posted on Jan, 11 2012 @ 12:39 AM
I admit it. My brain just doesn't work right, anymore. It's gotten so bad that I cannot even remember a thought that I had 5 minutes ago. My focus
has gone straight down the toilet. It could be depression. It could be AADD, or only God knows what. But I'm really tired of feeling like a zombie
with OCD. No, I don't take any medication. I used to, several years ago. From 1998 up until 2006, I took whatever was prescribed to me. You name it,
I've probably taken it. But eventually I revolted (secretly) against my psychiatrist. I haven't taken my meds in years, and no one knows. But I
often wonder if those drugs did damage to my brain, and now I'm just a high-functioning retard. I don't mean that in a mean way, I'm serious. It
takes me a great deal of effort to do anything worthwhile, that requires thought. I used to be able to compose music. Now, I only practice piano, but
I can never finish a song. I just can't think and focus hard enough. And without my music, I don't have anything.
I don't meditate. I don't know how to properly meditate, and I don't even know if it would help. But I'm looking for a way to purify myself,
mentally and spiritually. Sounds cliche, right? But I'm serious. I'm really messed up. I think about suicide every day. I've lost my faith, many
years ago. I don't know what to believe in. I find myself getting jealous far too easily. I find myself getting angry far too easily, and far too
often. I give up too easily. This isn't me. I don't know what's happened to me, but I'd rather be dead than to live the rest of my life like this.
And no, I won't go back to medication. It only takes away my emotions and makes me not care one way or another. I don't trust them, I don't trust
my doctors, I don't trust the government. I think it was their plan to make us all stupid, and they unfortunately succeeded with me. But it has to
end. Or something very bad is going to happen. So I ask for help, here, in the strangest of places. Because my options are all out. What would you do,
if you were in my shoes? Be serious... I'm a man on the edge. I just want my brains back. And my soul/spirit, if it's not too late. I want clarity
of thought. Maybe I never had it... but it would make all the difference in the world, if I weren't stumbling around through life, like a blind man
in a maze.