"Respect must be earned!" Really? Discuss

Exposing the problem
As I was leaving the house one day, a group of my offspring's friends were in the living room rapt in some sort of discussion. I had heard sounds of laughter and amiable exchanges, but as I entered the room to say goodbye one of them raised her voice to say that there is no way she would automatically respect her teacher or her boss. “Respect is something to be earned, not freely given.” I have no idea what issue brought about that remark, but there it was. I knew it was wrong. As I waved goodbye I expected my child would put her friend straight, but instead she agreed. And as I rushed to my car, I immediately questioned whether I had taught my children well. For I believe that this 'having to be earned' idea is totally totally wrong.

Many posters on ATS emphatically claim that respect must be earned and not asked for; nor must it be expected, let alone demanded. Now where did that whole idea come from I wondered, because that is not what I and my community taught our children. My children informed me that to some it's a deeply held belief and a value. A value? Really? I've heard it from many more youth than elders since then however, to the point that I wonder if that's being taught in today's school system. Where does this belief come from that respect must be earned? Facebook? Is it something that's developed in society and perpetrated by the media to the point that it's now common thought? Do you think this way too?

An opposite belief and behavior
Well before you answer, I would ask you to consider the following:
Regulated professionals (link)such as doctors, therapists, pharmacists, nurses, lawyers, engineers, etc have professional codes of conduct. Those professional conduct codes demand that patients and clients be treated with dignity and respect. Note: *Patients and clients expect it from the beginning and do not feel they have to earn it or ask for it. *

And if there is a problem, the profession's governing body has complaint and disciplinary committess that investigate and apply recommended disciplinary measures /sanctions. Imagine what it would be like if all those professionals dropped that code of conduct. Accredited institutions such as hospitals often display an accreditation plaque in a prominent place inside their front entrance that says their clients will be treated with dignity and respect. Check it out.

The Disconnection
So why do some believe this is a different value from the way we ought to treat each other? There is a huge discrepancy here, a major disconnect in our society, and I hope we can all discuss it and sort out some of it in an adult fashion.

Why on earth must anyone earn your respect in advance of your giving it? Are you so mistrustful of others that you expect rudeness, and feel you have to act defensively from the very beginning? Is it a kind of power trip that some people are on? Is it something you've heard somewhere or witnessed in the media and just thought it made sense so you adopted it and placed it in your belief system? I know that everyone has experienced being treated unfairly and rudely by some people in their lifetime, be it from family members, clerks, clergy, the odd teacher or professional and our government reps. We've all been there. But what prevents you from showing respect from the onset and expecting it in return?

Deny Ignorance says ATS
In the past couple of days I have seen posters pounce on newcomers without mercy, in a display of such rudeness and lack of civility that some posters asked if they ever had parents to raise them at all. What has happened? Is our society disintegrating to the point of no return? It's one thing to believe our governments do not show us respect, that Hollywood and tv networks treat viewers as mindless degenerate and uneducated beings worthy of a Jerry Springer-type audience. However, it's quite another thing for our society to display a lack of respect and civility among its fellow citizens. I ask that you consider what viewpoint you have on the subject and open your mind to what's happening around you. In the past few days I have witnessed an influx of rudeness to such an extent that it makes me wonder if certain other sites have been shut down, all resulting in their regulars coming to ATS in droves to drive our mods nuts and send regular members into apoplexy. As reflected in the posts, it is shocking many regular members into mute mode and made some wonder if they should leave.

If you are one of the ones who holds onto the idea that all respect must be earned before being given, consider how this goes against the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. Yes, it does. That belief goes against human rights.

After the most brutal world war II ended in 1945, the nations of the world immediately got together in San Francisco to form the United Nations. In the original charter, they immediately focused on the idea of human rights. That's correct, it was not an afterthought , but a part of the reason they decided to get together. People who are wiser than most of us brought this to light immediately. They wanted brutality to end, atrocities to stop and many worked hard to bring us forward into a world of fairness. We're still not there, but where is it written that we should ever give up striving for a better world and a more just society?

In the Millennium Declaration, Member States stated that they would spare no effort to promote democracy and strengthen the rule of law, as well as respect for all internationally recognized human rights and fundamental freedoms. In so doing, they recognized that while freedom from want and fear are essential they are not enough. All human beings have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.

(Bolding mine) Source
Notice the last sentence. Nowhere does it say people have to earn respect and dignity first.

(continued...)

It's time to rethink.
So now what? I can just hear some of you say, “Well what if we are not treated with respect and dignity? We can't just sit there like patsies and be used as toys by the ignorant, can we?” Notice there's the word dignity in that UN sentence. Dignity implies calmness and coolness. It certainly has no place in trying to degrade someone or trying to put someone down or 'show defiant attitude'. This thread is not about how to handle a situation after disrespect has been shown or mistrust has been earned. It's about the basic premiss that respect is a basic right.

