posted on Jan, 13 2012 @ 04:09 AM
Mods please move this if required.
This is a fictional speech I've written from the point of view of Barack Obama and is purely for entertainment purposes. It is parody, and nothing
Barack Husein Obama II Speech (Apples)
I like apples. I must confess I enjoy the heck outta them. I love it when I bite into an apple and it snaps in one sharp crunching sound and my mouth
fills with juices. Apples are so delicious. Both sweet and tart, my mouth waters just thinking about it. There is a man on the internet who really
likes apples. I'm not going to say he likes apples more than me however. I've especially been enjoying apples over the last 3 years of my life.
I've been blessed with the Presidency of the United States of America, and all during this time I have suffered not a single apple shortage. The
apples have been a staple, a companion even, during this time in my life. In my mini-fridge, on my desk, and in Air Force One there are always apples.
I even have an apple app for my smart phone, the app app.
I remember my first apple as President. It was a red delicious apple. I had just been inaugurated and was sitting at my desk for the first time. In
front of me on my desk was a sheet where I had written down a list of all my campaign promises to reflect upon. And my celebratory red delicious
apple. As I was basking in the glow of my Presidential future to be, the apple tilted its face as if to look at me, its beautiful red sheen drawing me
in to an inner place where my mouth watered and watered. "Choose," I heard in a commanding yet somehow cute voice. "I'm sorry?" I said aloud. The
apple bounced on my desk, and then my campaign promises shivered in place, "Choose." It was the apple. The apple was talking to me. I must admit I
was a little bit confused and it was in my confusion that I panicked and actually reached to the apple for comfort. Snap! The juices of the apple and
my saliva were finally together, it felt just like my first time, maybe even better. It was like a dream. I became lost in the near infinite cascade
of flavour and pleasure. I began to devour the apple more and more ravenously until there was one big juicy last bite left on the core in my hand.
"Good choice." I had forgotten about the choice. What was it? Just then before my very eyes my campaign promises went up in smoke. I have not been
able to remember a single promise I made to get into office to this day, even when shown video of my speeches and rallies, the promises are gone from
my mind as quick as they can appear. It was little of concern to me, I was still President and I had unprecedented access to apples.
Shortly after having been inaugurated I was meeting with the Nobel Society. I was hosting in the Oval Office. These people are extremely nice, I
remember thinking. As my mind wandered from the conversation I remembered my new stash of Granny Smith apples that had been delivered just before the
Nobel Society arrived. "Ladies and Gentlemen if you'll excuse me I'll be right back with a snack for us all," I waited for a break in conversation
so as not to appear rude, even though by the time I said anything I could barely get my words out through all the saliva I was drooling into my mouth.
"Oh my the leader of the free world is fetching us a snack!" I heard one exclaim. "He is so very considerate, far beyond polite," I heard another
from the other room. I returned with a Granny Smith for each of them and one for myself. "Ooh these look good." "Well lets eat them!' I said. "I
bet they taste good too - I've only just received them and have yet to try one myself." Snap! Bite! Munch! Crunch! Apples went off all around the
room. "Oh my!" "The juices..." "Divine!" This is what being President is all about, I thought. "President Obama thank you for sharing your
snack with us, that was so very thoughtful and the apples were so very delicious, if only there was some sort of way we could honour you..." Another
spoke up, "To think that the leader of the free world would himself fetch some of his own very delicious apples to share with us while we are meeting
with him is nearly unbelievable. I thought I had seen it all, but think takes the cake! Show of hands, who thinks we give this man the Nobel Peace
Prize?" All the hands went up and I could again taste the Granny Smith I had just finished all on my tongue. So tart, so sweet.
Another of my stand-out memories includes when I came under fire for not being an American citizen. For me, this was troubling. I did not see this
coming as frankly, I don't remember where I was born. I cannot individually corroborate the positions either way on this one. My first childhood
memories were of Hawaii before moving to Indonesia for four years, and then back to Hawaii. This gave me a good opportunity to lead by example. You
see, I had been ensuring the safety of American citizens in any ways I could think of. One of those methods was a sharp increase in the stringency of
the requirements necessary to obtain a United States ID card. Now I had an opportunity to show people that I am willing to play by my own rules! This
opportunity seemed as delicious as is the genetically engineered 'grapple,' the apple that tastes like grapes. They even look a little more purple
than they ought. I sometimes lose myself just thinking about them, slightly away from the other apples in the grocery stores in their very own
four-pack looking just as natural as anything else there. I remember the day I paused my game of brickbreaker, placed an order for grapples on my app
app, and decided to get to the bottom of this birth certificate deal. My staff were able to within 10 minutes show me a digital copy of my birth
certificate. Determined to earn my grapples I set about verifying this document. Hmmm, the hospital name on the certificate didn't exist until I was
about 9, it's the correct hospital but it had a different name when I was born there. Spurred on, I began looking at newspaper and hospital records
from the time and place of my birth and I noticed something else. I was born around the same time a pair of twins was born. Shortly after birth one of
the twins died unfortunately. This caught my attention as I couldn't help but wonder if the living twin ever learned that their sibling didn't make
it, and if this person felt guilty or lucky or indifference even. The deceased twin received an obituary and was named by the family. But there was no
birth certificate for this person. I found that odd and I also found it odd how closely my own birth certificate was filed to the living twin. We were
born at similar times at the same place, but I was seeing something here I didn't entirely like.