Controlling Parents More Likely to Have Delinquent Children

Controlling Parents More Likely to have Delinquent Children

Quote from the article:

ScienceDaily (Feb. 10, 2012) — Authoritarian parents whose child-rearing style can be summed up as "it's my way or the highway" are more likely to raise disrespectful, delinquent children who do not see them as legitimate authority figures than authoritative parents who listen to their children and gain their respect and trust, according to new research from the University of New Hampshire.

I would say this is conclusive proof that sociology and such is a soft science.
I am pretty sure that a laisez fair attitude also can lead to delinquency (link says that a to detached attitude can also lead to delinquency btw), so in effect the moral is: the golden ratio, temperance.
Here is just a small collection of quotes on temperance:

It is better to rise from life as from a banquet - neither thirsty nor drunken. ~Aristotle


I soon found out you can't change the world. The best you can do is to learn to live with it. ~Henry Miller


My good friends, while I do most earnestly recommend you to take care of your health and safety, as things most precious to us, I would not have that care degenerate into an effeminate and over-curious attention, which is always disgraceful to a man's self, and often troublesome to others. ~Edmund Burke


No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. ~Dave Barry, "Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn"


From a worldly point of view there is no mistake so great as that of being always right. ~Samuel Butler, Note-Books, 1912


Enough is as good as a feast. ~English Proverb


We may outrun
By violent swiftness
And lose by over-running.
~William Shakespeare


The most pleasant and useful persons are those who leave some of the problems of the universe for God to worry about. ~Don Marquis


The man of virtuous soul commands not, nor obeys. ~Percy Bysshe Shelley, Queen Mab


He who makes a paradise of his bread makes a hell of his hunger. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin


Even nectar is poison if taken to excess. ~Hindu Proverb

What do you think?

From my observations of others and from my own experience, I would pretty much agree with the assessment made by this study. My parents raised me with a pretty light hand and I've basically never been in trouble in my life -- never even suspended from school, no run-ins with the law. I've never had any urge.

It's not that I'm a robotic-like follower of rules, it's just basic common sense stuff to me so that society, you know, works. If there's a law that is clearly unjust, by all means resist it, but the stuff that comes out of basic morality, I've never seen any reason to flout that sort of thing (which is probably part of the definition of a delinquent). I'd say most people I know were raised in similar ways and they too are "good citizens" and the few who have had harsher upbringings in terms of the parenting they endured, they are certainly the ones who have had issues with the law and stuff at times.

But it's not all one thing or another. One of my good friends growing up has had trouble with the law over the years, dealt drugs, etc., while his sister never got in trouble in her life and never did anything to get herself in trouble, either. Hard to say what sort of upbringing they got from their parents -- I think they tried to be stricter with him because of the trouble he was getting into even when he was young. I don't think his sister ever gave her parents much cause to be strict as she was always a straight A student and wasn't getting into trouble. Or maybe the two siblings were responding to the different kinds of upbringings they got from their parents. Parents do sometimes favor one child over another, even if they don't do it on purpose. I was over their house almost every day for a few years and I can't say for certain how the dynamic worked.

reply to post by BBalazs
My father (ex Army) was tough. We all lived in a very regemented household. I'm 48 now. When I was 13, I once told my father to "eff off". He knocked me back and down so badly that to this day, I don't swear in front off hm.

Did I grow up as a delinquent? No. Not even close.

I think that while the home does have an effect on humans, it by no means is the culprit for any one person.

I've known people that claimed to grow up in both be very nice, leave me alone and Ill leave you alone, type people.

I also think that (and yes this is my opinion) unless the child is being abused, that parenting should be left to the parent. I know that many think the parent should be the state, I wholeheartedly disagree with that. People with that philosophy don't want to be parents and shouldn't be (snip, snip and whatever it is for women to become sterile).

I think it makes a lot of sense. This comes from 2 things:

1. Having a control freak parent makes you an angry kid, so you take it out the only way you know how..by acting out. Why? Because your parents don't care about your thoughts and feelings, and they punish you for expressing them if they don't like them. It leads to the conclusion that your parents care about you only as a way of having something to dominate and don't actually love you.

