So Sad, but too late I fear.........

reply to post by freespirit1


I will gently remind you that you cannot control what he does. When you love someone that is hard to accept, it is still true. When someone is self destructive, there is not enough love in the world. He must love himself, he must choose to change. "hugs"

reply to post by R3velutionR3quired


We watch football.... he has his beer/vodka shots....... I intervene between him and anyone around because well... he can get downright nasty. I have been sober so I can tell him what an A$$ he is being, then he usually stops with that, has a few more shots, then goes to bed.

He gets into it with anyone that will get into it with him, and I feel like I have to be the one to intervene, and well... plain and simple, can't do that if I've been drinking.

reply to post by Iamschist


Thank you for that! Much love, peace and hugs your way!!! I am a "fix it" kind of person and find it hard to not be able to fix this situation

reply to post by freespirit1


Thanks so much for your honest answers. This gives me (and the other posters) a more in-depth understanding of the situation you are describing.

I see that he is able to stop the emotional abuse and be decent when he senses you are bothered. Know why? He knows he is pushing it and is afraid that you will leave him.

Now, only YOU can decide what is "right" and what is "wrong", but as somebody who was worked in the mental health field for years, I sense that he will continue down this same path until his body gives out unless the situation changes drastically. Since he is too stubborn to even get help for something like excessively high blood pressure, whatever changes must be done on your end.

You can either have a straight-up talk with him, and tell him that you cannot sit around and see him kill himself so you will be leaving if he doesn't get help....or you can continue the begging and pleading with no real action on your part......or you can do nothing, watch him commit slow suicide, and hope he has good life insurance.

I admire your ability to "stick with it no matter what", and I am amazed that he is able to continue holding down a job despite his condition. Honestly, he is way too young to be this ill. He can be saved if he gets some intervention and some medical attention. What another poster mentioned is good advice: You ought to stop drinking ALL TOGETHER yourself, to set the example. Go to your doctor and get some sleeping pills to help you with insomnia, or you can buy valerian root at any drug store...three valerian root capsules will put you to sleep.

You watched your sister go through the same thing. We often attract people in our lives that help us to keep reliving the same old script, and nothing will change unless you take it upon yourself to tear up that old script and write a new one. You are dealing with somebody's physical life here....are you willing to do what it takes to change things? Only you can answer that.

Best of luck to you.

reply to post by R3velutionR3quired

I am so scared of the near future........... Thank You ATS for all of your input!

His son and I have tried to intervene, but he doesn't agree and won't go. Like I said in an earlier post, I left work early, HOPING to catch him IN PAIN, when he said he would go with ME. By the time I got home, he was telling me he was getting better, because he had a few shots of vodka and a few beers.

I am really worried. There is nothing more we can do that I can think of.

reply to post by FissionSurplus


I don't drink anymore.............. and I really do think it makes it worse. I DO however realize after watching my sister do the same thing is that I am not at fault. I have done what I can, excessive nagging, threats, just being a plain b*tch.... and am enforcing it for his son too.

You need to leave and take care of yourself and the rest of your family.
I so understand your situation. I've lost several people to floating liver disease.
Unless you do something drastic and positive for YOURSELF, all you will continue to do is enable his drinking, and make your life continually miserable until something bad does happen.

Pack your stuff and go. Tell him that all he has to do is get some help and then you two can talk, but you have to start thinking about YOU now. It is a lot harder than it sounds, I know.
You don't have to go down with the ship, you shouldn't feel like you do.

It says alot about your character that your trying to help and love him enough that your willing to stay so he's not alone but you need to think about the effects it has on you as well as the rest of the people that love you. I have been put through hell for two years by the person i'v been married to for twentytwo years. With him It stated as depression, turned into a full mislife crisis and now he definately has some major mental issues. I tried so hard to help and be there for him from the begining and I price I now pay is deep. I have an ulcer, became aneroxic, was put on antidepressants and see a therpist and the best of all was the herpes he brought home. Because of him my daughter has anxiety, depression and see's a therpist and son became expert eye roller evertime his father enters the room. My brother suffered a nervous breakdown because of him and thats only part of it. So the bottom line here is you need to do wants best for you and the other people effected by him

reply to post by freespirit1


I remember your post as well. I like your honesty and straightforwardness. It's refreshing. I understand how hard it is to leave someone that you love for the sake of everyone involved. I really do. Alcohol isn't the case here, but regardless of the reason, it's still hard. Especially when you've given so much of yourself for so long. There's a part of you that thinks you've got so much invested in the relationship that you would be just walking out on all that hard work. There's a part of the decision making process that doesn't involve your "other half" so to speak. But the fact that you're even considering the idea tells me that leaving needs to be done.

