I am dropping off the face of the earth - any advice is welcome

I am truly sorry for the situation you are in. The many people who have said that your daughters are the most important things in your life, IMHO, are correct. You may not be married to their mom, but you will ALWAYS be their dad. They will measure every man they meet by using you as their yardstick.
Having said that, if you just fall off the face of the earth, depending on your state of residency, you could be charged with abandonment of your children. That may not bode well when it comes to issues of custody and visitation. If you can afford it, see a lawyer. If not, got to legal aid. You need to have documentation showing that you are not abandoning your family, and that your wife is the one that wants this separation.
I realize that you are in great pain, but you need to see further down the road than next month or next year. Do not allow your wife to have more power than she already has. FIGHT for those little girls! You are the most important man in their lives!
Godspeed and wishing all the best for you...

e.

Originally posted by Detailed Perfection
I have a friend that just moved to Hobbs, NM for a job that pays $35/hr. They are in dire need of workers. It's a job in the oil field so it might not be what you're used to, but the work is steady and the pay is excellent. Last time I talked to him, last week, they were needing truck drivers, equipment operators, floor hands, drilling hands .. You get my point, a lot of openings and most are open with no experience.
Since you already live in New Mexico it would be worth a shot to see what happens and take a chance.
God bless you my friend.

Interesting. I don't have the best health, so jobs that require constant physical labor tend to exacerbate my condition. If there is something that is physical but also gives some desk time would work. I'm interested in knowing more. Hobbs is close enough to come home on weekends.

reply to post by AwakeinNM


Leaving your kids is just wrong. What kind of man leaves his kids?

Originally posted by AwakeinNM

Originally posted by Realm52
Are you for real?

My wife wants a divorce for much less of a reason than she should, and she just had our second daughter 10 weeks ago.

I have been going guano loco without her and my daughters

So you're gonna disappear and leave them all? anyone else thinks sounds a bit cowardly?

how many daughters do you have?

If your wife wants to leave you for a much less of a reason than she should, how hard can it be to fix the situation?

I know I am going to get flamed, and I don't expect anyone to understand my mindset, but I can not watch my daughters grow up on facebook. I can not hear about all their firsts through the grapevine. I need to be there myself. I can not process any other scenario. Since my wife is not allowing that, this is the road I must take. It is not easy. I will live with regret the rest of my life, which will probably not be that long. My daughters are young - oldest is not even 3. They will grow up likely knowing someone else as their dad - another thing I can not watch happen.

My family is the only thing that defines me. It is all I want in my life. It is all I have left. My wife is taking it from me, so I have no identity now. I have nothing to look forward to. If I had the cajones, I'd put a bullet in my head, but I don't. So this.

edit on 16-1-2012 by AwakeinNM because: (no reason given)

You will only be re-incarnated on to this planet to "try again" if you put a bullet in your head.

Meditate, learn who you are a person, Earth is a teaching experience.

Love, Peace, Harmony - The best of luck to you my friend!

reply to post by AwakeinNM


Whatever you do please don't ever consider a bullet in the head
as the only solution.Things will work out somehow.

Tell her how you feel and what you demand. You are not her dog. Your children are just as much yours as they are hers. She cannot take them from you.

It sounds like you are a very kind person; too kind for this world and she knows that. It sounds like she has been assuring her own life and she knows you aren't the person to make demands or choose over yourself however she is going too far. She's driving you to it. She is driving you to do things you thought you would never think about.

I hope you realize that she is the problem. Remove her from your life. Don't spend energy to her.

reply to post by AwakeinNM


Friend, you need to move to a different location, and change your stars. If you love your wife. let her go her own way, if she loves you, she will find a way back. Everything has a rhyme and a reason. There are actually some jobs beginning to open up, and the States are considering adding casinos. Work is hard to find these days, but some places have employment for educated people. Also, look on Craigslist, lot of jobs posted there. Just be careful with whom you deal with on there. I wish you all the luck, and hope it all works out for you.

buy a boat and start fishing

I witnessed firsthand the abandonment of a child by a parent. It was devastating. And to this day (25-years later) the pain is still palpable. I implore you to not leave your children. Please. They need you now and will only increase their need for you as they grow older. Time changes people a lot. Perhaps giving yourself some time to figure things out is what you need right now. Your kids deserve to know you, and deserve your love and vice versa.

reply to post by AwakeinNM


Advice?

