A Parent's Worst Nightmare Come True: The Death Of My Daughter

Originally posted by ChaoticOrder
reply to post by OldCorp

 

Other than the scalp cut and the Y-incision in the chest, there shouldn't have been "a mess" that left the body bag "soaked with blood.". The quotes are from the funeral director who advised against me viewing her body in the strongest possible terms.

The funeral director has already seen the body and you haven't? I mean where is the body now, at some funeral house or something? So she has already had an autopsy by a coroner? Why would there be any blood after the body has been cleaned up and examined by the coroner (plus what you said about it only being a heart attack)? Something isn't adding up imo.

The funeral director is either lying because your ex told him/her to, or there's something else going.

edit on 27-1-2012 by ChaoticOrder because: (no reason given)

The funeral director also runs the crematorium. Her body was released by the county coroner directly to him. There is no more body, only ashes. To answer another post above, it was her mother that ordered the cremation. To be fair, I would have done the same if I'd been there; but I would never for a second thought of excluding her mother from the service.

But I'm SURE that he has been acting more in her interests than in mine. The dude isn't the typical "mortician," wearing black and talking like a fake English butler. No, he's a used car salesman if I ever saw one, complete with an apparent addiction to those film breath strips. I don't trust him as far as I can spit.

reply to post by r3axion


yes, possible explanation for this could be that once heart surgery had not gone well, the Doctors may have left her and not bothered to close up as they would usually do and forwared her body onto forensics/coroner.

Forensic's and Doctors grow harder and have a different mentality. One of my friend's Daughter was murdered and they kept various internal organs for investigative purposes. Clinical and cold, that is the only way I can describe it....heartless too. But to work in that area, it changes the individual.

My friend four months after the funeral service, got a call from forensics, a young woman rambled the facts off to her over the phone... "oh your Daughter's organs were perfect, so healthy!" Needless to say, my friend was a basket case. She was out shopping at the time.

She then had to drive and pick them up as she was told they were ready. She got there and was handed a bucket with her Daughter's organs wrapped in hession clothe. She drove to the funeral parlour to have them cremated. She has not and never will get over it. Not just the murder, but the entire process of red-tape and the clinical procedures.

Originally posted by r3axion
reply to post by OldCorp

 

It definitely shouldn't have. In your knowledge, did she have any medical issue that could have led to a heart attack?

Also, who is deciding that she gets cremated?

Her kidneys failed from a genetic illness (thanks for that too Barbara) when she was 17 and she was on dialysis 3 times a week. She also suffered from a seizure disorder of an as yet undetermined origin. At first her doctors thought it was a result of her not going to dialysis when she was supposed to (great parenting there Barbara) but when she came to live with me I made sure that she was at every appointment because I drove her there myself and she still had three over the course of that year. Epilepsy is what the doctors were going with most recently.

reply to post by r3axion


I don't know exactly what happened but it was deemed natural causes.

She just had a weak heart...

reply to post by Whateva69

My typos are crazy and my spell check doesn't like me
the above post was supposed to say.

I did a meditation for you, sending you aroma bouquets of flora and cherry perfume, i hope it reaches you with a bright light.

love and harmony
Whateva

I am in no position to comment on your personal situation with the mother of your daughter, and it is really none of my business. Since you offered it up in the memorial of your daughter. I can say by the sounds of it, she was most likely in a lot of pain as you were about the cruel political games that took place throughout the duration of her short life. She got caught in the middle of you and your ex's war of attrition between yourselves.

Kids are always thrown in the middle of bitter disputes, and that is absolutely appalling by my standards. Suffice it to say, we live in a cruel world. At the very least, you can rest assured that she wanted you in her life and accepted you as her father by calling out of the blue for your assistance. Cherish those memories and moments together, because life is fleeting. We could be here today and gone tomorrow. Don't wallow in the negativity brought on by others. She is at peace right now, and the affairs of this world can longer hurt her. At immeasurably tough times like you are experiencing right now, and I know you are experiencing a tempest of emotions. It is difficult to find solace.

By sounds of it, you went out of your way to be a part of her life and to acknowledge your role as her father. That means something, and it would have meant the world to your daughter. You did all you could do. As far as the mother goes? Let bygones be bygones. Perhaps one day down the road, you will get a phone call from her asking for forgiveness regarding how she hurt you and your daughter? Never sink to the levels of those who hurt us, because that is how they win. We must always strive to be above the negativity. Again, my condolences to you and your family at this trying time. May your angel rest in peace.

reply to post by Chadwickus


Before Barbara told the funeral director not to give me the ashes, he did give me a lock of her hair: DNA problem solved. There is no question about my paternity, at least there won't be in a few hours. I'm not the only person Barbara has screwed over. Her father, Ashley's grandfather with whom I'd kept in touch will tell whoever he has to that there was never any question, that Barbara had never claimed that there was any possible father for Ashley besides me. Barbara's sister isn't very happy with here either. Lisa is about the only person left who will support her, and that's only because she's an evil little clone.

