Spiritual Journey - Lost Grip on Reality, Life in Shambles

I've begun a spiritual journey mid-2011 and ever since then my life has been in complete shambles. My ex-girlfriend and I have broken up after 2.5 years, I've lost all of my desire to socialize and make friends, and quite frankly I've been contemplating suicide (Save it, this isn't a pity thread) more and more as time goes on.

I'm confused about what to believe about life and reality. I read that we create our reality, I read that life is an illusion, I read that I/we am/are god and can do whatever the hell we want, I read that there are higher forces guiding us, and so many different things. It's incredibly frustrating and I just want to go back to being happy again. What's standing in the way? My life contemplation. The fact that I'm still massively in love with my ex-girlfriend whom I live with and is seeing somebody else, the fact that I have no job or passion, no friends, no desire to make friends.. basically - everything is in shambles.

I read all of this about "Ascension", but what if that's just a crock of crap? Everybody has different beliefs about everything and nothing is ever certain. Am I "Ascending"? If so, why the hell does it have to suck so bad if it's supposed to be so good?

"Hey, you're ascending. Time to lose the woman you love, your job/career, all of your friends and desire to socialize, and you're going to be miserable for a year and counting! Oh yeah, we're also going to add the stress of you wanting to kill yourself on a daily basis, but you won't do it. Enjoy ascension!"

Seriously, I'm confused, and quite frankly just fed up with everything. I tried getting into numerology for a while and that gave me an incredible amount of hope, but then I started wondering if my life was being guided by something higher or if it's just my own belief in numerology thats manifesting into my life. Just when I decide on one belief system, all of this comes back around and stresses me out.

I've been having a lot of synchronicity lately, and certain things I can't tell whether I've manifested or if I'm just having psychic experiences (Such as me wanting to get a knife pulled on me, then weeks later it happening which I explained at another thread I made: www.abovetopsecret.com... )

I'm not here to try to make anybody feel bad for me, I'm here because I'm hoping that somebody who is on this road or has been on this road can help me pull it together.

An interesting shift happened within this very opening post.
Paragraph two in particular.
The easiest way to show the author what seems obvious over here,
is through some simple browser commands.

type CTRL+F (this is the hot key to bring up the search function on Windows systems)
enter the word "we" and follow it with a single space "we_" (space is underlined for illustration purposes.)

Notice it only occures three times, and _only_ in paragraph two.


Twye CTRL+F
enter the single letter "i" preceded and followed by a single space. "_i_" (underlined for illustration)

Notice the word "i" is everywhere, and in every paragraph.





My advice...
use the word "we" more often,
and quit discarding it just as soon as it works.


David Grouchy

reply to post by OhNoItsCritical


it seems to me you lack direction

if you are experiencing synchronicities, why not just let go and ride the synchronicity highway and see what happens?
perhaps you should go on a vision quest

you are already able to manifest like your robbery at knife point, but "without being pushed around or hurt" has demonstrated

also you seem to have the necessary adjunct of Power but are still lacking in Knowledge
reading some Peter Carroll should help

Liber Null & Psychonaut: An Introduction to Chaos Magicwww.archive.org...

I understand that this is happening to humanity, and I've turned away from religion thinking that religion has been used to misguide us of our true power, but then at the same time what if this power is truly not meant to be tapped into?

I'm afraid that me doing all of this, getting into the whole manifestation and law of attraction could be evil, like Christianity says, we shouldn't have obtained certain knowledge.. but then it goes back to why would we be limited, wouldn't that encourage us to give our power away?

I've been so obsessed with sacred geometry and whatnot lately, and it just worries me that I'm doing something that I shouldn't be doing. In fact, the music that I listen to has changed drastically, and most of the artists that I listen to are all heavily into sacred geometry and whatnot.

There's always two sides to everything. Though I stray far from religion, what if it's right and there really is a hell and that I'm tapping into dark things?

reply to post by OhNoItsCritical

there is NO sacred geometry. there are patterns.
life prefers patterns...i logical no god here.
check out madhelbrot and fractals. you will be amazed.

Obsession with anything is not healthy. It's time for you to go for a walk. I mean a nice walk in a park or in a small forest somewhere and meditate while you walk. Find a lake or if you're near the ocean, go there and meditate. Spend time clearing your mind. Empty it entirely. That's where you start.

Letting go of things is hugely beneficial. Your relationships will change as your relationship with yourself changes. Allow those changes to happen. Let go of anything that wants to go. It may find you again later, it may not. It really doesn't matter. Room for new is always welcome, is it not? Find peace first. When you said "obsession", that was a huge indication that although you are aware of some things, you're not getting others. Find silence and find peace.

Your life is not in shambles. It was broken because it had to be. I'm in my fifth year of unemployment now and I've never been unemployed for a day since I was 14. I've got 30 years work experience and I haven't had an interview once in this whole process. It takes time.

And forget suicide. With that, you're meant to be tearing yourself down inside and examining everything that makes you "you". Too much of what we are is put there by others. It is not our own. Take yourself apart and rebuild so that you are more the person you really are, the person you love above all else.

Find your silence, find your peace, find your love. You don't know them yet.

