What do I do?

So i've settled down with a girl for the past nine months who had a lot of complications from the start. When I met her she was (and still is) getting divorced and going through those proceedings. She had a child from her ex husband (which is the reason they got married in the first place). After trying to be with her he ended up leaving her and taking all of their money to start over somewhere else. He wants nothing to do with the kid or her now.

She is also dealing with mental and physical health issues. Annorexia and depression being the biggest things. She has told me she cuts before and showed me the marks. When I met her I had no idea about this part. We instantly clicked. She was fun and free spirited and I was playing in two bands while holding down a full time job. When we got close the bands fell away and I eventually began helping her any way I could. Financially I was there, and I also convinced her to get some counceling as well as help from the church we go to.

In the past few months she has backed away. Saying that she now doesn't love me and doesn't know how to love me. She told me that she needed time to work out her own stuff, but still wanted to try and work things out with us. Our relationship changed dramatically. No more was she as sweet. No more was she as loving. It was pretty much me running everywhere she wanted me to go and doing everything for her with little to nothing in return. She even stopped having sex with me saying that it was a religious issue and because of her going through sexual abuse in the past. She said that she needed time for it to be something she was comfortable with. Basically leaving me with everything I sacrificed for her being gone and me being alone a lot.

Last weekend was the last straw. There is this guy that was her "best friend". They used to date a long time ago. The past month he has been getting obnoxious with textin her and showing up at a party we went to together WITH HER after I worked all day and got off early to pick her up. Following that incident he called her drunk one night and trashed me saying how much better he was and that he wanted to be with her. She came to me the next day and told me. Promising that if I did nothing she would at least give it a lot of time before she talked to him again and brought that into our life.

Saturday he called her HOUSE PHONE while i just happened to be there and told her he was stopping by to see her and her family. She agreed and told me to deal with it or leave. I in turn met him at the door bc she was stopping me from talking to him outside. I confronted him and he (scared) appologized and left. But not before she got in between us repeatedly and told me I needed to shut my mouth. She then told me to leave after he left. We haven't talked since. I tried to talk to her sunday and we were supposed to go somewhere together, but she avoided me and instead I just went and stayed with a friend of mine. Yesterday she text me about picking up a couch from her friend that was being given away. I asked if that's all she wanted to talk to me about and she only replied a few hours later hounding me to please get ahold of her friend.

I don't know what to do. I love this girl. She's everything I've ever wanted. And believe me if you saw her it would probably explain whats left of the confusion you might have as to why I'm still dealing with all of this. Thing is I see her for so much more than her looks. I knew what I was getting myself into in the beginning and I tried to be respectful of that. I changed so much for her and the baby thinking that we would be together forever. Hell, a month ago she was sending me pictures of engagement rings. I've spent all my money, time, and energy on her, and now she would just rather avoid me and do what she wants than even be concerned about how hard this is for me. I just wish she would FU**ING care. What's wrong with me? Why am I not good enough to love but every other guy in her life was.

I'm just hurt, depressed, and I have no idea what I am going to do. Part of me says to just end it and try not to focus on this huge void in my life that she and the baby will leave. But thats going to be hard too. Judging from my past experiences with this I'm sure I'll have to deal with seeing her so happy w some dude that only wants one thing from her, meanwhile I'll be still searching for the girl that I can actually trust. I'm just so sick of being torn up like this.

I don't really know if I want advice or just to vent. But if anyone reads this, please feel free to comment.

reply to post by stonedogdiary


Cut all ties and take your losses. She doesn't love you.

The first thing you need to do...is acknowledge the fact that you've been dumped. But, as long as you show you are still willing to be *used*, she'll continue to call you when she needs something done for her.

Work on your own self esteem. Get back into music. Get your life back, without her.

Des

I know it's not easy to hear it mate but I would cut loose while you can. You cant help those who wont help themselves and shes playing you for a mug with this other guy?

Shes treating you like her whipping boy by the sounds of it. Get out and see what happens, she may even discover the grass isn't greener and come running back to you?

Run far, run fast. The momentary pain of separation will be far less than the continued hell of being with someone that wil never change, and will never love you...harsh words maybe, but the fact that she chose him at the doorway stand off would be all I needed

She even stopped having sex with me saying that it was a religious issue and because of her going through sexual abuse in the past

lol how dare her ! What a liar. All of the sudden it was a religious issue, haha !




You poor man ! I feel bad for ya pal , and i've heard these type of stories countless times! Its horrible how some women use their "charms" to twist a man insides out , starting with his other brain .


Get out of that realtionship before she sucks any more manhood from you! She is poison , but her lure is what keeps you attracted. She has you wrapped around her cute little pinky!

Shes just using you , and the new guy , because shes "confused" she has mixed emotions for both of you , She wants to keep you both around on standby untill she makes up her mind , who she wants.

