I am dropping off the face of the earth - any advice is welcome

Interesting Development

So as I am doing laundry today in preparation for my trip, my phone rings. It's a guy from my church following up on a months-old inquiry I made about getting involved in the music ministry there. I have also applied to that church for several jobs that I was qualified for (big church). I had never received so much as an acknowledgment much less an interview. I had also reached out to them with respect to counseling - to no response. Nice church, eh?

So I called him back and gave him a piece of my mind about how they do things there and that his call was coming a bit too late. We ended up talking for an hour and a half and it seems they have a couple members who are licensed counselors who occasionally donate their services to members in need. He offered to have someone call me and I told him that if someone wants to get involved and help, then they had better do it fast. Incidentally, in my conversations with my wife today (through texting) she agreed to go to counseling. Because I told her I was leaving, I feel like she is being manipulative by saying that, and I don't feel any sincerity coming from her. I'm not sure if I believe that she wants to save this marriage. I still feel like I should leave, but I also view this call and conversation as a bit of intervention from the invisible hand, as it were. This has happened to me a few times in my life, although I haven't realized it until after the fact.

What to do now... give this church guy a chance to help? See if someone actually calls? Maybe I'll give it a day. Interesting to note that because the banks were closed today, I could not get that foldin money for my endeavor. It makes the timing of the call very interesting.

Got a job tip, its how I found my last 2 jobs, which I still have both. The restaurant food industry, I am not talking micky d's, real diners, grills, fine dining. They inevitably always need a dish washer, and pays decent too. Skilled in the kitchen at home being a homebody right? Can you use a knife, safely? Take your best home knives, wrap in a towel and bungie cord it, black pants, crisp white shirt or white t shirt (no stains!). Look the part! Like previous post said, wear a tool belt, even if its not fully packed. Volunteer for a night to wash dishes, get a feel for how a real kitchen works. Ask to wash dishes for a meal, then do an outstanding and over the top job for that meal, really meedle your way into a job. Change your view of what you can and will and wont do to work again. Ask to be kitchen clean up guy, to put away food stock, go get food stocks, take dirtys away, get bowls and utensil for chef and their assistants. Be the gopher, go for this go for that. Help the ladies lift the 50 lbs of butter that needs to be cut down to soften. Another poster said work your labor like your are working for God, not the boss. Makes a big difference in how others see your work. My fun-est job is in a bakery, early hours, but off in the afternoons, will make good time to see your girls.
I sincerely hope your wife sees your efforts, and if nothing else please stay for the girls. I was raised without a father. That void is still 40 some years later still as empty as the day is long. I never got to meet him, and not until I was in my twenties, and learned he had passed and met him graveside, don't let that happen! Hope things get better soon.

reply to post by AwakeinNM


Id take the free counseling. But you dont need a professional to talk to, its called being a human being, having a degree doesnt mean anything. Forcing your wife to go to counseling is not good either. If she doesnt want to, she wont try to change.
Neither of you need to change, you are unique, and the more you change yourself into what the other wants the more unhappy its going to make you. You are both beautiful. How can you ask someone to change to meet your requirements? If she does not want you for being yourself then you should move on, because there is someone waiting for someone like you.
But your daughters are yours and they need a strong father figure to set an example for them. Same with your wife, she needs to be strong for them to show them people are not defined by their partner. This cannot take place if there isnt harmony in the home.

reply to post by AwakeinNM


That is wonderful! Hey, if she has offered up a bit of counseling, thats the segeway you were hoping for!!!! Church based, sounds like you did have divine intervention, grab that and hold on to it. Like you said, you see things in hindsight that presented like this before, step on this! This is the break you have been praying for. Good luck darlin.

reply to post by LadySkadi


I have discussed this issue with many family and friends, cause I'm there for you friend and am doing mY best to give you honest advice and answers. Life is not fair and is the love she had for you is gone, it's gone and all and everything you do does not affect her answer, she wants something in what you cannot provide and she does not love you. Leave her to her own demise.

Unfortunately it is possible that if you pursue your wife and daughters there is a chance she will up the anti by saying you beat her or something to that effect and no matter if it is true or not, YOU ARE GOING TO JAIL,, let me repaat that, YOU WILL GO TO JAIL...

For you that call BS, I want you to know that I have personally been there for my best friend who went through this, and the arresting cop was a close friend through high school, and he told me that because she is a women she has more of a right because she is more vulnerable than a man....... I speak the truth in this matter

Dude, we as men need to hold strong in are beliefs before we are put in are place and have no rights. I have seen men hold down a full time job and lose their children because there not passing UA's, drug using, no jobs, no place to stay some how have more rights than the men for the kids because their a $$$$&&&&&&& woman,

AND women, what's your take on this issue, this does happen more than you know in the USA. And to say otherwise would be displaying ignorance..