Get down on your knees and repent from your sins and turn to the Lord Jesus Christ.

I lost marriage, business, everything (repo men on the doorstep? yup, that too)..... 2+ years ago. It drove me to my knees and drove me to the Lord.

Get yourself a King James Authorized 1611 bible. No other version but this one. Get it and start reading in the book of John. Read it everyday even if it is only a few minutes. Lots of times you won't understand it but over time and prayer you will. It is a spiritual book. If you don't believe it, it is closed to you. Believe every word....this is faith. Have faith in Jesus and have faith in his word.

Rom 10:13 For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.


I know most will laugh at this post (I would have through most of my life).... but deep down they are just whistling in the cemetery, hoping that the bible is false and that Jesus is false, so they can keep on sinning. But they know they are wrong.

John 14:6 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

Amen.

P.S. your story rings false to me...but if it will bring you to Lord so be it.

reply to post by AwakeinNM


First you might just be exaggerating things or things might look more grim then they actually are dude.

But in any case many have been in your situation, and eventually come trough, I would say wait around a while and don't do anything stupid, before you absolutely have no other choice. And just look for things or go to places and states were there are jobs you can do, your on the internet use it to see what comes up.

On the whole situation with your wife I would say get rid of her, she sounds like nobody you would want to spend any period of time with, much less a whole lifetime. It's time like these were you really find out what people are like and were there hearts really lie...I would not let it get to you, because contrary to what you might believe at the moment, it does not matter in the long run, and the moment will change.

But try to keep the kids, and keep in touch with the kids. And if you can try to get the kids from her using the courts, right now I know you cant do that, so it is best to bury this situation and cut your ties with her as a wife.

So just keep in touch, and eventually something will come along...Then when things move along, you will move along.... Keep on trucking dude.....In fact speaking of trucks, last I heard there always pretty much looking for cross country truckers do to the heavy hours and never being in one place for long, and since you say you wont be having a family to keep you in one place...I't could be something you can look into. And some places will even send you to one of there school's to get a CDL if you don't already have one.

And there are other jobs if not in your town then in some other town, or even other country's.

But anyways, don't lose your head and do anything to stupid....Notice i said "to" stupid...You can do stupid stuff..But not to stupid.

Originally posted by AwakeinNM

Originally posted by ValentineWiggin

I have nothing to look forward to. If I had the cajones, I'd put a bullet in my head, but I don't. So this.

They aren't old enough, they won't remember me.

BTW, did you know they are finally making Ender's Game? Ben Kingsley as Mazer Rackham, Harrison Ford is onboard as well.

Now this I did not know...Hopefully hey wont mess it up by making Enders Game it into a movie. Like all the other ones that got totally lost in the transition and turned out into really crappy movies, compared to the books that is.

Some things just don't translate well into movie form...And I just checked the Google and your right, its set for release in 2013, some time from now. Hopefully it wont completely blow, and it just might make a good movie.

We will see.

Listen,

i myself have been in the WORST situations already in my past, ranging from long-term unemployment, having no money and only debt - up to and INCLUDING separation, divorce and everything combined.

What have i learned?

Yes i DID learn something...that no matter how deep the #### is things can be totally different in the future and ANY negative (even REALLY negative situations) have actually something positive in it, although of course not realized in the moment when the negative things happen, IN PARTICULAR if someone is facing a situation which is unexpected.

Example: divorce after many years of marriage, losing a job after many years in the job etc...etc..

SOME people get destroyed by it...simply because they lost the ability to adapt and accept that life is constantly changing and DYNAMIC.

My divorce for example was an opportunity to meet a new person which fits myself much better than my ex, to get out of a 7 years marriage which IN PARTS was never satisfying..or had things missing.

Do you think the rut of a rather unhappy marriage is the BETTER alternative as opposed to starting over and then ultimately being more happy then before?

My phase of unemployment..brought with it that i found time to discover something where i did not have time to do this before since i was in a s### job from 7am to 4pm BEFORE, working for others for s### wage!

