A Parent's Worst Nightmare Come True: The Death Of My Daughter

This is more of a rant than anything else I suppose, so if it goes anywhere it should go here. Of course it wouldn't be the first time I've been wrong, so if there is a better spot... Mods, do your thing.

I lost my daughter on Monday. She was only 24 years old, and she was the light of my life. Since I found out she was gone, I've been in Hell. I've alternated between blood-curdling screams, uncontrollable sobbing, and states of sheer numbness. I haven't lost a close family member since my father died when I was 13. I wasn't expecting grief to be a tangible thing, something you feel deep in your chest threatening to tear outyour soul. It's almost too much to bear.

I decided to put some of what I'm experiencing down for posterity, which is what writers do. Since I'm writing this mostly for friends and family, as well as for general cathartic reasons, I posted it on my blog so that they could read it also. I'm not done posting about this by a long shot either; if you can stand it, I'd like to cry on your shoulders a few more times in the coming days and weeks. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and I'm really being thrown some curve balls.

So please read A Parent's Worst Nightmare Come True and come back to give me your thoughts and suggestions. What am I supposed to do? I sure could use a different perspective because nothing I'm doing seems to be working. I'm spent. I need help.

Bobby

I won't comfort you by saying she's in a better place, or try and reason about it.. I've never lost someone close to me. As for your beliefs - if God is real, and I'm not sure myself, surely He would be loving enough to understand anyone's doubts. Don't fret too much; someone with a kind heart would go to heaven even if they didn't believe a certain thing.


Just know that I cried for you and her a little. That and all my love is all I can really offer.

For tonight, you're in my thoughts. And this pillow with frogs on it, that I'll hug and pretend it's you.

reply to post by OldCorp



Hey Bob..

I'm so sorry to hear that.

As a Father of two with a daughter around the same age I could only imagine what you and your family are going through.


From one father to another Bob..



You are all in my prayers.
Peace my brother.
John

reply to post by OldCorp


My condolences friend, losing a child is horrible and I cannot begin to imagine the despair you must be feeling. You will be in my thoughts.

Just keep going even though the pain seems unbearable, it will never completely fade but it will get less with time. Even though it seems there is no hope now, you owe it to your daughter to carry on.

Having been through a difficult time recently the only advice I can give is to talk to someone, I understand that you probably wouldnt want to as it seems better to not bring it up, however it is very important that you do so you can work through this.

Also in such times one stops looking after yourself which only makes it worse, therefore force yourself to eat healthy even though you might not want to eat at all. You will need all your strength to get through this most difficult time.

Lots of love and life to you and your family.

reply to post by OldCorp


Dearest Bobby (OldCorp),

I am so very, very sorry for your loss. I have had much pain in life but still have my children. My aunt lost two of her children at about age 40 (them not her). I have never understood how she handled it so well, I know it hurt her immensely. I wish she were still alive so I could ask her and tell you; but, she passed away last year. I lost two dozen of my loved ones in two year; but, I still cannot understand losing a child, we are supposed to go first is what I always think. I think only someone who has lost a child can really relate to what you are experiencing and I have not had to face that hell. The best I can do is pray for you that God comforts you and if you do not believe in him then the best I can do is wish you comfort. I am so very sorry for not having more to offer. Condolences.

Bob, I am so so sad to hear this news from you. I cried along with you when reading the story you wrote about the parent's worst nightmare.

It is just so sad when you have a parent who wants so bad to be involved with his child, and is turned away. How can any mom see that as a bad thing? It's hard to understand.

I am sending hugs your way - and I live nearby - I'll give you one in person if you like.

Remember, there really is no religion in Heaven. She didn't need to believe in this life, she'll meet Christ himself in person if she so desires.

Oh,now that hit a chord...my deepest love for your lost one..

reply to post by OldCorp


Let me start by saying I am truly sorry for your loss
The best thing for now is just feel, Don't try to deny your emotions. The terrible feeling will stop when you are ready for it to stop. If you are unfamiliar with that you can try painting or writing. My best friend is an art therapist, I was having a hard time dealing with a loss then she recommended I use water color paints to express how I felt. It worked for me, everyone is different though.

reply to post by OldCorp


I am so sorry, she looks like a very sweet girl. I haven't lost any close family members yet, but I dread the day when it happens. I hope you're able to get through this without tearing yourself apart, but don't bottle it up either.

LISA GOTHAM: There is no animosity. We simply want to have a private and peaceful ceremony. No offence, but you coming here will only make things complicated. You'll have your chance to mourn her. I give you my word on that. You have a right to say goodbye, and you will have that chance. but not here with this family.