A person seeking might seek for messages. Sometimes help comes from unexpected places.

reply to post by OhNoItsCritical


since you are attached to nothing really why dont u take advantage of that fact and go try smthg different objectively, u have nothing to loose since yourself free sense is obvious concept in ur head, u can add just smthg while you could benefit from killing time positively, till smthg clear show up or nothing but your subjective realisations as add value that confirm ur freedom which is then necessarily positive effect

unless of course all beyond will come to force u in cage but they seem all busy in doing smthg else now so stop reading and enjoy using ur legs in ur head in amplifying small tiny physical steps to absolute positive value adds

Welcome to the dark night of the soul. This is truly a spiritual journey. In the depths of despair and misery, when all else is lost, we are faced alone in the darkness with ourselves.

Take a walk in the woods, and have a talk with the powers that be.
Reconnect with your natural surroundings and ground yourself.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
Face the pain, and ask for help in letting it go.
It is as simple as stating vocally what you want, and then allowing spirit to help it manifest for you.
I have been there before myself. I know how it feels. I had to look my own pain in the face and I had to admit MY doings in creating what had happened.
You can only change YOU, and no one else, so you have to look at what you have done,learn, grow from it, feel it totally, and let it go.
No one person has the truth, we all only have bits and pieces.
It is the great puzzle of life. It is an abstract concept, it is your job to mold what you desire from the chaos.

Sometimes we put too much focus on ourselves and our feelings. If you can, redirect your energy to helping someone in need. Quite frankly, you sound lonely. Go brighten someones day. Leave flowers on a door step, take a friend to a good movie.

I want to thank you all for your support. I didn't expect the care and thought that went into some of your posts. I really do appreciate it more than I can express via text. Thank you all for being so kind and responding to my post. It's already helped me get a grip and understand a little more what's happening.

@CosmicEgg - I've been pretty obsessed with the entire process lately. Not just sacred geometry. The whole expanding my consciousness, filling my life with love, and the desire to serve the greatest good of humanity. I think that the hardest part is my relationship with my ex girlfriend.. I could go on and on about how much I love her and how perfect we are, and that she just feels life is pulling her in another direction and has no control over it, and how it's been so emotional for her as well, but I've already gone too far there

@Iamschist - I've been getting a lot lately, I just always drop into this state of fear that questions their source and intent.

@Darkblade71 - I"ve done some reading about the Dark night of the soul, I just never really thought that it would happen to me. I want this so bad, yet at the same time I'm scared to death, lonely.. I know that it's ultimately benficial, but it's easy to lose sight of what's happening when you're caught up inside of it.

@Gridrebel - I'm very lonely, I've lost all of my self-value, confidence, and worth.. Unfortunately, 28/30 days of the month I feel very secluded and can't bring up the motivation for anything at all.. But the 2 days of happiness are beyond a happiness I've ever felt. Those 2 days give me hope.

reply to post by OhNoItsCritical


It is like the eye of a tornado.

This is where you grab hold of the ground and hold on and ride it out. It is not easy, but you will be much stronger from it.

It is very hard to see the forest when you are standing in the trees, I agree, which is why you need to step outside the forest, and literally into a real one. Find a nice big rock near some running water and trees and just RELAX.

Hell, you could do that right now if you can visualize it well enough, no outside needed, although, it is best to get out and breath fresh air and hear the sounds and just kind of "be" in the moment for a little while. Small steps, one thing at a time. Take a mental vacation and a literal trip to your local forest..lol It does wonders.

I'm envisioning big hard squeezy hugs to you. I wish I could do more. Do you need anything?

reply to post by OhNoItsCritical

U dont fill up with love man.
Shees, you let it in.
It all around you.

reply to post by absolutely


This is good advice, actually. I feel like I could do anything, but I'm letting fear stop me. I guess if and when the time is right I'll know exactly what I want to do and where I want to go.

Originally posted by BBalazs
reply to post by OhNoItsCritical

 

U dont fill up with love man.
Shees, you let it in.
It all around you.

Wow.. Very enlightening comment...

That really got me.

Edit: That sounded sarcastic, it's not to meant to. At all.

i look back at myself when my 1st GF & i seperated...i agonized for 6 months
i then agonized after 12 years of marriage & 2 kids...... for 18 months


i won't tell you what worked for me...
because what will work for you- to get over this hump- is unique to you


hey... i even enjoy 'doom' music now


try it

reply to post by Darkblade71



Thanks for posting about the Dark Night of the Soul, I just looked it up mainly because I have been going through the same things as the OP for the last few years.

I went through my Kundalini awakening but then have had to deal with great confusion and depression the Dark Night of the Soul pretty much sums my last few years existence up.

Just the other day the penny finally dropped and I realised Love really is the way and it seemed as if my Soul remembered what it was here for.

Big year ahead, keep the faith!

This is a very good topic to discuss. So many are going through something similar. Everything that was yesterday no longer makes us happy. Our bodies are changing before we do and we need to catch up to the progress. Addictions and all other maladies drop by the waste-side because you know you can't take them with you on this journey.

The last journey...

Thank you, OP, for bringing this up. A lot of good will come out of the darkness. I promise.

I always hate it when people say "everything happens for a reason" but for the most part, it's true. The worst thing you can do is isolate yourself. If at all possible, try and get involved in a benevolent activity. You may presently lack passion and attitude but that can change by changing your environment. Get involved in your community. Make it soemthing personal. Do you have a favorite little niece or nephew? Give mom and dad a break and take him to the zoo or something. Start LIVING!