I'm gonna hit the rack for an hour or so, then I'm taking my papers to try and find a judge who will issue an injunction preventing the home from giving the ashes to anyone until the issue of paternity is settled. Once it is, I'm confident it will be settled in my favor; but damn her for putting me through this.

reply to post by OldCorp


Bob, I'm soo sorry to hear about your daughter. Life just isn't fair at all sometimes.

Seriously, If you ever feel like chatting about thing's you know you can always PM me mate. Try to stay strong if you can!

Oh Bobby, I have no flowery words to express my most sincere condolences, but as a parent myself I feel like I've just been punched in the chest. I'm so sorry sweetheart.

My beloved BIL died four months into my marriage.

I will never forget my MIL collapsing on the floor. There are no words of comfort, in fact people will say outright stupid things to you.

What I really suggest is what I conider should be the new standard of grieving from supporters:

DO talk about the deceased. To those close to them, they want to hang onto every memory and moment.Don't act like the deceased is gone and forgotten. Talk, bring pictures.

Don't bring flowers. They are depressing when they die. Bring food, bring donations.

I asked for donations for the firehouse that tried to save my BIL and I took it to them and thanked them. They were speechless.

My mother sends sympathy cards every year after a loved one passes, to let the family know that they are not forgotten.

Visit AFTER the funeral. When the funeral or memorial service is done, the quiet in the home is suffocating and makes things worse.

Visit, call often, keep the people busy.That is what you can do if you want to help.

I don't know how parents go on. I know that if anything happened to my bean, you would hear about me jumping off the Bay bridge on the five oclock news.

8 years after my bil has passed, I can tell you that it doesn't get easier, but you do adapt.

BTW, a very close friend lost their son this morning. So this is unreal. You are not alone.

Seek support groups. Keep yourself busy. Let yourself grieve.

Im sorry.

reply to post by OldCorp


My condolences. I couldn't begin to imagine losing my children.
Stay strong.

Bob, did you ever have a DNA test done?

My condolences, may you find your peace.

reply to post by r3axion


It could be a defect. They happen more then you think. I had a friend who had to have major heart surgery with a six month recovery because they suddenly found a defect.

The surgeon delayed the surgery twice. When he finally went in, the defect got so bad that if they waited one more day he would of died.

friend was 23.

A coworker of my father's had a son die suddenly at 30 just to sleep apnea.

My one doctor had a daughter die of a rare and fast cancer only 2 months after diagnosis.He quite practising after that.

We tend to think that because of medical advances that young people don't die, and yes the numbers have dropped dramatically, but they still do.

Goodluck, Godbless and Godspeed on your families recovery. My prayers are with you Oldcorp

reply to post by OldCorp


[color=dodgerblue]Words are failing me now, Sir.

All I can say is that I am so sorry for your loss.

I think writing the blog and reaching out to the ATS community is a step in the right direction as far as grieving goes. There are various stages to the process. I can't remember what they are and what order they go in..

It's always going to hurt. That will never change. But eventually, with time, you will learn to cope with the pain. I don't think anyone ever gets over losing a child.

I wish you the best, from the very bottom of my heart.

I will say a prayer for you and your family.

I have read your blog. Don't do the would of could of should of. Those just make things worse and add guilt to your grief.

You did right by her. She came to live with you. Instead of kids who avoid their fathers.

Don't second guess. She loved you, she knew you. She came to live with you.

I suggest getting the DNA asap and get those rights the others have mentioned.

In the event you don't make the funeral, just have your own personal service. Funerals are for those left behind. She is somewhere, whatever your beliefs maybe, and sees you fighting. That is more important then any funeral to her.

Though you definetly want to get a hold of those ashes if you can.

If you need any help, just ask. I helped my stbxh through his loss, and his mother.

As for not seeing her in the final moments, she wasn't there. Her spirit was gone. And you don't want your last memory to be of her shell.

reply to post by OldCorp


You can talk to your doctor about some anti anxiety meds or some valium.

IN cases like these they are usually willing to help.

reply to post by OldCorp


Damn ,... all I can say is that's screwed up, really.
Sorry just doesn't seem to carry the weight to topple this mound of heartache, but it's unfortunately all I can offer you.

I'll pray for you, your daughter, and this whole situation. Hopefully that along with the sorrow felt will ease some of your suffering.

Love ya brother, hang in there.

Snow

As you know the mourning will never go away, it will ease with time but will always remain. I'm sorry to hear you lost your child and the hideous circumstances her mother has put you through all those years. All I can say is keep writing, it is the quickest way to emotionally heal as that seems to be your outlet. Mine was music. I lost my mother 7 years ago in June and think about her every day, I couldn't imagine losing a child so I can't relate in that way. Keep your head up.