2. Control freak parents have a tendency to set out rules but fail to actually impart values or morals because they never teach their kids why their rules are there. Without the controlling eye of the parents around, the kids suddenly have no moral compass to go by.

I grew up with an authoritarian father. To this day, I regard his "love" as nothing more than the affect of a having a creature that he has had a moderate amount of domination over in the past, sort of like a fondness that I have for my Sims characters. Thank God for my mother.

I have to disagree with the find but I'm not saying that it is wrong.

I see the some of the children that go to school with my kids and you can pretty much pick out the dead-beats and the kids who are raised with discipline.

I think there has to be a direct relationship with providing a caring, nurturing environment as well as discipline.

Providing discipline without also providing a loving environment is as bad as taking the dead-beat path and letting the kids be raised by prime time television.

reply to post by BBalazs

Authoritarian parents whose child-rearing style can be summed up as "it's my way or the highway" are more likely to raise disrespectful, delinquent children...

Yep. Another way of putting it is,"This is MY house!" As though owning something and standing inside it gives the owner the right to assert their abusive behavior over another (children even). Small minds destroying even smaller ones. I grew up with that and it sucked. As a youngster there is no defense against the ultimate authority of threatening to banish the child from the protection of their home. The biggest fear producer of all, and used ever so casually again and again, mindless of the resulting anxiety and fear it produces.

Control freaks are the worst. Afraid that they are losing control, they squeeze ever harder until their worst fears come true. Children lose all respect for these kind of parents and by the time they are in their teens (and able to do some real damage) they are so filled with anger, that they explode in different directions wether it be drugs, rebellion, violence, etc. And the parents scratch their wood heads and blame the children for behavior that they claim must be "genetic", or "schooling or friends", whatever. Anything but where it rightly lays, at the parents feet.

This is a slow life time process of rearing a child and bringing them up thru their developmental age into young adulthood. One day at a time, one incident at a time, like laying bricks until you have a wall built between you and your child.

The worst part for me is that between me and my brother, I was the rebel and he was the conformist. Now he is raising his son the same way as our parents raised us. I am watching the same mistakes being repeated with him and there is nothing I can do about it. Any attempt at constructive criticism is met with, "This is MY son..."

My ol' man only raised his hand to me a couple of times and even then it was very short and nothing cruel or harsh. I was a bit fearful of him in the way that most children are afraid of their fathers. But that wasn't the motivating factor in my being a good kid. Above all I was afraid of disappointing him because I knew he cared so much about my future.

At school there was a lot of army kids around, I could never understand that they loved school so much and never wanted to go home, although I worked out that some of those kids were being beaten pretty regularly. Some of them were bullys. I think most of them joined the armed forces when they left which neutralises the chances of delinquency in society.

On the whole I think that authoritarian parents are ones that don't understand other methods to gain the respect / obediance of their children. And that is mainly because people tend to copy their upbringing upon their children - it is their only point of reference, but its still disappointing the amount of people that were raised with excessive violence and say 'well it didn't do me any harm'.

On the other hand provided the child knows that you truly love it and take no pleasure in imposing your authority, then controlling parents can raise a child successfully. Of course on the other side of the scale - a child raised with no discipline and spoiled is no good either.

Originally posted by beezzer
reply to post by BBalazs

 

My father (ex Army) was tough. We all lived in a very regemented household. I'm 48 now. When I was 13, I once told my father to "eff off". He knocked me back and down so badly that to this day, I don't swear in front off hm.

Did I grow up as a delinquent? No. Not even close.

My Father was French Navy. He was absent for my young life for most of the time, but when he came back from service he couldn't adjust. He was a severe Father. He punished me physically many times for very trivial misdemeanours. At 15 I spoke back to him, he punched me down a flight of stairs.

Now he is old. There is no bond between us, apart from me as the oldest son carrying the responsibility for his welfare in his older years. I've never known love from my father, it breaks my heart.

