Hello again preppers and survivalist. Life changing reality.

reply to post by dmonkey



I just want to take the time to THANK EVERY ONE OF YOU WHO HAVE REACHED OUT IN CARING TO ANGRY AMERICAN.

I have not heard back from the ATS powers that be . . . hopefully all is well enough. If anyone hears anything, please U2U me.

I was just reviewing the last half dozen posts or so by all you caring ATSers.

It brought tears to my eyes to see your outpouring of caring.

CONGRATS.

There's a lot in the current state of affairs in the world that tends to squeeze out selfLESSness in behalf of selfISHness and it is such a welcome sight to see y'all's selfless caring toward our buddy on this thread.

Certainly . . . survival will increasingly depend on how well we are able and how willing we are able

to reach out to one another.

There will be many we can't help.

And many that are too dangerous or too futile to help and we will have to be triage wise about such horrific situations.

However, in situations like this one . . . imho, we must care as we would like to be cared for.

Otherwise, what kind of creature would we be.

Anyway--THANKS TONS for the encouragement of seeing your heart-felt caring extended so touchingly.

YEA! GOOD ON YA.

I'd give y'all applauses had I the power. LOL.

I guess I can do it this way:



.

Ime alive if you call sleeping 20 hours a day living

reply to post by angryamerican


About damn time.

You had us very worried. You have to stop sleeping. You have to make the first move to make yourself better. I sent you a U2U.

Please don't stay away so long next time.

reply to post by angryamerican













(just because it's a fun silly pic)

SOMETIMES, getting dressed and eating someting is about all we can manage. And that's OK.
Then tomorrow, we manage a bit more. By choice. And by dogged determination and resilience that we reach out and lay ahold of with all we're worth--regardless--because you are worth it.









AT LEAST YOU DID *NOT* DO THIS:





OR THIS:



OR THIS:



OR THIS



AND............ WHEN WE HURT OR EVEN FAIL MISERABLY

WE CAN STILL GET UP AND TRY AGAIN.

WE CAN EVEN GO IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION.


YOU ARE LOVED MAN. FACE IT. AND IT'S OK TO BE LOVED.

EVEN "From a distance . . . " cue music.





LIVING IS BETTER THAN SOME OTHER VERY HORRIFIC OPTIONS
(WATCH THE NARRATIVE ABOUT THE QUADrapalegic in my sig lines):

The image I had about

WHEN WE CHOOSE AN ACTION,
WE ALSO CHOOSE THE CONSEQUENCES OF THAT ACTION

is not posting right so I'll just type it above.

YOU HAVE THE CAPACITY to be master over your feelings REGARDLESS. They are ONLY INFORMATION.

Feelings CAN be useful information.

Feelings can be DEADLY information.

They are only information. CHOOSE to deal with that information GROWTHFULLY, OVERCOMINGLY.

THAT'S a habit that brings good fruit and eventual joy and fulfillment. Those are consequences you can live with.

Blessings,


.

reply to post by angryamerican



HEY!

STOP KICKING YOURSELF SO MERCILESSLY.

That's an Order!

It does NOT help you.

And Stop with all the WHAT IF rumminating.

At least take 5-15 minute breaks from it. Outlaw it in your mind for 5-15 min of every hour.

reply to post by BO XIAN


I appreciate the concern and the info. The hardest part though wasn't that I was "Angry", I would be fine and then snap. I'm back over here now and haven't had a problem so we think it may be a combination of failure to adjusting and a lack of stress. The second one blew my mind when she said it, but it made sense once she explained it. I'm so adjusted to high stress I need it to fuction apparently. I have been talking to people with the same problems and learning how they deal with it. It helps to know I'm not alone.

reply to post by angryamerican


prayers coming your way. so what do you know about strange sounds happening around the world?

Originally posted by dmonkey
reply to post by angryamerican

 

prayers coming your way. so what do you know about strange sounds happening around the world?

