I am dropping off the face of the earth - any advice is welcome

reply to post by AwakeinNM


Go into debt even more...get a divorce lawyer and get nasty...Otherwise your wife will take you to the cleaners. It could be worse. You could have unhealthy children, serious medical issues, the skye is the limit.

Relax...but don't wait to get your kids custody rights...Fight for it. Prove that she is mentally unstable. Give it to her good...

If I was in your shoes I'd probably plant drugs in her purse and scream child abuse heheh...I'm bad.

I haven't read all 6 pages of replies, but I see a lot of people trying to get into your head and tell you how to think. Not what you asked for.

I will only say this as far as being in your head: Things can change over the years. Who knows how it will be different in as little as 2 years. Suicide is like burning down the house because you wanted a slice of toast.

1. Make a complete break. From everything (for now). Family, friends, vacations spots, home towns, etc. Don't go where her lawyers may come looking, which will be old friends, where you lived in college, where you enjoyed a vacation, etc.

2. Get ready to bust loose from your old self and build a new self. Change the name you use, get ready to ditch your old ID and get ID in a new name. And for God's sake don't connect again with your old life for at least 24 months. Dont call old girlfriends, your mom, anyone.

3. Pick a part of the country where no one knows you, and to which you have no connection----somewhere you've never been. Pick a smaller area with a regional city that is the hub. Pick someplace where the economy is based on extracting / exploiting natural resources: Farming, Lumber, Fishing, Oil.

4. Remember that

4a. you have a personal survival situation which is almost never discussed on websites: civilization is intact---it's simply your old life that has collapsed.

4b. Until you break the law, or your wife runs out of money, or you default on loans, no one will be looking for you very hard. If you flat out dissappear, she may not even officially divorce you until she needs to file for bankruptcy, etc. She WILL come looking for you so she can get child support, etc.

5. Get all the camping gear and fishing equipment you can. You're about to go on a very extended fishing trip. You will be living in a state park in another part of the country, moving only when you have to, in order to get a campsite. You'll be buying groceries locally with cash. Just disappear for a month or more, eating fish plus groceries. When you've had enough, sell your car to a chop shop and pocket the money to live on a little while longer.

6. Get work as a day laborer. Cleaning construction sites, cleaning up after an oil rig is taken down to move, processing lumber, etc. The pay absolutely sucks but you don't really have any expenses or debt.

7. Start building a new alternate identity. It cannot be discussed on ATS, but you can find out how at a large library.

8. You can reappear in your daughters life when you are a bit older. They will forgive you.


Long story short, you can live "off the books" with a mix of camping, fishing, and day labor. you can do it for the rest of your life if you don't mind hard work. You also get to live and work outdoors, and are a lot freer than you'd think. that's the way about 10 million americans live right now.

I have worked with someone who did it. He wasn't in trouble, he just loved to fish and got sick of his office job and nagging wife and wasted life. So he left. When I knew him he spent most of the year fishing in the rockies. He did handyman repairs on the summer cottages and ski cabins in resorts when he needed gas money, etc. Since he was paid in cash, he was far cheaper than a legal laborer. He loved his new life, and just never went home while I knew him.

reply to post by quedup


I'll give you a little bit more insight.

I have been there for her for 9 years. I do not go out with guy friends. I really don't have any guy friends to do things with anyway. I am home every night. I do not get drunk. I do not hit my wife and kids. I have done everything I can to hold down a good job and build a retail business at the same time. I was making almost $60k (20k less than I was making back east) at a place I really liked, but because I had a hard time getting there at exactly 9am consistently, they fired me. They did not care what kind of work I did for them of the vision I had for their company, or that I worked through my lunch hour almost every day to make up for being late. I wanted to have something to rely on for income, a business that we could be proud of. I was trying to please everyone and in the end, nobody cared. Nobody. Except the IRS.. They are up my ass all the time for their goddamn money.

I have never gotten as much as a 'thank you' for my efforts from anyone, even my wife. All I've heard for the past two years is what I should be doing because everything I have been doing to get a job is not good enough. Not good enough. Never good enough. I've held up my end of the "for better or worse" deal better than any swingin dick I know.

I've begged her to go to counseling with me for the past year and a half. No deal. She has shut me out emotionally and physically for the past year and a half. I have been trying to keep positive for my kids and remain hopeful that something good will happen or she'll have some epiphany, but it never does.