Let the flames begin.

Originally posted by CharonIncarnate
reply to post by AwakeinNM

 

Id take the free counseling. But you dont need a professional to talk to, its called being a human being, having a degree doesnt mean anything. Forcing your wife to go to counseling is not good either. If she doesnt want to, she wont try to change.
Neither of you need to change, you are unique, and the more you change yourself into what the other wants the more unhappy its going to make you. You are both beautiful. How can you ask someone to change to meet your requirements? If she does not want you for being yourself then you should move on, because there is someone waiting for someone like you.
But your daughters are yours and they need a strong father figure to set an example for them. Same with your wife, she needs to be strong for them to show them people are not defined by their partner. This cannot take place if there isnt harmony in the home.

Agreed. I am not forcing her, either. I have been asking her because I already have a good idea what our problem is. We have a communication problem regarding a certain aspect of our marriage. When things are good, we are happy. I am not trying to change her at all. I just want her to go to a neutral party and have them tell her what I've been trying to tell her, because I don't know what I am talking about.

reply to post by AK907ICECOLD


I agree with the first half of your message. He def needs to move on. But do not hold resentment for her. I give her kudos for being strong enough to state she is unhappy. My dad and stepmom hate eachother, they stay married because they want to save face and work on a dead marriage. For 20 years now. Neither is happy. They are miserable people to be around on an average day. Everyone knows they need to split up, but neither is strong enough to make the first step. So your wife deserves kudos, and so do you when you accept her decision and continue to support your children.

reply to post by AwakeinNM


I might have worded it wrong. I know your not asking her to change. But she is of you. You stated in the OP that you fixed your shortcomings. Shes asking you to do it, you do it, and shes still not happy. Its just not meant to be. But if you wish to seek couseling then do so. Just be honest with yourself when your there. I hope both of you will be happy.

p.s., I gave you some advice earlier in the thread, and I wanted to add something.

No matter what happens, I wouldn't take all of that money out via credit that you mentioned.

Credit is only going to hurt you, unless you truly reboot your identity it will stick to you and haunt you later (with interest).

Make do with next to nothing for awhile. Then build up.

Sounds like you might be having a better day today, which is good.

Good luck.

reply to post by AwakeinNM


Friend, I am deeply sorry for your recent misfortunes. Suffering is simply a natural part of life. I believe that these recent events will help shape you into a stronger person. Don't spend to much time asking why things went wrong, simply ask whats next and move forward. Seemingly, as you have asked -- there are two real things to consider.

1. With some money:

Buy a sailboat. Trust me. Don't go overboard (no pun intended), simply look for something cheap that will house you. Learn to sail and the world will be at your fingertips. It takes four weeks to sail from the US to Europe; beyond that -- who knows. Life is ahead of you! Claim it!

2. With no money: Look up intentional communities which may help house you with an exchange of simple labor. One such example is the Worldwide Opportunities on Organic Farms organization www.wwoof.org... I've had friends that started woofing and haven't stopped; meanwhile, they are traveling the world on a dime.

In the meantime... Read a book.

Originally posted by AwakeinNM
Interesting Development

I had never received so much as an acknowledgment much less an interview. I had also reached out to them with respect to counseling - to no response. Nice church, eh?

So I called him back and gave him a piece of my mind about how they do things there and that his call was coming a bit too late.

First are you a MEMBER of this church?? Usually you need to be first for consideration.
When putting in applications for work do you really expect to be acknowledged for putting in that application??? It doesn't work that way.

Also, you gave him a piece of your mind?? Wow, maybe that is why you haven't gotten another job? You may come across as thinking you are better than everyone else.

Honestly, I think you are threatening to leave to manipulate your wife to make her feel guilty for leaving you. She is probably scared that you are going to kill yourself and that is why she has agreed to go to counseling. You already implied it here in this thread...

You say you don't have friends, you don't go out, you stay home all the time??....Maybe you are just boring? Maybe she wants you to have a life instead of moping around feeling victimized all the time. How depressing is that....Especially during the entire pregnancy of hers? How stressful is that? Does she work? If so she probably has felt an excess of the burden that she couldn't handle with all those hormones..and if she also stayed home that made it worse I am sure, both of you in each others space all the time.....ARGHHHHH!!!!

Originally posted by Starwise

Originally posted by AwakeinNM
Interesting Development

I had never received so much as an acknowledgment much less an interview. I had also reached out to them with respect to counseling - to no response. Nice church, eh?

So I called him back and gave him a piece of my mind about how they do things there and that his call was coming a bit too late.

First are you a MEMBER of this church?? Usually you need to be first for consideration.

Yes.

When putting in applications for work do you really expect to be acknowledged for putting in that application??? It doesn't work that way.

I come from the east coast where people extend each other certain courtesies as a rule so maybe my expectations are too high. Also, I am qualified up the wazoo for those jobs. I did expect that I would at least be under consideration.