Dont know any thing about it only thing I hear are the sounds of my heart breaking sorry I know thats not much help

reply to post by angryamerican


there is plenty of places in here on ATS and Youtube talking about it. It is something worth looking at if you haven't. since your into survival and all. they have heard these strange sounds coming from above in almost every state. and quite a few other countries.

just do a search for strange sounds around the world or noises around the world. there are some hoax videos but i do not think ALL of them are fake.

i heard something similar and i am puzzled by it all.

as for your breaking heart... (hugs). it will be ok. just have to keep moving forward.

I just wanted you to know that I'm still checking on you. Tonight I'm not going to tell you anything. Might say something I shouldn't. But I'm here checking on you.

While you are checking on the strange sounds (they are really creepy), could you pull some thoughts together and tell me your opinion on D4rk Kn1ght?

Stay strong my friend, i know what place your in, and it's a place i never dreamed of being in.
My recent break-up has left me cold, bitter, and as weak as a kitten, but what keeps me here are my three kids, (15, 14, and 12 yo), who live with her, i can't even say her name.
If it wasn't for them.....well i just don't know.
Be strong and maybe we can get through this together.

reply to post by angryamerican

HEY, SNODGRASS!

REJOICE!

Listening to the sound of your heart breaking

IS

INFINITELY BETTER THAN

if you had

NO HEART!

And being alive in this dimension is infinitely better than being alive in a hot dark and greatly more painful dimension.

Yeah . . . some paths our existential thrownness compells us to trod are excruciating.

No doubt about that.

As Merlin said to King Arthur at the end of the Movie CAMELOT,

"The only thing for being sad, is to learn something."

My suggestions for the day/week/month:

Perhaps you could make a list of what you've been learning out of all of this.

I'd suggest two lists.

ONE: STRICTLY POSITIVE.

TWO: ONLY IF YOU MUST to get the stuff out at arm's length and flush it--a bitterness, negative list. Then, repent for such, and let such go. Flush each item on that list as beneath your quality of person to entertain.

And, as soon as you can at all manage it . . . brace yourself . . .

DETERMINE to forgive your wife.

Even if she is 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999% in the wrong.

DETERMINE to forgive her.

Not a feeling. A choice.

Not for her, FOR YOU.

You cannot get on with your life sufficiently well without forgiveness.
You cannot sleep sufficiently well without forgiveness.
You cannot be at peace within yourself without forgiveness.
You cannot be whole, yourself, without forgiveness.
You cannot grow without forgiveness.
You cannot be healthy without forgiveness.
You cannot overcome without forgiveness.

Everytime the thoughts of any hurt or hurtful memory or any such comes up--and you are tempted to entertain vengeful thoughts; self-pity thoughts . . . bitter thoughts . . .

Say, "No! I choose to let it go. I choose to forgive her fully."

"I will not punish her nor wish her punishment."

"I choose to cut the chain. I will not be tied to her and her junk any longer by any unforgiveness. I choose to release her to whatever disciplines life, God, the universe deliver to her and I want no part of that cycle or connection."

Forgiveness is not about excusing the other person's wrongs or evils. It is about detaching yourself from their junk and all connected to their junk.

It is also taking yourself out of the position of judge, jury, prosecutor & executioner. You aren't perfect enough for those roles.

As often as the hurts and negative stuff come up--just repeat with as much conviction as you can muster:

"No! I choose to forgive her. period."

Besides, if you want forgiven by God or whomever, you'd better plant forgiveness if that's what you want to harvest.

It does not mean that there are no consequences for her junk, her evil. And, if it's fitting . . . such as economically or whatever--if it's fitting and honorable to insure that she doesn't punish, steal from, further hurt you--you may NEED to take actions that essentially punish her but it must not be your goal.

Your goal needs to be to protect yourself fittingly, not to punish her. AND YOU DO NEED TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM FURTHER DAMAGE FROM HER.

But that's quite different from the forgiveness issue.

Some may cry--oh, it's too soon to ask him to forgive the gritch.