So here I am. I have tried for a long time. I am broken. I do not care anymore and I do not want to be a part of this. She has sown this and so shall she reap it. Unfortunately the kids will reap it as well. Staying will be worse. I have to leave.

reply to post by AwakeinNM


Go to mexico, live on the beach in a tent, live as cheap as possible, work there, write a letter to your daughters immediately with all the reasons why you are doing this and everything that has happened leading up to it, don't sent it to them as their mother will destroy it, give it to them when they are older. I don't agree with you doing this but, if you must than at least make sure your daughters are taken care of.

Originally posted by quedup
reply to post by AwakeinNM

 

So you think giving you two kids is the easy life? DON'T YOU WANT TO GIVE HER THE EASY LIFE?

When you get married - your supposed to be saying - I will protect you until we die!

She went off to Arizona because she got that protection there.

What gets me about all this (and I don't put all men in the same boat) Is that when the chips are down so many men are like kids - they get scared and they run! Or sit around in a state of depression because it's not going the way they hoped. Mate - that's life - it never goes the way you hope - it's a bloody tough world we live in.

But once a woman has kids - she's immediately thrown into the 'Tiger and Cub' world and knows she's in a jungle where she needs a mate who will protect her. A real Mother (because they're not all real natural Mothers) will go to any extreme to protect her kids - if it comes to it, she'll steal, beg and borrow and even sell her body to put food into their mouths and a roof over their heads. And THAT is what she needs from a MAN! She doesn't need another kid to look after and worry about. Her life of ME ME ME ended the day she gave birth.

When does a man reach this point - when does he stop say ME ME ME?

I know it sounds harsh and I don't know you from Adam but I'm sorry it is a harsh world and you either step up to the mark - which is the day you get married and agree to take on the responsibility - or you stay single.

Perhaps you should never have been married - perhaps you were looking for another Mother not a Wife. Perhaps I've got you all wrong - Perhaps she never respected you because you didn't earn it - unfortunately, it doesn't come free - it's something you really work at - you earn respect - you clearly didn't do that or she would be by your side through thick and thin.

It may be that she didn't think it all through either before marrying you - I don't know the answer to that and if this marriage really cannot be brought back on track then you still have to Man Up and take responsibility for the two children you brought into the world. They didn't ask to be born.

Perhaps your wife has found some one else - either way you're a Father and if you failed to protect your wife and provide for her then you at least have to protect your kids - it is called Duty!

Geez... Women can be pretty damn selfish too. Some are also always right, never sorry, play the victim, nag constantly, treat you like they own you, are hypocritical, disrespectful, etc etc etc. Give the guy a break. He obviously loves his kids and is in alot of pain right now. Quit acting like a typical man hating woman that we all want to run from.

reply to post by AwakeinNM


The best advice someone ever gave me.......... Let the Universe take its course. Stop worrying and just accept your situation. I know it wont make things better straight away, but if you believe you are in a situation as part of a higher learning process or a spiritual test, then it makes it easier to accept and you will find yourself more determined to overcome your problem. Lets face it, its these challenges in life that truly define who we are.

When i go to heaven and look back at my life i would rather see myself overcoming life's many trials and tribulations as opposed to looking back and seeing what an easy life i lived.

Originally posted by AwakeinNM
reply to post by quedup

 

I'll give you a little bit more insight.

I have been there for her for 9 years. I do not go out with guy friends. I really don't have any guy friends to do things with anyway. I am home every night. I do not get drunk. I do not hit my wife and kids. I have done everything I can to hold down a good job and build a retail business at the same time. I was making almost $60k (20k less than I was making back east) at a place I really liked, but because I had a hard time getting there at exactly 9am consistently, they fired me. They did not care what kind of work I did for them of the vision I had for their company, or that I worked through my lunch hour almost every day to make up for being late. I wanted to have something to rely on for income, a business that we could be proud of. I was trying to please everyone and in the end, nobody cared. Nobody. Except the IRS.. They are up my ass all the time for their goddamn money.

I have never gotten as much as a 'thank you' for my efforts from anyone, even my wife. All I've heard for the past two years is what I should be doing because everything I have been doing to get a job is not good enough. Not good enough. Never good enough. I've held up my end of the "for better or worse" deal better than any swingin dick I know.

I've begged her to go to counseling with me for the past year and a half. No deal. She has shut me out emotionally and physically for the past year and a half. I have been trying to keep positive for my kids and remain hopeful that something good will happen or she'll have some epiphany, but it never does.