But I have to let that go. And correct the mistakes he made in my life by ensuring I don't repeat his mistakes with my own boys. I pray I don't. That means I have to be proactive every day.

I'm happy it worked out for you. But the same regimented way proved disastrous for my family.

I grew up in a strict household. My parents word meant absolutely nothing to me and anytime I would win an argument over them they used authoritarian tactics.

I also caused a lot of problems as a kid mainly because I didn't respect my parents. I agree with the study. So many other kids that lived in similar situations were doing everything they weren't "supposed to" be doing.

Not many kids I knew cared about what their parents thought, besides the ones with loving families.

So yeah, I agree with the study.

It's not to say a lax household wouldn't raise a bad kid, but if you don't care about your kids opinion, you are going to have problems. No matter how stupid you think the opinion is.

reply to post by LeBombDiggity

At 15 I spoke back to him, he punched me down a flight of stairs.

At 15, I gave my father a black eye. It was justified, and I was much better off after I did it. There is no bond between us either, but at least I walked away from the situation happy, knowing that it takes a real person to fight something bigger than himself.

It is easy to pick on a kid and claim some moral indignation. It's much harder to look at someone who holds something over you and realize they hold nothing at all.

reply to post by BBalazs


All one needs to do is look at how the Government is becoming more and more authoritarian and trying to control every aspect of our lives. Now look at the mentality of children these days, look at the crime rates, look at the wars, look at the truly terrible state of society. The love, empathy and respect we once held for each other is slowly being stomped into oblivion because of the way we choose to operate society. A study was not required to prove this, it's simply common sense.

Unsure about this one. My brother and I weren't raised with the strictest rules, but often pushed both our parents as kids to the point of a beating. As younger kids we were sort of put through the rules regime, and yes, we both acted out, my brother being a lot worse than myself, mainly silly things like vandalism and stealing, which looking back was more likely the company we kept than the rules placed on us by our parents. By the time we were teenagers though, thye had relaxed a lot. My dad would never knock us into line after about 14 or 15, but would allow us to go out, only if we weren't coming home to ring and let him know, no matter the time. That was really our only rule by then. We still acted like hoons up until around 18 or so. I always thought it was just a part of growing up, experimentation and such.
Now my own kids aren't subjected to many rules in our house, mainly respect the place and look after what they have kind of stuff. I agree that it isn't just my house, that they have a right to it, which is also explained they have a responsibility to it. Haven't had much acting out yet, which is actually making me nervous for the teenage years... Bring it on I guess...

Originally posted by LeBombDiggity

Originally posted by beezzer
reply to post by BBalazs

 

My father (ex Army) was tough. We all lived in a very regemented household. I'm 48 now. When I was 13, I once told my father to "eff off". He knocked me back and down so badly that to this day, I don't swear in front off hm.

Did I grow up as a delinquent? No. Not even close.

My Father was French Navy. He was absent for my young life for most of the time, but when he came back from service he couldn't adjust. He was a severe Father. He punished me physically many times for very trivial misdemeanours. At 15 I spoke back to him, he punched me down a flight of stairs.

Now he is old. There is no bond between us, apart from me as the oldest son carrying the responsibility for his welfare in his older years. I've never known love from my father, it breaks my heart.

But I have to let that go. And correct the mistakes he made in my life by ensuring I don't repeat his mistakes with my own boys. I pray I don't. That means I have to be proactive every day.

I'm happy it worked out for you. But the same regimented way proved disastrous for my family.

Our histories are a perfect example of why you can never generalize in these studies. The exception proves the rule more times than not.

Sorry to hear about your early years.

Originally posted by beezzer
reply to post by BBalazs

 

My father (ex Army) was tough. We all lived in a very regemented household. I'm 48 now. When I was 13, I once told my father to "eff off". He knocked me back and down so badly that to this day, I don't swear in front off hm.

Did I grow up as a delinquent? No. Not even close.

no but look at you now, your a passive little crying bunny.