How you deal with it is not to adopt values that set the world in a reverse spin from where it's trying to go. One way to deal with it is to tell the offender calmly (and without a hand on the hip and in-your-face attitude) that you have the right to be treated with dignity and respect. Memorize that last sentence. Say it calmly in front of a mirror until you convey that to yourself and others in a firm and correct manner. If you want and believe that people should treat you well, then replace that 'have to earn' nonsense. Insist in your mind that everyone has the right to be treated with dignity. And the right to be treated with respect. Not after they prove themselves, but from the get-go. In my experience, people have usually responded to courtesy and respect in a very positive fashion. If not, I actually calmly called upon them to treat me with dignity and respect. (You're having a bad day? “Shall we start over then?” -delivered with a genuine warm smile)

I invite your ideas and opinions, but please refrain from generation bashing. Remember the ATS T&Cs

Respect for me always starts out as a +1 for anyone.

Its upto them to gain more respect or loose it.

Thats my opinion.

reply to post by aboutface


Dear aboutface,

What a wonderful thought to bring up, I congratulate you, it is absolutely worth discussing. Respect, in my opinion, must be earned; but, it is earned by agreement. A professional earns it by going to graduate school. The license for certain jobs is earned before you are allowed to do the job. Other situations have it being earned by position, such as patient. Respect is situational, I may respect you as a mother and not as a employee. I do hope this is making some sense. I guess what we have to define is respect and what it is. I think of respect as the assumption that another deserves a certain type of treatment or deserves to be trusted based on things that they have accomplished, sometimes we respect people based on age alone, in the belief that they have lived long enough that they should have learned something. On a bigger note, we should respect everyone for at least putting up with this life. Peace.

If one wants respect, one has to give it first.
In other words, you reap what you sow.
for others it is 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'

It is truly unfortunate that a lot of society does not live this way.

Well, let's ask this.

If your child's friend had said, "I don't care who your friend is, I don't respect them until they earn it!", implying that the friend is a peer rather than an adult, would you be upset?

Or would you view it as growing up?

I think the problem with many adults nowadays (and this is rather an amusing viewpoint, being an adult myself and remembering how I once believed) is that they view themselves as Gods to be automatically feared and worshipped by children.

They believe their life experiences means that they automatically get every grain of respect a child has to offer...not to mention it makes them feel good. But the simple truth is, respect is not naturally given. It is earned by reputation, and it is earned by interaction.

Well, if you deserve the respect so much you think you should get it automatically, then you should have no problem starting from scratch.

Namaste.

Let's look at respect:

Noun:
A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
Verb:
Admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

So, how do you give this level of respect automatically? Obviously there must be different meanings/scales/levels of "respect".

Noun:
Willingness to show consideration or appreciation.

This is what every person starts out with from me, they get more or less depending upon their individual actions.

EDIT: Source is a dictionary.

Originally posted by Biigs
Respect for me always starts out as a +1 for anyone.

Its upto them to gain more respect or loose it.

Thats my opinion.

More or less exactly what i was going to post.

Give everyone respect, from the youngest baby to the oldest adult. Yes it can be lost in a single word or act, but treat others with respect from the start off. You'd be amazed at how much an act like this can catch on.

CX.

Respect comes from self-respect. If someone can give you respect, they can take it away. If everyone deserves respect, it becomes routine and worthless, plus Hitler would deserve respect if everyone deserves respect. Respect comes from the self.

reply to post by occrest


ETA. sorry. I misread your post.

Respect for someone's position of authority should be automatic, not respect for the person per se but the person's position and authority. Now, respect for someone as a person should be earned. I may not like or respect the president personally, but I would use his title. It's like the military, you salute the rank not the man.

Everyone should have respect for anyone, to a degree. I think it's extremely bad to disrespect people just because you don't know them, or dislike how they look/dress. So yes +1 for everyone but if they break it, they'll have to work extra, extra hard to get it back

reply to post by Starchild23


Be it a peer or not, my reaction would be the same. Sure children are learning and developing, but we must also guide them. I don't believe that respect is conditional.

reply to post by aboutface


IMO there's two kinds of respect.

There's the kind that should be offered to everyone (initially at least, some situations may rescind this general respect.)

Then there is true respect. This IS earned. This is the respect you have for someone because you think they are worth it.. An example could be a great boss you have, that runs the work area like it should be, but still manages to be a person at the same time. If you were in the military, it would probably be an effective commanding officer.

Originally posted by mus8472
Respect for someone's position of authority should be automatic, not respect for the person per se but the person's position and authority. Now, respect for someone as a person should be earned. I may not like or respect the president personally, but I would use his title. It's like the military, you salute the rank not the man.