Wow... that's low. You're her father, you deserve to be there. They have no right to deny you that.

reply to post by OldCorp


Hi...I just got through reading what your wrote about your daughter....my heart goes out to you. She is a beautiful young woman...I say (is) because...she does still live on...she is just in another realm of existence....Heaven.

She too lives on in your heart and your love for her... and her love for you is eternal...love does not stop or die.

reply to post by OldCorp


Here`s a little story for ya.Was left with two messy diapers...I took them and made them march...til this day 9 years later their so dumb founded ,Kids are tools until puberty.

You can always dream about her, man, and if you believe in any kind of afterlife, you know she's better off wherever she is, and technically, she 'won the race' by beating the rest of us there.

She would hate to see you so torn up and sad, and she'd hate if you let your life fall apart over her.

best wishes all around

reply to post by OldCorp
2 shoulders, no waiting, Bob.

Anytime.

No father should be denied what you were denied. Honestly, those are just terrible people. That's the nicest way I can put it.

You did all you could do as a dad. You looked for her all those years and you proved that you loved her. All that matters in life is letting the people you love know that you love them. I can't say I know what it's like to lose a daughter, but I lost my best friend of 22 years last year to a freak car accident. Guilt is normal to feel, but you just have to keep reminding yourself that you loved her all you could and you did all you could do to make her happy in the time she spent here on Earth. The pain will always be there, but time heals all wounds.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss. I hope she will rest in peace, and I hope that you can find acceptance in yourself. It's all a process brother.

Take care.

Bob,you have my deepest condolences.

Prayers for you and your Family.............

Click here for more information.

Here's a little tidbit i don't know what to do with:

As I was driving through Ohio on my way to S.C. in the wee morning hours, I got a call from a man with whom I've been aquainted for about 6 years. He was in SIGINT and after he got out of the service he became a computer administrator and self-proclaimed Illuminatti expert. He told me that my daughter may have been murdered by TPTB as a warning to get me to stop posting videos.

Yeah, I thought the same thing: Whacky. But here is the conversation paraphrased from memory.

Me: Are you saying that they killed my little girl because of what I said on the show? Why would they do that? I'm practically a nobody with a very small viewership. Alex Jones has millions of listeners and talks about the same stuff all of the time and nobody is going after him.

My Friend: No they aren't are they Bobby? You might want to think about that for a second and ask yourself why.

Me: Are you saying Alex Jones is bought and paid for?

My Friend: That's exactly what I'm saying. Jones talks a lots about the globalists, but the last two episodes of your show, especially the Syria episode, identified the REAL powers that be, the Jews that aren't really Jews, the Synagogue of Satan." Alex Jones speaks a lot of true things, but in the end he's not saying anything that can't be found on the internet. It's your opinion, the way you put it all together, that struck too close to home for them, and that's why they killed your daughter. You still have four children left and they are trying to scare you into shutting up.

Me: Brother, I'm thinking that your theory is a little far-fetched; but even if you're right, there is nothing they can do to me that will silence me other than putting a bullet into MY brain. We're in the end game now brotherman (he is also a Christian who believes Christ will return soon) and I will NOT stand before the Lord and tell him that when it came time I was too afraid to stand up and tell the truth.

And that is how the conversation went for several hours, the topics of conversation ranging from how my daughter and I eventually got together to the NSA's ECHELON program that reads every email, fax, text message, and listens to every phone call placed. Just in case they were listening, and just in case they were responsible for my daughter's death, I told "them" exactly what I would do to them if I ever got my hands on them.

But like I said, the whole idea is pretty far-fetched. Still, that's just one more thing I've have to digest; even if it's total bullsnip.

Originally posted by Ghost375
Nothing of import.

I'm a freelance journalist and I do not get a salary from anyone - I made a whole $30 from Google Adsense in the past few months - so yes I have "Donate" buttons on my blog. Am I not allowed to make a living?

But if you'll notice, there is NOT one on the post about my daughter's death. For you to even insinuate that I'm trying to make money from her death is what is sick. Why don't you go crawl back under your rock.

reply to post by OldCorp

I'm am so so so so sorry for your loss, i am truly crying for you, i cant begin to understand, though i have a daughter around that age.

The only advise i can give is to just let the tears flow freely, and i hope you have sweet sweet dreams of her.

once again im so sorry x x x x

I did a mediation for you, sending you aroma bouquets of flora and cheery perfume, i hope it reaches you with a bright light.

love and harmony
Whateva

Originally posted by Ghost375

edit on 27-1-2012 by Ghost375 because: (no reason given)

You should be ashamed of yourself.

I can't delete your post, but anyone with an ounce of decency would.