No. It's not. I emphasize, FORGIVENESS IS FOREMOST A DECISION. Tenacious disciplined persistent forgiveness will result in FEELINGS of forgiveness. And the feelings are nice when they transition to peace and acceptance. HOWEVER, it IS important to move in that direction decisively immediately.

Otherwise, roots of bitterness take root in your soul, spirit, mind, heart . . . and deliver a horrific harvest of further pain and destruction.

You do NOT need that on top of all the pain you've already had.

Growing up and moving on REQUIRES FORGIVENESS

as does a good night's redemptive, restorative sleep.

Anyway--Pulling for you.

You remain loved, cared for, prayed for.

Sincerely,
BX
.
.

Originally posted by andypb
Stay strong my friend, i know what place your in, and it's a place i never dreamed of being in.
My recent break-up has left me cold, bitter, and as weak as a kitten, but what keeps me here are my three kids, (15, 14, and 12 yo), who live with her, i can't even say her name.
If it wasn't for them.....well i just don't know.
Be strong and maybe we can get through this together.

My condolences.

I hope you have frequent contact with your kids.

I suggest considering getting a few packs of 4 X 6" note cards--say a pack or two for each kid.

And . . . perhaps some post card stamps if you think mailing them would work. Or just give them to them once a week or once a month.

Perhaps every other day or sometimes as often as you think of them . . . Jot your caring thoughts about them on the card. Date it. Initial it. Add a wish or prayer for their health that day; their success that day; their joy that day. Maybe a joke for that day that you got from the net or wherever. Maybe a funny animal pic printed on the blank card from ICANHAZCHEEZEBURGERS LOL cats--whatever it's called.

Doing so would do a lot of things.

1. It communicates your persistent love, thoughts, caring, and the importance they are to you--regardless of what the ex is saying, claiming or perversely doing to drive a wedge.

2. It gives you something constructive to do toward expressing your caring persistently, faithfully.

3. It documents your caring in a practical, tangible, hard record sort of way. If you wish . . . for possibly important legal reasons, you can scan a copy of each card into your computer record or for a hardcopy record.

4. If any of your kids are sons, I'd seriously consider doing what you could to have them live with you at such critical ages.

BTW, the odds are that you and/or your wife and therefore to some degree your kids . . . have been afflicted with significant degrees of ATTACHMENT DISORDER/ REACTIVE ATTACHMENT DISORDER.

Note: "Maltreatment" can be defined as any significant degree of any or any combination of the following:

1. Neglect--not "BEING THERE FOR" the child in critical ways and degrees and times--particularly not in a faithful, emotionally PRESENT, reliable way.

2. Verbal, emotional, physical, sexual abuse

3. Being absent--simply not being there.

4. Parental addictions--alcohol, workaholism, drugs, TV, computer, sex, whatever.

5. Harshness, mean-ness, spitefulness, demeaning communications in words, tones, punishments.

etc.

The following articles are some of the best brief treatments I know on the topic with some suggestions for overcoming such.

First a description of the problem:

"Bonding and Attachment in Maltreated Children; Consequences of Emotional Neglect in Childhood by Dr Bruce Perry, MD PhD

(Scroll down for the article)

teacher.scholastic.com...


SOME WAYS TO HELP:

Bonding and ATtachment in Maltreated Children: How you can help. Dr Bruce Perry MD PhD

teacher.scholastic.com...

------------

Note, the article on how to help is written more for younger kids. However, kids and adults WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED A SIGNIFICANT DEGREE OF ATTACHMENT DISORDER ARE EMOTIONALLY STUNTED. THEIR EMOTIONAL AGES ARE YOUNGER THAN THEIR CHRONOLOGICAL AGES.

And, we all need touch at all ages--particularly when we have been touch starved, skin starved for healthy, non-sexual affectionate touch.

Anyway--FWIW . . . for your consideration.

