posted on Jan, 14 2012 @ 11:18 PM
MY THANKS TO ALL OF YOU
As we progress through to the end of 2011, I want to thank you for your
educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have
little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let
the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the
bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the
number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine
how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor
of a public toilet.
*****I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS . . .
for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to
use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub
full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.
*****THANKS TO YOU . . .
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to
seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
*****BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN . . .
I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car, so a
serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.
*****AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW . . .
I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow
up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the movies because when I sit down I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, or Uzbekistan.
*****THANKS TO YOU . . .
I can't use anyone's toilet but mine now; because a big black snake could
be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt
or you know what!
*****AND THANKS FOR YOUR GREAT ADVICE . . .
I can't ever pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it was
probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
'Violin' Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing
you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's best friend's beautician.
I did send $5,000 to the person in Nigeria that promised to deposit
$47,000,000 in my bank account. Could I be wrong? It sounded like a great deal.
*****Oh, and by the way . . .
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their
hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY . . . .
HAPPY NEW YEAR
I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail
that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
I’m not committed to a political party. I’m committed to the principles
of the Living God