How would you friend a multi-millionair friend?

I watched my best friend from junior-high become a mult-millionair. We still are friends but I am afraid that I must feed ration our friendship in order to keep the relationship healthy.

Briefly, he graduated from university, used the money from his salary and made his fortune with smart investments and trade. He is a multi-millionnaire and is enjoying a lovely and happy family with two kids.

I am his best friend he says but my ego, pride, modesty is too often activated to keep the friendship going.

How many times can somebody except a free holiday on Aruba? He does understand that if he will not pay our leisure bills nobody would.....He pays them because he appreciates my friendship and company but, a little exaggerated..... I do not want to be the paid entertainer.

There are situations where it is easy to accept the gift and be practical and rational about it but after a while it becomes routine. The danger lies when the expecting is creeping into your system. The gift is not longer a gift or surprise but something you expect. I am afraid that I will change into a morally twisted person.

I want to pay my own bills from time to time and pay for his when it is my turn. But that is just the thing....8 out of 10 I can not pay for his bill. We talked about that and he told me that it is all up to me when I want to pay a bill for him ........not the carribean-bill but the "when we go for something to eat from the hotdog-stand-bill" ....for example.

Now how ackward is that...? That isn't a genuine, healthy and spontanious relationship. He made the suggestion to me that I shouldn't worry too much and that he is happy if he can help me with bills. Pay for fun-time when he wants to be with his best friend.

But that gives me the feel of being a regulated, tolerated and acceptable freeloader and also have the chance other people can mistake me for one of the above. My friends intensions are honest and not meant to insult me and fortunately enough he understands my dilemma.

But what to do...? Would it be acceptable that I will take the final ruling when such financial matters are in play? He and I could be in eachothers company until the end of time but for the money reason (and what it means to my personal values) we can not do the all the adventures we would like to do. In a way that sucks.

It is strange all together...did you ever hear of not being able to do something fun because there is too much money?

Anyways...we have all met the situation when you are dependable on the other friends monnies. Although the honest and paying friend doesn't mind it doesn't feel right when he buys you the fourth beer. You guys can imagine what I try to say?

Anybody a simular experiance and found a sensible way out without being stupid or losing the friendship?

Should there not be a chinese maxim for such a situation? Is such a friendship viable anyway?

Or should money maybe be considered mere a means to an end and try not to think any further about it?

Do you guys have any opinions or feelings about what I just tried to explain?


Thx

reply to post by zatara


Plain and simple, if you can't afford to go somewhere then don't go.

Try going places that you can afford, if he's really your friend, then he will want to go anyway... even if they aren't as "exciting".

I have never had that concern unfortunately...

years ago my husband and I were both making really good money. We regularly entertained another couple that was fairly destitute at the time. We would buy them food and beer, go out to eat, give them a few bucks if they needed it, bought their kids sports equipment whatever.
We just enjoyed sharing our good fortune with our friends, thats all.

times have changed, I'm now broke all the time but still have those same good friends.
I have no regrets either, it felt good to share at the time.

reply to post by zatara


He's a friend right.
So you can talk to him as a friend.
You value his friendship.
Tell him you feel bad sponging off of him.

I've been around some very rich people.
And all the time they invite you either out to dinner or out somewhere.
And while it's ok to go out with them from time to time.
It's not cool to make a habit about it.

I've seen the entourage that can develop around wealthy people and it disgusts me to see these hanger on's sponging off their money.

You should invite your friend out to the movies from time to time. Buy him dinner or something.
You may not be able to pay for a trip to aruba. But you can be a friend and buy him some McDonalds or something.

He will value your friendship even more if you do.

If it was the the other way around and you were the rich friend, would you do the same thing for him?

Don't let your ego get in the way of your friendship! You guys have been best friends since high school!
Must he find a new best friend, one who's rich and can afford his life style?
Must he stop going to places, and doing the things, he wants to (or go by himself), things and places that he enjoys best with his best friend from high school, just to make your ego feel better?

He loves you; he wants to share his happiness with you! I know how you feel about he paying for everything, I really do, but that's your ego talking! He does all that for you because he can; because he wants; and because he rather go to Aruba with his best friend, some one that knows him, and he knows from childhood, than just with "friends".

I know that if I was in his position, I would want my best friend with me too!

OP you have a very good friend. It seems that he knows that the fortune he has gained is best used to support the people who he cares for the most, instead of going out and buying a $500 pair of shoes, he will help a friend pay a bill.

When people are at my level of money, just getting by to pay the bills with a little spare change at the end, we do give it out, i will lend somebody money who needs it for a bill, food or what not - You're friend is in a position to not ask for his money back - The interest in his bank account for having multiple millions in his bank, in a week - would pay two or three household bills for the month. I wish their were many more people like this gentlemen of a friend you have.