Be smart . Get out while you still can ! , the women is poison , darkness , and is sucking out your positivity !

its not you ! its her sociopathic games!

You've been used. You caught her on the rebound. It's NEVER going to get back to where you thought you were with her. It's too bad it happened to you, but this woman has waaaaayyyy too many issues. Issues, no matter what they are, are a bad thing. I agree with everyone else here. Don't look back. You'll just get used again. Find someone who is sane.

Run Forest.



I feel for you mang, get back with music - it loves you way more.

I have been in a very similar situation.

Honestly, bud, just cut your losses, and move on. This girl doesn't deserve you, with everything that you put up with and did for her, the fact that she turned around and did all this should show you that you're better than all of this. I understand your love for her is strong but sometimes you have to let the ones you care most about go.

It will take time to get over it, you'll have thoughts about calling her or going to see her (just don't, save yourself the grief) but know that you have family and friends who love you and are there for you. These people are your greatest assets during this break up.

Stay strong, it's hard having a woman you sacrificed everything for just turn her nose up one day, but it happens to the best of us, you'll definitely find a better woman along this long path we call life.

Peace brother.

You should never have to change for anyone. If she doesn't love you the way you are, it won't work out. I too think she is using you right now. She obviously has a lot of issues and needs to work on them. I wish you the very best!

Originally posted by stonedogdiary
So i've settled down with a girl for the past nine months who had a lot of complications from the start. When I met her she was (and still is) getting divorced and going through those proceedings. She had a child from her ex husband (which is the reason they got married in the first place). After trying to be with her he ended up leaving her and taking all of their money to start over somewhere else. He wants nothing to do with the kid or her now.

In the past few months she has backed away. Saying that she now doesn't love me and doesn't know how to love me. She told me that she needed time to work out her own stuff, but still wanted to try and work things out with us. Our relationship changed dramatically. No more was she as sweet. No more was she as loving. It was pretty much me running everywhere she wanted me to go and doing everything for her with little to nothing in return. She even stopped having sex with me saying that it was a religious issue and because of her going through sexual abuse in the past. She said that she needed time for it to be something she was comfortable with. Basically leaving me with everything I sacrificed for her being gone and me being alone a lot.

Sounds to me that, she was clearly hurt when her husband ended up leaving her & the kid, & therefore still hurting from that experience, which is always going to be a painful one.

I hate to use the term "rebound"...& because of all this, she initially thought she could pick herself back up & move on with her life. But past experiences have made her become very insecure about relationships, so it was always going to be tough man.

You've been there for her through it, so kudos to you on that..but surely you should have realised that maybe she hasn't completely gotten over it yet?

Originally posted by stonedogdiary
Last weekend was the last straw. There is this guy that was her "best friend". They used to date a long time ago. The past month he has been getting obnoxious with textin her and showing up at a party we went to together WITH HER after I worked all day and got off early to pick her up. Following that incident he called her drunk one night and trashed me saying how much better he was and that he wanted to be with her. She came to me the next day and told me. Promising that if I did nothing she would at least give it a lot of time before she talked to him again and brought that into our life.

Saturday he called her HOUSE PHONE while i just happened to be there and told her he was stopping by to see her and her family. She agreed and told me to deal with it or leave. I in turn met him at the door bc she was stopping me from talking to him outside. I confronted him and he (scared) appologized and left. But not before she got in between us repeatedly and told me I needed to shut my mouth. She then told me to leave after he left. We haven't talked since. I tried to talk to her sunday and we were supposed to go somewhere together, but she avoided me and instead I just went and stayed with a friend of mine. Yesterday she text me about picking up a couch from her friend that was being given away. I asked if that's all she wanted to talk to me about and she only replied a few hours later hounding me to please get ahold of her friend.

Sounds like she has a strong connection with this dude, who, IMO is a Grade A #block.

But as a person..could you see him being there for her in the long term, if things don't work out with you two, though?

If you are completely serious about her & the relationship, then keep trying..

Honestly though, I think it'd be difficult for the relationship to work, with everything going on.

Take a hint from her ex. Get out while you can. You mean nothing to her, She's already shown that. If she insists on calling you or wanting to see you, get a restraining order. She will get you hurt emotionally and physically. The woman is a nutcase. You deserve better.

reply to post by stonedogdiary


Get out. Fast and far. Too much baggage there man.

You've only been together for 9 months so it shouldn't be that hard.