So do you have respect for Ahmadenijad? Not the person per se but the position of authority? How about the Islamic Supreme Religious Leader? Do you have automatic respect for that position and that person, per se?

reply to post by filosophia


Interesting what you say about Hitler. Many people did respect how he was building up Germany in the beginning. Where they lost respect is when he began to show the behaviors of a madman.

reply to post by filosophia


Well the only reason you know of them is the bad thing they did, the automatic respect for any human that most poeple have is for the man you dont know on the street or where ever.

Also some things good and bad can be SO important that it commands an amount of respect that cannot be undone.

Unfortunly the bad respect guys make more headlines than the good ones, but thats because bad news sells papers etc.

reply to post by mus8472


So does this mean that someone who is currently jobless and homeless should not be shown respect since they are now not currently in a position of authority?

reply to post by aboutface


You raise great questions with great observations. Thanks.

Have thought a fair amount about this but you are causing me to think more and deeper about it.

Off the top of my head and heart . . .

I think it's another BOTH/AND vs EITHER/OR sort of thing.

1. Children learn respect from experiencing it and watching it.

2. Healthy children transition from being supremely ego-centric to focusing more on others with respect and caring.

3. The Military has a rule/law that one RESPECTS the rank, the office, the humanity etc. of others whether one can honestly respect the individual's choices, actions, person, or not.

4. That's often a challenging thing. What does one respect when a parent or a leader does horrific and horrifically stupid, destructive things?

5. In the military one is expected to still respect the office--and, where necessary, inform superior officers of the horrid behaviors/ statements/ decisions of the incompetent evil jerk.

6. One gets the impression that in the Old Testament times, respect was expected of parents regardless of how wrong they might be. Otherwise, rebellion was cause for stoning to death.

7. And, certainly for the structure and order of society to hold together much at all . . . a substrate of generalized respect of others as worthwhile human beings deserving of some minimal level of respect, courtesy, civility--is well warranted, essential. And, it is important for that to be the FOUNDATIONAL RULE, THE UNDERLYING GIVEN--regardless.

7.1 Respect first. Adjust as needed.

8. Certainly all my parents were of that old school. And, I'd often make excuses for their abuse with the comment that they "DID THE BEST THEY KNEW HOW TO DO." And that was true enough.

9. However, occasionally, God would remind me--they had His Word. While the Bible includes "spare the rod, spoil the child," it also includes: "Provoke not your children to wrath." That last one seems to be ignored by a lot of intense "Christian" parents.

10. And, USUALLY exactly those parents are the ones who end up being MOST HYPOCRITICAL and "Do as I say; not as I do." THAT'S A SURE WAY TO SHRED RESPECT, PREVENT RESPECT. How can it be otherwise?

11. There is NOTHING RESPECTABLE about gross hypocrisy!

12. Quality, deep rooted, broad respect, imho, can ONLY COME when it's EARNED.

13. We can give an appearance of respect. We can salute; march in step; sound agreeable; even mostly do the expected thing . . . and be seething underneath with the utmost disrespect.

14. imho, that virtually always occurs WHEN generalized, tentative, benefit-of-the-doubt levels of respect have been needlessly and hypocritically, thoughtlessly TRASHED by the one demanding respect.

15. I guess in summary . . . yes, a generalized minimal level of respect for others as humans; for their roles; for their training; for their positions . . . that's reasonable to expect as a given.

16. However, a higher order of respect for the unique quality of a particular person in the context of a particular relationship--not only MUST THAT BE EARNED--IT CAN ONLY BE EARNED. IT *CANNOT* BE DEMANDED. It cannot be a "command performance." It will not work that way.

17. That would be like the !COMMAND!: BE SPONTANEOUS! Doesn't work that way.

18. Now to the paradoxical absurdity of the below . . .

---------------------------------------

www.un.org...

In the Millennium Declaration, Member States stated that they would spare no effort to promote democracy and strengthen the rule of law, as well as respect for all internationally recognized human rights and fundamental freedoms. In so doing, they recognized that while freedom from want and fear are essential they are not enough. All human beings have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.

This was foisted on the world as a grand social manipulation charade, deception, farce.

The people who composed that are the very people who are literally hell-bent on genocidally murdering 6 BILLION 800 MILLION PEOPLE in order to reduce the global population down to 200 million to insure that their serfs and slaves will be easier to control and won't threaten mankind with pollution etc. that the elites are too greedy to pay for dealing with technologically.

I've never thought of genocidal murder as an act of respecting human rights nor individuals nor anything sane.

I say, treat all others with respect...
...until they give you a reason not to.

When they give you a reason not to...
...at least try to pretend you do.

When you can no longer pretend...
...treat them with neutrality/ambivalence.


...just do your best to not be disrespectful.