So here I am. I have tried for a long time. I am broken. I do not care anymore and I do not want to be a part of this. She has sown this and so shall she reap it. Unfortunately the kids will reap it as well. Staying will be worse. I have to leave.

It sounds like you've answered your own questions and that's how it should be and usually is. You have to live with you. Develope a relationship with your kids no matter what though - your relationship with your wife may have failed don't make it a double failure - look to the future but make sure your kids are a part of that future and Good Luck.

reply to post by colbyforce


You are so very right - it works both ways. I am not a Man Hater at all - I love Men - they're great and I much prefer their company to that of women - but I'm talking about MEN not Boys.

The type who do want to run away -the type who don't like to be shown their failings by a women - the type who are so full of their own Ego it's always someone else's fault - the type who dis their wives and then run and call them Man Haters - NO THANKS!

The Op is in pain for sure - it's a very painful process but he wanted a sounding board and succeeded.

reply to post by AwakeinNM


Don't go that route yet. Its a mans number one priority to take care of his family, God will not like you bailing on your kids. Fight for them. I know you wife is not letting you but she is already guilty in the courts eyes as she cant just uproot the kids and bolt like that. Find an attorney and I bet they will make her come back in a hurry.

Do this and it wont be you who has to explain yourself at the pearly gates or in court if you get my drift. Be strong!!

Originally posted by AwakeinNM
reply to post by quedup

 

So here I am. I have tried for a long time. I am broken. I do not care anymore and I do not want to be a part of this. She has sown this and so shall she reap it. Unfortunately the kids will reap it as well. Staying will be worse. I have to leave.

Why do exactly what she wants?? Your kids might hate you for leaving them. You have rights and she is a @@@@@ for doing this. You owe it to your kids to fight for them and be a man. She may have broke you but time heals all wounds. Now stand up for yourself and take it to her. You have done everything right in the courts eyes so she don't stand a chance.

My Dad did the same to me when I was a kid. Just vanished. Left me with a lot of issues growing up in regards to trust and it broke my heart when people spoke of their dads at school. I kept wondering 'why?'. Now I am nearly 30yrs old and have managed to rebuild some sort of relationship with him after he rematerialised one day. Yet every time I say goodbye to him that fear kicks in again, it hurts so bad.
I know times are so very tough but please, for your girls, don't leave them. This is the moment in your life that you have to stand up and be the strongest you can because you're not doing it for yourself, you have to be strong for your children.
Just reading your OP and knowing how those kids will feel breaks my heart. It should break yours too and make you see that running away is selfish.

reply to post by AwakeinNM


Oh how best to advise you ?

Yep, not fairing too good so far !

I understand how you can see no light at the end of the tunnel, and how you have made your mind up that this is the only course of action you can take.

But wait a minute ! There is always a choice, I understand that you cannot bare the thought of not living with your kids, your wife has decided you are no longer viable as a couple, but that doesn't mean you have to go extreme, you can if you want to, but just so long as this is truely what you want, and not a knee jerk reaction to your current predicament.

It's like a death of someone close, it hurts like hell, you can't see a future, without it being wildly different from your current position, but perhaps your still a little raw, and maybe given time you will come to accept that seeing your kids even if it is through facebook, although not ideal, will eventually be of some consolation.

I don't condone the actions of your wife, who should be supporting you throughout these difficult times, but given she has three small charges the youngest being less than three months old, you can see where she may be feeling a little stretched, especially with everything else on top, and just like you she is hurting too, hell maybe there could be an element of post natal depression, so she too feels as though in order to improve her sense of self, and wellbeing that she in turn needs to take such radical steps.

Bottom line, two very frightfilled, pain ridden souls, neither able to bridge the communication gap, and yeah maybe it is all too late, but there are kids involved who never asked for any of this, and I'm not laying blame at anyone's door here, life is tough, real tough these days, and unfortunately its always the kids who end up suffering.

I understand for you, that you don't want this situation, and that you feel the only way forward is to "go off grid," but before you do, my advise is to please make sure it is truely what you want, because the decisions you make now, will have repercussions for the future.

Good luck with your future, whatever it may hold.

[color=dodgerblue]I read all of OP's posts in the thread and have not seen a mention of exactly why she left.

I am curious.

Originally posted by daryllyn
[color=dodgerblue]I read all of OP's posts in the thread and have not seen a mention of exactly why she left.

I am curious.