Sounds like you could do A LOT better. Hell, a series of one night stands would be better than THAT.


youtu.be...

reply to post by stonedogdiary




ive come to realize that most women, dont know a good man if he is standing right infront of her...

unfortunately i think this is how their brains are wired...

when you give them all you have, and you love them for who they are, and you listen, and provide for them, dont judge them, and tell them you love them...they do the following:

*they stab you in the back
*they see your kindness as weakness, and take advantage of it.
*they try to control you
*they get "bored" of you


then they end up with the following man:

a man who doesnt have a job, a man who cant provide for her, a man who beats her, a man who cheats on her, a man who sodomizes her, a man who abuses her...etc...

every woman i have encountered has this same trait...wether shes good looking, wether shes fat, wether shes ugly, wether shes a model, wether shes a nerd, wether shes depressed, wether shes smart


deep down at their most BASIC instinct women want to control or BE controlled


you were too nice...you didnt control her...

or you can be an ass and she isnt the type that wants to be controlled...

i have come to realize that i am much happier without female contact

less headaches
less stress
less arguments about whos right or wrong (who cares??!)
less issues with who CONTROLS what
longer life expectancy for me


i think life wanted you to be away from that psychopathic, depressed, mentally ill cutter...

life thinks you are better than that, and she doesnt deserve you...

focus on your own life first, straighten everything out...

the right woman for you, will find you...life will lead you to her

trust me, its the way it works

Its done for buddy that is just not right, but keep your head up, think positively, get back into the things you love - Music! Dont fall for anything unless you know it feels right. Maybe you're supposed to start your OWN family!

Good luck!

reply to post by stonedogdiary


From my perspective you can show love to a girl, but showing her to much is not what girls really want. Indirectly or without acutally knowing, girls tend to like being dominated. By this I do not say total submission, but girls, especially women really like men who know how to master them.

A men learn this with time.

My advice is that you pay more attention to their body language, how they react to different comments (with common sense of course for the comments) and knowing how to put thhem in their place when it is thhe time to. Sadly, for all girls reading this, some of you creatures tend to attempt to dominate us in an emotional way.

This is the exact reason why a men should not say to a women he truly loves her too often, otherwise the women might take advantage out of it, female nature, really funny to see indeed .




Hope it helped you a bit,






Thruthseek3r

Hey stonedogdiary,

I just wanted to say that I feel your pain and fustration.

At one point in my life, I fell head over heals for the same type of girl (mind you, this was back in HS). She had past issues with depression, not finding the "right guy" (everyone had treated her wrong), and other similar stuff. When I first met her, she didn't show any signs that there was a darker side underneath all the happiness that I saw. She ended up leaving me, saying (and I quote) "I just need some more time to heal".

Here's the advice I can give you, based on my experiences:

1. If thinking about her or doing things with her gives you more stress than a normal activity (such as school, work, driving to work, etc...), then there is a good chance that you should leave and find someone else (not immediately - give yourself some time before doing so). Stress isn't healthy in any relationship (I should talk, as my own relationship is filled with it).

2. People like this will never truly recover per-say, they will think that they are healed and ready to find that new soulmate, but in reality they will spiral down the same path (and probably pick the same type of guy). You are probably not the first person that she has done this to (like it or not - you might want to get in contact with her original Ex, as he would probably tell you why he left).

3. Someone mentioned it already, but the best thing you can do is not talk to her - Don't keep her as a "friend" on facebook, delete her email/pictures/cell number. If she truly doesn't feel the same way about you, then you won't make it as friends (trust me, your feelings will eat at your mind, and you'll keep trying to think of ways to "win" her back to your side) - if she ever says "well, we can just be friends...", don't say yes, no matter how much you want that (also, if you did delete her from facebook or the like, and she wants to be re-added or questions why you did it - I'd advise to not even tell her; silence will explain your feelings better than any words can).

4. If you are still willing to try and amend this (against all odds), then spend as much time as you can doing things with her that she loves - even try to meet this "friend" of hers (note - I actually met my Ex's BF, and he's not too bad of a guy - you'd think I should be angry with him, but he enjoys a lot of the same things I do - it drives her crazy). Give her flowers, reserve a date (as friends, if she prefers it). Most importantly, Listen to her. If she has a bad day, sit there and try to make her feel better.

Hopefully, this will save you some tears in the long run - it took me a while to even look my Ex in the eye, but you seem like the kind of person that can mend in a little time.

-fossilera

PS: I think it was more of an abuse issue rather than a "religious issue" that stopped the sex. I mean, there are some people that can be really devoted (which isn't always a bad thing), but almost "everyone" has some fun behind the scenes (Also, never mention that your house is haunted before "getting going", as no-one wants to do that in front of a ghost - just some humor to ease the pain a little).

Well if she's really HOT I'd keep her around for awhile. Just treat her like crap till she finally leaves but at least you'll get some more play time. If she's just mediocre I'd say kick her to the curb.

reply to post by Kenrichaed


come on man! (infections!!!!) really? Don't play that game when someone is having multiple person sexual-u-knows!

Originally posted by Justinator88
reply to post by Kenrichaed

 

come on man! (infections!!!!) really? Don't play that game when someone is having multiple person sexual-u-knows!

The man asked for opinions so I gave him mine. I'm not saying I'm proud of it but at least i'm honest.