I figured out how to combine by skills and become what you would call an entrepreneur, with making websites and making money online. I do not go to work anymore, i laugh at the people who go to work working for OTHERS. I am not rich, but i can pay my bills, all with stuff i taught myself.

In the past, i found myself in situations like in a rut in country A....and TOTALLY UNEXPECTED i met someone online and 2 months later i was living 8000mls away in another country etc etc..

Life is constantly changing and it DOES give you chances all the time..do not dwell in things you think you "lose" simply just because you became too comfortable assuming ONE particular way of life.

People, eg. old people who worked very hard their whole life...they get sick at old age, unable to work. Those people cannot handle this new situation because they never even know how life can be WITHOUT the same routine they did for decades before. People become robots, unable to adapt and change and rather prefer the daily rut they used to for the sake of "comfort" and "security"..and when this is gone they are helpless because they ASSUME this is ALL what life is about....

Do you understand what i am saying?

So..don't run away and start living in the past or cry for lost things (which is understandeable, i admit)...but do not forget to see the NEW things and opportunities. Life is NOT static and it can always change in way you do not expect!

Originally posted by AwakeinNM
reply to post by quedup

 

I'll give you a little bit more insight.

I have been there for her for 9 years. I do not go out with guy friends. I really don't have any guy friends to do things with anyway. I am home every night. I do not get drunk. I do not hit my wife and kids. I have done everything I can to hold down a good job and build a retail business at the same time. I was making almost $60k (20k less than I was making back east) at a place I really liked, but because I had a hard time getting there at exactly 9am consistently, they fired me. They did not care what kind of work I did for them of the vision I had for their company, or that I worked through my lunch hour almost every day to make up for being late. I wanted to have something to rely on for income, a business that we could be proud of. I was trying to please everyone and in the end, nobody cared. Nobody. Except the IRS.. They are up my ass all the time for their goddamn money.

I have never gotten as much as a 'thank you' for my efforts from anyone, even my wife. All I've heard for the past two years is what I should be doing because everything I have been doing to get a job is not good enough. Not good enough. Never good enough. I've held up my end of the "for better or worse" deal better than any swingin dick I know.

I've begged her to go to counseling with me for the past year and a half. No deal. She has shut me out emotionally and physically for the past year and a half. I have been trying to keep positive for my kids and remain hopeful that something good will happen or she'll have some epiphany, but it never does.

So here I am. I have tried for a long time. I am broken. I do not care anymore and I do not want to be a part of this. She has sown this and so shall she reap it. Unfortunately the kids will reap it as well. Staying will be worse. I have to leave.

This is very similar to the situation i was in with my first wife. Admittedly, i had a ***y job, but i HAD a job..so had she. We had a car, we had to eat, we were able to pay our bills.

While i did this ####y job for years, i was also looking for a better job as software developer, something which pays better. But the market (even back then) was already grim.

The problem was that my wife CONSTANTLY made all our future plans and her and our happiness dependent on that hope/desire i would get a better job. HECK we didn't even have our own apartment although we had BOTH JOBS for several years!

She said..she cannot move into an apartment because she is expecting security for the future and blah and blah...putting me in a bizarre situation to feel BAD despite the fact that i was working a really hard, physical job.

But obvious, not good enough for her...not good enough for two people to rent a small apartment? Give me a break.

Anyway, after we divorced, my new wife is totally different (lol)....the Ex a total control freak obsessed with her imaginary security and obsessed with some "dreams" which needed to come true for HER to even start living - ironically once i moved to my new GF (now wife)..she had ZERO money and ZERO of that "responsibility obsession" like my Ex had..but you know what?

We IMMEDIATELY moved in a very nice apartment - something we did not have in 7 years of marriage with my weird Ex because WE LIVED IN HER UNCLE'S HOUSE due to her inability to take a risk even something simple as getting an apartment.

What i am saying: Do not let your Wife let you put down and let her put you on a guilt trip - because this is what my Ex did for more or less the reason that i couldn't find a "better" job?!

Your wife will LIKELY keep telling you "what you should be doing" and criticize you regardless, as did my Ex..and this is basically the reason we then separated/divorced..and i can say we are BOTH way, way happier than before.