Also, you gave him a piece of your mind?? Wow, maybe that is why you haven't gotten another job? You may come across as thinking you are better than everyone else.

I wasn't a dick about giving him a piece of my mind. I do know something about diplomacy.

Wow, your new development sent shivers up my spine. I think you're in for a new adventure. This reminds me of another "anchor": Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord....to give you a future and a hope."
By the way, it's okay to give the church a piece of your mind. We all need someone to light a fire under us now and then.

Alright buddy this thread was obviously a cry for help so do yourself a favor and once again read all the replies we've posted and the time we have spent on you and know total strangers care about you and your family. Take or at least consider some of the advice we offer. Get some guy friends to run your ideas by before you act on a bad one....please

Originally posted by type0civ
Alright buddy this thread was obviously a cry for help so do yourself a favor and once again read all the replies we've posted and the time we have spent on you and know total strangers care about you and your family. Take or at least consider some of the advice we offer. Get some guy friends to run your ideas by before you act on a bad one....please

Actually I was asking for advice on living the lifestyle I described. Whatever happens is my decision precipitated by my wife's actions toward me. If you've read all my posts, you'll know that there might have been some intervention earlier today, and the timing can't be dismissed as coincidence, in my opinion. I am compelled to give this development a little time to manifest and find out where it leads me. No one can accuse me of being a bad listener.

I am not super religious like some of you, but I happen to have been shown things in my life that have convinced me of the existence of a higher power and of an afterlife. These forces have influenced my path through life on more than one occasion. I think they may be nudging the rudder a little today.

The island of Utila in the Caribbean uses the US dollar, and housing there is cheap. Great diving too. All the best sir.

It's great to see everyone reaching out in this thread, and I will have to read more of it to find out were you live to help with the job search, etc...

BUT...

This whole economic situation makes me extremely pissed off. It's people like Mitt Romney who are responsible for the job loss, and it's these individuals who should be held accountable....

Hi Friend,
It sounds like you have reached a point of real desperation.
The fact that your family means so much to you and you are considering this drastic action tells me that you are probably not thinking as clearly as you ordinarily do. Very understandable given the tremendous pressure you are under right now. It also sounds as though you need a break and a little good luck, too!
Men measure how they are doing in the world by some very tough standards and I wonder if you are feeling bad about yourself, when what is happening may not be about YOUR failure...but the failure of your government?
We have a contract with our government that calls for us to do our best and for them not to screw us in administering the public good. They have failed you...and all of us.
That doesn't mean you have failed, though it may feel, for all the world, that you have.
You have had lot's of good suggestions but probably none looks as good to you as starting over by walking away.
I can completely understand that and have felt that way myself.
Friend, can you give yourself just a little time off here?
When we are young, big changes look like the answer. In reality, though, time changes things, often a little at a time.
Your wife may be an awful person...but she may be as depressed as you are ...and please know that POST PARTUM depression can completely change a woman for months at a time! She may well regret this before long.
Over the years, I have learned that putting one foot in front of the other lacks the satisfying drama of the slammed door...but usually ends up being the true solution.
Can I offer some words from experience here?
Give yourself a break here.
Go wild for a few days. Go camping like you were going to stay off the grid. Yell at a mountain. Throw dozens of eggs against a tree, Write copious letters to your wife, to God, to your family and everyone who has let you down.
DOn't mail them yet but keep them...until every hurt that is on the inside gets put on the outside. Talking is the best way to do that. In a letter or to a counselor or to a friend who will not judge you or to your steering wheel. Just get it on the outside in stead of keeping it inside.
It seems as though you have done your best to be responsible.
Take a short break...let yourself off the hook for a while.
After a bit, you will regain the energy to try a new thing. It may be small at first...that's OK.
This is a time of starting over for almost all of us.
Ask for help by asking someone just to listen to you rant for 20 minutes without giving any advice. Can you start there?
Ask for a break from some of your duties...take bankruptcy, if you need to!
Just try to be a little easy on yourself and on others who will need you later.
I have a feeling you are someone who is worth the risk.

I know from reading your post that you are smart and have a strong mind.
Flip the script on your situation.
I think it would be right to move close to your family and make a stand.
Pride will not serve you well through this.
Avoid saving face when in confrontation with others and forget about personal comfort for a while.
Find the salvation of jesus.

I have a friend that just moved to Hobbs, NM for a job that pays $35/hr. They are in dire need of workers. It's a job in the oil field so it might not be what you're used to, but the work is steady and the pay is excellent. Last time I talked to him, last week, they were needing truck drivers, equipment operators, floor hands, drilling hands .. You get my point, a lot of openings and most are open with no experience.
Since you already live in New Mexico it would be worth a shot to see what happens and take a chance.
God bless you my friend.