From my interpretation she considers him to be a "LOSER" cause he's unemployed etc. And if he follows his current plan of action he will lose big time - especially if he maxes out his line of credit and has no ability to repay. He complains that his wife shut him out emotionally and physically YET he plans to do the same thing to his own kids. He has not once shown consideration for their perspective.

AwakeinNM: Your honesty is a step in the right direction. Sharing our burdens with others helps us realize that we all have problems and we all have faults.
One of the unfortunate lies we tell ourselves is: "Because I've failed, then it follows that I must be a Failure".
Right now, you are also telling yourself another lie: I've worked hard at my job and I've worked hard at my marriage, therefore, everything in my life SHOULD be Paradise.
And lie #3 : I did my best and it didn't work out the way it was supposed to, therefore it must be someone else's fault (bad economy, employer, wife).
From what I'm reading into your story, it's just your WORLDVIEW that has been broken. That is not a bad thing.
It's a wake-up call.
My wake-up call came when I was on the verge of losing my job for being chronically late and having a yelling match with my boss. I went home and opened my bible and read (and memorized) Colossians 3:23: "Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as though for the Lord rather than for men." I went to work the next day and every day afterwards with that attitude, and a year later the same boss I had the yelling match with approached me at work to tell me I had been voted "Employee of the Year" by the management staff. That radically changed my worldview and my life.
That scripture became my anchor. Since then, I've added many other scripture/anchors to my life. As I see the results of each one of those anchors, my understanding and my worldview have expanded tremendously. I no longer look at life through the myopic glasses of my own warped ideas.
My advice to you is to open your bible and find the anchor that will open your eyes so you can see your situation realistically. Do it in spite of your anger.
And keep us informed brother. We'll be praying for you.

reply to post by AwakeinNM


My advice is simple, do not let another person define you. You are independent and strong. Your not some weakling. If she wants out let it be. You dont want a marriage that is forced. Thats not love. You will find another person you can share your life with, until then you need to be there for your daughters. They need a loving dad. I couldnt bare the thought of another person raising my kids. You made them. Be there for them. You kids will always be yours, treat them right. You are stronger than you think, you dont need people to counsel you. You may feel like you want to give them some of he burden. But you are strong and you know what is right. Listen to your little voice. Your kids need you, let your wife go. Nothing you can do will bring her back against her will, thats not healthy. I hope you hear this brother. I would not lie to you.

reply to post by MyXlog


The reason she left is moot. She chose her path, its up to him to help himself. He can do it. Anyone can. Dont let other people have power over you.

reply to post by simplybill


My worldview is not flawed. I am not a materialist. I live in a small house and drive a used car. I do not want for material things. I do not have a lot. My newest shoes are two years old, in fact. All I ask for is someone to give me a chance to earn a living any way I can, and I haven't been given that chance.

I feel like a failure because I HAVE made an effort and stood up, etc., and nothing good came of it.

Interesting development - see my next post on this thread.

Originally posted by superman2012
reply to post by AwakeinNM

 

Go to mexico, live on the beach in a tent, live as cheap as possible, ......

Very poor advice, for US citizens of European descent. It is almost impossible in Mexico for a US citizen to ever become a citizen, or to even own properly legally. You are forced to own everything through a lawyer, who can rip you off with impunity. Additionally, the Mexican authorities assume you are on the lam, and can predict that the US consul will not come to your aid in any case.

Very poor advice indeed.

Dont leave your girls man what are you thinking. If you abandon them she will eventually gain sole custody and you will have lost them forever. Think about what might happen to them, for instance the next man their mother gets with could molest them, could be a drunk or a dopehead. She herself could fall on hard times and the girls get taken away by the state. Anything could happen, I've seen it all before. Dont leave them like that, man up theres a job out there somewhere, assuming you live in a right to work state it makes it a lot easier. Any farming goin on around there? Farmers will almost always work a good man if only for a day or two. Go to every construction site you can find, lay a sob story on em, tell em you will tote lumber or clean up, haul sheet rock or whatever. Find a convenience store where tradesmen stop in the morning to get a drink or a biscuit and somebody is gonna need some help especially if somebody lays out when their really needed there you are standing there ready to go. Take your lunch with ya and a tool belt, hammer tape measure etc. look like your ready to go to work eventually somebody will take you and give you a try. Now man up and quit belly aching go find a job and start over one day and one penny at a time. If you leave them two little girls it will haunt you forever.