As for getting accustom to this "free" help, I do understand what you mean of becoming too much accustom to it and have nothing to suggest other than as long as your paying what you can, and not getting an attitude of spending what you dont have, on something else other than your bills - knowing your friend will pay, then i think you have nothing to worry about and count your self a lucky chap for having such a friend.

I understand that your pride puts you in a position where you feel obligated to 'compete' with him on economic matters.

You will have to temper that. You will not lose dignity for accepting a gift from a friend, in fact you may risk losing your dignity for allowing your pride to get in the way.

If your friend wants to gift you with a vacation and you can arrange to go, than go. There is nothing wrong with it.

Life doesn't last forever, and neither does wealth. So enjoy your friendship while it lasts.
Enjoy his good fortune while it remains. Things can change quickly.

Here is a good metaphor, your best friend and you like to go running every once in awhile, but he is a gold medalist and you are not. Don't expect to beat him.

But at the same time, don't avoid taking a stroll with him either.
Go and have fun with your buddy. Your company is worth more than money to him, obviously.

Find what you can offer him, and gift him with that. Money isn't everything, I know you have far more depth than that, give him what you do have to offer, your friendship.

I have been in both positions. My oldest and best friend is a nurse. She is on a normal salary. I made large amounts of money in business.I wanted to still go out with her, but also wanted to experience "the good things in life".

I paid for the expensive stuff, she bought the odd lunch. It worked for us. She says she loves having a "rich" pal. We get to go cool places as well as ordinary. We have a laugh wherever we go. We have gone from two girls about town into two middle aged ladies together. Money didnt change anything because we didnt let it.

These days business is tough, and I am significantly poorer. She treats me these days.

Another good friend of mine who was about as well off as me has just inherited millions. She offered to help me out last week. My own pride said no. I dont feel uncomfortable around her just because she is rich. I feel sorry for her because she is grieving.

People are still human regardless of money.

I have been in a similar position, the way I see it, my friends wanted the pleasure of my company and understood my financial situation so I humbly accepted their treat.

As time went on, one friend stepped in for me when I became 'homeless' and opened her home to me...
many years later after difficulties in her marriage I was there for her and supported her in any way that I could.
Things change over time, you may be there now while he has the high rollin' game going on, and he wishes you to share in his success... Money means nothing without being able to share the happiness it gives you!

Maybe one day, he will need you, maybe not monetarily but maybe emotionally.
Whatever you have to offer to the friendship, you should believe not only that you are worthy but that you too are a valuable being.
Don't buy the lies, friendship doesn't have a price.

I have been in a similar situation but I wasn't a millionaire

Years ago I made really good money, was single and had no kids, still have no kids so my money was pretty much all mine. I loved doing things for my friends and family because they were all I had. I didn't have any kids or a family of my own so I shared with those I loved.

My best friend would get really weirded out when I'd pay or offer to pay. It wasn't like we were going to fancy cafe's or anything like that. It was Burger King or places like that lol. I also bought her stuff she needed and didn't mind helping if she needed it. I knew she would never asked but I offered. I liked taking my friends shopping with me and paying for it. It wasn't that I was buying my friends attention I knew they couldn't go shopping all day and I had the money and wanted to share it. I never really cared about money so when I had it I really did like to share with those around me because I know what it's like not to have it! Sometimes just being able to go out and have the option to buy something is nice but when you don't have that it can be a bit depressing at times when you go shopping with someone who can shop all day til they pass out

Sad thing is the one person who didn't feel bad was my sister...She was the only person who seemed to expect it over time, my mother did too and I got tired of it and cut them off for a while. I didn't mind doing it at all but when it became expected that is when I didn't like it. My friends never had that reaction. It bothered me more that family had that reaction because ou would think family wouldnt!

One day my friend said something and how she felt bad cause she couldn't return the favors and I told her they weren't favors and they weren't things I expected to be done in return. I did them because I loved her and her family and considered them a part of my own and wanted to do these things. After I explained to her it wasn't about money she never said anything after that. I told her we might as well enjoy it while we can! Making others happy makes me happy. I have always been that way. Money to me is just paper with added value that buys "things." It can't buy love or happiness, the things you can do with it can make others happy so that works for me

Now I am unemployed looking for work and the shoe is on the other foot so to speak and it is REALLY hard for me to deal with. I have always been so independent and having someone else pay for something bothers me. It made me think of how my friend felt years ago and how she must have felt how I do now. I am learning to accept the fact I need help right now til I get back on my feet and it's not easy to do. My fiancee says I have too much pride and need to let go sometimes and he is right, I do.