Your wife might probably see you as the reason for all kinds of problems...and rest assured she might find points to criticize even in the future if you have a job..she might never be happy..and instead of TRULY supporting you she is just looking for and picking out the faults...if you get a job and you get fired it's YOUR fault...if you get s###y pay it's YOUR fault...if you cannot find a job its YOUR fault...she might not admit this and probably not be even aware of this but this is how it sounds.

In short words:

A "bad" wife will LEAVE you if bad things happen in life - a GOOD wife will stay with you even in a theorethical really bad situation, say if you both would become homeless. The BAD wife would then run and call you a loser, the good one would stay, even in the worst situation...and you would both try to figure a way out of the bad situation, together!

I understand what you're going through as I've went through the same thing this past year... My sympathy goes out to you friend. If I'm not mistaken you live in New Mexico? I live in NM as well... and I did the homeless scene for a couple of weeks before my friends tracked me down and forced me to take a shower and reside with someone until I got my $hit together... Try not to end up at Joy Junction they have bed bugs and lice on their cots, but it seems you have some resources to live off of for a short while... I suggest going to Alaska, seems like a great place for new beginnings... That's where I'm headed once I have a wad of cash to blow to get out of this stinkin' town.

Ok, first of all Calm Down and Take some deep breaths. I know how you feel in the sense that Life sure can throw a bag of S^#* at you more ways than one, and it seems like sometimes it will never stop. Just a suggestion, but seeing as how your wife just had a baby, she maybe experiencing some of that post depression (not sure what they call it) after child birth. They say that the man can experience it too.

As for the money and job situation, Hell most of us are in that situation right along owth ya, and yep we're all getting screwed. There are jobs out there, maybe go to your local unemployment office which can provide some assistance to help while they also help you search for jobs. Speaking from experience I know places are always needing servers, or kitchen help, and believe it or not, serving paid my way through college.

Finally, if you gotta flee the situation, go but do come back, for your daughter's. They need a father. Sometimes stepping out and getting a bit of fresh air helps clear the mind and gives you the strength to go back and resolve things. Good Luck and Keep your head up. I would say things can't get much worse, ha ha but I know for a fact that saying blows and yes it can, SO BE READY AND DON"T GIVE UP!!

It's been a week since you first posted. Can you give us any updates? Did you see the counselor at the church? Still thinking about you and hoping (and praying) for the best. Stay strong.

Hey Buddy, What going on? Lets us all know what's happening........at least?

reply to post by AwakeinNM


Disclaimer: this post is a work of fiction and for entertainment purposes only.

If I was in your shoes my first step is finding stable shelter; here are the main options (assuming no friends/family can help):

1.) live in my truck: A good night's sleep somewhere safe is extremely important so I would tend to rule out my truck unless there is a safe spot to park and enough comfort. A safe spot can be difficult to find and sleeping in a vehicle is illegal in some states. Avoid this stress if possible.

2.) Adverse possession of a house: Find an abandoned/foreclosed house that has been unmaintained/forgotten for years and get a friend to "lease" it to me (they don't have to own it). Afterwards, turn on the utilities with the lease papers and maintain the place. Mow the lawn, do some cleaning, say hi to neighbors. To keep the power bill at a minimum the main switch is shut off while I am not on-site. This also ensures the water heater will not waste electrical power.

Each state has their own adverse possession laws which establish an amount of time a resident can claim the title. This can range from 5 years or more. If the real owner ever showed up before the title can be claimed just plead ignorance, act disappointed as a scam victim, and pack up. Wash, rinse, repeat. It shouldn't be hard to find another location. There are many empty houses and it is a matter of survival after all.

Camping out and homeless shelters can unnecessarily subject oneself to the hazards of the environment. Whether it is mentally unstable homeless or animals, avoid it at all costs. Having transportation is a good advantage especially when facing homelessness. Maintain the truck and it will take care of you.

reply to post by AwakeinNM
"In good times and bad...To love honor and cherish till death do you part...i do"...and now she wants to make it harder for you?...typical modern woman...Why anyone gets married these days is literally beyond my comprehension...true love is going extinct and being replaced by an i,me,mine greed driven society thats self-destructing...