Subtle joke thread.

I really like subtle jokes. Here's my favorite:
The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate his birthday with a little rum. Unfortunately he got very drunk and the captain saw him. When he sobered up the captain showed him the ship's log. It said "the first mate was drunk today". "captain please delete that from the log." said the first mate. "this could add years to me becoming a captain myself." "is it true?" asked the captain already knowing the answer. "yeah it's true." the first mate admitted. "If it's true then it goes in the log." said the captain. About a month later it was the first mate's turn to do the ship's log. He wrote: "the ship was in very good shape today. The captain was sober."

i think you forgot to write the punchline.

reply to post by lacrimosa

I said subtle jokes. Think about it.
Edit: Ah whatever. Here's a hint: He says "the captain was sober today". What are the implications of that statement?

Originally posted by targeting
I really like subtle jokes.

So...
Schrödinger's Cat walks into a bar, and doesnt.

reply to post by targeting

Here's some more: I told a girl she had drawn her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

A man checks into a hotel and warns the front desk clerk that he is very religious. "I hope your porn is disabled," says the religious man.
The hotel clerk replies, "It's just regular porn, you sick bastard!"

I hate that if a girl has sex with a lot of guys everyone calls her a slut, yet if a guy does the same thing everyone calls him gay.

What'd the bully say to the solipsist?
Stop hitting yourself.

Every day for years and years a customs agent carefully searched through this guy's wheelbarrow. Finally when he was about to retire, the customs agent asked the guy, "We've become friends. I've searched your wheelbarrow every day for many years. What is it you're smuggling?"
"My friend, I am smuggling wheelbarrows."

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

"Imagine you are a congressman. Now, imagine you are an idiot. Ah, but I repeat myself..." --Mark Twain.

My friend told me I don't understand irony...
...which was ironic because I was standing at a bus stop at the time.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

A baby seal walks into a club...

A fireman storms into a packed conference room wielding one of those large fire axes.
"Everyone, This is not a drill!"

A man walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, and says, "I'll have some h2o." A second man then walks up and says, "I'll have some h2o too."
The second man dies.

I love self-deprecating humor, but I'm afraid I'm not very good at it.

Two goldfish were in their tank. One turns to the other and says, "You man the guns, I'll drive."

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.

Remember when we used to be nostalgic?

where did the general hide his armies?
in his sleevies

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”
“Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they’re going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car, collecting donations.”
“How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks.
The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”

"Imagine you are a congressman. Now, imagine you are an idiot. Ah, but I repeat myself..." --Mark Twain.

King Arthur has to leave Camelot for a month. Before he goes, he fixes Guenever with a magical chasity belt that will cut off anything that is stuck into the hole. He leaves, and a month later, Arthur returns. He then asks every man at the Round Table to drop their pants. Every man except for Lancelot has their Trouser Titan cut off. Arthur is furious. "I thought I could trust you all! Look, only my dear friend Lancelot has restrained himself from my wife. Good sir, Lancelot, what do you have to say to these ruffians?" Lancelot didn't say anything.

reply to post by targeting


There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drives off. The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then leaves. The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says "Are you sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me. Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God "You told me You would take care of me! What happened?" God replied "Well are you kidding me? I sent you two boats and even a helicopter. What else did you want?"

Did you hear about the streaker in church? He was caught by the organ.

A history professor and a psychology professor are at a nudist colony.
The history professor asks, "Have you read Marx?"
The psych professor says, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."

a woman walked into a library and asked for a book on euphemisms. The librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Smelleep!

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.


Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do. He spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment. Probably turning in his grave.

reply to post by targeting


See I think it means he wasn't any other day, but you didn't write "today" in the original post.

Nice though.

Every day for years and years a customs agent carefully searched through this guy's wheelbarrow. Finally when he was about to retire, the customs agent asked the guy, "We've become friends. I've searched your wheelbarrow every day for many years. What is it you're smuggling?"
"My friend, I am smuggling wheelbarrows."

Brilliant.

George Carlin. Bumper sticker... "Honk if your horn is broken."

I don't know where I heard this in the last week but it was funny. You know the pundits are always quoting stats? Check it. "No team has ever won the Superbowl when trailing after the fourth quarter." Great joke.

Have you heard about the cannibal who passed his brother on the trail?

Old but still funny.

"When I die, I wanna go in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming like the passengers in his car".

A guy walks up to me and says..

I'm a wigwam..I'm a Teepee

I'm a wigwam.. I'm a teepee..

i say..

relax man you're to tents...