JK LOL im kidding i had to im really sorry.... i meant a joke. srry ( still posting tho )

i think it scares kids sometimes, but i think scaring kids into behaving is wrong.

every time i got yelled at when i knew i wasn't wrong or hadn't done anything bad but was still yelled at, i would ALWAYS yell back and stand up for myself.

90% of the time i know i did things the right way and everyone would always be against me.

so i always yelled back and fought tooth and nail. i think i gained some respect from them if anything, we still fight, but they bother me less.

we are an ok family, but for the most part they are insane.

edit: im really sorry, i hope i don't offend you in any way with my little joke, i think your bunny is cute.

Here's another interesting little story I thought I would add to this thread. Back when I was about 15 years old I was friends with this kid who had the most strict parents I have ever seen in my life. I have never before or since then seen other parents who punish their kids for such little things, and enforce such absurd rules on their children. I honestly felt sorry for him.

I've always been the type of person who analyzes the way other people act, and this kid was a classic sociopath in the making. You could just see it in his eyes, his burning hatred for the world. He would constantly listen to heavy metal type music with very depressing lyrics about death and pain and that sort of thing. I don't really know how he turned out, but hopefully he is ok.

Just something I wanted to add to the discussion.

reply to post by SoymilkAlaska


If I got upset over comments on my avi, I wouldn't have a sad little bunny!

I would posit a question though. If your toddler is nearing a hot burner on the stove, do you slap a hand or try to explain 2nd and 3rd degree burns?

Sometimes a slap, spanking, swat conveys much more than just a momentary painful event.

Caveat; as shown in this thread, the generalization cannot apply. What is appropriate for one family may not be in another.

reply to post by beezzer


psshhh Lol of course a little slap on the hand to save them from getting hurt is OK.

but insane Overcontrol and unfair punishment are what i am against.

A girl in my highschool was raised by strict religious parents. They made her wear one of those long blue jean dresses to school everyday and she wasn't allowed to wear pants. Sure enough she started to rebel in high school. First she was sneaking and changing into pants at school. Then she went through a lesbian period. Then by the end of highschool she was pregnant, then married, then a stripper, then divorced.

This is true. My friends and I saw her at a strip club a couple years ago and all made note that "clearly this is what her parents wanted."

Nobody would argue that kids need to be taught how to behave so that they don't hurt themselves or other people. But the problem is where the issue of controlling a child infringes on their natural rights as a human being. Parents who insist that their kids not dress a certain way, listen to certain types of music, hang out with the friends of their choosing, or express their own opinions where they contradict with the parent... these things have nothing to do with discipline or safety. That is just flat out oppression and exploiting a position of power over someone else, and sends the message to the child "I don't respect you as an individual." and "I don't really want to get to know you." or worse "I don't really love the REAL you." So the rebelliousness and resentment that naturally comes about is generated out of the feeling "My parents don't respect me. Why should I respect them?" Once a child can recognize the hypocrisy and injustice of that, the general hypocrisy and injustices in society at large become apparent, and the delinquent is born. Kids aren't stupid, once they see that respect doesn't go both ways, adults and authority figures have lost the battle.

Individuality and self-expression are a basic part of every person's nature regardless of age, and have a force and momentum like a flowing river. If you don't give a child some way to express their true selves in their every day life, sooner or later the pressure builds that urge into something destructive and uncontrollable.

My parents were very loving toward me, but I had a very controlling and restricted upbringing, and was also made to attend catholic high school, where I was further forced to pantomime and hide what I truly thought and felt. I didn't turn into a delinquent exactly, but I did learn to cultivate a private life that was kept secret from my family, and I more or less exploded when I turned 18 and was finally free to be that person openly. To this day I still tend to resist being controlled or ordered around, where I find it to be unreasonable or unrelated to the safety and well-being of myself or other people.

Parenting is the hardest job in the world. Few are the people who can handle it with grace and skill, without repeating the mistakes of their own upbringing. So kudos to anyone with the courage to try.