If I were you I'd just talk to your friend and explain to him how it makes you feel. When my friend explained I listened and then it gave me the chance to explain why I did what I did. Now I understand how she felt since Im in that situation now. I don't like to go out and get asked to all the time but I don't have the funds and what funds I do have I save.

reply to post by mblahnikluver


Thanks...I did recognise a lot in what you had to tell. The expecting part is what worries me the most because that thought of expecting has entered my mind once and made me doubt my friendship. But I guess it is just a normal human reaction when things become more or less a routine and I would suddently become cut-off. On that moment I had to adjust myself and remind myself that it is the wrong thought for that moment....or any moment. I would find it terrible if my friend would avoid me because he has the same idea you had with your family.

The fact that this can happen is exactly what I mean with this thread, such situations and thoughts. Those are you do not want in a friendship. My friend has been wonderful company over the years and I would always be there for him as a friend. It is not only the money that he wants to share with me but also his friendship as the person he is. There is little to complain about and that is maybe what is missing........some good old thunder and rumble from time to time in a relationship keeps things refreshing.

I guess it will be a good idea to write all the things that bother me down and talk them over with him.....Maybe I can convince him of my idea to simplify things and that he should donate me a million bucks. Just kiddin'

We will work it out for sure..

thx.

Personally, if I were a millionaire, I'd certainly expect (and love having the ability) to foot the bill for something I want them to accompany me to.

Even this year, we were better off than many of our friends, and still gave them Christmas presents, spoiled their kids, etc. with presents, without expecting anything in return. We realize they all couldn't afford to get into gifts for everyone. But, we still enjoyed the giving aspect of it.

In addition though, if I were a millionaire, I'd invest some seed money into my friends, and see if I could help them fire up their own lives, by starting a business, etc. where they could make their own fortunes also, by following their own dreams. That's the real benefit I'd see to being rich. And of course, if they succeed, I become richer too, from the investment! It's a win-win. If they fail, well, at least I gave them the chance to try.

My wife's aunt is actually a billionaire, but not like we see any of that (nor do I expect it). It's amazing what a different world these folks live in. Most of these people have no idea of how things are in the "real" world, or even the cost of normal everyday things. I've met her on a few occasions. She seemed nice enough, but it was evident how out of touch with reality she was. Her answer to everything is simply, "Why not just buy it?".

To get more to it and answer the question...

I'd recommend simply talking to your friend. Tell him you enjoy doing activities together, but that if it is something you'll need to budget for, to just let you know ahead of time. Express that you don't mind paying your own way if it is in your budget to do so. Be sincere and appreciative if he is generous enough to foot the bill, but you also have to firmly decline if it will be something you cannot afford, and he hasn't overtly stated he's picking up the tab.

Multimillionaires always attract shady leechers after they get rich.

To OP:

No doubt he values your friendship because he knows you were friends from before. Undoubtedly, that is very important to him, because he has to be suspicious of many other people. If he loses his money will you still be frriends? Yes. The others, maybe no. You have something good. Worry less about it and live your life.

Back when I had money and a life I could do whatever I wanted nothing made me happier than sharing . Just because someone has money doesn't mean that they expect anything from you but to be your friend. If it really makes you uncomfortable why don't you ask him to teach you to invest for yourself? That way maybe you can improve things for yourself and put yourself into a more equitable situation. There isn't anything wrong with how you feel, but the heart of that inadequate feeling isn't from him it is from yourself and what you want.

reply to post by zatara


your putting money in the way of a good friendship.

if the shoe was on the other foot, how would you treat him?

reply to post by Gazrok


yep that is so true. I love splashing out and spending up with my friends. Yanno... go out to the hairdressors or have a spa day, then have lunch...

it wouldn't be much fun doing those things by yourself.

reply to post by zatara


oh and the other thing you could do is suggest fun cheap things to do... like fishing or camping?

having fun does not require money.

ok last post from me..

reply to post by zatara


Money doesn't make a person,finances help yes,but if he was a friend at the start he'll be a friend to the end.
It would be a sad day if you decided to end a friendship,over an issue that could easily be be talked out between you both.
Don't lose a friendship over this,talk honestly about how you feel about it with him,from what little i can gather,i'd say he'd definately understand this.
If he offers a holiday,it's simple,instead of going away with him and feeling bad about it,say no,and i mean that with no disrespect.
Maybe suggest a weekend roughing it camping some where (weather permitting of course),both take food supplies,tinned stuff etc,and enjoy the friendship again.
Money wont be an issue when out in the wilds camping
But if/when you do decide to talk with your frined over this,make sure it's on neuteral grounds,no place of his or yours,for obvious reasons.
Hope it all works out.
Lea