First off, I am sorry for your having to go through this and I wish that it helped more than I know it does. I am amazed at your loss, and admire your
ability to still be grateful for the things left in your life.
You are a stand up guy for sure and it is admirable that you want to try to avoid
sending her to a facility so she can be in the comfort of her home, closer to those who love her most.
I helped my mother care for my grandmother who was dying from liver cancer for almost a year until we could no longer (for her pain control) do it out
of the hospital. As hard as that was, neither of us regretted it.
I can not stress enough how important it is that you give yourself breaks in her care. We all want to be superman and do everything on our own...
because no one can love them like we can. Right? But it gets emotionally exhausting as well as physically exhausting. You need breaks, even if it is
only an hour a day. You need to take care of YOU to take care of HER. If you remember that, then you will be more likely to not burn out. Don't use
those hour breaks to always do some other work either. Sometimes you just need to sit down and BE...
As for depression. There is really no way you can avoid the sadness or the hurt. Watching people we know just fade away is the most painful experience
we will ever have to face. Again, this is where you need to take care of you as well as her.
She loves you and would NEVER want to think it hurt you to watch her like that. We can hide it from our loved ones but we need to remember that we
would not want them to feel the way we are either.
Comfort yourself with the thought that you are giving her the biggest gift you could possibly give her. KNOW that she would not want you to have that
gaping hole in your heart. She would want you to live a happy life for you... and her. Her leaving this world knowing you will not cease to exist
mentally would be just as comforting to her as most everything else you can/will do.
Feel your feelings. Cry, rail, scream, fall to your knees. You have traveled a hard road and if you keep all that in all the time, you will destroy
yourself. It is a miracle that you still have it in your to want to do this so badly after all the loss you have suffered. There is no shame at being
hurt, pissed off, confused, questioning, etc.
I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers, and want to tell you that I am in awe of you this day. Truly.