reply to post by PhysicsAdept
My life as a child was very similar to what you described in your opening post. I came up with many different and conniving ways I could murder my
abuser(s) without being caught. I couldn't run away because I had younger siblings to protect. I couldn't call the cops because they were friends with
the main abuser and never did anything other than joke around and tell my siblings and I that "all kids deserve a good beating". Even the cops who
were well-intentioned could do nothing because, being a minor, my "father" (abuser) was allowed in the room during questioning... and I wasn't about
to tell the truth with that piece of crap an arm's length away, where he would've grabbed me and hurt me if I said anything to get him in trouble.
I couldn't rely on anybody else. I allowed other people to hurt me as well, because I figured I didn't deserve anything better anyway.
The abuse finally stopped when I was 17, when I couldn't take it anymore and fought back. I pushed him and cornered him yelled at him and told him
that I'd either kill him or die trying.
I meant it.
I was going to strangle him to death. All I saw was red, and all I felt was murder and hate and disgust.
He was afraid of me and never hurt me again.
Unfortunately, the damage was done. I went on to live a very self-destructive life for awhile because I wanted only to die. I decided I needed to get
out of that hole when I was about 19, and am still digging my way out, many years later. That psychological trauma will probably always be with me in
Since I left the family, he has hurt some of my siblings. They refuse to cut ties with him because he is a master manipulator and uses coercion very
successfully. My "mother" is and always has been an enabler and doesn't care, as long as she doesn't have to rock the boat. She has given her younger
children to him and gone off to "make a life for herself".
But, I am alive and I have many things to be thankful for. I have made a good life for myself. I realize there are some things that I can never
change. At least I can give my children a good life, though, and know that they will never have to experience anything like that as long as I am
So, yes, I would murder someone else rather than be tortured by them or allow my loved ones to be tortured by them.
edit on 2/7/2012 by ottobot
because: (no reason given)