibitions, it puts you in a social situation, it helps you overcome your insecurities and eventually you'll be able to act differently without the alcohol.

It isn't the only advice the kid has received, there are plenty of other ways, but this is certainly a valid one to consider.

Ya know...LOTS of people feel socially awkward..me included. ( and I'm 48 yrs old). A long time ago I decided to just accept who I am, and not let it get me down if I'm not the person I wish I could be or that I see other people who I perceive to be really liked and popular and very comfortable with social situations. I just try to understand and love myself, imperfections and all!!

But I also rejoice in those moments when the stars align for me and I have a really good time with other people and feel acceptted. I sometimes thinks its the same for most people. Sometimes you';re "on" and sometimes you're not.

reply to post by mossme89


Every experience or situation in life is an opportunity to learn something, improve yourself, and decide how you will respond to similar situations in the future. The first time a man pushed his private parts onto me on a crowded train I had no idea what to do. I stood there wondering whether I should speak up or just patiently wait for the next stop. I finally chose to get off at the next stop and ended up being late for work. After that one time, I decided to never suffer in silence again. A year later, a man put his hand next to my butt so everytime the train jumped he would cop a feel. After a minute, I turned around really fast and caught his hand awkwardly flat and an inch away from bottom on a non-crowded train. I cursed him out with a few choice words and he ran off the train at the next stop.

I am not at all saying you should curse this girl out because it would be very unprofessional in an academic setting and you would gain nothing. But if your goal is to not be socially awkward, the solution is dialogue.

In any situation with any group of people, if someone communicates to you that they feel offended by something you have said and you truly did not mean to offend anyone, you are supposed to say "I apologize if you found that offensive, but I was not trying to be offensive at all."

What I am reading in in your post is that you believe your ADHD contributes to mannerisms and behaviors that makes others feel alienated from you. If you desire to improve your relationships with people, the solution is dialogue. Snnce your classmates were asking you to participate they clearly were not trying to alienate you, it seems like you are alienating you. Pull the group leader aside and say I kind of feel that you have something against me and I wanted to know if I ever did anything wrong to you? You might even feel why should I have to make the first step? Well that's what people do when they want to improve themselves, they try to be the bigger person and hopefully you will make her a better person for it too.

-Today I was working in a group with a few african american people and I said "so what do you people want to do?" They found me saying "you people" offensive. I just don't get how that's offensive. It's one thing if I say a racist name, it's another thing to say something like this. I don't see how the words "you" and "people" are offensive.

Tell them to go # themselves.

-I have ADHD and have a hard time sitting still. Sometimes while working in groups, I'm standing up and walking around when talking to people. That's just me, I work best when I'm moving around and thinking and many times don't even realize i'm doing this. But my group members said they found this intimidating.

Tell them to go # themselves.

-My teacher sometimes gives me a hard time because while she's talking, she says I stare at her. I don't do this intentionally but sometimes stare off when I'm thinking.

Tell her to go # herself.

-I'm an introvert and my group sometimes gives me a hard time because I'm not constantly talking like they are. They say I'm not contributing. I mean, I do. I'm just not constantly talking.

Tell them to go # themselves.

-There's this one girl in my group who seems to find fault with much of what I do and what I mentioned above, moreso than others. I'm sitting on my chair wrong, I'm not talking enough, I'm standing up too much, etc. I don't know why, but she has an attitude towards me and doesn't like me. Then again, she has an attitude in general so I'm not sure if it's just me.

Tell her to go # herself.

If you don't want to, give me their Facebook profile links. I'll tell them to go # themselves for you.

reply to post by AwakeinNM


yes I'm serious, yes it is good advice in my eyes. You know what the good thing about advice is? It's just advise, you can do whatever you wanna do.

Originally posted by getreadyalready
reply to post by AwakeinNM

 

Actually I agree, and I said something similar way back in the thread.

This is a college student, not a Jr. High student. Yes, if he has social problems, drinking will help! It loosens up your inhibitions, it puts you in a social situation, it helps you overcome your insecurities and eventually you'll be able to act differently without the alcohol.

It isn't the only advice the kid has received, there are plenty of other ways, but this is certainly a valid one to consider.

Lol, this is terrible advice! Yes, condition your mind by tricking it with alcohol. Obviously there are reasons for why he is the way he is, he should not just label himself as 'broken' because some other kids, who probably have a bunch of issues of their own, said he is 'different'. That is odd advice, especially for a mod on a conspiracy site. You essentially told him to conform to the norm so he can be 'normal'. Isn't it the 'norm' in America to disregard 90% of the topics talked about on this website, isn't that why this website was created in the first place, as an alternative platform for discussion outside of the 'norm'?

Didn't someone really wise once say, "it is no sign of sanity to be well adjusted to a sick society"?


I'm baffled at your post GRA. And I won't even go into the whole alcohol part.

You wan be coo? It EZ. You jus smoke rock, drank liqua, pop pills, take a bath. EZ. You a stah baby!!!! You gots rill talent now baybee. Slip under da wata. Stah powah.

reply to post by LifeIsEnergy

You essentially told him to conform to the norm so he can be 'normal'. Isn't it the 'norm' in America to disregard 90% of the topics talked about on this website, isn't that why this website was created in the first place, as an alternative platform for discussion outside of the 'norm'?

Where do you guys keep getting the idea that I said to conform? Conforming is what he is doing now! What I suggested was to picture himself the way he wants to be perceived, and then act out that persona until it becomes natural. I never once said to act the way others want him to act. In fact, most of what I suggested in my many posts was to embrace the confrontation and stand up for himself, which is the opposite of conforming.

reply to post by getreadyalready


Do you think I should confront my teacher also? I mean I don't have much of an issue of confronting other students, but get nervous with my teacher. Because she has the ability to fail me on a whim.