It's situations like these where nobody is NOT going to be hurt. Bottom line I think, find a way and time to leave to where the emotional pain is at a minimum. I'm sure you've talked to him and told him how you feel. He's on the same page there, so when you do leave it won't come as much of a surprise to him.

Leaving a way of life is hard. And it gets harder the longer you stay in it. It's especially hard knowing that when you do, you're leaving the door open for another friendship or relationship to walk in. If this is your case, the other person needs to know and understand that it's not a matter of IF you leave but a matter of WHEN. And hopefully they're understanding as to why it's taking longer than both of you want. You certainly don't want them to think that you're leading them on.

Something you never mentioned in your posts is a matter of money. This is obviously a very emotional time for you, but you have to keep your money situation in mind at all times. If it just isn't financially realistic for you to leave right now, my advice is to keep communicating with him on how you feel. This serves two purposes: first it will make the actual leaving less painful for both of you because you both have a clearer understanding as to why this is being done. And secondly, it gives you more time to save up more funds so you don't have to live uncomfortably when you do leave. With all you're going through right now, it wouldn't be fair to you to live a sub-standard life on your own in conditions that only a lack of money can give you just because you got overly emotional about something. You have to keep your head in the game I guess is what I'm saying.

Hopefully this song can help you with what you're going through right now. I know that I personally can relate to it right now.

youtu.be...

Good luck hon. I'll burn a candle for ya.

reply to post by noonesdonkey


I'm so sorry you have had to go through all that.... Some of that we have in common. Thanks for your input, and I will be praying for you and yours from now on also Keep in mind that we are responsible for our own lives even though sometimes it is really hard to deal with a situation. Love and peace to you, bigtime!

reply to post by Taupin Desciple


Thank you so very much for your reply. I know what I need to do, and right now to be frank, financially I can't do anything. I went to get my "reserve" and it was gone.... 'Nuff said...... What is done is done, and am trying to figure out how to do things the way they should be done, rather than how I think they should..... Done trying to think with my heart rather than my head....

I appreciate your answers and replies, and am grateful to have such friends on ATS, hopefully the trolls will stay away and we all can continue to have intelligent conversations.

I want to say something, but am afraid it will sound callous. It isn't meant to be.

You think your husband may only have a couple of months or so left to live. If that is the case, I think you are strong enough to stay and handle it. In some ways that is the easy option.

But what if he, miraculously, gets the help he needs and starts on a very long road to recovery? Can you deal with that? Because that's the rest of your life together - which could be decades. And all the while you would worry that if you, for whatever reason, wanted to leave him and have your life to yourself, he'd go back to drinking.

He's always had that stick to beat you with. And he carries on the way he does because he knows that you've stuck with him no matter what he did. And he'll keep expecting you to do that.

Please, don't make any threats unless you intend to carry them out. Never threaten or give him ultimatums. If you don't follow through and do what you threatened, then he'll never have any reason to take your threats seriously.

Best thing would be to make your decision privately and then tell him what it is - and don't change your mind. Either tell him you're staying and stay. Or tell him you're going and go. No conditions, no negotiations.

If you say you're staying on condition of this or condition of that you're just giving him a chance to (deliberately or not) break the condition. You don't want that, it will just add to your stress. You'll end up having the same old arguments.

Really, since the change can only come from him and he doesn't seem able to change, you have to face dealing with life as it is now for how ever long he survives or until he has some major change in attitude. How likely is that? He's dying and that's not been enough incentive to change up until now.

So there you are - life as it is now in the short term or life as it is now in the long term? And all you can do is change your own coping strategies.

If it were me, I'd grit my teeth and cope short term. If I only had the long term to look forward to, that's not so easy to answer.

What a sad situation to be in. I really feel for you, yet at the same time admire your strength.

This very thing killed my Auntie, she would inject oranges, hide bottles of vodka in the toilet cistern, she had drink planted everywhere.

My Mum and the rest of the family really believed they could bring her back from this downward spiral and ignored the advice from doctors.

Basically, they said disown her, she needs to hit rock bottom. They couldn't do that and in time she died.....now they live with the guilt that they killed her, as if they had disowned her, maybe then she would have survived it.

What a sad situation to be in. I really feel for you, yet at the same time admire your strength.

This very thing killed my Auntie, she would inject oranges, hide bottles of vodka in the toilet cistern, she had drink planted everywhere.

My Mum and the rest of the family really believed they could bring her back from this downward spiral and ignored the advice from doctors.

Basically, they said disown her, she needs to hit rock bottom. They couldn't do that and in time she died.....now they live with the guilt that they killed her, as if they had disowned her, maybe then she would have survived it.