Feel free to ask questions.

reply to post by BO XIAN


Thank you for your advice, i get to have my kids every weekend, from friday to sunday, which is something to be thankful for.
All my kids, two boy's and a girl, want to come and live with me, not because there mother is abusive, she is a good mum, she feeds them and clothes them well, but she is quite abrupt with them and doesn't really communicate with them, unless it's to ask them to do the hovering or bring their dirty clothes down or some other chore.
Where i sit down with them and talk about anything, how there day was, how's school, or what do you think about a certain subject, i let them make decisions about what we should do on a certain day.....we just talk about anything, and it's wonderful.
And my youngest kid (my daughter), well the boy's call her my shadow, and she's been like that since she was old enough to crawl.

I'm thankful for my three kids, they are the best thing i have in my life, i thought of my ex the same way, until she did the dirty on me.

Thanks again.


Hope your ok angry american, be stong my friend.

reply to post by andypb

!THAT'S SOOOOO WONDERFUL!

WHAT AN EXCELLENT JOB WELL DONE!

!CONGRATULATIONS!

VERY IMPRESSIVE.

What a relief and Joy to read!

You have greatly encouraged me today.

Thanks.

I can't recall a single similar case in 30+ years of counseling . . . where the Dad was that successful with the kids--particularly at those ages. I am sooooooooo impressed. Stunned. YEA! YEA! YEA!

Maybe you should write a book on how to do it for other Dads who perform far more miserably at such tasks and relationships. Seriously.

You could publish it on Amazon.com's Kindle program easily and free in the Kindle only version.

It could change a lot of lives coming from a FIRST PERSON narrative account.

What a blessing to read your narrative about that. I'm soooooo thrilled to start my day with that. THANKS THANKS THANKS!

ANGRY AMERICAN, I hope you can take comfort and encouragement that you have contributed a lot to the SURVIVAL SKILLS AND FOCUS

of probably many hundreds of people with this thread.

And, with examples like that of Andy PB above . . . you are helping many hundreds of people better their survival skills lives and family relationships.

PLEASE TAKE COMFORT IN THAT.


.


.


.

reply to post by andypb



I think these issues are very important to the issues involved with SURVIVAL and

to the issues and factors contributing to Angry American's current angst. I hope people can ponder them redemptively and productively.

BTW, I assume you realize that many people . . . both sexes . . .

come from sufficiently ATTACHMENT DISORDERED backgrounds

that they can readily to eventually be sucked into behaving horribly . . . just to make things normal . . . to their deeply ingrained self-concept from the childhood.

I didn't realize until recently that such ATTACHMENT DISORDERED early experiences actually leave individuals brain-damaged in areas critical to forming lasting emotionally close relationships.

I don't know if that would fit your wife, or not. Plausible, to me.

There are, of course other reasons for misbehaving . . . but I think the above is the most common, in my experience.


Sigh.

It can take a lot to overcome such . . . even with hard work on the individual's part and with professional help.
.

reply to post by BO XIAN


Thank you for the encouragement, it helps a great deal....thank you
My darkest thoughts are during the week, sometimes i just can't bare to go on.
And sometimes i just sit with the lights off, in the dark and cry, and i'm just counting the minutes and hours, until the weekend.
As for writing a book to help others...i wouldn't know where to start.

Thanks again, you've given me the lift i needed today....

And it's friday, which means my baby's will be here soon

Originally posted by andypb
reply to post by BO XIAN

 

Thank you for the encouragement, it helps a great deal....thank you

My darkest thoughts are during the week, sometimes i just can't bare to go on.
And sometimes i just sit with the lights off, in the dark and cry, and i'm just counting the minutes and hours, until the weekend.

As for writing a book to help others...i wouldn't know where to start.

THANKS MUCH for your kind reply.

I believe this dialogue between us is helpful for all those interested in survival with family relationships and particularly for

ANGRY AMERICAN in his current situation.

1. It's perfectly normal to sit in the dark and cry in such a situation. I did it toooooo long but it is what it is. Reality.

