Everything Hurts Right Now...

I have no idea where to begin...So I will use a line from a friend of mine who edited a California Ren Faire publication in which I submitted a story called, MK-RENFAIRE. Part of the story was lifted from ATS...which I posted years ago but suffice to say, allow me to begin...

It was a dark and stormy rum...

I was removed from what I am certain was a Mind Control operation after three years and maneuvered into the Renaissance Faire. How am I sure that it was a mind control experiment? Much reflection but the answer may already be known as I have very little doubt that ATS' Car Crash radio was named for anything but the major reason I was displaced.

You see, I started remembering things. I have been conditioned to respond to subliminals (read the thread and links highlighted in Nef's announcement thread for today's ATS Radio show) since a very early age. One of the things I remembered was a dream. Now, this may sound strange but there was/is the capacity to randomly remember dreams if they are remotely induced...because it counts as external stimulus. It's a bastardization of the dream/physiological process of memory retention. I have no time to explain the process as I see it but the second link in my signature has most of it.

The dream, I still recall it along with some very early year dreams, was visually (like a movie) watching a car that looked very much like the car I owned at the time(86 Mustang, white w/black lining down the horizontal center) crashing over a hillside.

Now, I don't remember the actual time frame/date of the dream but the rest of what I recall causes me to believe that it occurred before the experience I am about to relate. Warning...it is uncomfortable for me to state this and many other things will be uncomfortable to state. But it is human experience and the bastards who created this knew how to manipulate human experience/social convention...so it is relevant...

I was seeing a girl for the first time. I had pretty much gone through my entire high school (Redondo Union High School) experience without really experiencing a girlfriend and the first year of community college (El Camino College) I was reintroduced to an old friend that I hadn't seen in years...actually, She was the sister of my first childhood 'best friend'. Maeva. We started dating and for all intents and purposes I felt natural about it; I was pleased to have an actual romantic possibility after not really ever having the possibility (retrospection has defined the reason for this and the details are GRAPHIC so hesitance in communication of this is very much a concern for me on this website)....

By the way, for very relevant reasons, I need to state that we were both a part of the Mormon religion...I can't explain why it is relevant now because my foundation expression is so disjointed but it is...

Long Story Short...I woke up the next morning frustrated at the lack of the sexual experience which resulted in her 'gettng hers' and me not getting mine...I woke up really upset with only a few hours of sleep (no drugs or alcohol; Mormons) and went to my car to go to work. This was in Palos Verdes...which is on a 'hill' in Southern California. I drove very upset down the hill until I realized that I was going to crash. It was a very real realization. I slowed down, now scared and continued with my day. Within days, my brakes went out and I drove for a week without brakes until I almost got into another accident...which I avoided.

Here is the kicker...there are two examples of popular media where this 'dream subliminal' was referenced...one before the fact and one after.

The one before is a Smashing Pumpkins song...the experience above was experienced when I was in college...1998...the following song was written before that, in 97...and has the title 'Ava Adore" (Maeva phonetically = "My Ava") and has the lyric, "I would crash cars for you."



The one after is the opening sequence of the movie "Mulholland Drive"..Link.

After a car wreck on the winding Mulholland Drive renders a woman amnesic, she and a perky Hollywood-hopeful search for clues and answers across Los Angeles in a twisting venture beyond dreams and reality.

Link



My real name is Ryan Watton. If you know the movie...then you know that there are some cryptic scenes that include a corporation by name of "Ryan"...

What am I saying?

That Mind Control is real...has been used and is still going on. I may be remiss in not communicating this sooner but there are many examples I am unsure how to do so without questions...my mind is highly unorganized...

Yes...I do believe that I was the product of Mind Control and even a covert technological attempt at suicide induction...not any more but I am unsure how to resolve current issues without communicating something I know is real...

I'm confused.

Quite...

Originally posted by MemoryShock
Much reflection but the answer may already be known as I have very little doubt that ATS' Car Crash radio was named for anything but the major reason I was displaced.

No.

It was not. It was named because of the propensity of the show to get out of control and the broadcast software to fail in the early days of the show.

And as it was me that coined the phrase, I find the implication bizarre and uncalled for.

reply to post by neformore

Fair enough. I am not deleting my interpretation though...

reply to post by neformore


I am not a number,I am only a _____ human being.

Originally posted by neformore

Originally posted by MemoryShock
Much reflection but the answer may already be known as I have very little doubt that ATS' Car Crash radio was named for anything but the major reason I was displaced.

No.

It was not. It was named because of the propensity of the show to get out of control and the broadcast software to fail in the early days of the show.

And as it was me that coined the phrase, I find the implication bizarre and uncalled for.

You're right, of course it isn't true … and yes it is bizzare.
Uncalled for? Perhaps … who's to say what is and isn't called for?

One could say that a response as apathetic, dismissive, and self serving as yours in the face of another's agony and soul crushing suffering is uncalled for.
One could say that any response other than 'what can I do to help?' is uncalled for.

One could say a great deal of things, call them as they see fit, in fact most busy themselves doing so endlessly ...

Meh, what is and what isn't called for is irrelevant, so is who calls it or doesn't … in the end, as always, the truth spares no one.

Man, this place ...

reply to post by MemoryShock


What can I do to help?

Originally posted by schrodingers dog
What can I do to help?

You already have...greatly. Though the reason I put myself out like this is that I want to start creating an account of what I remember and what I think about it.

Current circumstances make such an endeavour very difficult...but past omission of communication regarding this topic must stop now and this is the best forum I can think of...I need to know that I cared enough to tell my story despite the crap I will get from it....and I promise that there is some major crap I never wanted anyone to know. But if my viabiitly is at stake as opposed to defending the biotches who did this...then I need a place to start...

While much of the story is tolerable to the mindset...there are some really uncomfortable aspects...not just for me but for everyone...

I am not special; the implications are for everyone..but I don't think I can help until I unburden myself...not that my help is needed or warranted...

Originally posted by schrodingers dog
Uncalled for? Perhaps … who's to say what is and isn't called for?

When its completely innocent, and to do with something I created, I am.

One could say that a response as apathetic, dismissive, and self serving as yours in the face of another's agony and soul crushing suffering is uncalled for.

Unlucky.

Unfounded allegations have no place on ATS. Especially not with the subjects we discuss here, and especially not when they are contrived to appear in a way that smears something that myself and a whole host of other people have invested an awful lot of our free time in bringing to people so that they can enjoy it.

reply to post by neformore

You still find yourself in the trap of assuming other peoples perception for them, Nef. Not necessarily a bad thing but you assumed malice in my expression when there was none..and I regret the reference as it wasn't the reason for this thread but was stimulated by your announcement thread which had a linked thread which is very real to me at the moment.

I think that there is a possibility...note, I said possibility...that privacy issues may be a huge concern right now moving into the MK field of mass consumption.

Now...can we get back on topic? Or not respond in thread...I sent you a u2u, if you have any further concerns on that particular note, you know how to contact me...

reply to post by MemoryShock


It is sometimes hard for people to understand anothers experience.
I am sorry for your suffering
Take heart - The Human Mind is a wonder and you will find a way through this.

Originally posted by artistpoet
It is sometimes hard for people to understand anothers experience.

You hit the nail on the head there...and what I want to do is to address that...