1.1 It's better to avoid getting overstuck in such a habit. And it can become a habit and the crying and wallowing can become its own kind of addictive behavior. However, I wouldn't worry overmuch about that for a few weeks to a month or 3 or 4. After 6-9 months . . . time to move on at least in some incremental steps.

1.2 It can help to journal your key repeated thoughts in such a state. Write them down. It helps to put them literally at arm's length. Then, you can periodically--daily or weekly--reflect on what you've written--learn from it and likely move on easier. You can see where the focus and themes of such notes are. And you can decide what focus you'd like to change; what new theme's you'd like to support.

2. Getting your body moving at least part of the day is quite important. Exercise regularly even better.

3. Other human contact also vital. That way you have something to feed your kids better emotionally because you've been fed emotionally and charged by adults who care for you and respect you.

4. Journaling can be a great place to start recording raw material for a book.

5. You can also ask yourself and write down answers to these questions:

5.1 What were the early clues that I might end up here, that I ignored?

5.2 Why did I ignore them?

5.3 What could I have done differently in response to the other stimuli facing me?

5.4 What could I have said to myself that would have encouraged me to relate to those situations more redemptively, overcomingly, constructively?

5.5 What parts of all that were truly her problem vs what parts were my problem? What were the percentages of sharing on the shared parts?

5.6 What are the 5-7 MOST DYSFUNCTIONAL things that I typically said and did that I'd like to lay aside and put behind me to insure they don't plauge any other relationships nor my own psychological and emotional health?

5.7 What are the 8-12 MOST HEALTHY THINGS about my personality?

5.7.1 What are the 8-12 MOST HEALTHY THINGS about my thinking and habits?

5.7.2 What are 5-7 things I could improve on re my thinking and habits?

5.7.3 What 1-2 things of those am I willing to make progress on in the next 3-7 days?

5.7.4 By doing specifically what in terms of thinking habits and actions?

6. What 3-5 male friends can I begin to strengthen relationships with . . . contribute good things to their lives and receive good things from them . . . regularly?

6.1 What 1-3 other male friends and acquaintances might be good candidates to move into a closer friendship?

6.2 Who might be willing to be in a kind of mentor role with me for a year?

6.3 Who might like me as a mentor for a year?

7. How has my relationship with my wife impacted my kids the first 6 years of their lives? 6-10? 10-now?

8. What values did my wife and I talk about vs walk out truly?

9. Where were we hypocrites to each other? To our kids?

10. Where were we more concerned about what we were GETTING vs what we were GIVING to those we loved?

11. Where were the holes in our hearts, spirits, emotions that were never filled by Daddy love growing up that we kept trying to !DEMAND! and force others to fill for us in OUR required ways and timing?

. . .

Those questions could get you started. And, Book or not, they could be growthful to consider for you and ANGRY AMERICAN and any others in similar situations.

Just avoid getting stuck in a place from pondering them. Force yourselves to get up and move about preferably every 3-4 hours and certainly every day.

And check in with someone you love by phone daily--at least someone you care for and respect and who respects you. Almost doesn't matter who. You need maybe 7-12 people to rotate such with. At least 3-4. If you don't have such people in your lives--go to an old folks home and cultivate them . . . or a food bank . . . or a half-way house . . .

reply to post by BO XIAN


Truly...thank you for your time and advice.
And i shall do what you suggest, and start taking small steps to recover from this hell.
My only wish is that ANGRY AMERICAN take these steps with me, and not look at the situation as the end, but as a new beginning.
I know it's going to be hard, but it's something that needs doing, i hope you join me angry american.

Must go now, before my kids eat the couch.

Thanks again BO XIAN, people like you make the world a better place.

reply to post by andypb



Am deeply humbled and blessed by your kind reply.

Of course, bother only with what's fitting and fruitful for you.

Feel free to ask questions along the way.

Angry American . . . please use whatever of the above fits for you.

AND PLEASE LET US HEAR FROM YOU . . . DAILY, IF POSSIBLE.